Well I might have been wrong about the exact decade in which the BJP’s clock stopped working. It was not the 90s after all. Hearing Arun Jaitley speak of the perils of having our food supply in “foreign” hands, all I see is a desperate attempt to revive the pop-culture bogeyman of the license-raj 70s days, that phirang Bob-Christo archetype snarling in his accented Hindi about “dirty Indians” while the noble Manoj Kumar would be tied up in a galley, looking to the side surreptitiously at Hema Malini,a symbol of India (or more precisely its food security) caught in the vice-grip of foreign avarice, writhing sensuously on deck.

Will FDI in retail devastate India?

I think I would be able to answer this question better if I understood the significance of the term “foreign” in today’s globalized marketplace. Corporations, you see, don’t have countries. Like Jeniffer Lopez, they just have bottomlines. That’s the only thing they are loyal to.

Consider this. The most “American car” (i.e. most parts sourced from manufacturers in the US) according to this article is the Toyota Camry (80% US parts). Yes Toyota, a “Japanese” company does more for supporting US manufacturing than the American “domestic” manufacturers. Not that this says anything about Toyota’s “national” loyalties. The Japanese auto giant is doing this as a PR counter to the chest-thumping “Buy domestic” advertising campaigns of their traditional America-based rivals, demonstrating their superior “patriotism” to their American customer-base. (Honda is the company which comes second on this “patriotic” scale in the US. Says something for corporate patriotism doesn’t it?)

I have been hearing some of the arguments from the FDI haters. “They” will flood the market with cheap Chinese manufactured goods, killing off Indian local manufacturing. And wait, why do we think that Indian-owned retail stores don’t or won’t do this? Oh because they are patriotic.

Okay next.

“They” will force small Lalaji stores out of business. And somehow Indian-owned retail chains won’t?

Not that I do not get the logic that underlines all of it. The Walmarts of the world have huge resources, they will come in, install their patented, mega-efficient supply chains, lower prices to unreasonable levels, muscle local competition out and then raise prices back again, reap ginormous profits, flow the capital back to the mother-ship, make “us” their slaves (as we are charmingly told here),  tie comely village lasses to flagpoles and go Muhahhhhaaaaa. The assumption here is that foreign retailers are deadly efficient and will do a more effective job of killing off local businesses than Indian mass-retailers, who are somehow benign because they 1) have less resources than the firangs and 2) cannot stand up to Walmart’s superior processes. Plus they are of course “Indian”. So if they force other Indians out, it’s all fair. Must not forget that bit.

Many many years ago when American fast food chains was about to enter the Indian market, we had heard similar prophecies of impending doom.

McDonald’s is the largest owner of property in the US, do you know? We nodded our head. That was news to us.

Once they enter India, they will spread all over the country, like an attack of headlice. And then using their financial might and their patented food fabrication technologies, they will keep their prices unnaturally low, force small food-places out of business, change India’s eating culture, flow the capital back to the mother-ship, make us their slaves, tie comely village lasses to flagpoles and go Muhahaaaa.  Yep they said that then too. There were also protests, agitations, violence and overall much hot air.

Years later, when I walked into a McDonald’s outlet in Mumbai and the Indian waiter informed me “Sir if you order one side, you will get a free Valentine rose.” I actually felt bad for the evil yellow arches and what we had reduced it to in India. Yes, the roadside oily snacks go on, egg rolls and mutton rolls are consumed as lustily and packets of biriyani are as religiously gulped down. In short, the American fast food joints have not had the revolutionary effect on the gustatory landscape of India that had been prophesied, remaining at best a marginal presence in some metros, enjoying none of the ubiquity it enjoys across the Atlantic and certainly not competing at the lowest segment of the food industry, like it does in the US.

The reason MacDonald’s of the US is so different from the MacDonald’s of India is because US is so very different from India. Not that it is easy to understand or explain the complex phenomenon of chains like Walmart and Ikea but their success is critically dependent on the following factors—-construction of mega-stores in suburban areas (typically near highway exists) where land is cheap, the American culture of driving large distances to shop, the well-developed infrastructure that make this driving possible as also the fast movement of goods. In other words, Walmart’s success is intrinsically tied into the American way of life. That model cannot be transplanted to India directly because the environmental assumptions it depends on….well they are just not here. The Bob-Christos and Tom Alters will have to device totally new locational, procurement and marketing strategies if they want to succeed here and, if anything, there it is the local “Indian” retail chains that have had the first-mover advantage.

As a matter of fact, Walmart would be a disadvantage in one crucial respect—its treatment of labor. While Lalaji can make his employees sleep in the back-room where the rats run about and thus keep costs low, if Walmart tried to make their employees do anything similar, someone could just put that up on Youtube and then Walmart execs would have hell to pay in the US in terms of the ensuing PR disaster. Lalaji, if he got Youtubed, would just laugh it away.

And so this whole “They will come and wipe us out” is just a load of panic-mongering. What will likely happen to Walmart and the larger chains is exactly what happened to McDonalds.  Like McDonalds, Walmart will not be a player in the lowest segment of the market where traditional local stores, the “little guys” whom everyone is crying for, will be safe.They will have a largely urban presence and minimal penetration in the backwaters and villages where the little store selling Exide Batteries, Nirodh Condoms and  Five Point Someone will continue as if nothing has happened. If anything, it will be the large Indian retail chains that might feel the pinch, which is why it is they who are driving the anti-FDI movement while claiming of course to be representing the  ”the poor store-owner.”

Of course, the real thing is it is all politics. The government at the center stands to gain, in obvious ways, when anything foreign comes in. That explains their desperation to get the damn thing done, which does not rise above making promises that it might not be able to keep. The BJP has to look after its base: the urban “Indian” business class, who have the most to lose from increased competition. So do regional parties, unless the foreign entities deal with them too. So it is inevitable that all of them will get under the Center’s skin on this one. And the Left, including the official Left and Didi, well for them anything that comes from the West smacks of imperial agendas—-these people are even worse than the BJP, they haven’t been able to get over the class-warfare rhetoric of the 50s.

And while all this sabre-rattling happens over what is essentially a non-issue and hoary arguments from the darkest days of Nehruvian-Indirian protectionism are brought out from the mothballs, vital national time and energy is irretrievably lost.

Through the seasons, I have seen guests come to the Big Boss house for different reasons —some like Shakti to get rid themselves of alcoholism and make a point to the nation, some like Mr. Mahajan come to hit on women (and when he hits them, they stay hit), some like Rakhi, Sambhavna and Kashmira come to launch themselves into the world of reality shows. As a matter of fact, I was sure I had heard everything except —”I am a wannabe celebrity and want to make money by fighting and bitching.”

I was wrong. There are still more reasons. [Link and Link]

“After thoughtful consideration I decided to participate as an inmate in the (Bigg Boss) house so that I could reach out to as many people as possible. The house is much better than the ‘so-called’ temple of democracy,” he had said.

He also cited another reason for his decision – to make the women in the Bigg Boss house more aware of the situation of girls in the society.

“I want to make them realize just how many girl children are killed in the womb and how many women are burnt alive in the name of sati,” he told a newspaper……………..

There have been occasions, when criminals transform into revolutionaries. Pooja Missra revolutionary ban sakti hai – yehi ummeed leke jaa raha hoon.

Yes ! Swami Agnivesh is going in and he is taking no prisoners. What could be nobler than making Mahek Chahel aware of the state of wombs or informing superflirt Sid about the situation of girls in society or making Sonali Nagrani believe in the virtues of transparency or inculcating sraddha in Sraddha or transforming the great Pooja Mishrra into a revolutionary, a Gandhiian with Puns, a Valmiki of our times? As a matter of fact the last time I heard something as gloriously selfless was when Jesus Christ died for our sins, significantly after being in a closed room with twelve other people.

Of course, the brave Swami is facing flak for this selfless decision. Some are accusing him of lowering the image of saffron. Some are aghast that he has compared Big Boss’s house with Parliament, a comparison which I personally believe lowers the dignity of Big Boss’s House.

But I say, rock on Swamiji. I am with you. I was feeling a void after Brahmachari Shakti Kapoor was eliminated but seeing you in his place, has gladdened my heart. With so many cat fights and Meowists about, only a best friend of  Maoists can bring peace and positivity. With his sterling record of being an unifier in the Anna movement,who better than him to pacify nerves, soothe egos and promote the ideal of synergy and peace that Big Boss is all about.

Not only will his advent be good for Big Boss, but it will also be beneficial for the Swami. Right now, his achievements page, except an endearing picture with the Real Big Boss, is a bit light, a fact that is recognized by the “Many other achievements are in under construction”. Well Big Boss will provide him a platform to construct many other glorious achievements that will be talked of, in years to come, with the whispered reverence one reserves for Asmit Patel and Dolly Bindra.

Only two things the good man needs to be aware of.  First given the type of contestants there, if one of them come to you all friendly, do not drop your guard. Like you did here. [Video]

Even more importantly, remember that in the Bigg Boss house, there are cameras everywhere and everything he says will be recorded. In the past, the Swami has had slight problem with respect to cameras and recording gear. Like the time when he was caught in conversation with Kapil someone (his enemies claim it was Sibal, his friends say it was Dev) running down a movement he was ostensibly a member of.  So the  Swami will do well to remember that when he is given a khufiya karya by the Big Boss inside, it is important to do it properly without getting busted.

But something tells me that he already knows all this.

So beware Mahek. Beware Jalebi Bai. Beware Laxmi Bhai. Beware Sky.

Agni is in the house.

NRIs are unpatriotic.

Having stayed outside the country for many years (twelve and counting), I have heard this and its variations many times. If you are an NRI, chances are you have too. In some form or the other.

Let’s look at the first sentence, shall we?

We know what an NRI is. Kind of.

But what is unpatriotic?

To me there are two kinds of patriotism—-Type A wherein people paint the tricolor on their faces, scream “Jeetega bhai jeetega India jeetega” at cricket matches, get all misty-eyed at “Mere Watan Ke Logon” and click “Like” on the  “I hate those who hate India” page on Facebook. Then there is Type B, the ones who actually do something for the benefit of Indians, over and above the call of duty.

From my personal experience, I can say that the average NRI, in the US at least, is actually more aggressively Type A than their homeland cousins. So by the Type A definition, their patriotism is next to none. This is in many ways natural. In the US, where I stay, a first-generation Indian (the only type who may reasonably be expected to be “patriotic”) despite his best efforts, can never be white. Nor can he be black. Which is why, no matter what his immigration status be in the eyes of the Immigration and Naturalization Service, he will never be American. Definitely not as American as apple pie. Or as Tupac.

It’s not just the color of his skin that detaches the first-generation NRI from the American identity. It is the reality of his upbringing, the very fact that he grew up in India watching “Hum Log” and “Buniyaad” instead of “Gilligan’s Island” and “Addam’s Family”.

No matter how much he reads up on the rules of baseball so that he may do small-chat with his American colleagues, a baseball game will never conjure up for him images of walking in to the stadium holding dad’s arm and eating  hot-dogs at the concession stand. Which is why he will never truly be as emotional over the game as a true-blue. In addition, the almost prevalent ignorance about his country of origin (“Do you guys really drink cow piss?”, “Do you people have modern toilets?” “Would you be allowed to eat with a person of a lower caste?”) in his immediate social context, an ignorance strengthened by simplistic poverty-porn like “Slumdog Millionaire” that defines India in popular culture, makes the average NRI even more conscious of his roots. It makes him that much more protective of his Indian identity, sometimes to the point of being aggressive. Of course this pent-up aggression cannot be given vent to when boss does his best Simpsons-Apu “Thank you come again” accent.

At that time, he needs to smile (else he will be considered “not a sport”). But the anger does need out, else he will burst. Some give in to gratuitous self-flagellation in the hope that he can get rid of the brown tag. But most react to the incessant cultural push by becoming even more “Indian”. This strengthening of  identity is manifested through regular attendance at India Association meetings every weekend, threats to cut off junior’s allowance if he/she does not attend “Indian cultural workshops” and ceaseless trolling of anyone who thinks “Rang De Basanti”‘s vision of redemptive justice rather disturbing.

One would say of course that when an NRI is accused of being “unpatriotic”, it is in the Type B sense. In other words, jingoistic as he be, he does not do anything for the country. Since this accusation comes primarily from non-NRIs, the assumption is clear “The person who stays in India, by the very act of staying, does more for  the country than the NRI. ”

Whenever I have asked “How is the homeland Indian more patriotic by definition?”, the answer I get, most often, is ” We pay taxes to the Indian nation.”

My counter to that is “You pay taxes, because you have to.” You pay only the amount the law dictates, taking advantage of every opportunity for deductions.

Nothing wrong in that of course.

What however is “not on” is when this kind of altruism-out-of-compulsion is presented  as an act of patriotism, as if one had any choice to do otherwise. If there is someone out there who is paying more tax than he is legally obliged to pay then yes, that person is definitely “patriotic”. But can we agree that if such people do exist in this world, they are the exceptions rather than the rule? And that there is nothing that prevents a NRI, if he be so inclined, from sending an envelope stuffed with cash to the Indian exchequer.

Is that likely?

No.

But then neither is the hypothetical homeland Indian who overpays tax intentionally.

The other argument I hear is: ” By staying in India, the homeland Indian works for companies that operate locally. Thus his brain is put to the service of the nation.”  Another closely related argument is that  “The homeland Indian  buys “Indian goods”, thus facilitating the flow of service and goods in the Indian economy.”

I have two problems with this.

One is that in today’s globalized economy, how is working for Indian company Wiprosys more “patriotic” than working for US company Microgle, when most likely the project you are working at Wiprosys is actually doing contract work for Microgle? Who is benefiting from your brain? The answer—the world.

As for spending money in India, whose economy do you think is benefited by the iPad or the Motorola phone you bought in Delhi or Bangalore? The answer—–the world’s.

I also fail to see the patriotism in providing a service and getting paid for it.

The only exception to this are people of the armed forces; their patriotism is beyond question. Why?
Because their calling carries with it the threat of death and serious injury and the salaries they receive do not compensate for that possibility—-it needs a special kind of person to be ready to make the supreme sacrifice and on the nobility of that, there can be no dispute.

And as for contributing to the economy, if we are going to be splitting hairs, I can say that the NRI also spends on their annual visits to the homeland. Spends quite a bit I can say from personal experience. Many send money back and buy property in India, thus oiling the wheels of the economy almost as well as the homelander. Again that he does so is driven by his personal interest and not from an inherent desire to go good for the country. Same then for the non-NRIs.

And if we are looking for true Type B patriots, you will find them outside the country as well as inside. And I am not just talking about the many who press a button and send a cheque to an Indian charity. Not that that in itself is not significant. I am talking about those NRIs who put in labor, taking time out from their jobs and their research, so that things may be better in India. I am talking about those running in marathons to raise money for Indian causes, those volunteering resources for organizing fund-raising events, those who take out time from the 2 weeks they get to go to India to trek to the backwaters and check on projects that are being supported, those who are working to supplement the Indian government’s meager lobbying efforts on Capitol Hills using their own resources. And many others.

Are there self-loathing, “India sucks” type here abroad? You bet there are. But for each one of them, I can show you one homelander who feels the exact same way. And for every NRI who does nothing for the country, you will definitely find one homelander who does exactly that.

In today’s globalized world, in which where one stays and works is merely an accident of convenience and opportunity, belittling someone’s love for their country and their contribution to it, purely on the basis of where they live, is intellectual laziness at the best.

And a  sneering “I am better than you” at the worst.

Writing for the foreign media, whether it be articles or fiction, is often like playing “Guitar Hero”—you mash the right buttons at the right moment and out comes a publication, in the same way “music” comes out of Guitar Hero. An example of this kind of ” say-what-your-foreign-audience wants-to-hear” writing that hits the hot-points can be found here, in an article written in the New York Times by Manu Joseph, also referred to sometimes in Middle Earth as the Bane of Barkha.

In it, Manu Joseph says that Indians are prickly about the negative portrayal of it in the foreign media, but truth be told, there is nothing much positive to say about the country (He has to “search for something good to say about India” as the headline goes). The Indian press carries positive stories about India because it sells, not because it is the truth. Other countries (like Greece for instance—-since we Indians presumably care enough of Greece to hate it) can be attacked since that is popular but not India, even though it still remains a shitty third world country. Whatever India has advanced is because of  the munificence of the West and their industry finding markets in South-east Asia and even Pakistan has done spectacularly as a result of this. So Indians should not be crowing. India= Pakistan.

There are a few things to point out, not least of all the effect of the influx of foreign bribe money into Pakistan’s infrastructure as a contributory factor for its prosperity. For one, this.

But, sometimes what makes a country proud is actually a poignant indicator of how far behind it lags. For instance, when a country’s tennis doubles players are national celebrities, as they are in India, you know that there is something wrong with its general sport talent

But sir, Mr. Joseph,  what you forget to tell your phoren audience is that Indians are proud of many people. They are proud of Bollywood stars, cricket stars, business magnates, doubles players, and even authors who win the Booker. So what does that prove?

For someone whose book critically portrayed Indian society as defined by rigid caste (one of the Guitar Hero notes needed to be hit for critical approbation for “literary” Indian writers in English), Mr. Joseph displays a surprising amount of Bramhinical elitism. It is not just limited to being disparaging of “tennis doubles winners” as if that is not “really” an achievement worth being proud of. Read this:

And many of them who have begun to work in call centers cannot be trained beyond a point because their fundamentals are weak. For instance, they have never attended an English-language school.

A senior human resources executive with a call center in Gurgaon, on the outskirts of Delhi, said with a chuckle: “The swanky office is to impress the foreign client. Some of our people who work inside, I know they would be happy in a cowshed.”

Happy to be in a cowshed? Wait, what was that again? Why is this blatantly elitist/classist/casteist remark used in this piece as a means of buttressing an argument? And oh “fundamentals are weak” –what is the correlation of that with never having attended an English-language school? Call centers do not require their employees to analyze Proust or be able to find the “gentle humor” inside Manu Joseph’s “Serious Men”. All they require is the ability to speak decent, understandable English. The fact that Indian call centers “get the job done” is testified by the return business they get. End of story.

India’s status as a software giant has long been a happy story. But it is an exaggeration. India is a not a software giant. In your computer, there is probably not a single piece of software whose license is held by an Indian company.

What India is, in reality, is a giant back office. There was a time when Indian software companies confidently stated that there were so many talented educated Indians available to them that they would be able to swiftly “move up the value chain.” That was the refrain.

What Mr. Joseph does not understand (and he is not alone, many India critics make the same mistake)  is that one can be a “software giant” without being a leader in innovation. A Microsoft Office product might conjure up images of American workers in Seattle, but significant portion of the effort  that goes into making the product might be coming from development centers in India, run either by Microsoft themselves or outsourced to Indian vendors. And what does that mean? The Indian economy makes loads of money through software services and becomes, yes you guessed it, a software giant.

Looking a bit deeper, one detects yet more bias. Somehow the quotidian “Dalit” lower-value-chain tasks of testing, maintaining, creating software support infrastructure for software companies, banks and hospitals  are considered inferior to the more “Brahmanical” tasks of innovation and product design, even though both generate revenue and both are critically important in the overall development chain.

Hmmm…

The larger point here of course is how come this very ordinary, poorly-argued piece gets into New York Times. The answer for it is provided by Mr. Joseph himself, albeit in a different context. In the West, negative stories of India sell. At a time when the US is being hammered economically and are being told by no less than their own President to “compete” with countries like India, it is “feel-good” therapy to hear that these upstart Indians are as smelly and dirty as they always were. Right-wing US media like Fox have goombahs like Glenn Beck for this kind of pandering—according to him, India has not yet discovered modern plumbing and river Ganga sounds like a disease.

New York Times, being a liberal media outlet, knows how racist and chauvinist it looks if a white American guy says “People in India would be happy to work in a cowshed”.

So they look out for Indians who will do the hatchet job—-serious women. And serious men.

Of course this report  is not an isolated case. Every time a person who went to IIT  does something noteworthy (be it good or, as in this case, possibly bad), it is inevitable that his alma mater will be referenced —”ex-IIT releases guitar CD”, “IIT alumni directs movie”, “IIT man writes bestselling novel”, “IIT alumni writes awesome coffee-table book”,  “IIT students start political party”,  “IIT man kills sister“, “IIT graduate acts in porn flick”. Okay I made the last one up but you do get the point.

Well so do I. And so does everyone.  The label “IIT” is a label of excellence, that has transcended its original “premier institute of technology” stamp  to become a guarantee of overall grooviness, in any field of human endeavor. A friend of mine, a professional photographer, tells me how a mention of his IIT-IIM pedigree distinguishes him in a place where his education should really have no bearing. An grand-aunt would say how for her darling grand-daughter “she only wants an IIT or an IIM”. A lady friend of mine told me, with barely concealed pride, how she is being pestered for matches by “boys from IIT” but she wants to “establish herself first”.

Oh brother.

In my own professional life, I have never felt the absence of an “IIT label” to be a hindrance—I got into the graduate school I wanted after graduation from Jadavpur University and after that my publications and the grants that I won spoke for me. Paradoxically it is in my writing life, which has nothing to do with my engineering degree, that my not being from IIT has been somewhat of an issue. I remember in an interview I did for “May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss”, a reporter asked “So you are from IIT?” I shook my head. “But you told me you stay in US, you are a PhD and you are a “techie”. (I never told the reporter I am a “techie”—hate the word with a passion). I explained to the person that just because I have a published book and I am a “techie” does not necessarily mean I am from IIT. The reporter hid the disappointment well. Not so this reader at a book event who asked me, with genuine eagerness, “Which IIT did you graduate from?”. I nodded a “No”. He followed it with a desperately-trying-to-save-the-situation “Oh you must be those who dropped out of IIT to write”. I once again said “No” this time, saw the sadness in his eyes.

He mumbled “I just thought….”. A bit embarrassed, I avoided his gaze.

Oh brother.

Dolly Bindra: “Kisiko anda milta hain, kisiko anda naheen milta hain, isne do aande khaayein isne ek aande khayen”,  says a contestant on Big Boss IV capturing perfectly the curse of the human condition, torn between the base instincts of hunger, lust and the desire for eggs, the last mentioned being an appropriate metaphor for them both. And if there is anyone who perfectly captures Big Boss and reality shows in general, it has to be Dolly Bindra, Sushmita Sen’s true ideal for “woman of substance”.

For long, Big Boss has experimented with the tried-and-tested formula of sidey starlets and wannabe models/actors and their fake romances but this time they alighted on the perfect guest, who crystallizes perfectly Big Boss’s  biggest viewership demographic—large, aggressive foul-mouthed aunties with a penchant for hyper-drama. Whether it be reacting to Asmit Patel’s  fake “ubercool” “Talk to the hand” with a gusty “Talk to your hand kya, hand aapne **** main daal”  and “finger daalna [Asmit's MMS partner's] *** main jaake” or her writhing on the ground,  claiming to having been possessed by a ghost (perhaps a person inside her trying to get out) Ms. Bindra has been incomparable, setting the bar high, way way high for people to follow in successive iterations of Big Boss.

Rakhi Sawant: One of the most inspiring sights this year has been that of Rakhi Sawant meting out her brand of justice in front of the kind of frenzied, zombie-like, adulatory crowd one last saw in old footage of Hitler addressing the German awaam. Humiliating people who, for a few hundred ruppees had been co-erced to sell their honor on national TV or washed-out starlets looking for a second of exposure on a big stage, Rakhi truly defined the concept of justice at a time when judgments like Ruchika’s verdict has shaken our faith in the judiciary. And to all those who say that law does not have teeth, one need look at Rakhi’s concept of insaaf which not only led to the deaths of thousands of gray cells all over the country but also allegedly led to a contestant  to commit suicide. Now only if we could let her try Kasab, before he becomes a guest on Big Boss Five, the fucker might finally die.

Yana Gupta’s panties: One only realizes the worth of teeth once they are gone. And one realizes the value of panties when they are forgotten at home. Yana Gupta revived her faltering career with a truly commando performance, allegedly getting a crore offer for a repeat act and huge buzz for her upcoming dance reality program. Some may argue that the real person of the year would be the industrious photographer (of course the thought that he might have been pre-informed to click photos of such a spontaneous mistake is blasphemous) who showed his nose for a good story by being there with “Yoni” Gupta at exactly the right time. Now if only our police could reach the scenes of heated activity this quick.

Diggy Baba: Now Mrs. Karkare may condemn what Diggy Baba has said. And there may be no records to prove the conversation he had with Hemant Karkare before his death. But like the kid in high school, who claims that all the popular girls call him and tell him how hot he is so that his loser male friends pat him on the back and say “Bhai tum to ekdam Bond Ho” , Diggy Baba likes to tell us that it was the Hindus who perpetrated 26/11. Though he may have later denied implying this, when someone makes the statement at a release function of a book called 26/11 RSS ki saazish, what else does one conceivably mean? While Diggy Baba is not my choice for man of the year, I can say that he is definitely on line for higher awards—-not just being the toast of the “liberal” crowd but also a shoo-in for a Padma-Bhusan or Padma-Vivishana or whatever they want to call it for him.

Kalmadi: It may be the year of the Raja but for me, THE MAN was “Sir U Made Lacs” Suresh Kalmadi. Not just for being the dude who unleashed a slew of PJs second only to the “Felicitations to 61 for turning Rajanikant” that assaulted us this year or for his 9 lacs rented treadmills which, according to him, came with their own German technicians and “free service” (of what type we dare not ask) and the concomitant herapheri of crores, what I found priceless was the expression of shocked innocence he wore on his face throughout and the outrageous “Dog ate my homework” excuses he would give as the pools would run out of water and the dry parts of the stadium would flood with water, made me double up with laughter. Unlike the Rajas and the Reddys who just made me feel enraged. I also feel bad for Kalmadi because after doing so much for our prestige, Sonia mam did not invite him to the after-party. Bo hoo.

Indian Press Megaheroes: Not much to say to these people but to repeat the immortal lines from Agneepath: “Yahaan pe telephone ke ghanti bahot bajtaa hai. Galat cheez banaya Telephone. Udhar se aadmi sochta kuch hain, bolta kuch hain, karta kuch hain”

Ravindra Jadeja: Like a boil that returns more stubborn than ever just when you think you have gotten rid of it,  Ravindra Jadeja was unstoppable this year when it came to finding his place in the Indian team. Whether that was because he had Radia buried in his name or because experts see Agarkarian talent in him, I do not know. But all I can say is that when your fans, who have bought a domain name for you ravindrajadeja.in write posts titled “Ravindra Jadeja Messes Up !” and “Ravindra Jadeja Messes Up Again !“, you gotta stretch your arms out, bend forward and say in unison—We are not worthy !

And the winner is….

Nira Radia: While our media heroes were shown taking dictation for their stories and negotiating…mm sorry…”stringing along source for stories”, politicians were making money in the thousands of crores, literally selling the air of the country, “sweat equity” became an euphemism for “sweetheart deals” to curry favor with those in power and Bollywood made one sorry mess after another, there was just one person, one friggin person who was doing her job with sincerity, single-minded purpose and uncommon intelligence,making Indian democracy dance to her vocal chords. Yes I am talking about Nira Radia, the undisputed Person Of The Year, encapsulating old world ideals of “Work is worship” in a manner that is truly inspiring, making thousands and thousands of calls that would put a salesman peddling car-loans on a per-commission basis to shame. Salut !

Maha Hope Rahul M, as a person and as a personality, is in no ways as entertaining as Rakhi Sawant. This explains why I didnt follow the program in the US as I had done for RS ki Swayamvar. However while sporadically watching the season finale , I finally became conscious of the show’s significance in the cosmic scheme of things. As comely lasses danced in choreographed fashion to “Kabse aayi hai teri dulhe raja” type songs in a manner that could not be any more “reality” trying  desperately to be the choice of a man with a liking for the “Coke side of life” once discovered alongside a dead family confidante , hailing from a family that has more skeletons in their cupboard than that would be found under the fields of Panipat, and with a, to put it politely, a dodgy history with women I came to the realization that this is not, as some feel, a new low in Indian TV history. On the contrary, this was a Coelhian message of hope and inspiration, at the same level of surreality as Jackie Shroff’s exhortation to use “Musli power” , directed at people with less-than-perfect line items in their marital resumes (like use of controlled substances, wife having “accidents riding his bike“) who despair of ensnaring a living female for the rest of their miserable lives.

Yes you can.

All you need is to get a reality show, preferably titled “Villainiya Dulhaniya Le Jayenge”. And then even a Dumpy you can have a Dimpy.

Swami Ever-Happy In the prescient movie “Teesri Aankh” Sunny Deol, who is known for exercising all muscles and glands except the lachrymal one, distraught at the proliferation of hidden cameras tearfully said “Kahaan chupayenge humare ma behenon ko?” Forget ma and behen, even our holy folk are no longer safe from the malignancy of extreme zooms. I mean here is this man, who had treated a disciple for her “wheezing problems” ( a side-effect of asthma where people find difficulty in blowing) , being given some seva (English translation: being serviced) in return for being cured (“Being true devotee, I offered my services like feeding and massaging him regularly in his room”) and this pesky camera just had to insert its telephoto lens inside this intensely spiritual bonding and give it a naughty subtext. I think Swami Every-Happy and ace politician Randy Tricycle should both do something about this menace, having fallen victims themselves in the last few months. On the subject of massages and other exercises that cause wheezing, here is a picture I took in the course of my travels in CR Park.

Sex Baba: Move over Desi Baba. The real deal is here. What I particularly liked about this fine soul is this line, in the best tradition of the Uncertainty principle: [Link] “I am 99% innocent.” , a refreshing change from the “I am 100% innocent” disingenuity one is used to hearing. Note to self: Next time wife catches me checking someone out I shall say “I am 99% innocent”. I suggest you do too.

Pakistan ban: An angry Pakistan board decided to unleash their khunnas on every major Pakistani player, an action as likely to be taken back as a Mamata Banerjee resignation. Last heard, administrative sanction was taken retro-actively by sending Inzamam to Oxford to do his PhD in post-modern literary criticism.No not to punish Inzi but to punish the British.

Book Update: Doing very well.

And some, like me, for the sight of  P K Banerjee (who gave Bengalis such enduring phrases as “Dui Milan-r Milan” while presenting Italian League soccer on DD) wiping his bald spot as he and Arun Lal get down from a metro train, with the same cool swagger that would later inspire Quentin Tarantino in “Reservoir Dogs”.

So when I heard of an attempt to re-mix and make Mile Sur more relevant it for a new generation, my heart brimmethed over with joy at the brilliance of the idea. After all what could be more sure to succeed than to take a much-loved work of art and try to make it better. After all, look at how RGV improved on the original Sholay and made that movie whose name I forget but which rhymes with Haag. I was even more excited when I heard that Zoom TV, the guys who know how to make use of their zoom lens like no other (witness this expose wherein scratches made by adamantine claws on Deepika Padukone’s back prove conclusively that Wolverine is the new man in her life), were the brains behind this project.  I was now sure that the focus of this new Mile Sur Tumhara (called Phir Mile Sur Tumhara like Phir Hera Pheri and Phir Teri Kahani Yaad Aayi and Phir Haathon Mein Sharaab Hai) would on the common people, like the man rowing the boat or the mahout as it was in the original, and less on Bollywood because after all Zoom Isko Dekho.

Once I saw the new Mile Sur Tumhara, I was blown away by the same euphoria that overpowers me everytime I come to the scene in the original when 16-wickets-on-debut-and-never-anything-after-that Narendra Hirwani, the dashing youth icon of the late 1980s, walks down the beach in a sweater.

This was the perfect re-adaptation of the old favorite, one that was guaranteed to strike a chord with the “Let’s have some raunak shaunak, let’s have some party now, let’s have some ralla rappa” generation with glamor exuding from every frame and the peppier, more happening “Yehi life ka gist. So let’s twist” demented variations on the overtly simple original.

Of course there was one major fail for me. No it was not the outlandish length of the whole thing—-after all rubbing sande ka tel on anything does extend it outrageously as we all know from engineering college hostel. No what was really shocking for me, was despite the theme of the torch being passed on from one generation to the next (hence Prakash Padukone becoming Deepika Padukone and Amitabh Bachchan spawning Amitabh Bachchan), there was no room for Jeetendra’s son Tusshar Kapoor and more importantly for Mimoh. I mean come on now. No Mimoh. Remember Mithunda in the original? Remember the elephant also?

But then this flaw, major as it was, was still swamped out by the other glittering successes of the music video.

Success 1: Aishwarya Rai channeling the Sharmila Tagore expression from the original.

Success 2: Abhishek Bachchan popping out from the back with a “I come as a package deal with dad and wife” apologetic smile.

Success 3: Rituparna-mashi and Bumba-da (Prasenjit , the outrageously bearded Paaji [Bengali for naughty] Paaji [Hindi]) representing the best and brightest of today’s Bangali intelligentsia (in the 1988 version it was people like Sunil Gangopadhyay , Mrinal Sen, Suchitra Mitra and Nirendranath Chakrabarti)

Success 4: Deepika Padukone doing a Liril tribute (after all the director of the music video is the man behind the original Liril Ad)

Success 5: Shiamak Davar proving once again that he is the Johnny Lever of dance.

Success 6: Aamir Khan doing the old  Bam Bam Bole meets Aati Kya Khandala facial expressions and “I am a superstar and watch me blend me with commoners” act that he does so well.

Success 7: Pagal-e-Azam Sonu Nigam, looking as fresh as he stepped out from the sets of “Jaani Dushman”, doing his excessively exaggerated gayiki and ada-kaari.

Success 8: Shahid Kapoor continuing his Chance Pe Dance act

Success 8:  And finally and awesomely, Shahrukh Khan, in his hammy goodness, packing in seventeen seconds of undiluted over-acting  concluding with his “never-seen-before” arms-outstretched romantic pose just to remind you, in case you forgot, the filmy flimsiness of the whole act.

Yes I can truly see this becoming the new song of a new India.

Now I wait eagerly for “Phir Baje Sargam Har Taraf Se” with Pritam, Himesh and Rakhi Sawant.

And if this piece of “hellhole” bit of writing was not enough of the imperial Macaulian “those poor annoying subhuman bastards” perspective of India for a week, we had insanely popular US talk show host Glenn Beck (who unfortunately calls him GB) on the cable news channel Fox News saying that India does not have flush toilets, their doctors graduate from their less-than-reputable institutes and that Ganges sounds to him like the name of a disease. [Link]

Now this does not surprise me in the least.  People like the “funny travel writer” and Danny Boyle of Slumdog Millionaire have a definite image of India they want to market to their audience. They go looking for muck and they find it. Anything they find that does not fall inside the “hellhole” tunnelview is ignored. Their aim is to make their largely Western audiences feel superior, enabling them to laugh at, feel pity for and sneer at the “dark countries” and in order to do so they use different modes of message delivery—-Boyle uses cinema, people like the travel writer use humor and Glenn Beck uses pure and simple hatred because his audience might find it tough to parse anything more subtle.

What however never ceases to amaze me is the reaction of us Indians to such characterizations of our people. When Shilpa Shetty gets a bit of racial abuse in Big Brother, the reaction is “We Indians are the most racist people in the world. How dare we point fingers?”  When Danny Boyle unleashes a gutter inspector’s report redux (the original being Mother India), the reaction is “He is holding a mirror to India and we are uncomfortable seeing how horrible we are”. When a travelogue makes sweeping negative statements about our country the reaction is “Geez. This man is soo right. We do treat foreigners horribly”. When Indian students are assaulted in Australia for their race, we are told that the Indians provoked it. And I am waiting for a comment saying “But yes desi-style commodes dont have flushes” in response to Glenn Beck.

This is what I had said in the review of Slumdog Millionaire.

But wait. Do Hindu saffron-clothed Senas not  run havoc through Muslim slums? Do street kids not get taken in by beggar gangs and maimed? Doesnt rape happen in India? Are those slums specially constructed sets? Why do you, third world denizen, get so defensive about your own country? Chill.

Well yes these things do happen in India. However the problem is when you show every hellish thing possible all happening to the same person. Then it stretches reason and believability and just looks like you are packing in every negative thing that Westerners perceive about India for the sake of “crowd pleasing”. Because audiences and jury members “feel good” when their pre-conceived notions are confirmed. On the flip side, nothing disquiets a viewer as much as when his/her prejudices are challenged. So Boyle does the safe thing.

Let’s say I made a movie about the US where an African-American boy born in the hood, has his mother sell him to a pedophile pop icon, after which he gets molested by a priest from his church, following which he gets tied up to the back of a truck and dragged on the road by KKK clansmen. Then he is arrested and sodomized by a policeman with a rod, after which he is attacked by a gang of illegal immigrants, and then uses these life experiences to win “Beauty and The Geek”.

Even though each of these incidents have actually happened in the United States of America, I would be accused of spinning a fantastic yarn that has no grounding in reality, that has no connection to the “American experience” and my motivations would be questioned, no matter how cinematically spectacular I made my movie. At the very least, I wouldn’t be on 94% on Tomatometer and a strong Oscar favorite.

In the same vein no one would deny the existence of pestering beggars and sharp merchants in India. No one would say that foreigners are not harassed or they are not cheated. But here is the deal. It happens in every country in the world. A few days ago I was in a conversation where someone was saying how she was assailed by beggars in Cambodia and how children are disfigured by parents and made to beg (Sounds familiar?). In South America, organized gangs kidnap tourists, take out money from their ATMs and have been known to make kidnapees initiate wire transfers before killing them off.

A colleague of mine was ripped off by a taxi-driver in New Delhi of Rs 5000 who charged him that amount for going from one terminal to another. Similarly a taxi driver in Italy once drove our family round and round the city, running up a huge bill and then dropped us off two blocks away from where we had hailed the taxi because the hotel was there and we did not know it.

I have been accosted by panhandlers in Detroit, walking besides me threateningly and persistently. I have been abused racially in multiple cities in the West. A friend of mine was mugged by two people in Paris, one of whom pinned him down to the ground while the other cleaned his pockets. Another friend of mine was punched and then had his face spat in a German city in front of people, who stood silently. And I personally have had certain merchants not based in a country that can be referred to as a hell-hole who putting fraudulent charges on my account. How about that Funny Travel Writer, who seems to think “The irrepressible over-ambition of the country’s (India’s) merchant class stalks you like a disease”? At least the merchant class’s over-ambition in India did not drive the world into a recession did it now?

Lest this seem like I am trying to do to Cambodia, South America, Germany, France and Italy what people are doing to India, let me make it clear that I am not. These are all excellent places to visit.

Of all the places I have been to, the US is the most courteous and non-prejudicial when it comes to treating foreigners where I feel orders of magnitude safer than in Europe.

No two ways about it.

What I am saying is that that bad things happen to tourists and in general to people everywhere, perhaps more so in the poorer countries in the world.

Not that it makes what happens to tourists in India any better or justifies it. (Intentionally made bold, because I have seen people sometimes have difficulty in understanding this line)

It is just that we are not the exclusive hellhole or much worse than average as we are made out to be by certain Western observers and by many Indians themselves.

It is this last part—the “self-perception” which to me is the most important. Glenn Beck’s statements, if you bring up in front of an American crowd, will be brushed aside with a “Glenn Beck is an ass. No one pays any attention to him” without any attempt to generalize what he said as an opinion held by people at large. This is exactly the way it should be.

If however you bring up Rimi Sen’s despicably racist statement [Link] in a conversation, Indians will more often than not say “We Indians are the most racist people in the world. This is exactly how most people feel in our country” rather than “She is a marginal actress who is airing her own personal prejudices. No one pays any attention to her”. Though one can argue that Glenn Beck’s statements are more alarming than Rimi Sen’s because while Ms. Sen is opining as an individual, Glenn Beck is speaking from a pulpit provided by a corporation. And he is not blustering in an off-guard moment but in a carefully scripted way designed to appeal to his base as a representative of  a mainstream media outlet, an outlet that has in no way disassociated itself from these despicable comments.

I have struggled to understand our innate ability for self-flagellation. Is this a legacy of colonialism? Or does it originate from a need to appear “liberal” and “exalted” in order to distinguish oneself from uber patriotism, which is frequently associated with the “uncool” Hindu right?

I really do not know. I guess a bit of both.

In conclusion, while we as Indians should be able to see our faults, we should not confuse “criticism” with attacks on us that stem from a feeling of superiority, a “We are better than you” kind of attitude which implies that all horrible things, the most dishonorable of merchants, the most flooded of  toilets and the worst of doctors are found, most frequently, in India.

Dr. Singh, the PM, ambles about.

Bill Clinton arrives.

“Hello there Dr. Singh. I had a favor to ask of you.”

Dr. Singh: “Oh Mr. Clinton, I thought you were not coming to the dinner.”

Bill: “See that’s the problem. That blasted wife of mine dragged me along—didnt want me to be alone with the new lady secretary I hired to look over my papers [wink]. Would it be possible for your country to invite Hillary over for like a week or two on some excuse?”

Dr. Singh: “But Mr. Clinton, she was in India only recently though why I don’t know myself.”

Bill:”I know I know. And those were such lovely days Dr. Singh. I hadn’t had so much fun since that going-away party for interns I threw in 1998. Can’t you again get her over for some days? Please?”

Dr. Singh (uncomfortable cough): “Well you should mmm talk to someone at the Embassy for that….”

Bill:  “Thank you so much. By the way, this here is Mr. Rod Blagojevich and he really wanted to talk to you.”

Dr. Singh: “Rod Blagojevich, you mean the guy who tried to sell President Obama’s  Senate seat and extorted a children’s hospital? Why would I want to talk…”

Rod:  “Hi Dr. Singh. I am sorry for interrupting. I am trying to turn over a new leaf right now and want to go to India, a country I have long admired as one that reflects my values,  for spiritual rejuvenation. I have heard of a guruji who can help me attain a higher level of salvation. His name is Madhu Koda. Could you please make the connection between us?”

Dr. Singh (uncomfortable cough): “Well you should mmm talk to someone at the Embassy for that…By the way, Mr. Clinton, do you know where President Obama is? I really do need to talk to him…..”

A man comes up and pokes out his hand.

“Hello Dr. Singh. My name is Kal Penn and I am part of the Obama administration.  You may have seen me as Taj Mahal Badalandabad in the Van Wilder series of movies. You know the one where I say “In my country, a woman’s mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!” No you havent seen it? Well then perhaps you have seen me as Kumar in the Harold and Kumar series? Perhaps not.  Well I just wanted to say how much I admire India (my family is originally from it but you would not know since I don’t use my last name Modi) and just as a tribute to my home-country, let me present the people of India with an uncut version of Bachelor Party Vegas…

Dr. Singh (uncomfortable cough): “Well you should mm talk to someone at the Embassy for that….oh there he is….President Obama….Oh hello…”

Obama: “Oh Hello Dr. Singh. I am sorry I was just held up clearing the mess with the state department. If you recall the speech I made about the historical bonds and similarities between the great nations of USA and India, the text of that was  going to be sent out to the press with [insert country name here] instead of India. Evidently the dolt who took that template speech from our knowledge-base forgot to do a search-replace. Duh ! I am sorry to keep you waiting though..”

Dr. Singh: “President Obama, I think it is time we had some straight talk. It is one year since we were attacked by terrorists who were backed by the Pakistani administration. In that one year, the US government has taken upon itself to reward Pakistan with billions of dollars in aid, which we all know will be siphoned off for more 26/11 style operations. If that was not bad enough then when Indian intelligence came to question an US citizen by the name of Headley, an individual who had been planning to come to India for terror operations and is possibly a 26/11 mastermind, we were not allowed access and our intelligence officials were sent home after a week cooling their heels in Washington DC.”

Obama: “I am sorry Dr. Singh about that. Next time I will get someone to take them to see Lincoln Memorial and buy them lunch at Amma’s kitchen in Georgetown.”

Dr. Singh: ” That’s not the point President Obama. It is just that he US has not exerted any pressure on Pakistan. As a result, it has brazenly provided sanctuary for the perpetrators of 26/11 and allows them to walk free. Forget exerting pressure, the US has consistently backed Pakistan in its design of keeping India from having any influence in Afghanistan. All so that Pakistan continue operations against the Taliban, which we all know is as real as a Broadway musical.”

Obama: “I am sorry I have a call here on my Blackberry. Oh Hi Ashfaq..”

Bill Clinton (whispering): “Did he say assfu,…?”

Obama: [throwing poisonous glance at Clinton] “Yes General Kayani. Please please do not be upset. Yes I understand you were expecting 20 million dollars this week. No General. You cannot speak to my supervisor. I said I am sorry you will be getting it this Sunday. You do remember to use it for non-military purposes. Right? No General that does not mean you can buy satellite phones to be used by LET volunteers with it—-non-military means peaceful intent. Right? I can trust you—correct? Cross your heart and swear? Scout’s honor? Ok then ciao…”

Dr. Singh is about to speak when a man suddenly barges in to the conversation.

“Yo Dr. Singh, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Advani here had one of the best campaigns of all time. One of the best campaigns of all time”

Obama shouts: “Secret Service. Take this man away. I am sorry Dr. Singh this Kanye West guy is simply the biggest internal problem we in the US have. Yes you were saying”

Dr. Singh opens his mouth to speak.

Obama: ” Hold that thought Dr. Singh. My Blackberry again. Aawww just look at this. Would you believe it Dr. Singh I added Pervez Musharaff on Facebook last week and he just overflows me with status messages and updates. I find this most irritating and inconsiderate. Just look at his status message.

The Jihadi General needs your help in Mob Wars to whack an Indian.

Ilyas Kashmiri and 7320,0000 Pakistanis like this

And as we speak, look another status message.

Pervez Musharaff would like to be your neighbor in Farmville

Hah ! This one I am definitely rejecting. The last thing I would want is for this guy to be my neighbor.

Wait. Wait. Now I feel bad for rejecting that offer. Let me compensate

Obama sent Jihadi General a Health Pack in Mobsters

See Dr. Singh. I didnt send him a Winchester rifle or a hand grenade as a free gift but just something very non-military and positive—like Health. This is essentially our philosophy for aiding Pakistan.”

Dr. Singh: “But then they use the Health Pack to replenish the health that was exhausted after “whacking an Indian” so that they may go and whack another.”

Obama: “Well that we do not know. Or have no proof.  Or that is not our problem.”

Dr. Singh (trying another track): “China has become increasingly aggressive against India. That they have been arming Pakistan and creating military bases around India we knew for long. But of late, they have stepped up their provocations by showing Arunachal Pradesh as not belonging to India in their maps and protesting the Dalai Lama’s internal movements in India.

The US attitude towards China has puzzled us ever since you took over as President. For instance, you started out by not meeting with Dalai Lama so as to not make China unhappy…”

Obama: “By the way, why should I meet Dalai Lama? I don’t meet everybody who wants to meet me..”

Dr. Singh: “Well for one he is a Nobel Peace prize winner.”

Obama: “So? Every Tom-Dick and Harry has one of those.”

Dr. Singh: “Mm…Ok. And when you visited China, you essentially endorsed China’s hegemonic designs  in the region calling on them to be a party to the India-Pakistan dispute, knowing full well that China and Pakistan are already firmly in bed and the joint statement cannot be seen as anything but a stinging diplomatic slap on India . I am surprised and saddened at not just how your administration has been pressurizing us once again to sign the CTBT but playing footsie with all of India’s enemies…”

Dr. Singh notices that Obama is once again pre-occupied on his Blackberry.

“Whoa. Dr. Singh hear this out. Just now Hu Jintao sent me a message and what a co-incidence —-it is about India.”

Dr. Singh (panicky): “What? Has China crossed the Indian border?”

Obama: ” No no no. Just an intelligence report from the Chinese. God they have eyes and ears everywhere. It says that in Raj Kundra and Shilpa Shetty’s marriage, the family stopped the band from playing Akshay Kumar songs. Can you believe that? By the way Hu says Ni Hao to you. And tells you to get an oil change for your car as it has been 161 days and 11 hours since you last got one. God they do know everything don’t they?”

Dr. Singh (exasperated) : “Did you hear a word of what I said so far?”

Obama:  “Ok Dr. Singh. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was this Dad who had  three sons.

The eldest son earned a lot and was the true breadwinner, paying a sizeable sum so that Dad can pay his health bill, buy clothes and in general live his life. Dad, knowing that he was totally dependent on the eldest, would scold him from time to time but essentially would let him do what he wanted to if for nothing else than for self-preservation.

The youngest son was wild, debauched and an absolute criminal. He lived off on Dad’s and the eldest son’s charity and yet wanted more. If he did not get what he wanted, he threatened to set the house on fire. Hence he had to be paid off.

The middle son didnt earn as much as the eldest and was peaceful, tranquil and positively sheepish. Hence he neither commanded nuisance value nor actual value.Sometimes Dad, in a gesture of supreme tokenism, would throw a party “in his honor” but that was it.”

Dr. Singh: “Hmm…So USA is the Dad….”

Obama: “Yes Dr. Singh. I know you can figure this one out. Now if you will excuse me,  Michelle needs a foot massage and I really should get going. It was a pleasure talking to you and sharing the values of our great democracies and re-inforcing the bonds that have held together the peoples of these two mighty lands.

Thank you.”