[With new updates]

1. Rajanikanth: Eternal favorite. Here is one person who everyone in India, North or South, can agree is awesome. With Rajani, we won’t need Inter continental Ballistic Missiles. He will point his finger and Helsinki will be obliterated in a second. Why just Helsinki? If he twirls his goggles, the shock waves of that act will travel light-years and rip off the testicles  of the Klingon commander in Argelius V. Only he can tell China “I will do what I say. I will also do what I don’t say”, which is guaranteed to put  the fear of God in those Godless Commies. The fear of Rajani more precisely.

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Reporting live from the Jawanipur Cliterature Fest—- Into its sixty-ninth edition, this the largest convention of adult media lovers, has had its biggest year yet. And no I am not referring to the orgasmic frenzy triggered by the arrival of Oooh-aaah, one of the biggest adult stars of the world who spectacularly announced at the fest grounds that his life has been like the Qutb Minar. Nor am I referring to the massive numbers who have thronged and thong-ed the venue. I am talking instead about the huge controversy that has blown everyone away—what the press are calling now  L’affair Savita Bhabhi.

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Like love, it is difficult to define wannabeness. You just know when you see it. Like when beefcake Akashdeep Saigal, of Big Boss, insists that he be called SkyWalkR. Like when Sreesanth speaks with an accent on Love2HateU but another, the real one, comes out from time to time, like a torn Lux baniyaan strap peeping out from behind that Louis Vuitton.

This brainless, thoughtless me-too-ness with aspersions of coolness—-ooh the humanity.

Yes I know I am sounding like one of those old men who sit on park benches and rail against the world.

I understand that perhaps wearing trousers in place of dhotis was considered wannabeness once upon a time.

I also remember that when I was in high school, the legendary Anjan-Babu of South Point High School made me rap in the staff-room, dubbing me “The Baba” because I had publicly announced my admiration for Baba Sehgal, something considered then to be the height of wannabeness.

And finally I consider myself a progressive person who understands the inevitability of the proverbial generation gap.

But despite it all, some things, some things, just still keep grating away at me like nails on chalk.

So here they are—the wannabe, most infuriating trends of the year. Agree with me. Or I will poke you in the eye with my Mahendra Lal Dutt black umbrella.

Cause you are in my corner of the park.

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[An abridged version of this post appeared in the Times of India, August 14th 2011 issue]

Grandpa: That the Boy Prince would ascend the throne and take his place in the Line of Gandhars had been prophesied ever since the Young King, his father, fell to an assassin from the Deep South Lands.

Little Girl: Ohh the Line of Gandhars? You told me about them before.

Grandpa: Yes I have little one. Remember The Rose Monarch who started the line of Gandhars and the Iron Empress, his daughter, in front of whom all enemies trembled, the mother of the Young King?

Little Girl: Yes yes I love their stories. But tell me, being the Prince, he should have ascended the throne right after his father’s death right?

Grandpa: Yes he should have. But the Wise Men of the Hand, a secret cabal of powerful nobles, were of the opinion that The Boy Prince was not yet ready to rule. He was too young and there were enemies all around. They decided to let the Queen Mother rule in his place, till he was able to take what was rightfully his. But there was a problem with her ascending the throne.

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Sarah Palin:  I am so glad to be in India meeting all of you newspaper-dudes. Thanks first of all to the India Today group for ponying up USD 100K for my speaker fees and for footing the bill for the 7 star treatment. It is truly a great testament to the intellectual riches available in your country that you had to invite good ole soccer mum me.

I am truly honored to be at a place where luminaries like General Musharaff have spoken before.

(Turning to her aide: “Was he the guy who tried to hit on me?” Whispering aide: No madam, that was another Pakistani– Zardari. Palin: Wait, who is that? Aide [giving up in exasperation]: Yes sorry, forget what I said—it was the same guy.)

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So all of a sudden, all our Zodiac signs have changed. So, all you Scorpios, proud of being dangerous and sexy, guess what. You were as bland as a Libra. As astrology-conscious people realize that perhaps their  “Hum baane tum baane ek dujje ke liye” was based on wrong facts and that the stars may not be as reliable as they thought they were , many are offended and puzzled. So we asked several people as to who they think is behind this sinister attempt to break up marriages, who it is that had fundamentally changed our astral identities.

Diggy: It was the RSS. Why just now Linda Goodman called me and said..What you don’t believe me? Records? You mean you want my sun-charts? I have them. You mean her call-records? Wait give me a few days, need to make them up…..

Rediff Commentator 1: PORKI.

Rediff Commentator 2: North-Indians.

Rediff Commentator 3: This comment is awaiting moderator approval.

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If this year hasnt been depressing enough with corruption in every branch of the government, the final pin-prick on the boil is the news that Karan Johar is going to re-make Agneepath. I get it. Since mainstream Bollywood has evidently run out of ideas, they have now taken to recycling old hits. Now I didn’t so much mind when they took “Jab Jab Phool Khile” and made it into the equally mushy Raja Hindustani but, especially after what happened to Sholay, can we please keep classics like “Agneepath” out of the clutches of today’s mainstream directors? Especially a movie like Agneepath, a testosterone-driven celluloid epic for real men (the kind who kept their chest-hair un-shaved and didn’t do their eyebrows in a beauty parlor) from directors like Karan Johar? Forgive me for being paranoid, but I am just afraid that his re-imagination of Agneepath will be the cinematic equivalent of taking an AK47,  painting it pink and inserting a red rose in its muzzle.

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[This post is a contextual one, relevant only in the light of recent events]

Welcome to Handy TV–Din Raat Chalta Hai. This is Rukhi Sawant and we are here to speak about the recently aired Laundiya tapes in which Bhakti Kapoor was apparently recorded talking to an aspiring actress in his hotel room. We also speak in general about casting ethics.

This program is totally unedited, just like the Assmit-Ria MMS. We at Handy-TV are known never to involve ourselves in cover-ups.

Our panel consists of eminent personalities Shining Ahuja, and Prabhuji the editor of “Rakhta Hoon Main Khulla” magazine which first carried the transcripts of the Laundiya Tapes. And of course Mr. Bhakti Kapoor. Our show is being taped right in his living room and carried to you live.

First we will play the video tape.

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