Mallika Sherawat Passes Out While Kissing

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For a second I thought she had passed away while kissing.

But no.

Mallika Sherawat, India’s export to the world, was having a normal work day. Which means she was doing a kissing scene underwater for her latest movie “Pyar ke Side Effects” (I am not making this one up–even my demented mind shorts out at that level). Stung by the cold water and fatigued by the effort to keep herself submerged against the upward Archimedian force of the floatation devices affixed to her chest by surgical procedure, she had a drink of brandy–an act which combined with the cold made her pass out.

[Picture above of the Mallika mango which according to this website:

The fruit (Mallika mango) must be picked mature green and ripened in camel dung or a cardboard box (whichever is handy).

]

Incidentally what kind of a man is Rahul Bose, the hero? Isn’t he man enough to keep a woman warm with his tongue action even though they may be underwater?

This is exactly why we need Imran Hashmi, the specialist serial kisser, to essay these challenging roles so that Rahul Bose can do stuff he can handle— like the role of a quiet photographer stuck in a riot.

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Desis on a Plane

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‘Snakes on a Plane’ is this year’s campiest C-grade “so-bad-it’s-good” (which the Oxford dictionary now defines as “Mithunian’) movie in which a mafia-lord lets loose a zoofull of assorted poisonous snakes, made horny and aggressive by being sprayed with pheromones, [which is why, according to a character in the movie, they attack females more than males----a fact borne out by a snake biting a lady's exposed nipple and another "pleasing" a sleeping lady in a way I did not think possible ] in order to bump off a witness for the prosecution.

However, if you ask a flight attendant whether he/she prefers to rumble with a cobra in heat or with a desi on a trans-Atlantic flight, I think he/she might go for the snake.

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Kabhi Aage Kabhi Peeche—the Review

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[Warning: Long post]

Taran Adarsh, India’s greatest movie reviewer EVER fires a salvo at those whom he dubs “pseudo journos with zero knowledge of film-making and business”.

Which I think includes me.(blogger=pseudo-journo)

Now KABHI ALVIDA NAA KEHNA faces the flak. So what’s new? Nothing. It’s the same old story. The moment a big film hits the screens, a section of the film industry [also include some pseudo journos with zero knowledge of film-making and business] has a constipated look on their faces. Text messages degrading the film fly left, right and centre. ‘It wouldn’t sustain beyond Friday’, ‘Bakwas hain’, ‘The director has lost it’, ‘Paisa kamaya, par reputation khatam’ Haven’t we heard all this and more [the nastiest of talk] before? Let’s not forget, a tree which bears fruits is always stoned. Jo hain naamwala, wohi to badnaam hain.

Indeed. He exhorts:

Why are we so skeptical when it comes to embracing bold themes? Why should Hindi cinema be confined to those three/four stories that are as old as the hills? Why shouldn’t we welcome changes?

So here’s a pseudo-journo’s challenge to Mr. Adarsh. I am going to review KABHI AAGE KAABHI PEECHE — a movie which only I have seen as of yet and which will be released to the general public during Deewali. I am going to try to review it using a style heavily internalized from the great Mr. Adarsh. (Kindly refer here for the gold standard).

The question is: ” Can there be a “bolder” movie than the one below? Are the Indian audiences mature enough for this?”

Read on. And try to find the answers.

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Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna—the Review

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Don’t blame Karan Johar (KJO) for not warning you.

As the credits roll and Karan Johar’s name comes up as the director, the voice-over says, prophetically:

“Waqt ke saath kuch zakhm aur bhi gehra ho jata hain” [Some wounds get deeper, as time goes by]

“Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna” is one such, inflicting increasing doses of pain and grief on the audience and sinking into deeper morasses of banality with every passing scene.

Now here’s the tragedy. It need not have been this way. Unlike Karan Johar’s previous movies which, no matter how he cooked it, would still be aesthetic turkeys since they were devoid of plot and characterization in the first place, “Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna” had the potential to be different. At least on paper.

What could have been an interesting movie about a middle-aged man, morbidly bitter at the fact that he ‘never made it in life’ , engaging in an extramarital affair so that he can feel successful, wanted and young again is reduced to an endless nightmare of contrived situations, convenient resolutions, copious tears, cornucopian cleavages, clichéd climax and corny comedy.

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Independence Day

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Independence Day is here. So people, let’s get out our India-colored bandanas, paint our faces (and bodies) with the colors of our motherland, drink a bottle of Zinda dil Pepsi, listen to the Prime Minister’s soul-stirring call to the nation not to get down on its knees for terrorists, cheer for the “Men In Blue” against Sri Lanka ,SMS “Go India” to Bharat TV for a chance to win a year’s supply of Pizza Hut pizza, watch the DVD of “Gadar” if the cricket match gets washed out and then, no matter what happens, go and watch “Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna” in the evening (since it’s a crime to waste a holiday without Karan Johar).

I am an Indian. A real Indian. A patriotic one. I support the Indian cricket team regardless of whether Ganguly or Dravid is the captain (unlike some people who shall remain nameless). Whenever I hear “Aye mere watan ke logon” I stand up and try to hold the hand of the person next to me. Hell sometimes I get so emotional that I don’t mind if it’s a guy’s hand I am clasping. (Needless to say, a girl is always preferable simply because her soft hands remind me of my desh ki mitti dharti …the one that ugle heere moti). And I invariably have a Raymond’s “complete man” sensitive moment as tears flow down my cheeks to the tune of the song, my mind awash with the memories of all those jawans and kisans who have laid down their lives for their country. I make it a point to forward any mail I get about the achievements of India, speeches of Narayana Murthy, anecdotes of our President and 1993 Toyota Corollas on sale. And for independence day, I play only patriotic songs on my IPod—-only not Anu Malik’s “We love you Oh India, tujhe na chorenge” cause that’s so horrid I believe that the Pakistani ISI paid for it.

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Priyanka Parcel

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Priyanka Chopra is offering to spend some time with you—and it’s all for a noble cause.

And just because you are in Andaman and Nicobar Islands or in Arunachal Pradesh doesn’t mean that you have to miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Because as the ebay listing informs us: Ms. Priyanka Chopra can be delivered anywhere in India for FREE.

So step up for a worthy cause gentlemen . [Don't forget to check out the pictures of the auctioned item on the ebay listing--after all you want to be sure you are bidding for the right Priyanka.]

And wait for your postman to come knocking on your door carrying the most amazing parcel you will ever receive.

[Priyanka Chopra update: Tim Berners Lee, Donald Trump and Priyanka Chopra get together for something exciting. Extra extra ! Read all about it !]

Shuru Ho Gaya Mamu

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I have seen three kinds of people in my life.

There are some who, after having being caught for doing something bad, stay silent —eyes downcast.

Then there are those who on being caught out, cry out of shame and remorse.

And then there are those rare few who come out laughing—-shamelessly.

“Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai” (I am driven by revolutionary zeal) , said Natwar Singh as he came out of Parliament, evoking the memories of all those brave revolutionaries who sought to change the world through nepotism, corruption and opportunism.

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"The Descent" —A Review

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Its an art one would think Hollywood seems to have forgotten.

The art of tapping into our basest, primal fears.

For the last few years, Hollywood has struggled with the horror genre—creating assembly-line, cliched gore-fests — all the time labouring under the assumption that the more blood, grizzly deaths, screams and busty soon-to-be-dead ladies in skimpy tops they can pack in 90 minutes, the more is the horror induced.

However the best horror movies are the ones that never fully articulate the object of fear, the ones that don’t tell you everything—-instead inviting you to read between the lines. Which is where the real horror lies.

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Needle of Suspicion

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From Mumbai Mirror (it doesnt let you link into its archives)

A software engineer was arrested by the Saki Naka police on Tuesday for threatening to use the “latest technology” to put up nude pictures of his neighbours on the Internet.

Raju Srivastav (39), who worked in a private firm in Bangalore until recently and lives in Andheri, was charged with sexual assault by Manjeet Singh and other neighbours on July 31.

The women say that Srivastav would pick fights with them when they passed each other in the building, and then threaten to morph their faces unto nude bodies and make objectionable films with them.

Srivastav was produced in court on August 2, and has been remanded to judicial custody till August 17.

“The neighbours say that he threatened to picture them nude and distribute the CDs for free, but no pornographic material has been found in his home,” said senior police officer J Khandagale of Saki Naka police station.

Srivastav’s lawyer claims that his client has been framed. “My client is a software engineer and wouldn’t stoop to such low levels. The neighbours have been provoked by his ex-wife,” he said.

It is reportedly that his wife divorced him because she couldn’t handle his harassment. However, Srivastav says she was having an affair with their driver, and floated the harassment rumour to get rid of him.

Srivastav had reportedly got the driver to confess to the affair, which he later showed his then wife.

What pleased me no end was the statement by the lawyer :

“My client is a software engineer and wouldn’t stoop to such low levels”.

That is if the guy was a chemical engineer or perhaps a lawyer, then surely he could do something this retrograde.

But a software engineer: oh no no—-as we all know, they are paragons of virtue and moral rectitude. Plus they would be the last persons on earth who would know anything about image morphing.

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