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I’ve lived a life that’s full, I’ve traveled each and evr’y highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way.

If there is anyone about whom about the lines above can be said, that person would be the Bhabhi.

Yes she did it her way. In many imaginative ways.

She gave salesman their rightful place in society. She helped neighborhood boys  score outside the cricket field. She gave a helpful hand to those that needed it. She put the group back into group discussion.

Veni. Vidi. Chi Chi.

We saw. We came. She conquered.

But no more.

The Bhabhi was brought to her knees today. And this time she will never get up again.

Yes. It is true. She is dead, laid low by the moral police and zaalim society. As we see for her for a “lust” time before the site is pulled down, there is sadness inside each of us.

Grieve not oh traveler. All is not lost. There will always be memories, many of which “rapidly shared”.

Along with several password protected files in unobtrusive directories like C:\Project Files\Oldproject\src\temp.

Go quietly Bhabhi. And don’t forget to turn off the light.

One time, we may think of it as an accident, as this video argues.

But then if it happens twice…..but me no butts.

And then all you can say in the man’s defense is: ” With a can like that, yes we CAN”.

As the world debates over whether Obama’s package has been stimulated or whether the newest wolf line will be “O Mama !Now that’s what I call a G8″ or whether Sarkozy’s continually amused fratboy expression tells its own “Main kutta hoon. Jawaani ko soonkh leta hoon” story, this incident illustrates the perils of ogling women, even with the subtle  “I am pretending to do something else” eyeball flick, the move which we Bongs call the “angular jhari”.

It all started when I came to know that Noddy telling Big Ears “Let’s have a gay time in the woods” did not mean that they were going for flowers a-plucking but possibly to do something that simply rhymes with plucking.

Barely had I recovered from that shock then I was told of the subtext in the dynamics of the relationship between my two favorite superheros—dynamic duo Batman and Robin. Suffice to say, there were many activities happening in the darkness of the batcave that Alfred “Penny(s)”worth kept hidden from the world.

Finally it was revealed by wise men that Prince Adam’s transformation from a pink-wearing softie to a muscle-bound confident “He-Man” was a metaphor for “coming out of the closet” and that the secret of Prince Adam, the one that the Sorceress and Man-At-Arms knew, was not the one we were led to assume.

In the middle, Dumbledore’s orientation was exposed but since I was never into the Harry Potter thing, I was least affected by that information.

Today I came to know that my boyhood hero Tintin, yes that tufty-haired inveterate reporter who closed down the Mafia in Chicago and made friends with the Yeti and fooled the Incas, has been “outed” by researchers [Link courtesy: Abhik Bhattacharya] Yes it’s true. If we are to believe the dossier of evidence, there was always something more than meets the eye behind Tintin and Captain Haddock living as a happy twosome in Marlinspike Hall as a couple (now I understand why Nestor always was listening in on the doors), of Tintin becoming so emotional for his Chinese “friend” Chang and of Thompson and Thomson with a “p” silent as in “gay” wearing colorfully exotic clothes when in disguise.

The cornerstone for the argument of the scholars is that neither Tintin nor Captain Haddock nor Rastapopulous ever had any female friends. Which implies they are all gay. And that implies that “Society of Sober Sailors” is a code-name for a group of men who follow the life-style and that Red Rackham’s Treasure has less to do with the treasure and more to do with the “ham”.

But by the logic that anyone who does not have female friends is necessarily fond of the same sex, all Indian men in engineering colleges would have to be gay. But wait. If you dream about women, then not to worry. You are straight. Which is why just because Asterix and Obelix dream of “long limbed beauties” [interesting possibly NSFW picture] they are not considered to be gay even though Obelix is frequently drawn with a phallic object called a “men”hir at his back.

Brilliant logic.

Now I wait, with trepidation, for the day when researchers analyze why Feluda, despite being so handsome and always carrying heat in his pocket, was never interested in any woman, why Lalmohan Babu was so interested in Feluda’s ” measurements” in Sonar Kella, what were the exact nature of the “experimentations” that female-company-bereft Professor Shonku conducted on his servant Pralhad, what was the exact nature of the relationship between Pelaram and Habul Sen and what where the nocturnal hobbies of Chacha Chowdhury’s rather queerly-dressed “man Friday” Sabu.

In misery after having a wisdom tooth extracted, there is nothing better that I can focus on (read that as take perverse pleasure in) than the misery of others .

Like Sonu Nigam’s misery. Last in the news for having been the subject of same-sex proposals from a Bollywood reviewer (not me), which resulted in what Sonu called “Sonu-spanking”, he was, a few months ago, forcibly kissed [image courtesy desihits] and also scratched by a female admirer in a manner reminiscent of the way Ricky Ponting was smooched by a man during a bat auction, an action that some believe led him to lose his cricketing Mo-Jo.

Of course, Zoom (isko dekho) suggests that the whole kissing incident may have been stage-managed [video link]—-as if Sonu Nigam needed to desperately show, for some reason, how much women love him. Needless to say, this accusation is totally false as can be evidenced by footage of Sonu Nigam that shows him distraught and terrified. And as all of us who have seen “Kaash..Aap Humare Hote” and “Jaani Dushman” know, Soni Kudi Nigam cannot act for his life.

As to Sonu Nigam, he coolly collects himself and modestly brushes away the incident thus:

Koi bhi artist jo accha kaam karta ho stage per woh stage par hota hain to ekdam spiritual huya hota hain us samay. And suddenly koi aake jaise woh Vishwamitra ki neendra ..meditation..ko kharap kar de koi waise koi baat ho jaati hain.

But Sonu is grateful that this Menaka was at least, biologically, a woman. Having just recently escaped from the attention of an obsessive man, he counts his blessings always.

Ladki thi to itna buda naheen lagta.

Not so lucky is this poor man. As if being in jail was not cause for misery, his travails were compounded after he was miserably cheated by Shah Rukh Khan’s endorsement of a talcum powder. First he was seduced by the advertisement which as reported by this blog goes thus:

The actor  (Shahrukh Khan) is then seen to be caressing himself in the bathroom with talcum powder telling us how he feels cool and efficient with its use.

Convinced about the efficacy of the powder, the poor man applied it on himself, did feel thanda thanda cool cool at first but then his body started itching and he felt a “burning sensation”.

I can see this poor man’s genuine grievance in front of the court being devastated by SRK’s attorneys when they shall possibly prove, using possibly doctored evidence, that the burning sensation he felt when he applied the powder might be due to “factors” other than the talcum powder.

Where is Ram Jethmalani and Nandita Haskar when you need them?

Finally completing this troika of misery is our poor old Aamir Sohail, famous for brandishing his willow at Venkatesh Prasad and for pronouncing bowlers as “bawlers”. He is unable to understand why despite the fact that Pakistan has fearlessly lead the war against terror, in the same efficient manner that Shoaib Malik has lead the Pakistan national team, none of the Western “allies” want to tour it.

What is happening in the country is basically the result of Pakistan leading this war against terror,” Sohail said. “We are paying for fighting it. Countries such as Australia and England are our allies in this war on terror, yet they are not supporting us here. Are we real allies or are we just being used?”

Yes indeed Aamir. Indeed so.

As the great Billu Badshah Clinton would say “I feel your pain”.

And that means new clothes, fireworks, gratuitous male nudity and of course controversy.

This year has been no different as families and friendships have split down the fault line of “Saawariya vs Om Shanti Om” as two of the biggest releases of the year hit the screens on the same day all across the country, competing for eyeballs in particular and balls in general. And if the battle between the two titanically iconic directors Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Farah Khan is not enough to satisfy the palate of the newshounds, this year the stakes are even higher because of THE controversy, the one that pundits are now referring to as “Towelgate”.

Towel main bahaar jaogi to halla mach jayega,
Kar dogi badnaam tum,
Karo naah aise kaam tum,
Tum ko aise dekhke har ek ladka sharmayega.

—Eena Meena Deeka

In 1994, Rishi Kapoor sung this above ditty admonishing the heroine Juhi Chawla for wearing just a towel in a public place. In a quirk of destiny (God does indeed have a sense of humor), in 2007 it is his son, famous “Dabba stealer” Ranbir Kapoor who is on the front pages of newspapers for creating a “halla” in a towel, doing a naughtier male version of Kajol’s “Mere Khawabon Mein Jo Aaye” and revealing his unclothed rear side. In the context of that scene from “Saawariya”, a national debate has erupted over “Should India see Ranbir dropping a towel” given that the censor board has decided that the general population needs to be protected from a naked male butt.

Needless to say, there has been an uproar about the curtailment in civil liberties that this scene-chopping has brought about with intellectuals of all political hues (except the Indian communists whose silence can be explained by the fact that they have not been able to figure out which side of the debate actually benefits the Chinese) and all sexual orientations strongly condemning the censor board for once again imposing their sense of morals on the country.

The argument against the ban is multi-pronged. Insiders have said that the removed scene was most artistic (not vulgar at all) [Sanjay Leela Bhansali did an amazing job of light and shade as the camera panned Ranbir's bottom , highlighting the curves and contrasting the fissures in a way that has made the greatest director alive today (Sanjay Leela Bhansali) comment: " I could not have done it better myself"] and the movie has become poorer as a result of the cut.

They also point out that the censor board has been much more liberal with male exposure and towels in the past—-sample this scene [video link] from “Suhaag” where man-meat Akshay Kumar, making no secret of what exactly Raveena Tandon, Nipunika, Ayesha Jhulka, Pooja Batra, Shilpa Shetty, Twinkle Khanna and assorted other nameless martyrs saw in him, wearing a skimpy thong underwear that would make a Chippendale male stripper turn red in the face, prances about and wipes himself with a towel. If this scene could get past the censor’s sharp blades, why not Ranbir’s JLo moment?

Koi jawaab hain tumhare paas?

The action of the censors seem even the more motivated when one looks at this picture of Shahrukh Khan, revealing his six-packs in “Om Shanti Om”, looking like a cross between a zombie of a Calvin Klein underwear model, Peter Andre and the “construction worker ” character of the iconic gay band “the Village People” . After all, if the censors are fine with 6 packs in the front, what is the problem with 2 packs at the back?

Of course there are some people who are sitting back, away from the raging debate, and enjoying the whole show—-whether it be wondering what’s keeping Ranbir’s towel up to what heat SRK is packing below those 6 packs. For these happy people it’s less about who keeps it up and who drops the ball but more about enjoying the magic of the male body.

And of course in keeping their personal phooljharis sparkling.

[Update: Taran Adarsh, that legendary reviewer has already given "Om Shanti Om" a "bums" up (Thanks Nishit for the link)

Cut the crap, cut the gyan-baazi, cut the will-it-won't-it work naatak. Shah Rukh Khan and Farah Khan's OM SHANTI OM is a true-blue masala entertainer

Feeling a strong sense of deja-vu at reading this line, trying to remember which of my past lives I had encountered such an opening, I alighted on a review of Dhoom 2.
written coincidentally, by a guy called (hold your breath) Taran Adarsh.

Cut the crap. Cut the gyan. Let's come to the point straightway: Is DHOOM 2 as big as its hype? Does it meet the monumental expectations? Or is it a gas balloon with a leak?

Yes, DHOOM 2 works big time and here's why.

We have been warned.
]

[Update 2: Again with a hat-tip to Nishit, we now have a first peek at India Cricket League's new uniforms. This is definitely going to be the gayest "akhil bharatiya gainnd balla pratiyogita". Ever.]

Urban Indians have one of the most exciting sex life in the world and are also the most open lovers in the world when it comes to talking to partners about sex, says a new global survey.

Almost three-quarters (74 per cent) of Indians surveyed are comfortable with telling their partners what they like in bed way above the global average of 58 per cent and the UK with just 49 per cent, says the Durex ‘Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey’.

Some people may find that surprising for a culture as supposedly sexually repressed as ours but not me. Indian couples are not at all shy in expressing what they want (and do not) in bed—after all if the “Noo Never…..mujhe kya tum waisi tarah ki ladki samajhti ho [Do you think I am that kind of a girl] and “Please not today, I have a headache” and “No no that’s not the place” aren’t expressions of honest , forthright and emphatic pillow talk then I wonder what is.

The survey further points out that two-third of Indians (68 per cent) think their love lives are exciting, a sharp contrast with 38 per cent for English lovers and 36 per cent for famed lovers in France. Moreover, 63 per cent of Indians say they have enough variety, compared with 47 per cent in the UK and just 9 per cent in Japan.

Verily, nothing makes me feel prouder than when we beat the French in matters of sensuality. Of course there will be some Pakistani ISI agents among us who will point out that the reason the dilettante Frenchmen are dissatisfied with their carnal lives is that, exposed as they are to all forms of sexual experiences from their teens , they very soon have no more worlds to conquer, everything becomes “been there done that” and the act of coupling becomes as predictable as “Yeh Akaashvani hain”.

This is in sharp contrast to most of us Indians, who brought up on a diet of wet saris and Sun TV Midnight Masala on mute, get all excited even when we get an Archies musical gift card that plays the theme of Titanic. In other words, the dissatisfaction among the Gauls is not because they do not have variety—rather they have too much of it. While we have so little that we are happy with whatever we can get our hands on.

I don’t agree with this line of reasoning however. After all, if the French have their menage a trois and their orgies we also have our patented “desi party” train dance—so there !

The survey also tells us that

“Indian bedrooms are the scenes of a range of antics for some, with sensual massage (55 per cent), sexual fantasies (58 per cent) and looking at erotic materials (55 per cent) at the top of the menu. More than a third of Indians also love to include role play (37 per cent) and wearing sexy underwear (34 per cent).

Nothing new here of course. Sensual massage of hair with coconut oil/Champi tel has always been an old favorite for many of us , sexual fantasies/role play implies running round the bedpost singing “Janum Jaanejaan”, looking at erotic materials is nothing but reading Times of India together in bed and as for erotic underwear— Rupa Baniyan’s “Yeh andaar ki baat hain”, in case you did not notice, is an obvious Indianization of Victoria’s “secret”.[Look at this Amul Macho ad for yet another example of how erotic lingerie has become a part of the daily life of the common Indian woman.]

Indian men have averaged six lovers and women have averaged two, while in the UK the figures are 16 and 10 respectively. Globally men, on average, have 13 partners and women have seven.

It’s times like these I feel I have let the country down. Had it not been for me, the average of “lovers for Indian men” would have been seven—I confess that I single-handedly lowered the national average.

Here again some naysayers opine, based on the sheer profusion of desperate “fransip” requests sent out by urban males to anyone who has “female” on their Orkut profiles, that the number six is a bit on the high side , a discrepancy that may be explained by a very “loose” definition of “lover” in the survey because of which some men may have counted Madhuri Dixit and even their hands (both left and right) in their list. Others however just put this down to the proclivity of Indian men to slightly exaggerate when it comes to counting their conquests.

I however have no such doubts as for me the results of the Durex sex survey are beyond question, occupying a position of reliability and authenticity somewhere between the results of a Pakistani election and an Indian politician’s declaration of assets.

Austin Powers (Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, 1997):

“Yeah, and I can’t believe Liberace (picture to left) was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn’t see that one coming.”

The uneasy peace between Bollywood and the press was shattered as Sonu Nigam, in a shocking open letter accused a prominent Bollywood gossip columnist/movie reviewer, S. Jha of having propositioned him for some homosexual play-back.

In what was first a Zee News exclusive, Sonu Nigam spilled a “dirty can of worms” (as the article goes) detailing how the said journalist used to leave lewd homosexual SMSes on Sonu’s phone. Even though Sonu tried convincing Jha that he was not a “villager” (I presume he meant not the Village People, the band that gave the world the gay anthem “YMCA” ) and that he had many girlfriends, Jha would not take no for an answer.

And then like a man scorned, Jha took to, what has been described by Mr. Nigam as retaliatory Sonu-spanking (“I leave in your worthy hands the task of presenting my case in front of the world who is witnessing Sonu-spanking for last 3 months“), using the power of his powerful pen to launch a rear-attack on Sonu, all the while aiming to bring the singer down on his knees through the massaging of arch-rival Himesh Reshammiya’s (as Jha writes: ” Those critics who have slammed Himesh’s acting debut calling him everything from wooden to wouldn’t (I think the range of adjectives describing his alleged non-performance covered a far larger than spectrum than the performance itself) are living in a fool’s paradise“) ego.

Though I have to accept, why anyone in the world would even think that Sonu would be interested in men is beyond my comprehension.

Sonu has evidently saved the obscene SMSs and will reveal them to the public, if needed. I sincerely hope that they are not lines from his songs like “Churiyan banti hain dookanon main, joriyan upar asmaanon main” or “Abh mujhe raat din tera hi khayal hain, kya kahoon pyar main deewanon jaise haal hain”. Because if they are, Mr. Jha can claim that he was merely applauding Sonu’s art, even though taken in isolation they do appear sinister. Truth be told, when Jha praised Sonu’s acting performance in “Love in Nepal” surely Sonu should have guessed by then that Jha was being as truthfully objective as a husband is when he tells his wife “You were the prettiest woman at the party tonight” which in turn should have led Sonu to question “Why?”

It was interesting to see the Bollywood fraternity firmly behind Sonu with Abhijeet and the “wannabe Himesh” Ismail Durbar coming out against Jha. But leave it to Shakti Kapoor to put things in context. In IBN7, the Lolittaaaa man went on record saying that if such vulgar propositions are being made to a senior artist like Sonu Nigam, imagine how hard it must be for small stars. Exactly. And who better to tell us this than Shakti Kapoor !

Like on most matters of national importance, Rakhi Sawant also pitched in with her opinion when she advised Sonu to take this man-love as a compliment (as Rakhi herself is comfortable with all the ribald compliments she is flooded with everyday) and an endorsement of his dreamy quotient, which is now so strong that it affects even men. According to Rakhi, as long as it is not bulls who are running after you lustily, there is nothing to worry. [ She said something on the lines of "Insaan naheen to kya saand piche padenge"]

Notwithstanding what the Sawant says, we here at RTDM fully understand that it is difficult to take Sonu-spanking for three months. So let us finish this post with some lines of a Sonu Nigam song which expresses our support for Sonu in these times of distress.

Bhanwre tumko sab chhedenge,
Phoolon mein mat jaana
Maddham maddham hans de phir se
Sona(u) sona(u) phir se hans de

Two new stars were born in the Mallu porn industry today as pictures of BJP MLA (MLA as in Married Lecherous Aadmi) Renukacharya , a sinister genetic cross between Renuka Chowdhury and Govindacharya, paying lip service to a buxom constituent was released to the public, sending a clear message to Shakeela and her army of moustachioed, undie-clad male consorts that there is a new show in town.

A few PILs may be filed for obscenity and demands for issuance of non-bailable warrants made by our moral guardians.

For once, I am with them.

When I sing “Nanhe Munhe Bacche Teri Mutthi Main Kya Hain?” (Innocent Kiddie, what’s in your hand?”) and our innocent kiddies wink back and show us contraceptives (thanks to what they have learnt in school)………….well that my friends would be the end of civilization as I know it.

Well now it is time to take back our heritage from these titillated tykes. In a development that gladdens my heart, the governments of Maharashtra and Karnataka and Madhya Pradesh have disallowed sex education in their schools thus taking a stance against the tide of decadence that seeks to sweep the nation.

Sex education in schools ! What is the world coming to? Soon children will definitively know that little brother was not picked up from a temple, that auto-manipulation will not make them go blind and that they should not get close to that uncle who insists on exploring them as they sit on his knee.

Needless to say, such knowledge cannot be allowed.

After all they should grow up, as we grew up. With shame, guilt and ignorance, where the closest we came to formally knowing about birds and bees was the two pages detailing the reproductive system of a toad that was followed by a page about the human reproductive system, which was not taught in class and was kept out of syllabus (Such was the case in West Bengal Secondary when I was a kid). Needless to say, there was a reason for why the toad was chosen — after seeing the internals of the toad’s reproductive system, you would want to stay celibate for life.

Some people tell me that one of the aims of sex education is to inform students about AIDs and STDs. Why they need to learn about AIDS in schools is something I do not understand. They should just be told that AIDs is a dirty disease —like diarrhoea. And that good kids are not supposed to know or talk about it. Then they can discuss, in hushed whispers, whether AIDs could be transmitted by kissing or through touching or through mosquito bites.

Just like we did. But we belonged to the age of innocence. Wonderful it was. I remember a few of my friends arguing,after seeing ads about “flavoured” condoms on TV, whether naughty macho men (we understood condoms were for people doing dirty things) chew it like gum while performing the act (of which most of us had a very vague idea).

And now? These newfangled kids are being taught contraception and what not. In schools. Just like we were taught the length of the Nile. And the value of Pi.

The most alarming thing is that, according to some, these are not being taught in a medical, boring style, with the same detached monotonicity with which our work education sir used to teach us how the screw goes into the nut, our biology “aunty” used to inform us of aerobic organisms and our physics sir used to teach us about capacitors discharging.

As Mr.U.R.Rao (Side PJ: When you refer to him he is “U.R.” Rao and when he speaks he is “I.M.’ Rao) says:

Rao said his problem was with the fact that the illustrations and graphics in the textbook are unnecessarily erotic.

“I have gone through the text. It is supposed to be prepared on the advise of WHO, but I don’t think WHO or anybody would have said anything about what should be written. But it is very explicit and the drawings are horrible. It talks about the actually enactment,” he said.

[In the video, and this is not in the transcript, U.R.Rao also objects to 'group' discussion]

Enactment? Such has been the moral derailment of our generation that instead of dissecting a toad and preparing a N/10 acid solution, students are doing practicals in sex through “enactment” and role-playing. And without any workbook even !

Vidya Chauhan, a sagacious NCP activist puts the crisis in plain words: (this quotation taken from the ones in this video)

Children will become curious. Nobody will want to study history, geography or math.They will want only sex education.

Yes we know. Students will be saying proudly: “Loveology main first, baki sab main fail. Maine bas sikha hain karna dil se dil ka mel”. A generation of demented souls will come out of the education system, with no life skills other than that of holding hands and going ‘Hush-a Hush-a we all ‘go down’”.

Vidya Chauhan is not alone in her realization. SIMI, that great bulwark of the nation’s territorial and moral integrity says truly:

Sex education does not encourage good moral behaviour. It encourages AIDs.

And in a very smart analogy with terrorism (as an aside I often wonder why every mention of SIMI is always followed by the word ‘terrorism’), Pratibha Naithani, Principal, St.Xavier’s College says:

If you are telling children about terrorism,you do not actually teach them how to hold a weapon and face a terrorist. So in this sexual education program, why should they use a condom?

Echoing her words is Mulayam Singh Yadav’s basic education minister:

Nanhe munhe bacchon ko condom sikhana hain?

And again the main point, articulated with great skill here.

Reacting to the proposal, Karnataka Education Minister Basavaraj Horatti says, “In today’s world, we need moral education and not sex education.”

“Sex education as a subject was to be introduced in schools to create AIDS awareness. But, school-going children are too young to contract the disease. It will unnecessarily affected their tender minds,” he claims.

You can just see how Basavaraj Horatti is a product of more innocent times from the line in bold.

Of course, some deluded fools try to rationalize this condomization of the nation by saying that in an age when school students are exposed 24/7 to the onslaught of the hyper-sexed media, not teaching them how to wear a condom properly wont dissuade them from sexual experimentation but will just result in the engaging in of sexual behaviour without the knowledge of proper precautions. Something that has been known to have disastrous consequences. In other words, sex education does not make school-children licentious, but provides them the opportunity to make informed choices, free of myths and misconceptions.

This is echoed by imperial organizations like the WHO when they say:

Early sexual education delays the start of sexual activity, reduces sexual activity among young people and encourages safer sex.

But WHO cares?

So what should students learn instead ? Shivraj Singh Chouhan, CM, Madhya Pradesh has the answer.

We don’t need sex education. We need yoga.

Yes we really do need to do that. Just as we need to bury our head in the sands of denial and hope the pervasive horniness just blows away.