Category Archives: Mithunda

Kabhi Aage Kabhi Peeche—the Review

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[Warning: Long post]

Taran Adarsh, India’s greatest movie reviewer EVER fires a salvo at those whom he dubs “pseudo journos with zero knowledge of film-making and business”.

Which I think includes me.(blogger=pseudo-journo)

Now KABHI ALVIDA NAA KEHNA faces the flak. So what’s new? Nothing. It’s the same old story. The moment a big film hits the screens, a section of the film industry [also include some pseudo journos with zero knowledge of film-making and business] has a constipated look on their faces. Text messages degrading the film fly left, right and centre. ‘It wouldn’t sustain beyond Friday’, ‘Bakwas hain’, ‘The director has lost it’, ‘Paisa kamaya, par reputation khatam’ Haven’t we heard all this and more [the nastiest of talk] before? Let’s not forget, a tree which bears fruits is always stoned. Jo hain naamwala, wohi to badnaam hain.

Indeed. He exhorts:

Why are we so skeptical when it comes to embracing bold themes? Why should Hindi cinema be confined to those three/four stories that are as old as the hills? Why shouldn’t we welcome changes?

So here’s a pseudo-journo’s challenge to Mr. Adarsh. I am going to review KABHI AAGE KAABHI PEECHE — a movie which only I have seen as of yet and which will be released to the general public during Deewali. I am going to try to review it using a style heavily internalized from the great Mr. Adarsh. (Kindly refer here for the gold standard).

The question is: ” Can there be a “bolder” movie than the one below? Are the Indian audiences mature enough for this?”

Read on. And try to find the answers.

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Da Vinci Da Gupt Katha

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An RTDM exclusive. Remember you heard this here first. I was one of the privileged few that sat through the premier of ” Da Vinci Da Gupt Katha” at the Dannes (pronounced Daance as in Disco Daance) festival held every year at Ooty—-and in a word (okay two words) —it rocked.

Mithun Chakraborty, the greatest actor alive, plays Krishnan Iyer, Ph.D. No he is not the nariyel paani wala from Agneepath but a professor of symbiology at Lund University. The movie opens with Krishnan Iyer delivering a lecture to the brightest students of the world in Paris explaining the origin of the symbol “420″.

At the same time, the curator of the Louvre museum, Kamana (Rakhi Sawant) is being shot (using a gun that is) by a mysterious albino assailant (Bob Cristo) who keeps on whispering “Main Hindoostan ki tubahi kar doonga”. He walks away strangely without finishing the act —- leaving the voluptuous curator three-quarters dead. Knowing she has only a few minutes to live, Ms. Sawant’s character starts stripping in super slow motion—desperate to send a message to the only man who understands nudity, now that Raj Kapoor is dead.

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Mithun Impossible 3

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Mithun-da’s “Agniputra” had a climactic scene in which Mithun-da’s mother rises from the funeral pyre and dispatches the gloating villains to kingdom come with amazing shaolin moves, then takes off her “mask” and reveals herself to be actually Mithun-da himself.

Thus was born the central thesis of the “Mission Impossible” series of movies where one can seamlessly transition from one person to another by just wearing a mask—Mithunda can become Mithun-da’s mother (everything other than the face is obviously the same), Tom Cruise can become Phillip Seymour Hoffman (an act of modification as sensational as the one from Mithun-da to his mother) and hopefully I can become Hrittik Roshan.

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Excuses Excuses

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I have nothing but the greatest contempt for ungrateful people who try to cover up their own miserable failings by blaming everyone but themselves.

Case in point: Kalpana Lajmi.

She directs “Chingari”—or perhaps “directed” is too charitable a term to use when someone creates a celluloid monstrosity on this scale. Even a bloated corpse with a megaphone could have done better.

And then in an [link courtesy: Amit Pandeya] interview to Subhash Jha (who along with Taran Adarsh can be considered to be the “movie reviewer from hell”) , she blames virtually everyone on the sets for the sorry debacle of “Chingari” except herself and Sushmita Sen—the two people who are actually responsible for the sorry mess.

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Chingari–The Review

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Kanti Shah and TLV Prasad, two of the masters of the craft of celluloid, have stiff competition.

There’s a new camera-slinger in town. And she is taking no prisoners.

Say hello to my not-so-leetel friend—Kalpana Lajmi who delivers an M-class (Mithun) movie with “Chingari”.

It is not an exaggeration to say that the whole of India was awaiting “Chingari” with bated breath. After all this was the movie where Mithun-da allegedly inappropriately touched Sushmita’s appendages during a rape scene. This was also the movie where the hero, Anuj Sawhney claimed that Sushmita sexually harassed him by intentionally messing up her love scenes a record 36 times so as to repeat the intimate sequences again and again.

And would you believe that the actual culprit behind the rumours was none other than the movie producer Vikas Sahni who thought he could recover some money by spreading such spicy canards?

Frankly I was a bit apprehensive about the movie—would Kalpana Lajmi, the uber-feminist be able to bring out Mithun-da’s true potential, honed through acting with some of the most noted anti-feminists in world cinema like Kanti Shah ( whose dialogue from “Loha”: ” Chatri hoti hain kholne ke liye, chadar hoti hain udne ke liye aur chokhri hoti hain cherne ke liye” led to worldwide protests from bra-burners)?

But now I can tell you the answer: Yes.

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Classic Dance of Love—the Review

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The movie of the year. Hands down. Not just this year, the movie in question might very well rank among the top Indian celluloid classics ever made—maybe just a tad below Kanti Shah’s Tarantino-esque epic “Gunda” but then again just a tad.

The movie’s name is “Classic Dance of Love” which brings together the trinity of creativity, the last survivors of the Nouvelle Vague (that’s Francais for New Wave—-not “vague” as in English) cinema that was originated by Truffaut, Goddard et al—–the trinity being B.Subhash, Bappi Lahiri and the Supreme Lord and God of all things—-Mithun Chakraborty. Just like Bhamha, Vishnu and Maheshwar’s creative forces led to the creation of Durga, so it is with “Classic Dance of Love”.

It is very difficult to write a review for this movie. How can one review the Mona Lisa or Beethoven’s seventh symphony or one’s first kiss? It’s just not possible but I am going to give it a try—taking the aid of pictures and text.

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Mithunism—-The Religion

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A buxom lady is going to have the shoulder of her blouse torn by a bunch of marauding ruffians. Suddenly, a bottle rolls on the ground and a Man enters the screen. The ruffians ask “Who are you?” In a voice that would make the blood of tigers run cold (old jungle proverb), He says:

“Dikhne me bewada, daudne me ghoda, aur maarne me hathoda hoon main“

The man. The legend. Mithun Chakraborty. Some call him Mithun-da, most call him Prabhuji.

Mithun-da is one of my idols. I will go even further and say He is my God. I believe in Him. And like any fanatic, I am extremely impatient with some people who laugh at Him, compare Him unfavorably to Amitabh and Shahrukh Khan just because He is supposedly “down market”. I think these people should rot in Hell with 72 virgins. 40 year old male virgins that is.

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