Patriot Missiles

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Around Independence day, I inevitably start feeling patriotic. And when I do, I turn to Bollywood for sustenance and succor. Honestly, where else would you find true greatness like Dev Anand’s “Peeya hoon main sat mulk ka paani, sabse meetha Hindustani”? Where indeed?

Which is why, in this post, I salute five of my favorite filmi patriots. A disclaimer: Since I am primarily a Hindi film man, I have avoided greats like Balayya in my list (I lack intimate knowledge of his body of work) and for that I apologize. I have also not considered Prabhuji simply for the sake of fairness. After all, everyone deserves a chance.

5. Amrish Puri: Accepted that what crowds the mind when the name Amrish Puri is mentioned has nothing to do with patriotism. Actually the opposite. One thinks of Mogambo of Mr. India and his dildo-inspired missiles of doom. One thinks of Shamoshasha Dong, the Chinese overlord, woman-trafficker and organ-vendor, whose (as the voiceover in “Tahalka” says)hawas ki haad apne sarhadon se nikal kar Hindustan ke hadon mein ghusne ki koshish main rahee hai”. One thinks of JK-sahab of Shahenshah who drinks Black Dog in honor of the “saikdo kaale kutte” that start barking in his blood whenever he sees “gore titli”.

For me however, Amrish Puri will always be associated with the character he played in Pardes, the great NRI who loves his country so much that he has not let even a bit of internationalism creep into his English accent. I mean, who can ever forget those marvelous lines in which he not only defines the essence of India but also cutely stereotypes another country, to the extent that would make even Danny Boyle and Oprah Winfrey blush:

Mere Amreekan doston, Amrika main pyar ka matlab hain lenden. Lekin Hindustan main pyar ka matlab hain sirf dena… dena… dena. In America, love has its own limitations, its demands. There love is a gesture of give and take. But in India, it is not give and take. In India, It is but give, give and give.

Some unpatriotic morons of course insist that it is this tendency of love-fuelled “dena dena dena” (give give give) that has led us to some problems with population. To those bhok-ing kaale kutte, I wish that a bottle of Black Dog silences them up.

4. Nana Patekar: Patriotism need not always be about love. It can be about anger. And no one does “subaah mirchi ka achar khaya tha kya” better than Nana Patekar.Whether it be the patented move of making a patriotic point by spilling his own blood and then drawing someone else’s (and no Twilight wannabes, he is no telepathic girlie vampire like Robert Pattinson’s Edward Cullen) and then mixing the two together like an artist does poster color (he does this in Krantiveer as well as in Yashwant) or whether it be angsty rants in Tirangaa at the funeral of Raj Kumar (infintely more powerful than Anthony’s speech at Caesar’s death), or his final spitfire of a speech standing at the gallows in Krantiveer (at one time, he forcibly takes the noose from the hangman in order to kill himself, so infuriated he is), no one quite drives the stake into the heart with a 500 tonne hammer like Nana.

3. Anil Kapoor: For many young men in the 90s, Anil Kapoor is legend, the “I am hairy and I know it” super-hero whose caveman alpha-male charm would attract generations of women, like flies to a flame, often two at a time, as in Andaaz (Juhi and Karishma) and Judaai (Sridevi and Urmila). In Pukar, Anil Kapoor is at his dual-core best, generating fematism (female magnetism) through the current of manliness conducted through the solenoid curls on his body, a force that drives two hot women (Madhuri Dixit and Namrata Shirodhkar) wild with lust, so much so that the scorned one betrays the country. Which is when Anil Kapoor shows that if there is one thing that he loves more than doing Boee Boee Bambam Boee with the ladies , it is India.

In Pukar, Anil Kapoor is like a grenade with the pin taken out, cracking out one uber-patriotic sentence after another. [Video]

Wardee rahe na rahe jis din mujhe desh ka gaddar ka pata chala, cheer doonga (threatening movement of finger)

Humara har jawaan ek nuclear bomb hai

Tere goordein main jitne dam hai utna zor laga le. Hum Hindustani ek hai aur ek hi rahenge.

Arre Kargil ka ek paththar bhi le ja na sake Kashmir ke seb khaane ka sapne dekh rahe ho.

Mere desh ke liye mera jasba mere wardi main naheen, mere yeh rago mein daur rahe hain.

If after this, there is any Indian who can resist taking off the great man’s wardi and gawking at his jasba, then all I can say is that person is obviously not a patriot.

2. Manoj Kumar: The true “Mr. India”, Manoj Kumar is synonymous with patriotism. It was he who informed the world of India’s invention of zero and then illustrated its significance through song in Purab Aur Paschim. Indeed so effective was he that Paschim-loving smoking red-haired Saira Banu saw the error of her ways and even British started singing in chorus amidst randomly moving tables [Video] and even inspired Akshay Kumar to be politely patriotic in Namaste London [Video] . It was he who got Hema Malini to writhe so sensually on the deck of a slave galley ship in Kranti that the British found their muskets firing pre-maturely [Video]. It was he who demonstrated that you do not need implanted cardiac defibrillators to jump-start the heart. All you need are batteries, a cassette player and a recording of Kadam Kadam Badaye Ja. [Video]. As a matter of fact it is whispered that the British have been so traumatized by his continual taking of their case, that when a boxer named Manoj Kumar was beating the ass off a British boxer, they made sure he lost. By means that were, to put it mildly, controversial. [Link]. Just so that they can have the joy of having defeated Manoj Kumar. Hah.

Zero you are Team Great Britain.A great big zero.

By the way, you do know who invented zero, don’t you?

1. Sunny Deol: True story. The 90s. I am watching Border in a single-screen theater, packed to the rafters. Towards the end, epic music starts. Blood starts pumping. Jackie Shroff takes off in his plane to do Mausichi to the enemy.

And just then, Sunny Deol’s voice thunders “Woh kahete hain ki nashta Jaisalmer mein karenge, aaj naashta hum unka karenge”.

Lump in throat. Now there he is, charging towards the Pakistanis with a howitzer on his shoulder.

All control lost. The whole crowd, me included, explodes.

Hindustan Hindustan. Hindustan Meri Jaan.

When movie ends, my heart is beating like it has run a marathon, my eyes are tearing up with emotion. So inspired am I that I feel like charging Pakistan with my bare hands.

Of course that was not possible. So I do the next best thing. Have something to eat at the concession stand, imagining myself to be digesting the enemy Sunny Paaji style (By the way, I firmly believe that the scene in Border (1997) where Sunny Deol has given up and shoots the tank just before it gets bombed from above has uncanny resemblance to “Saving Private Ryan” (1998). Of course, since it is Spielberg, it is a co-incidence)

But his greatest work, just barely pipping Border, will remain Gadar.

To quote what I had once written about it. [Link]

Tara Singh (Sunny Deol) has come to Pakistan to bring back his wife Sakeena to Hindustan when her evil father played by Amrish Puri (he is after all Pakistani) decides to convert Tara Singh to Islam. First, in front of a crowd of Pakistanis who look like they are straight out of a Taliban training camp, he makes Tara agree to become a Muslim. He does. The crowd cheers. Then he makes him say Pakistan Zindabad. He does so. The crowd cheers once again.

And then he asks Tara Singh to say Hindustan Murdabad.

Big mistake. Big fucking mistake.

Tara Singh bellows in a voice that can be heard from Rawalpindi to Lahore.

Hindustan zindabad the, zindabad hai aur zindabad rahega.

As the crowd looks on stunned, Tara Singh further thunders:

Agar main bibi bacchon ke liye sar jhuka sakta hoon, to main sab ke sar kaat bhi sakta hoon.

Within seconds, the evil Pakistanis starts running towards him thinking they can finish him off.

Big mistake. Big fucking mistake number two.

Sunny Deol with his bare Jatt hands yanks out a handpump from the ground. One Pakistani comes rushing in. Within seconds he is airborne. Another attains escape velocity a second later. And so it goes on as Sunny Deol with one handpump fights off a city full of Pakistanis, in a display that would make Neo of Matrix say “He, not me, is the chosen one.”

In the meantime, Isaac Newton comes in to say “Bete this is against my first, second and third laws.” Sunny cracks Newton’s ribs and says “Phir se bol?” And just for fun he reverse-slaps Einstein and yanks off his mustache with an earth-shaking “m c square naheen, m c round hai” .

Coming back to Gadar, Sunny-paaji boards a truck with his wife, kid and cleaner and they start driving for the border. The Pakistanis hurl grenades at the truck. And the one thing you don’t do is to mess with a puttar’s truck, specially one that has been fitted with anti-mortar armor in Ludhiana. A series of grenades detonate on the lorry but nothing happens to it. Several cars come in front of the marauding truck though and they are ma-behened. Soon of course the entire Pakistani army is behind Sunny-paaji. No matter. All he has to do is to scream and their First Division is in full retreat. Soon their President is asking for three billion dollars in non-military aid from Obama and our Prime Minister is weakly capitulating in Sharm El Sheikh.

Legend. Pure legend.

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67 thoughts on “Patriot Missiles

  1. Awesome! “Soon their President is asking for three billion dollars in non-military aid from Obama and our Prime Minister is weakly catapulting in Sharm El Sheikh.” :-)

  2. Great list. Regarding Nana Patekar though, he genuinely raised the question of what exactly nationhood and patriotism really are in Prahaar, where his (somehwat shuttered) idealism was contrasted with the rottenness and cynicism of the people around him. Though it’s not the usual “Bharat ma ke liye jaan de doon” chest thumping, it’s worth remembering

  3. Happy Independence To You :)

    My eyes filled up again as I read about all the howitzer showering heroes.
    Yes, Sunny Deol invoked “that” emotion.
    My second favorite was the late Amrish Puri, also a des ka beta in DDLJ :-)

    remembers a dialogue from one of Sunny’s lesser known movie :-
    “doodh mangoge,kheer denge
    kashmir mangoge cheer denge!”

  4. Awesome read. Just a tad sad that Amitabh Bachchan doesn’t make this list inspite of him acting for so many years…but then aur bhi gam hain, patriotism ke siva. thanks

  5. You forgot “Maa tujhe salaam” of Sunny paaji where the enemies (pakistanis) carrying “bombs” and “grenades” in their hands piss in their pants when our paaji just stare at them.

    And the incomparable “doodh maangoge to kheer denge, kashmir maangoge to cheer” denge… I guess these were Arbaaz khan’s lines. But, who cares until sunny paaji is kicking butts in the phillm…

    And never underestimate and forget the jatt who didn’t let the Tiranga drop to the ground (ice) when uncountable number of bullets were flying in the air..

    BTW… A great read… greatbong!

  6. Great Bong you had me in splits while reading the article…this is awesome stuff my man….“m c square naheen, m c round hai” real gem…I was laughing my ass off in the office…Thanks for making my day dude and Happy independance day to you too good sir!!!

  7. I will admit that, I felt exactly the same way you describe watching Border. Although, it was Sarfarosh, I think, that ‘boldly’ named Pakistan in its dialogues (until then, it was ‘dushman’), but, the vitriol spewed only in Sunny paaji’s movies. Also, I think, it was the first movie to get war movie styled explosions closest. There was this scene of a tank blown up by a plane and the barrel of the tunnel actually swung like a guitar wire !

    BTW, I hope you know that the Pakistani tank operator’s message ‘aage jaana to door, peeche bhi aana mushkil ho gaya hai’ is true. I remember, reading it in some school text book and I think, watching it in an episode of ‘Param Vir Chakra’ (I think, the hero of that episode was Mathura Das – “Jeep, poji-saan !”.)

    Not that, anyone asked, but, whenever I am outside of India, I am fierce about India; especially, when the audience is mostly Asian or other G(arib)-50 nations. Against the G8, well, I am ‘realistically’ fierce. That is about as patriotic as I get.

    Jai Hind !

  8. @greatbong: Just a small error..Nana Patekar was spitting out angsty rants at funeral of Suresh Oberoi and not Raj Kumar :)

  9. A minor quibble, Sunny paaji didn’t charge at the Pakistani tank regiment with a Howizter- that actually would have been a fair fight, but I digress. The actual weapon was a RPG, an impressive feat nonetheless

  10. “angsty rants in Tirangaa at the funeral of Raj Kumar”. It wasnt the funeral of Raj Kumar, but a policeman.

    Super stuff whats written above.

  11. Great bong, ab kya kahein hum… aap to truly Great Bong ho.

    When superior civilisations chance upon Earth a few thousand years from now I’m hoping they find a dvd of Gadar somewhere.

  12. Arnab…long time reader…this is probably a post that i have enjoyed the most with one of the most killer endings ever :)

    “Soon their President is asking for three billion dollars in non-military aid from Obama and our Prime Minister is weakly catapulting in Sharm El Sheikh.”

    tough act to follow sir.

  13. “our Prime Minister is weakly catapulting in Sharm El Sheikh”

    did you mean “capitulating”?

    While we the people will soon catapult Narendra Modi to Prime Ministership, we only expect the current one to capitulate, for thats all his mind and knees are capable of.

  14. More than Balayya, you should check NTR (sr)’s Major Chandrakanth to get splits

    M C square nahin, M C round hai…. Ha aha ah aha ha aha. You made my day… This post will be doing the rounds…

  15. A fairly major error – Nana Patekar’s rant in Tiranga was at Suresh Oberoi’s death. Jaani never dies, EVER!!

  16. Amazing stuff Arnab. have been following your blog wordlessly all these months- ever since I picked up one of your books. you are truely gifted with a fine sense of the ridiculous.
    “As a matter of fact it is whispered that the British have been so traumatized by his continual taking of their case, that when a boxer named Manoj Kumar was beating the ass off a British boxer, they made sure he lost. By means that were, to put it mildly, controversial.Just so that they can have the joy of having defeated Manoj Kumar. Hah.”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Well done and keep it up.

  17. Sunny and Anil Sharma’s sequel to Gaddar was no less on patriotic grandeur. You could have mentioned that as well. HERO – The love story of a spy.

  18. “Jackie Shroff takes off in his plane to do Mausichi to the enemy.”

    Takes razor sharp mind to create such a terrific line. Prabhuji, tohfa kubul karo ;-)

    Now ‘Jackie’ and ‘Mausichi’ gonna be inseparable words like the way ‘Sunny Leone’ and ‘Porn’ are inseparable.

  19. GB great stuff as usual!
    @pritam sinha,bro, while AB sr does not figure here, he did figure in some fine turkeys about patriotism
    desh premee as the singing professor who was getting ripped by barb wire… But the scars never showed..
    Hindustan ki kasam : mother of all turkeys, as a retired one-handed ex armyman who for some reason went around like a beggar spouting patriotic jingoism.
    Ab tumhare hawale watan sathiyon as the armyman hell bent upon seeing his grandson get a medal for his services to the nation.
    There are others… Kohraam, lakshya, bht then nothing in the league of sunny paaji and nana patekar.
    Btw, am a huge huge big b fan so I don’t want anyone to start taking my trip that I wrote something about him..:)

  20. What an excellent way of rekindling cinematic memories and making your readers nostalgic about the days of bunking classes to watch movies ! While I relish this stylish and lucid genre of writing, I must dare to point out the elephant in the room.

    Leaving the jingoism aside, the biggest irony is that many of the Pakistanis whom Sunny Deol’s Jatt character fights in Gadar and Border are Jatts themselves. The rest are Gujjars, Rajputs, Khatris and Brahmins (Bhat = Butt).

    The same irony is true, to a large extent, when we look at the composition of several regiments in the armies of Pakistan and India.

    The Bedouin Arabs must be rolling over and laughing as they watch how their theological skullduggery has injected the separatist poison in the Indian subcontinent; making Jatts kill Jatts, Gujjars kill Gujjars, Rajputs kill Rajputs, Khatris kill Khatris, and Butts kill Bhats – only because one section of the same clan refused to convert at the tip of the sword; while those that converted (at the tip of the sword) embraced the mentality of their oppressors.

  21. Newton-…Beta..this doesnt go with my laws…just fantastic…!!

    But ignoring Prabhuji ahs allowed us to look at these unsung heroes of our times…

    Sunny Deol has to be bestowed with a Ashok Chakra atleast in the next republic day… He has been a true bharat maa ka beta… But just to add lemon in milk…I really hope none of u have seen the movie..KAAFILA..somewhere in 2007..!!!This is what happens when u dont honour your men..they join the videshi takat..

    U ve missed another lesser mortal..though a legend in his own right..SUNIL SHETTY…his Border performence was integral to the victory at longewala…watching him run with an anti-tank mine in his hand or sleeping ubder a blanket of sand..or getting scolded by paaji even wen offering to lay his life and many more are moments forever etched in our memory..!!

  22. Simply awesome!!!!
    ‘All he has to do is to scream and their First Division is in full retreat. Soon their President is asking for three billion dollars in non-military aid from Obama and our Prime Minister is weakly capitulating in Sharm El Sheikh.’

    Hilarious post!

  23. ROFL!!! Classic Great Bong!!!!
    “Some unpatriotic morons of course insist that it is this tendency of love-fuelled “dena dena dena” (give give give) that has led us to some problems with population. To those bhok-ing kaale kutte, I wish that a bottle of Black Dog silences them up.”

  24. History has recorded in golden letters the irrefutable fact that Sunny Paaji uprooted a filmi handpump when facing 50 extras (who played Pakistanis).

    So far, so good.

    But what, oh what, would poor Sunny Paaji do when faced with 50,000 Indians in Mumbai?

  25. at Bengal Voice

    Your comment itself is another master piece….A quick google image search for the map “Epic India” and “Epic India Cities” will tell you how much territory and resources have been lost to Bedouin Ideology….

  26. Things little uncool in GOW…the loonda naach by bengali character though rest of actors are mainly from bihar up belt, naming of bengali keep as Durga and writing off all Bengal as communist who dont want industries,poor bihari muslims as savages etc. Though these weakness may be found more commonly among such classes but stereotyping is wrong.

    And what i have written is little act of mischief as well…i could have just ignored it. But Bongs are great people & should not get affected.

  27. I was trying to read your old post “The Killing fields of Bengal” (Nov 2007) but it does not load. Did you remove the article?

  28. Greatbong,
    I am surprised you mentioned Nana at No.4 and did not mention the only movie ever directed by him. If you havent watched it: Prahaar. A generation that went to college in early nineties was inspired to take NDA entrance just because of this movie. Try youku or soku (I mean, dot com).

  29. @Sanjay: I’d like to see you crap like that. Where were you all these days!

    C’mon, show the world your talents.

    Or maybe, you just did.

  30. @GB … reading ur post after a long time …Superb post… sunny paaji ” balwant rai ” shout is also in that same league as Gadar

    “Soon their President is asking for three billion dollars in non-military aid from Obama and our Prime Minister is weakly catapulting in Sharm El Sheikh.”..Brilliant

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