Some Presidential Candidates I Would Like To See

66 Comments

[With new updates]

1. Rajanikanth: Eternal favorite. Here is one person who everyone in India, North or South, can agree is awesome. With Rajani, we won’t need Inter continental Ballistic Missiles. He will point his finger and Helsinki will be obliterated in a second. Why just Helsinki? If he twirls his goggles, the shock waves of that act will travel light-years and rip off the testicles  of the Klingon commander in Argelius V. Only he can tell China “I will do what I say. I will also do what I don’t say”, which is guaranteed to put  the fear of God in those Godless Commies. The fear of Rajani more precisely.

2. Arundhati Roy: I may be wrong but Ms. Roy may have surrendered her Indian citizenship. Of course, metaphorically, of course. So she is definitely eligible for the post. A leading public intellectual and the toast of the chattering classes, she would bring to the Presidential post the same clarity of thought and pragmatism that she exhibits in her tweleve-page ramblings, which some believe is auto-generated from a dictionary of phrases like “Hindu right wing” ” military-government-industry cabal” and “exploitation of lower classes” and “Gandhi-ian with guns”, tracts of such marvelous quality that, aaj bhi mothers tell their babies “So ja naheen to Arundhati Roy ek aur twelve-pager likhegi”. Vice-president suggestion: Aakar Patel. Why have Aliens vs Predators when you can have both together, on the same side?

3. Mamata Banerjee: The Red Fort may become the Blue Fort. The country may become North Korea with its own government-run paper and TV channel that will carry government-positive-only stories. (Wait, that used to be Doordarshan. DD. Or Didi.) The person who used to campaign for President’s Rule, before she became Chief Minister and discovered the joys of federalism, may once again embrace the joys of President’s Rule because she will be the President herself. And boy, does she love her own Rule. And Rules. The benefits of Didi becoming the President are many, including but not limited to the fact that she will no longer be the Chief Minister of Bengal. And people can laugh again without looking over their shoulders.

4. Mahesh Bhatt: Many pundits say that it is now time to move on from 26/11 and reach out to Pakistan in the spirit of Aman-Asha. I agree. The best way to do this would have been to make Kasab President but then again since he is a Pakistani citizen, he perhaps is not eligible. Sania-Bhabhi would also be a good candidate as an emblem of cross-border bonhomie. But unfortunately she is below the age-threshold needed to be President. Though one can argue that if “true” age is defined by how fit and athletic one looks while moving, like say on a tennis court, then she definitely would qualify to be a BJP leader. Which leaves us with Mahesh Bhatt, who will be awesome in this context. Hell, he might even get Atif Aslam to sing our national anthem, Rock-Sufi style.

5. Robert Vadhra: See this guy already has immunity from searches at airports, like the President. So in a way, he is already, to quote Bon Jovi’s Living On a Prayer, “half-way there”. And we all know, Rahul Gandhi will become the Prime Minister, because, to quote Paolo Coelho, when someone in the Gandhi family wants something, the entire world (at least the Congress party) helps them attain it. With Robert as President, the whole Rashtra Pati Bhavan will become like a set of a Sooraj Barjatiya movie, with Dhiktana dances and friendly cricket games on the lawns. And never any friction, like once came to pass between President Zail Singh and Rajiv Gandhi.

6. Poonam Pandey: Comes with her own C-category security, strong enough to bounce back any missiles from foreign countries. Truly a commander-in-chief who shall lead from the front, enhanced as it is. One of the complaints about the Presidency over the years is that often the citizens have no idea as to what the President is doing. Poonam Pandey will rectify that by supplying an over-dose of information, helped by her dedicated (im) plants in the Press, who shall inform us, even when we do not want to know, every detail about her daily activities.

7. NOT Sachin Tendulkar. I know many people want Sachin to be the President. I certainly do not. First of all, his record of “leading” the team is not that great. Second, it is said that when he performs the team loses. So if he,as President gives a good speech, I am afraid the county might get invaded. Lastly, the President comes with a fixed-term of service. And Sachin, as we have seen of late, does not take kindly to upper-time-limits being imposed on his tenure. Since “No one can tell Sachin to step down”  (Fundamental Axiom 1) and he might not want to either (Fundamental Axiom 2), this might create some Idi-Aminish problems.

8. Myself: Yes. Me. First of all, I am a minority candidate since I consider myself (like everybody does themselves) to be in the 10% category of smart Indians that Justice Katju has defined. I like to travel to foreign countries. I also like to host 7-course state dinners and live in a big big house. I can give speeches at will on various topics. After all I blog, don’t I? What will I do if the country faces an emergency, which is when the President is really needed, and I am called to make a critical decision?

Do exactly what those in power in Delhi today do. Ask Madam.

[Acknowledgement: Twitter for the "Didi=DD" reference]

 

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66 thoughts on “Some Presidential Candidates I Would Like To See

  1. Excellent choices. But you omitted the fittest person! Anna Hazare would make an awesome President, don’t you think? :)

  2. I would have thought Sunny Leone would have made a great candidate. After all, who else can hold people’s attention so well. And she just got her Indian citizenship as well.

  3. My choice –

    Gajani — would conveniently forget all the transgressions of the favored party in power … would also forget the election results 15 minutes after it is declared and invite it’s favored party for forming the govt.

    oh yes ! Gajani is far better than Rajani

  4. Of the ones nominated by you … my vote is to Arundhati Roy … Oh hell … we dont vote in preseidential elections !!!

  5. Hehehe..Good one about MB..May I add that the DD channel will only air the following:

    Didi’s Comedy Show: News featuring daily activities of Didi.
    DD Superhit Muqabla: Didi’s great slaying of the Red Dragon.
    DD Plain milk Quiz contest: TMC in-house quizzer quizzing on the life and times of the Great Leader.
    Didi’s Angels : Covering Didi and her friends gang of merry makers such as Jayalalitha and Mayawati.

  6. Yes sir, ______ for President. You pale in comparison to these greats. And, before we forget, why not Justice Katju? Then, he can extend his ideas of “socially relevant” art forms.

    Btw, “…auto-generated from a dictionary of phrases like “Hindu right wing” ” military-government-industry cabal” and “exploitation of lower classes” and ‘Gandhi-ian with guns'” and “to quote Bon Jovi’s Living On a Prayer, “half-way there”. And we all know, Rahul Gandhi will become the Prime Minister, because, to quote Paolo Coelho, when someone in the Gandhi family wants something, the entire world (at least the Congress party) helps them attain it.” – are awesome.

  7. The basic qualification of having been a domestic for the Gandhi family will have to be considered – Zail Singh wanting to sweep floors and pratibha bhai making rotis for madam Gandhi senior.

  8. Except for the stereotypical PJ on Rajni everything else was funny. Enough of this Rajni PJs already. Having said that all others were wonderful. Been a long time since you came through with such good satire!!

  9. Anyone barring a Bengali is okay for me.Bengalis cannot be trusted with power.They have the privelege and right to turn bengal into Bengal but not the rest of India into Weeest Bangal.Most Indians want a happy life with job opprotunities and Law&Order.Not Rabindasangeet,Nandan plays and Bengali Jhaatras while the country goes into putrefaction.

    Abdul Kalam for president

  10. …to put the fear of God in those Godless Commies. The fear of Sachin more precisely … the fear that he’ll never retire …. ah ha ha ha

  11. Seriously, Rajnikant may not be a bad choice. He has been quite pragmatic and never actively participated in Tamil Nadu politics. I am sure he won’t mind being in the hot seat of national politics.

  12. GB, you may want to protect your own testicles in case Rajinikanth gets pissed and twirls his goggles at you for misspelling His name.

  13. Really offended by you mentioning Rajini in the same category as the others. And you even spelt his name wrong ! You just need to watch this video to understand his humility and stature as a legend.

  14. Why not Ravindra Jadeja?

    I think he is the fittest person for the job. Gets paid a fortune for doing nothing. Has been individually capable of knocking India out of 2 major tournaments with his ‘blistering’ performance and yet finds a regular place in the national side.

  15. Loved the post. I agree with SKDB for Saurav C ganguly, he is a good leader and plus he can make a mean “F*** Y**” face when he wants (even though it looks hilarious)

    on the other hand also why havent we thought of Kumari Mayawati ji. She may even have elephants carry louis vitton handbags and lead the country to a glorious future.

  16. Loved the post. I agree with SKDB for Saurav C ganguly, he is a good leader and plus he can make a mean “F*** Y**” face when he wants (even though it looks hilarious. and that just may scare the chinese off our northeast border and pakis off our northwest.

    on the other hand also why havent we thought of Kumari Mayawati ji. She may even have elephants carry louis vitton handbags and lead the country to a glorious future.

  17. Dont know what you have against tendulkar and dravid but your bangali parochialism is evident from the fact that i dont recall you ever having criticised ganguly, inspite of his being quite a selfish player, who would so obviously slow down while nearing personal landmarks. Also he did not retire inspite of being completely out of form for quite a few years, before greg chappel finally forced him to retire. And he was shameless enough to ‘opening’ up before the media after scoring against zimbabwe (talk about team spirit). Had it not been for the fact that he had some great players, all of whom were unselfish team players, his record as captain would hardly have been as impressive.

  18. By making fun of Rajinikanth, you have only betrayed your complete lack of knowledge of him beyond the usual hype and email forward jokes. No other Indian star can come any where near him in maintaining quiet dignity and decency and understatedness as compared to crassness of Bollywood superstars barring a ‘always boringly politically correct Bacchan’.

    As some commenters pointed out your obvious hero worship of a certain SG was always glaring; especially as you are so balanced in assessment of other celebrities.

    I have no issue with the choice of other presidential candidates, though , I must say this piece is a bit tepid compared to usual GB stuff.

  19. Great to see South Indians like Lakshmi-kanth getting their knickers in the twist when you perceive an insult to your great sir. To top it off, you then deem it fit to mention Sourav Ganguly to cover your own parochialism, even though he is nowhere in the picture. Whether sir is humble or not, whether he has a lot to humble about or not, is irrelevant. Your naked parochialism and then your attack on GB is not irrelevant though.

    “I don’t have any problems with other presidential candidates”–>WHOO BOY, some SIR does take himself seriously. As if anyone cares if you have problems or not. Why would you? None of the rest are from South India.

  20. How I miss K R Narayanan & Abdul Kalam?

    It was a pleasure, having them as 1’st citizen.

    Seriously, Baba Amte for President? Any one for him ?

  21. Comparing Mamta Banerjee to North Korea’s leader is completely unfair since that position belongs to one and only Mayawati and her statues..:P

    But thou shall not indulge in blasphemy !. *Sachin Sachin Sachin Sachin * :)

  22. My vote goes to Navjot Singh Siddu. there is never a dull moment when that guy is around and lord knows that Rashtrpathi Bhavan has been very very dull the past 5 years.

    Second option would be Vijay Mallya. This guy knows how to run business and be considered a “luxury airline” without any money of his. He can probably India “the world leader” without any issues of development and lots of loans from WB, ADB, IMF etc. If people do not like the way we work, we will just cancel all contracts and agreements when not in our favor, once they give us the money.

  23. What about someone with iq level of 70 considering the fact that few people in this blog who had already commented have got even less than 70.For example an asshole Indian has an iq level even less than Australian aboriginals.So a country with average iq of 82,I think we should choose someone with iq less than 70 so that we can achieve that mark very soon.Our neighbour China has already achieved 105.

    Read this blog-India/China iq puzzle and where we stand with others.

  24. Pingback: My vote for the President. - Page 2

  25. Unrelated but relevant – A dada-less KKR is making progress and finally may get to move ahead of league phase. Dada is doing what he did for KKR, making PWI sink.

  26. Qualification wise, Karunanidhi should fit the bill!Retired and toothless politicians who would not like to retire….

  27. my vote is for uday chopra. btw, superb post. wish there was a twitter plugin that would post directly the link..

  28. Robert Vadera has his job cut out for him since he married into the family..He’s India’s very own Zardari..creepily enough he totally resembles him..

  29. @Dhobi Fan Boy

    Why not Dhoni? He has failed miserably in Test matches abroad and now CSK struggled against Mumbai (Thanks to Sachin and Dwayne Bravo’s brilliant knock at the end and Dhobi’s failed captaincy). If someone needs to retire, it’s your beloved Dhobi ;)

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