The Battle Clouds Loometh


[Read first part here] {Continued from an old post “The Boy Prince Holdeth the Great Sword”}

Little Girl: Dadu, tell me more of the story of the Boy Prince from the House of Gandhars.

Grandpa: Be off, little girl, I am watching MTV Roadies.

Little Girl: Aww Dadu, tell tell. Else I will tell Dadi of the jalebis you have at the store down the corner, while pretending to be out on your morning walk.

Grandpa: Pesky twerp. So where was I?

Little Girl: The Boy Prince had been given the Great Sword. Was he made the King now? Did he lead his forces into battle against the Orange Knights?

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NRI Desi Facts



1. If you see an NRI (Non-Resident Indian-Immigrant) Desi smiling at you at Sabzi Mandi, be sure he is either an insurance agent or selling Amway.

2. The sophisticated NRI Desi shops at Target and sneers at desis who shop at Walmart. The uber-sophisticated NRI Desi shops clearance at Macy’s and sneers at desis who shop at Target and Walmart.

3. The NRI Desi buys a ticket for a movie at AMC. Treats it as an all-day pass.

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Some Presidential Candidates I Would Like To See


[With new updates]

1. Rajanikanth: Eternal favorite. Here is one person who everyone in India, North or South, can agree is awesome. With Rajani, we won’t need Inter continental Ballistic Missiles. He will point his finger and Helsinki will be obliterated in a second. Why just Helsinki? If he twirls his goggles, the shock waves of that act will travel light-years and rip off the testicles  of the Klingon commander in Argelius V. Only he can tell China “I will do what I say. I will also do what I don’t say”, which is guaranteed to put  the fear of God in those Godless Commies. The fear of Rajani more precisely.

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Lord of The Twits: 100 Followers in 10 Days


[Crossposted from my Outlook article here on strategies for increasing Twitter followers]

Start off by tweets that contain words like “Justin Beiber”, “IPod” and you will find an army of bots (automated spam followers) attaching like ants over a lump of sugar. Bots are some of the best followers—they swell your numbers, do not snap back and put the faces of celebrities as profile pictures so that you can delude yourself into thinking, even if for a split second, that Megan Fox is following you.

On the topic of profile pictures, here is an important tip. If you are a woman, please include a “hot” picture of yourself. It does not have to be revealing (although some tasteful cleavage can sometimes go a long way) but something that is both seductive as well as mysterious, like an eye or a glistening red lip, framed in shadows. A bare ankle (with anklet) or the back of the neck can do wonders.

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The JawaniPur Fest


Reporting live from the Jawanipur Cliterature Fest—- Into its sixty-ninth edition, this the largest convention of adult media lovers, has had its biggest year yet. And no I am not referring to the orgasmic frenzy triggered by the arrival of Oooh-aaah, one of the biggest adult stars of the world who spectacularly announced at the fest grounds that his life has been like the Qutb Minar. Nor am I referring to the massive numbers who have thronged and thong-ed the venue. I am talking instead about the huge controversy that has blown everyone away—what the press are calling now  L’affair Savita Bhabhi.

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The Wannabe Trends of 2011


Like love, it is difficult to define wannabeness. You just know when you see it. Like when beefcake Akashdeep Saigal, of Big Boss, insists that he be called SkyWalkR. Like when Sreesanth speaks with an accent on Love2HateU but another, the real one, comes out from time to time, like a torn Lux baniyaan strap peeping out from behind that Louis Vuitton.

This brainless, thoughtless me-too-ness with aspersions of coolness—-ooh the humanity.

Yes I know I am sounding like one of those old men who sit on park benches and rail against the world.

I understand that perhaps wearing trousers in place of dhotis was considered wannabeness once upon a time.

I also remember that when I was in high school, the legendary Anjan-Babu of South Point High School made me rap in the staff-room, dubbing me “The Baba” because I had publicly announced my admiration for Baba Sehgal, something considered then to be the height of wannabeness.

And finally I consider myself a progressive person who understands the inevitability of the proverbial generation gap.

But despite it all, some things, some things, just still keep grating away at me like nails on chalk.

So here they are—the wannabe, most infuriating trends of the year. Agree with me. Or I will poke you in the eye with my Mahendra Lal Dutt black umbrella.

Cause you are in my corner of the park.

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The Boy Prince Holdeth the Great Sword


[An abridged version of this post appeared in the Times of India, August 14th 2011 issue]

Grandpa: That the Boy Prince would ascend the throne and take his place in the Line of Gandhars had been prophesied ever since the Young King, his father, fell to an assassin from the Deep South Lands.

Little Girl: Ohh the Line of Gandhars? You told me about them before.

Grandpa: Yes I have little one. Remember The Rose Monarch who started the line of Gandhars and the Iron Empress, his daughter, in front of whom all enemies trembled, the mother of the Young King?

Little Girl: Yes yes I love their stories. But tell me, being the Prince, he should have ascended the throne right after his father’s death right?

Grandpa: Yes he should have. But the Wise Men of the Hand, a secret cabal of powerful nobles, were of the opinion that The Boy Prince was not yet ready to rule. He was too young and there were enemies all around. They decided to let the Queen Mother rule in his place, till he was able to take what was rightfully his. But there was a problem with her ascending the throne.

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Walking With The Men In Blue


I was expecting an article from my favorite Goddess of Overbloated Things, Ms. Roy on India’s triumph in the World Cup. Since I presume she has not written one yet, let me write it for her. This is *a parody* and does not purport to be written by Ms. Roy. It is also considerably shorter than her 25-page rantings.


Rudyard Kipling, that endearing old-world colonialist, once called cricket a game of  “flanneled fools”. They don’t wear flannels any longer though, favoring tacky, garish uniforms made glossy by shining droplets of sweat from the foreheads of those who made them, in Mexico or closer home in Dhaka. What still remains are fools, namely those who believe they are watching a gentle competition between bat and ball and not a few hours of vacuous manufactured reality, whose raison d’etre is to serve as an orgiastic assertion of  India’s overwhelmingly Hindu middle class’s hyper-nationalistic vanity.

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Kya Sarah Sarah


Sarah Palin:  I am so glad to be in India meeting all of you newspaper-dudes. Thanks first of all to the India Today group for ponying up USD 100K for my speaker fees and for footing the bill for the 7 star treatment. It is truly a great testament to the intellectual riches available in your country that you had to invite good ole soccer mum me.

I am truly honored to be at a place where luminaries like General Musharaff have spoken before.

(Turning to her aide: “Was he the guy who tried to hit on me?” Whispering aide: No madam, that was another Pakistani– Zardari. Palin: Wait, who is that? Aide [giving up in exasperation]: Yes sorry, forget what I said—it was the same guy.)

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So all of a sudden, all our Zodiac signs have changed. So, all you Scorpios, proud of being dangerous and sexy, guess what. You were as bland as a Libra. As astrology-conscious people realize that perhaps their  “Hum baane tum baane ek dujje ke liye” was based on wrong facts and that the stars may not be as reliable as they thought they were , many are offended and puzzled. So we asked several people as to who they think is behind this sinister attempt to break up marriages, who it is that had fundamentally changed our astral identities.

Diggy: It was the RSS. Why just now Linda Goodman called me and said..What you don’t believe me? Records? You mean you want my sun-charts? I have them. You mean her call-records? Wait give me a few days, need to make them up…..

Rediff Commentator 1: PORKI.

Rediff Commentator 2: North-Indians.

Rediff Commentator 3: This comment is awaiting moderator approval.

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