Indian fan, in search of answers, asks the High and the Mighty.
Ravi the Shastri: Why did India lose? Well, the Australian bowlers, strong strapping lads all of them, got the balls in the right areas, were straight, pitched up and hit the deck. Hard. Real hard. The pitch had some juice, there was bounce and carry, and the cherry was hard. Hard.Real hard. It was an important match and the Australians brought their A game but the Indians, their body language was all wrong and soon the cat was among the pigeons. Then…. [Fat lady sings]….oh wait that’s my ringtone….need to take this call. “Oh hello, Mr. BCCI, that cheque you sent me, it was a competitive total, but it had Sunny’s name written all over it…YES don’t you understand? it was in his name…the lady at the bank didn’t agree when I said ‘It doesn’t matter how they come as long as they come”…So please send me MY cheque fast, yes…mail it to me as fast as a tracer bullet…” So yes, as I was saying…
Rahul the Dravid: Of course we know why India lost. Because I am old. Slip catches slip through my fingers. I cannot bend down fast enough to yorkers and in-dippers. Rather than laughing at my fate, you should be ashamed that a man as old has to put on my gear and face up at No 3 while younger men develop shifty injuries right after IPL and stay at home. What next? Expect A K Hangal to head Blackcat commandos?
VVS the Laxman: India lost to Australia? You are wrong. India won. I personally made 281. And I have been saying Aftab Shivdasani will be the next Shahrukh Khan. What? Isn’t this 2001? Oh my God.I must have forgotten to take…
Tony The Greig: India humiliated in Australia? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…..
Harbhajan The Singh: That’s what happens when you send Virat the Kohli, a mere boy, to do a man’s job. In 2007, when I gave gaalis, I turned the team around. These wannabes I tell you…
Sachin the Tendulkar: My 100th century. My 100th century. My 100th century. I think I will make myself available for ODIs to get it.
Virat The Kohli: Behen****, Teri maa ki *****, Yeh le mera *********
The Srini: When the Australians play in India, I assure you we WILL win. All right, all right, I will win. Chennai Super Kings will win. Compulsory hai.
Michael the Vaughan: India once again humiliated? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…
Virender the Sehwag: Lost? As far as I am concerned, I have won. Personally, this has been a very good season. Two of Delhi Daredevil’s most exciting young talents, the Delhibois—Warner and Yadav have shown fine form. We have also bought Kevin the Pietersen, a batsman we Indians personally back to form in England. Our Bramhasastra Ajit the Agarkar will be well-rested come March. And finally, my season has been perfect—-some light bowling, some light batting, so that my shoulder stays loose without locking up. The last thing I want to do is to miss IPL. Because IPL matters.
Mahendra the Dhoni (in Hawaiian shirt and cool shades): Ooooh…ooohh…spare me the drama. First of all, let’s stop the “Ooh Indian players dont care for Test matches” hand-wringing. Of course we don’t. We can play 5 ODIs and 20 T20s and make many many times the amount of money in the same time that we invest in a Test. So why should we care for them? Because “we are supposed to?” Because it’s somehow “great and noble and historic”? Why do you work for a private firm and not for the government? Why don’t you serve the nation? Rokhra. Same for you. Same for us.
You know what’s the bigger hypocrisy here? It’s not as if Indians even care for Test cricket. That’s why in India we play in front of a few thousand spectators, most of them school-kids bought there for free as outing from school.
What you DO care for is winning. That’s why you are upset. Because WE did not win. Because Agneepath became Agneephossh. This “WE” of course is a funny concept. Cause actually only “we”, the eleven players, win—we win money, we win fame and we win groupies in hotel rooms. You people convince yourself that this “we” includes you, if only to cover the singular lack of wins in your personal and professional lives. Not that I am complaining, this “WE” concept is why you paint your faces with blue, watch the ads, buy the cellphones and drink the soda and why “WE”, the real “WE”, live it large.
And that’s the thing. (chomping into a banana). I am trying to make all of us win. That’s why I hinted at retiring so that I can concentrate on ODIs and T20s.
In case you haven’t cottoned onto this yet, me and my generation suck at this five-day grind. So realistically we won’t be winning Tests abroad. We won’t be crying over it either, too much effort for not that much money. In ODIs and T20s, we have a decent chance of winning. And we really want to. It will make us more money with less effort. It will also make you, the paying public, happier because you have more wins to feel “proud” of.
How do I know we will win? Well not less than an year ago, I did win something big for you. Remember?
Understanding now no? Here… khayega kela?