Suave as Danny Ocean. Wild as the boys of Hangover. Seductively heartless as Ace Rothstein in Casino.

There may be better gambling holes around the world. Debauchery may be more debauched elsewhere. But, make no mistake there is only one “Sin City”.

And sin sells.

No matter what your opinions about Vegas, there is one thing you just have to admire—–the way it has used popular culture, from Elvis and Sinatra to Clooney and Copperfield, to create a mystique around itself.

Brand managers, watch and learn.

Like all iconic products, Vegas does provoke extreme reactions. Many put their life savings at the poker table or stuff it all in the thongs of a stripper. (I have personally seen a devotee being removed in a stretcher from the slot machines, in the throes of a cardiac arrest.) And then there are others who hate it with a passion—”There is nothing to see!”

Absolutely right. There is nothing to see, unless you find over-the-top garishness of the hotels—- the well-fed lions of MGM Grand, the artificial volcano at the Mirage (the music provided by Zakir Hussain and Grateful Dead drummer Mickey Hart), the fountains of the Bellagio and the rather childishly “adult” pirates show at Treasure Island endlessly fascinating.

There is however everything to do. Yes you do not visit Vegas. You do it.

One way of doing Vegas is as the genuine high-roller. Put a million at the poker table. Check into a 40,000 dollar suite. Butler, personal gourmet chef, a basketball court, a bowling alley, rotating beds with mirrors on the ceiling, a dance floor, a swimming pool, a champagne bath—any opulence you can dream of, Vegas has put it in your room.

But of course unless you are a professional Indian politician, you don’t have that much to spread around. So what to do then? Well this is where Vegas is so great. It allows you to live the fantasy, getting you as close to the life of a Heff, a Timberlake, a P Daddy as you could ever get, on a light wallet. But for that, you need to play your chips correct.

How do you do that? Read on.

As you might have figured out, without me telling you this, Las Vegas isn’t really the best place for a “Hum Aapke Hain Kaun” family outing with Baba and Ma come recently from India. Alok Naths of the world, this is not for you. The city is also not enjoyed alone. Always try to come with someone else—either with your partner, or in a group of friends. Vegas, unlike an ice cream, is much better when it is shared.

The main action in Vegas is along the four-mile stretch of hotels and casinos called the Strip.  Especially if this is your first time, you are strongly advised to stay on the Strip. Sure hotels off the Strip may be cheaper but only if you stay on the Strip, can you take the famed late-night walk down the main boulevard, knees still wobbling, take in the energy of the multitude of partiers on the street and then finally dive into one of the steak-eggs-coffee places for a 4 am breakfast (I strongly recommend the one at Bill’s Gambling Hall). If you are budget-conscious, try getting toVegas on weekdays when even the best of hotels on the Strip have outrageous specials. But Vegas truly comes alive on weekends and so while the rates bump up then, there are still places on the Strip that you can stay real cheap, if all you are interested in is a bed and a working flush. Trust me. You need these two. At the minimum. For the rest, right up to the personal masseur, you pay as you go.

Food. One of the urban legends of Vegas is that food is dirt cheap. It used to be, once upon a time, when the hotels used cheap buffets to get clients into the door with the expectation that they would then play in their casinos. The business model no longer works and so the buffets are not subsidized any more. My recommendation: do not get too hung upon gustatory delights, it is not among the best things about Vegas. Save your money for the drinks. Especially the tall, really tall,  alcoholic concoctions that fetching ladies sell street-side.

And definitely save for the shows. Vegas is famous for live-shows with every hotel having their own line-up. There is a wide variety to choose from— stand-up, magic, magic-stand-up, vaudeville, Broadway shows, circuses and adult productions. The tickets are expensive—from 60 bucks to the cheapest seats to 175 for the good ones. The Vegas experience requires a show or two, especially if you are there with a significant other. Maybe not so much with a group of raucous friends. My personal recommendation:  catch a Cirque Du Soleil show—this troupe of dancer acrobats are a visual delight, you would not believe what is possible with the human body and with stage design unless you see them in action. The other recommendation. Avoid the “adult shows” like the plague. They are a waste of time. If that is the kind of thing you are looking for, go to one of the innumerable strip clubs that are a few miles away. The entertainment there will be cheaper and a lot more aligned with what you are really looking for. Call ahead, and some of them even send a free black limo to your hotel (you simply tip the chauffeur), if it be on the Strip. Total victory, as they say.

Wait. What about gambling? Coming to that. Visiting Vegas and not sitting at the tables is like going to a T20 game and not getting to see a single six. It is a must-do if only to get in touch with the inner “Great Gambler” inside you. If you are a seasoned player, feel free to skip this paragraph. If like me, you are a recreational one, listen to his carefully. Always fix an upper bound to the amount of money you will play and do not, under any circumstance, go over that. Once you are at a table, the lights are a-glowing, the drinks are a-coming, the chips are a-moving, it is very easy to cash in your five brothers and spouse at the cashier’s cage. It is that addictive. Remember a few things. Do not play the slot machines, they are not called the one-arm bandits for nothing. The best game for beginners is blackjack, the House’s edge there is the least, and since you play direct with the dealer, the skill of the other people at the table does not affect your chance of winning at all. There are blackjack strategy guides on the Net (easy to memorize) and online simulators on which you can practice so that you don’t look like a klutz at the table.

Finally, Vegas is always a place for deals, if you do not mind a bit of scavenging. Have an hour or two of moderate sobriety  to spare? Listen to the timeshare presentations, being aggressively peddled in the hotels. You will get free show tickets and buffet passes. Ask at the hotel for coupon books. Wake up early (in Vegas that is 10 am) and stand in front of booths where they sell show unsold tickets for that day at half-price.

Sell your personal information to casinos for players cards (cheaper than selling your soul) and get a few more deals, including free money to play at the slots.

If you forget everything I have told you, remember this. The House always wins. Just like Death. That is inevitable. So don’t worry. The trick is to enjoy the ride, to know when to hit, when to stay, when to double down and most importantly, when to split.

Think you got what it takes? Then welcome to Vegas. Welcome to Life.

I have always wondered why there has never been a store that sells aquariums, leather belt, ladies purse and dog food all together. Well now I know there is one.

For those of us who have always wanted a desi meat czar like Colonel Sanders of KFC, the wait is over. Say hello to our very own Dadu (grandfather) whose cutlets I have been told are to die for.

The three inescapable things of life. Birthday, marriage and of course kitty parties.

Gour chicken. Named after Gouranga, the Vaishnavite saint, this charming shop has its logo —chickens fighting each other, one with a gun and the other with a knife. Or perhaps the shop is named after Mithunda (whose original name is Gouranga) and that explains the “mujhe cheel chaal ke chicken bana de” violent imagery.

I swear allegiance to the Republic. I think I saw Jedi knights of the Old Republic taking orders and lightsabers being used as tubelights.

For those of you who remember their history, Dr. Shiva’s Shiv Shakti was a secret society that tried to lay ruin the world with their evil designs but was stopped dead in their tracks by Gunmaster G9. Since then however, taking advantage of the fact that Gunmaster is presently busy judging dance reality shows, the sly men have started opening branches across the nation. Selling tea.

What Shiv Shakti is to world peace, the word (railways) station(ary)  “Mamta” is to “enterprise”. Spine-chilling.

On the subject of spine-chilling subjects. Taken by Magnificent Maami Neha Viswanathan at United Coffee House.

A little context. Our conference was being held in Baden (not to be confused with Baden Baden…that’s in Germany), the pleasure retreat of a few of the dudes who habitated the Hofburg and one afternoon, I sneaked away after the bluster and verbiage to do some site-seeing in Vienna or as the locals call it Wien.

Not having a guide book and also not having much time, I just wandered around the Opera House and the lawns on the Hofburg, marveling at its grandeur and its manicured lawns (where the Bong smoking was going on). Only later did I realize that for a long time what I had been enraptured by was only the backside of the palace——feeling quite like a fool I then wended my way to the front side. Boy oh boy –all I can say is that Hofburg is no JLo— the front is much more magnificent than the back.

Coming back to the Bong thing, I then perceived two magnificent Gothic looking ladies locked in a passionate tongue kiss amidst the pastoral surroundings and in a dreamy, translucent state of foggy remembrance, my mind went back to the days of the powerful and decadent Hapsburg emperors who must have used these very lawns to engage in bacchanalian orgies to the ethereal tunes of some of the world’s greatest composers. These two exquisite ladies in the throes of passion (reminiscent of the Ecstacty of St Theresa) was to me a time warp harking me back to the days of yore…………

“Motherch**”

Brought back to reality by the mundane familiar ugliness of the word, I saw two burly desis shouting at each other in a very unMozart-like cadence——obviously two employees of a Indian restaurant very near the garden gates. Very close by was another Sher-e-Punjab and as I cast my eyes around I saw that the palace of the Hapsburgs and its classical Western European aura of orgiastic yet refined extravagance has been worn away by the depredations wrought by two of the world’s greatest cultural imperialists—India and America.

Starbucks and McDonalds rub shoulders with the India Mahal and Taste of India and as I glanced at the menu of one of these Indian places, I heard not the strains of Brahms or Strauss but an instrumental version of “Taal Se Taal” .

No such relief on the telly though. The top song on the TV stations of the nerve center of classical Western musical tradition was “Don’t cha wish your girl friend was a freak like me…Don’t cha?” by the imaginatively-titled “Pussycat Dolls” (with Busta Rhymes). But my biggest surprise was seeing the prevalence of India on European TV—–a pleasant change from what we get in the US.

While watching “Jalsaghar” and “Teen Kanya” was a surprising bonus, what really cracked me up was watching “Kuch Kuch Hota Hain” dubbed in German. “Rahul ist ein Ubenbrucker” coming from Kajol was simply ethereal. Only pity was that they kept the songs non-dubbed and subtitled—-what would I pay to hear a German singer start out with that nasal Sanuesque “He he he …..he he he” before “Ladki Bari Anjani Hain”.

I looked into my TV guide supplied by the hotel which was in both German and English. KKHH was described as ” After losing his first wife, a man realizes that his best friend in college was the one whom he ever truly loved. A heart-warming story of …………..”. On reading this, I realized , for the first time, what a masterpiece KKHH was…….I always thought of it as a saccharine monstrosity anchored by a over-precocious girl who deserved two tight slaps. But since the uber-refined Austrians consider it a gem, who am I to argue ?

Next week would be Mohabbatein–”an eternal love story” (according to the TV guide) [eternal it is.....with 5 love stories going on in parallel it does give us a glimpse into "eternity"] featuring one of the world’s most popular actors—-Shahrukh Khan. In another TV spot on “Main Hoon Na” I could make out from the German that he was being compared to Tom Cruise, Cary Grant and a few other luminaries. Of course if David Hasselhof could be God here, then why not Shahrukh?

During another conference-sponsored trip to Europe in 2003, I had marveled at how intrinsicly desi Switzerland had become—signs in Hindi, Indian honeymooners posing for Patel shots ad nauseum, a desi restaurant with giant cut outs of Sunny Deol at Jungfraujoch, a special Bollywood tourist route (for Bollyphiles who want to look at exact locations where scenes from DDLJ and Chandni were shot) and an Indian couple fighting with an exasperated proprietor who was trying to explain, in vain, that in a buffet two people cannot eat from one plate.

And now Austria. The day is not far off when the Opera House in downtown Vienna shall resonate with the cultural sledgehammer otherwise known as “Bollywood night” and European open air cafes shall start serving samosas and jalebis.

That will also be the day Amadeus Mozart, in his nameless casket, shall wring his hands in quiet desperation and start “de-composing”.

[Some pictures]