Tashan—the Review

76 Comments

“Yeh hain aasli Bhaiyyaji” shouts Anil Kapoor playing the role of don Bhaiyyaji as he rips open his shirt, in the process revealing a plot twist I can honestly say I never saw coming.

The twist in question being that, perhaps in keeping with today’s “chikna” aesthetics, someone had shaven Anil Kapoor’s legendary mane of chest hair (which was, as far as I know, one of the world’s last natural rain forests) exposing in the process Mr. Jhakaas’s mannaries (man-mammaries) and his “One Two Ka Four, Four Two Ka One” packs.  [Explicative picture to left]

Which leads me to once again acknowledge the wisdom of that immortal line spoken by Khulbushan Kharbandha in Gupt :

“Kuch baatein gupt raheni chahiye” (Some things are best kept hidden).

If you thought that it was Kareena Kapoor’s hot body that would stay in your mind after the end credits of “Tashan” , then forget it. She has nothing on Anil Kapoor. And I mean that in every sense of the word.

As to “Tashan” , supposedly the most awaited movie of the year, I can say after having labored through this cinematic quagmire that”Tashaan” too should have, like Mr. Ring-Rong-Ring’s chest, stayed hidden, unreleased and unseen to the human eye, under two baniyans, a shirt and a sweater.

A cross/double-cross action-road movie that turns into a Yashraj mushy romance midway through with generous helpings of “Kill Bill”-type massively over-the-top action sequences, one can vaguely discern that the directors of “Tashan” were trying to be “smart”, giving discerning viewers a “nudge-nudge-wink-wink” spoof of Hindi action movies.

Very cool.

But for the “spoof/homage” angle to have worked, the script should have been funny with smart dialogues and snappy comebacks.

It doesn’t have even one.

Sample this. Anil Kapoor as the don Bhaiyya brandishes a bat in front of a businessman and then delivers a lame badass line which goes:

“I am the Sachin Tendulkar and the Brian Lara mixed.”

And then proceeds to break the man’s skull with the bat.

Now wouldn’t it have been better had Anil Kapoor, after giving this line, swung at the man’s head, missed the skull totally, looked perplexed and then said:

“But it looks as if hum Sourav Ganguly”.

Okay that’s pretty lame too. At least I am not a script writer.

The big problem is that most of Tashan’s so-called laughs are made to originate from just one principal comedic hook—-Anil Kapoor’s English-mix-Hindi. Which could possibly have made an impact had not Naseeruddin Shah as Mastana in Bombay Boys already done the exact same thing, ten years ago, only much better. Akshay Kumar tries his best and manages to inject some life into some of the scenes but in the presence of a scenery-chewing Anil Kapoor, a listless Saif Ali Khan and a “Oh look I am so hawt and saxy and thin” Kareena Kapoor , the odds against Akshay Kumar are hopelessly stacked.

Summing up, “Tashan” is a horrible waste of celluloid and time which, like most of Yashraj’s latest offerings seem to sacrifice content, script, story and character-development for cinematic “tashan”.

Shaving Anil Kapoor’s chest with a wool shearer would surely be more entertaining than watching this mess.

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76 thoughts on “Tashan—the Review

  1. Our office was going to organize a screening of this movie until the everyone rejected the idea wholesale. I’m sure as glad they didn’t go.

    The office opted for Iron Man instead.

  2. it is such a shame to see people like Shaad Ali (worked with manirathnam on Dil Se and Saathiya’s Tamil version) …and Vijay Krishna Acharya (worked with him on Guru) … churn out cornies like Jhoom barabar jhoom ….. and now Tashan respectivly ….

    WHAT A FRIGGIN WASTE OF RESOURCES/TALENT …

  3. comparing Anil Kapoors buke chool (ref from previous post) to last tropical rain foreasts was just awesome :D

  4. “Oh look I am so hawt and saxy and thin” Kareena Kapoor….. this was good. No commnets on how the dutiful daughter goes to Haridwar via Mauritius or some such exotic location to perform her Dad’s last rites ??? [:D]

  5. “…..someone had shaven Anil Kapoor’s legendary mane of chest hair (which was, as far as I know, one of the world’s last natural rain forests)…..”

    — Priceless gem.

    As always, your reviews make me laugh out loud.

  6. Oh lord – Vijay Krishna Acharya is an alumnus from my alu matter and a product of the finest dramatics society in all of Delhi University (other famous alumni include Amitabh Bachchan and Dinesh Thakur). What a pity, what a pity!

    He used to be assistant to Kundan Shah – are the Chopras determined to lure in every bit of talent in Hindi films and churn them through a soul-sucking machine so they can stamp quality names on their assembly line mediocrity?

    CD – Mauritius nahin, Greece. Which is a matter of some trauma for me, because I’d be hoping my Greek connections never see the film and laugh their heads off (which they did when I told them that in Chalte Chalte, Shahrukh and Rani drove from Mykonos to Athens, a physical impossibility since they’d have to drive over the Aegean sea to accomplish that).

  7. thalassa “Oh lord – Vijay Krishna Acharya is an alumnus from my alu matter and a product of the finest dramatics society in all of Delhi University (other famous alumni include Amitabh Bachchan and Dinesh Thakur). What a pity, what a pity!”

    he used to assisst kundan shah too ???

    my my .. am tearing of my hair in frustration !!!

  8. Aditya Chopra is so busy making makey, marketing, and commercializing all his films that he forgets about the script completely.
    i dont know why he thinks that he can take the audienece for a ride everytime. the yrf banner, few good songs, colourful clothes, big star cast, catchy promos.. never made a movie.
    he just misses the point each time.

  9. CORRECTION:
    Aditya Chopra is so busy making *money*

    (as you can see, i’m so annoyed that i cant even type anymore.)

  10. Maybe, Anil Kapoor’s cleanshaven torso was a intentional and profound statement, higlighting the rapid de-forestaton and erosion happening all over India. :)

    And maybe, Kareena Kapoor’s slim thighs, a reflection of the impending worldwide food shortage.

  11. “She has nothing on Anil Kapoor. And I mean that in every sense of the word”

    the obvious was subtly said (wink wink…), but they can’t cry foul I guess.

    BTW can someone tell me the origin of the word baniyan (esp when pronounced ‘banyaaan’)?

  12. why so mild GB?… i’ve a feeling that you could not see the film completely… rather could not stand it… did you go off to sleep or were you smoking outside :-)

  13. “Shaving Anil Kapoor’s chest with a wool shearer would surely be more entertaining than watching this mess.”

    And even after this statement, people think the review is mild. Evidently the thought-experiment of shaving Anil Kapoor’s chest hair with wool clippers is not as terrifying an experience for some as I thought.

  14. Ha ha .. gud review GB.. but u seem to hv a fixation for Anil’s kapoor hairy chestva.. :)
    Grt Blog again GB da..

    From here on Anil Kapoor aka “Mr Jhakaas” would be re-christened as Mr. JACK- ASS….

    A vry hairy in my chest .. sasura baas maare re.. :)

    Cheers,
    Akshay

  15. hey man, how can u, being a Bengali urself crack such bad jokes on our beloved Dada….its truely gross how people can deride such a great batsman and so-called ‘Bongs’ like u who hav lived outside Cal 4 so long really really forget their city and their people….dats da sad part of it mate……

  16. Yeah, Anil Kapoor with no hair had to mean super flop movie…why would anyone think of shaving off his goodluck charm?

    @R_khujur,you seem to be a genius coz you are the only one who understood YRF’s symbolism potrayed in the movie[:D]

  17. someone said “this is worst movie of the year”,
    you must watch Mr. White Mr. Black, you wont find any more disgusting movie than that……

  18. @Ramya

    “R_khujur,you seem to be a genius coz you are the only one who understood YRF’s symbolism potrayed in the movie[:D]”.

    Yeah Ramya, nobody appreciates the hidden symbolisms and metaphors, of Bollywood movies. Some day the world will see through the genius of a Shakti Kapoor over a Jack Nickelson or a Mithunda over Jesus Christ.

  19. @Vibhash
    I need to qualify though that the last time I have paid to see a Bollywood movie was 8 years back, I think “Mohabbatein”.

    It helps to watch the grainy versions for free on the computer. Then only the nuances, subtlelities and talent shows through.

  20. @R_Khujur…”I need to qualify though that the last time I have paid to see a Bollywood movie was 8 years back, I think “Mohabbatein”…..matbal tab se fokut mein dekh rahe ho filam.

  21. I bunked my classes to see this movie. I spent the last 50 rs note on my pocket(of course keeping 10 bucks for cigarettes and returning home) and i am forced to say that i liked this movie(oh damn…)In fact i loved it, and why wouldn’t i?? coz of that i’m still living days of a miser…so i have no choice but to like it..

    Though i wonder where have they disposed off those manes?? i mean thats against the law right, to cut down forests? now face the summer india!!!

  22. @Vibhash
    Fooltoo fokat boss.
    Look at Andy_pundit. He spends 40 roopiah on the movie and 8 more on nicotine tar and now his senses are making him judgemental about Bollywood.

    Fokat brings out the sublimity… mate.

  23. irony is that the idiots who make these movies go laughing all the way to the bank, drive the fanciest cars, ‘casting couch’ countless women

    and as for the really brainy guys like us…. its back to the closed fist (mutthi) back and forth routine.

  24. I am going to watch this movie just to enjoy this review better. I haven’t seen a Bollywood movie in ages without being really buzzed and have hence been able to sit through them.

  25. **snort** tea up your nose really hurts. yesterday we posted about bollywood in a similar vein and were told we should post some good things too. maybe we’ll direct them here.

  26. I heard that SRK bought Anil Kapoor’s shaved chest hair and stuck them on his head as extensions. That explains both their current states.

    After all filmwallahs must help each other…

  27. @shan
    haa…that also explains the renewed strength in Saif Ali Khan’s hairline too.

    I am sure the hair weaving industry has seen windfall revenues this quarter.

    Bless Mr. India.

  28. Jhakas hairy Anil Kapoor was selected for Bollywood version of King Kong. But now he is going to lose this opportunity.

  29. i am glad that this movie bombed.

    maybe size 0 kareena was not enough for the paisa paying public.

    fat women rulz!

  30. @Hujur
    “Thats an impressive website you have a link to”.

    Somebody named Nibaron Sen posted the site here saying that readers of GB have worked together to make this site. I liked it so I have started linking it in my name.

    @ Swatidi

    Yep BBW rule.

  31. hey GB dont get hurt… it was not like your old stuff… :-(

    but that actually does not mean anything as i’ve still read ur blog 4 times… i guess i’m quite useless these days…

  32. sorry for the double post, but I just had this flash of a vision…

    Frankie: There is nothing wrong with a laugh kabhi kabhi

  33. I should mention about the last scene where bhayyaji tries to run away on a rickshaw with the money bag. that scene was funny.

  34. Hi GB Dada,
    After so many disasters from the YRF banner, won’t it be fitting to get a post on their film-making strategies [like the interview with Kanti Shah] :D
    I’ll be looking fwd to that! :)

  35. Hi, this is my first analysis on this site. I watched Tashan yesterday night, one thing I must admit about Kareena stunning zero figure is that she looks like a million dollar bucks (lets leave her acting skills apart).

    The Bikini shot compels us to remember an old song – samundar me naha ke aur bhi tum namkin ho gayi ho. I would request you to watch the song chaliya-chaliya in slow motion, may be you could catch some break dance steps.

    The last schene in which she flies like a modern Jackie Chan to kill Bhaiya Ji is enough to get your money back for pirated CD/DVD.

    All in all – it was a Kareena-Akshay show wherein Saif remains alive (I was expecting him to get killed by Bhaiya Ji’s chinese force/guns).

  36. Greatbong,

    Need a review for the latest ‘Mithunda’ ( oops – I meant Mimmoda) movie Jimmy- Most people have not given it even one star…and traditionally the entertainment value of a greatbong post is inversely proportional to the number of stars it gets :)

  37. Greatbong,

    After reading this review, I’ve lost faith in your choice of movies (& writing!) I think, sometimes, just to be witty and funny you write the reviews and you totally miss the whole point!

    Hope to read better reviews in the future….

  38. Super review.
    Now,let me cut to the chase here..Is a Mimoh (Jimmy) review in the offing? I’d gladly pay 15 bucks for that.

  39. Oh c’mon Great Bong, I think you have failed to identify the true genius of the film. I think this film can be placed in a pedestal next to Gunda. Plij to see hare phar more details.

  40. I beg to differ. For a change, there is a hindi movie which is idiotic and doesnt make any pretences about it. Hows that for originality??!!

  41. Well,I saw Tashan..but was really bored half way through…
    The movie didn’t live up to the expectations of a typical Bollywood fan…like me.
    Even, Krazzy 4 & Jannat were not that great…

    So, not many good movies coming out of Bollywood lately..

    But, I’m really looking forward to Love Story 2050, the sci-fi flick of Priyanka Chopra & Harman Baweja..The promos seem

    really promising & personally I’m very fond of science fiction movies which are very rare in Bollywood..

  42. Pingback: Tashan: A masterpiece of modern Indian Cinema « The Chronicles of being BONGO !

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