That's Vulgar

60 Comments

By now all of you must have heard of the vibrating condom ring scandal that rocked Madhya Pradesh. For those who did not : Hindustan Latex had created a battery-operated vibrating condom (Crezendo) which offended the moral police in Madhya Pradesh because they felt it was a “sex toy” and since adults should never play with toys, they wanted it , predictably banned. What particularly piqued my demented mind was how this problem was brought to the attention of the minister who campaigned passionately against Crezendo. From his words on CNN-IBN

yeh prasn is liye utha hain kyon ki ek vidyarthi mere paas aaaya aur kaha ki yeh vibrating ring lekar hostel ke andar vidyarthi iske upayog kar rahe hain aur iske marketing ho rahee hain. vidyarthi agar parne ke samay main is prakar ki vibrating ring ka upyog karta hain to main samajhta hoon ki yeh kisi ke liye chinta ki vishaaye ho sakti hain.

Which means that one day, our honourable minister, in the course of his peregrinations, was accosted by a student whose complaint was not the unavailability of books in the library, or of placement opportunities or the need to upgrade campus facilities. No. His complaint was that some students had vibrating condoms on their walking sticks. Displaying sagacity of the highest form, the minister realized that if “vidyarthis” are racked with repeated eruptions from battery-operated enhancements while studying (parne ke samay), a generation of young men will be created solely dependent on automation for even the simplest of tasks, unable to use their hands.

Moved deeply by this vulgarity, this minister demanded an all-party meeting to be convened by the Prime Minister to discuss this matter of urgent national import. No more G8 summits. Just G-spot.

I have always been thrilled by our erected sorry elected representatives protecting us from vulgarity. People like Priya Praneshwari Das Munshi, our I&B chief and the saviour of Indian football who tirelessly led India’s unsuccessful bids for hosting the football world cup through ceaseless criscrossing of Europe and the Americas on the taxpayer’s account and has since brought to his job as the country’s moral supremo the same selfless and punishing work-ethic.

From the Telegraph:

A monitoring process (for vulgarity on TV) does exist, besides Das Munshi himself, who has said he sometimes stays up late to monitor television content.

So while his constituents sleep in the comfort of their bed, the minister is up at night, lights turned off, surfing the channels to watch the level of debauchery being shown, sometimes perhaps even with the sound off.

Don’t get me wrong here. I really love being protected from flashing breasts at 1 o’clock and that college kid who walks funny. But what really gets my goat is the vulgarity that assails me each day I open the newspaper.

Like Mayawati “revealing her assets” (the headline from TOI). And what assets those are ! Add up Pam Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith and Sushmita Sen and you still get a puny fraction of her 52 crore bounty (and these are the assets she “chooses” to reveal: what she keeps “choli ke peeche” must be many times that). All of which she claims she earned through “voluntary donations” from the downtrodden members of the BSP.

Like the fact that Pratibha Tai, who disbursed crores of government money as “bad loans” to her relatives, thus bankrupting a cooperative bank, is soon going to be the next President of India. That she makes statements which would make Dada Kondke go red in the face— like “Dadiji ke shareer mein baba aye” and “He also made me very lucky” only adds insult to injury.

Someone somewhere really needs to put a stop to this shameless obscenity. But what to do? As long as mammaries jiggle and organs wriggle, the best and brightest of the land are otherwise occupied.

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60 thoughts on “That's Vulgar

  1. It’s sad.

    These political parties couldn’t agree on giving Kalam another term and find strategic merit in discussing condoms! We should forget competing with China.

    Sometimes I think we are only marginally better than Pakistan when it comes to socio-political stupidities.

  2. “…a generation of young men will be created solely dependent on automation for even the simplest of tasks, unable to use their hands”….oh, the pity……..hahahah

  3. GB, a small correcction, u missed “than” here: these are the assets she “chooses” to reveal: what she keeps “choli ke peeche” must be many times that

  4. The minister in question could be coming from one of two places…1)He genuinely believes that sex toys,sexual displays of affection and vulgarity are against the ethos of this country’s culture and so, should be banned. 2)He’s doing so to appear as the saviour of our culture, to appeal to his constituents.

    If its the former, well there’s not much that you can do about it. He’s got his values and he’s sticking by them. But, its just that in any changing society, i believe, the trend is towards freedom of expression(sexuallly too) and things like sex toys will be considered cool. Its just like how mini-skirts are trendy, but if a college teen goes to coll in a villagerish dress, she’ll be looked down upon for the most part. And till our inner cities modernise, you can xpect minister’s like him to have their place in the sun.

    If its the latter, then its for his voters to decide. Is he really preserving their culture? Would they much rather have roads,hospitals and schools? But considering that many are uneducated or get swayed easily by emotional speeches, their decisions too end up being regressive. And again, we’ll have to wait till they get educated, see the good life, so that then they’ll too demand that in their hometowns.

  5. It makes one think that we have already solved our problems of corruption, non – existent infrastructure, lack of basic education , lack of basic hygiene, etc, etc, etc………

    After all, if all our exalted ministers are involved in protection of the mass against moral debauchery, then the other problems must have ceased by now!

    Makes one feel so angry that one ceases to care !!!!!!!

  6. ‘So while his constituents sleep in the comfort of their bed, the minister is up at night, lights turned off, surfing the channels to watch the level of debauchery being shown, sometimes perhaps even with the sound off’

    We are like this only

  7. Perhaps this minister will allow Crezendo after compnay allow him to pursue vigil over its use..just as FTV did.

  8. “Dadiji ke shareer mein baba aye” …what a take!!!!!

    Couldn’t stop laughing…..even I read the article but missed the hidden meaning tai wanted to convey….

    HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO

  9. Initially i wanted to laugh!. But what a crap load of bull. Its so sad. Preserve culture, promote the delusion about vices (or virtues depending on your pov) being mutually exclusive with accomplishments; but at all times patronize the “invisible hand” of corruption and inefficiency.

    The translation of the minister’s text is quite brilliant. 🙂

  10. Now how do I get out of my head the image of Priya staying up late at night and ogling at Mayawati’s 52C (as)sets with a remote in his right hand which appropriately does not quite know what the left hand is down to?

  11. Funny as always dude, but I say watch your words. The word around here is that someone filed a complaint against Nilu and he had to take his site down. Not sure if that is true but in any case I found the Mayawati passage a bit too much.

    That apart, my grouse against the condom maker is different. I mean I have a self-winding watch which powers itself by my hand movements. Why cant the condom do something similar. There is no need for a battery especially given the amount and pace of the movements it has to undergo. Talk climate change.

  12. Please dont watch what you say.

    a joke is a joke. The moral police win if writers exercise self-censorship.

    The pun on ‘revealing assets’ was brilliant!

  13. Arnab, You missed one vital information – the minister in question is Kailash Vijaybargia, the Public Works minister of Madhya Pradesh! Don’t know if he misread his designation as Pubic work minister, but to add another place to Rohit’s two mentioned above is “working as publicity agent for Hindustan Latex”. How many of us knew about this condom/sextoy before the controversy? Rumours abound here that there is a five star hotel going up at Singapore by the name of Vijaybargia Palace just in the vicinity of one Digvijay palace! Another interesting opinion is here. I don’t know what the government will ban if they read this, the d*ck or the cell phone! Lastly do you/any of your visitors care to put up this banner on their blog/website?It won’t matter I know, but just for the heck of it

  14. very funny… especially the bong take on rashtrapatni’s comment “Dadiji ke shareer mein baba aye”
    naughty naughty

  15. @Mukul: Strategic merit indeed.
    @Vinayak: No they do not.
    @Aravind: It never ceases to amaze me how many Indians actually want to be moral policed.
    @Rahul: 🙂
    @Kishor: I am sorry I didn’t get the error in that sentence. There may be something I am missing here.
    @Rohit: “He’s got his values and he’s sticking by them.”
    Let him. Let him not use a battery-operated ring himself. The problem is he is imposing his values on others.
    @Anirban: The danger is always in not caring. Of giving up. Not something I am going to do.
    @JM: True
    @Bansikala: heh.
    @Dodo: 🙂
    @Yourfan2: Yes, it’s all to take your eyes away from the main issues. The easiest thing for any government to do is to be the moral police: banning things left and right. It gets them attention and it substitutes for real activity.
    @Dipanjan: 🙂
    @Sriram: I havent said anything libellous. It is very plainly a “pun” on a headline that TOI had. I did not make that headline up.
    @WTF: Hmm
    @Bhopale: There is a reason I did not put up that banner. Because I do not know the intentions behind those who put that “poster” up–whether that’s a part of a BJP campaign to tarnish the opposition. Pardon me, but I usually have a mistrust of concerted “campaigns” on politically sensitive issues as this. I have serious misgivings about Pratibha Patil from my position as a neutral citizen. However, I do not want to be part of any organized web movement unless I am sure of the antecedents of those who put up that blogpost and the associated banner.
    @ Adi Crazy: 🙂
    @Momo:What take? I just posted her comment in toto. 🙂

  16. An addendum: Continuing a discussion from my “My President” post, the president isnt just another political appointee. During times of constitutional crisis, his/her decision is what breaks the impasse—-hence it is essential for him/her to be perceived as a statesmanly figure above pettiness and influence. Now with the accusations against Ms. Patil, this perception is what’s been hit for a six. It’s evident that her only qualification is her undying loyalty to the Family and this post is a reward to her for that loyalty. Now how can such a person be even expected to be neutral? To be honest we have had people like Zail Singh as president before but at least he gave us a rich corpus of Zail-Buta jokes.

  17. studying (parne ke samay)…. hahahahahahaha…. GB… you are one demented pervert…. :d… awesome as usual…

    Incidentally… loved the ET’s take on Pratibha-tai…
    “Who says India is not a country of contradictions… we are seeking to replace a missile technologist with someone who speaks to dead godmen”…

  18. First of all a “ban on Sex toys” is ridic ….. especially in a society where a sum of Rs500 can get you a .32 caliber in some places ….

  19. @Sriram: Self-censorship not a great solution. Exposing the pseudo-democratic values our society/nation is based on by taking some brunt if and when it comes is.

  20. BTW, I do not mean to say the Polish magazine’s stunt was not in bad taste, before I find myself trying to defend bringing that up here.

  21. GB, in 2005 when I suggested a EE colleague (who runs a n/w lab at MIT that provides IT solutions to Indian villages) that he should consider structuring the cell phone kept in vibration mode as a ‘dual-purpose’ tool for remote controlled stimulation ideally suited for couples who live apart (incidentally I was living in Cambridge by myself those days 😉 ), he felt it could be a big hit with Indian truckers et al. My proposed moist tongue-textured latex case could easily provide mind-blowing earlobe sensation for the bored housewife even over a mundane grocery call, even when all that she is thinking about are cucumbers, radishes and yams…

    Am wondering what would the MP government do then – perhaps rollback the great Indian mobile phone revolution?!

  22. terrific as always!!! :)…you have a great demented mind to really read the facts between the sayings of our politicans…LOL…rock on!!

  23. GB: “Let him not use a battery-operated ring himself. The problem is he is imposing his values on others.”

    A battery operated vibrator is clearly a sex toy, even if it comes attached to a condom. If selling such toys is illegal in India, then I don’t see anything wrong in asking for a ban on this product. That he is a minister of public works is immaterial. He is also a citizen and is only doing his duty by asking for law to be enforced.

  24. I suppose it’s because the people here are willing to take such stupidity from their representatives….

    Perhaps another 100 years of colonial rule will bring us to our senses. On second thoughts… Make that 500 years

  25. vishakh: I have no opinion either way whether the law needs to be changed. But as long as the law says you can’t sell such toys, I see nothing wrong in someone asking for a ban.

  26. S. Pyne –
    I have a much elaborate business plan which will create an industry by itself. Your cell phone idea is only a small subset of it. Rope in your MIT friend and lets rake billions. Do you want to join Arnab, afterall its your site 😀

  27. Ah, The Mohan Strikes Again!

    First, about the sex-toy bit. I happen to agree with the you on the latter of the law but even if I don’t agree with the law itself. The law is an ass, but as long as it’s legal ass, we have to kiss it.

    Next, about Kalam and Sai Baba. I am no Kalam fan, but I don’t see how revering a Sai Baba as a person reduces Kalam’s scientific credibility. All the allegations against the guy (BTW, I am a rationalist myself, and no Sai Baba fan either) are unproven and for someone as much of a stickler for the law as you are, surely you have heard the “innocent until found guilty” bit?

    Second, Sai Baba is indeed a great philanthropist, regardless of the unfortunate propensity for dime store “miracles” and “holy ash”. I have to admit this because I have seen with my own eyes how he has transformed Puttaparthi, brought water to an entire hitherto-parched area, and has started and is running one of the most awesome hospital complexes I have ever seen – all free of cost! Millions have so far got the benefit of being treated there at a state of the art facility – something that would be totally denied to them otherwise. So give him credit where it is due.

    Maybe Kalam was admiring this side of his personality. Besides, what rule states that scientists have to be atheistic.

    Finally as for the religion bit, he might be a charlatan, or actually a Godman. I don’t know, and frankly, neither do you. But you are surer than I am because you probably have already slotted all Godmen as charlatans. That would also explain why you take the word of a few accusers as truthful against the millions from all religions who seem to revere him! Again your belief does not seem scientifically sound.

    I am NOT defending the guy. Personally I don’t think highly of his professed “Godliness” and his stunts at all. But the point is that he is doing a lot of good also, and we should keep an open mind about both the benefits and the demerits of the person. The same goes for all other Godmen. They are not necessarily bad, even if they irritate the hell out of you (and me).

    Example – I can’t stand that other moneymaking idiot – Ramdev. But I have to admit he is doing some good by reintroducing people to pranayam and yoga. For that benefit, we have to put up with him commenting on everything from infertility to the Indian cricket team’s performance. You have to take the rough with the smooth sometimes.

  28. @Shan: My point was that it wasn’t as great a contradiction as the ET quote made it look. From a president who sings paeans of a Godman to a president who claims to have spoken to a dead Godman, it is only a small step in the same direction, not a swing from one end of the spectrum to another.

    Does Kalam believe in Sai Baba’s miraculous powers? If he does, then it is not much different from Ms. Patil believing that she spoke to her dead Guru. If he doesn’t, then it is a bit disingenuous of him to write poems in praise of a man whose main claim to fame are those miracles. Sure, he may have praised only the philanthropic side of Baba, but for anyone who doesn’t believe in miracles Baba is nothing but a charlatan – a philanthropic charlatan maybe, but still a charlatan – and how can you sing praises of a charlatan?

  29. I think there is a great big step from believing in a Godman to talking with a dead anybody. Kalam is welcome to have his personal views in Godmen, and their so called miracles, even if you or I don’t, just as he is welcome to have his personal views on God. Not all scientists have to be Richard Dawkins fans.

    On the other hand, talking to dead people is just creepy, not to say delusional. What Patil needs is treatment, seriously.

  30. Greatbong Dada,

    Let them have it, let them have it, let them have it…in choicest words, in unvarnished terms, let the geriatric scads get the stinging effect.

    Arise, Awake, and stop not until all the banchuths get it. Never mince words.

    Cheers

  31. @ Shan: Talking to dead people is weird, but how is it-in principle- any different from believing in miracles? Surely, you are not advocating any gradations in delusion 🙂

  32. That was an interesting discussion above. What part of the law prohibits the selling of sex toys in India? I am truly curious about this, does anyone have any idea what the specific law is?

    Anyway, it is wonderful to see our lawmakers uphold Victorian concepts of morality and specifically trying to enforce the Christian and Muslim taboo of sex as part of “our” Hindu culture. If this is not integration, then what is?

  33. @Kunal: Demented pervert? Ehh?
    @Bhopale: Hmm
    @Dibyo: Hmm
    @Uday: Now again I would, if I was the German chancellor, find that offensive. However trying to ban an expression of non-libelous humour is to me “not on”.
    @S.Pyne: “My proposed moist tongue-textured latex case could easily provide mind-blowing earlobe sensation for the bored housewife even over a mundane grocery call, even when all that she is thinking about are cucumbers, radishes and yams…”
    Awesome imagery ! The choice of vegetables has been noted.
    @Saptaswa: Is that really Didi’s verse? Because it is awesome.
    @Saty: 🙂
    @Mohan:
    1.

    A battery operated vibrator is clearly a sex toy, even if it comes attached to a condom

    Who said so? You? Is that the law? How does the law (as opposed to you) define sex toys?
    2.

    If selling such toys is illegal in India, then I don’t see anything wrong in asking for a ban on this product. That he is a minister of public works is immaterial. He is also a citizen and is only doing his duty by asking for law to be enforced.

    The way the law works in this country is that when you, as a citizen, believe that the law is being broken, you file a PIL. You do not ‘ban” it. The reason is simple: you cannot. This guy, precisely because he is a minister,(and not an ordinary citizen) can. In other words, it’s his power (as opposed to his position–which gives him no jurisdiction on sex toys unless as pointed out in a previous comment that he does not know the difference between Public Works and Pubic Works) that allows him to impose his morals on the rest.
    Note also that he asks for an all party conference on this. Now if this was a matter of breaking the law, why would things be so complicated? And nowhere does he say that anyone is breaking the law…he just says it is “immoral” to derive pleasure from sex.
    3. Kalam goes to Sai Baba. And he suggests crazy topics for Phds. And thats the worst you can say about him. Now what’s the alternative? Someone who has cleaned out a cooperative bank and defrauded the nation of crores of rupees. Give me Kalam any day.
    @Visakh: Sometimes they want such stupidity…otherwise why do you think ministers do it? For popularity only.
    @Anonymous: 🙂
    @Sonarbangla: sigh
    @Anonymouse: Yes wonderful it is.

  34. @Mohan- You are basing your argument on the fact that:

    1> There is such a state/ national law in existence.

    2> The minister is aware of such a law, if it indeed exists!

    Now even if such a law exists, then the minister’s desire to ban it may stem from other personal prejudices and not because it was a breach of the law. So many assumptions. So your rejoinder is a mere conjecture. And your support for the minister’s words are therefore based on a small subset of a big sample space which implies a very low probability of conviction.

    Now I believe that that there are standards which a company must adhere to when producing goods and those in turn must be ratified by a certifying body. This is especially stringent in case of medicines and health products like contraceptives. So if the company here was still possible to bring out this product, it means that either they haven’t made a proper disclosure to the certifying body, or the certifying body is to be blamed of ignorance of the law. It could also hint at at bribery and corruption.

    So if I am a tablet manufacturer and I bring out a pill which has traces of cocaine, then its the drug agency’s responsibility to judge if I am in violation of law regarding composition of my medicine. They may make it a controlled substance, say a Schedule 2 drug. If a lot of people die taking that medicine, the medicine may be banned, because the harm caused is tangible and was the outcome was not desired by the victims.

    However the overwhelming evidence from the minister’s own words seems to be that he doesn’t care about investigating the legal point of view, or looking at studies as to whether the condom has side effects or not. Even if the side effects are intangible, say ahem perversion, he didn’t take the opinion of the Psychiatrist Association. Why he didn’t even investigate that single student’s claim. And what about the set of customers who do not belong to the student body? Hes just saying that students should study during their study times and such things are a sure impediment to him becoming a successful one. “Against Indian Culture” is the best way to justify actions like this. In other words, he just wanted that substance banned since he found it despicable.

    Its therefore time for a straight-laced chick from the girl’s hostel to whisper in the ears of the minister about the growing popularity of thongs among young women. Surely such a tantalizing thing like a thong is against “Indian culture”. It is apt that “Madhya Pradesh” girls wear no thongs as a symbol of homeland pride. Is selling thongs legal in India? Thats hardly the point. Its just despicable!!! Wheres the Prime Minister?

  35. Yourfan2: What’s a Schedule 2 drug? Can’t remember a Schedule 2 in N&PS Act/ Rules, and Schedule 2 in the D&C Act does not talk of controlled substances either…

    Incidentally, couldn’t find a law against vibrating condoms either. Maybe Mohan can enlighten us on which law he is refering to…

    Incidentally, if vibrating condoms are against the law, you can’t ban it. You just enforce the law. Banning it means applying an executive priviledge to prevent a previously permitted object from being sold…

    Just my two bits…

  36. “Dadiji ke shareer mein baba aye”, :-):-):-)..Brilliant. However, it would have sounded better if she said “Dadiji ke shareer mein dadaji aye” 🙂

  37. Quote:-
    “Displaying sagacity of the highest form, the minister realized that if “vidyarthis” are racked with repeated eruptions from battery-operated enhancements while studying (parne ke samay), a generation of young men will be created solely dependent on automation for even the simplest of tasks, unable to use their hands.”
    Unquote.

    Simply hilarious – you coudn’t have gone for a better selection of words – how do you do it GB?! Another fantastic post which left me chuckling at the hypocrisy of this great land!

    I completely agree with you that the priorities in this country, especially its political class, is completely askew …. as you rightly point out, instead of tackling numerous issues such as corruption, crime, communalism, etc – ministers choose to shift the spotlight onto issues that don’t concern them …. people should have the right to choose what they want to do in their private bedrooms & how they conduct themselves privately without being the object of a political scrutiny.

    And yea, the presidential race just got boring as hell – with such incompetent & shady characters masquerading as candidates to one of the land’s highest offices, it hardly matters who gets chosen …. one way or the other, the sanctity of the President’s post, which was so far untouched by petty political bickering & was elevated in many ways by Kalam’s presence, will surely be disturbed.

    Btw, I am eagerly awaiting your take on “Aap Ka Suroor – The Moviee” – post it as soon as you hav managed to go through the nightmarish experience! 😀

  38. Yourfan2: OK – got it. In India we have a different set of schedules under the Drugs & Cosmetics Rules – and drugs are classified under the level of strictness of control – Schedule G, Schedule H and Schedule X (in increasing order of strictness). Toughest controls are reserved for substances under the Narcotics and Psycotropic Substances (Controlled Substances)Act – which would correspond to Schedule 2 under the Controlled Substances Act in the US.

    No, you’re not pharmaceutically incorrect; it’s just that we’re refering to two different countries which actually collaborated a great deal when writing their respective laws.

    But vibrating condoms? I really can’t find a law which would cover it (sic). Contraceptives, medical devices, sex-toys? seems to be a grey area. Doubtless our regulatory authorities would be similarly confused.

    Thereby allowing the morality brigade getting it banned.

  39. Just give the honorable minister a free supply of Crezendo that ougt to keep him preoccupied and out of everyones hair.

    Devasis

  40. hat she makes statements which would make Dada Kondke go red in the face— like “Dadiji ke shareer mein baba aye” and “He also made me very lucky” only adds insult to injury.

    This literally translates Baba came on Dadiji’s body and then he made me luck too ( he came on her)

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  42. Hey I wonder why no one ever thought about vibrating tampons…now that would help. The idea however is not original, Eve Ensler floats this idea in her play ‘Vagina Monologues’.

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  45. And that’s the message that we deliver to little kids
    And expect them not to know what a woman’s clitoris is
    Of course they gonna know what intercourse is
    By the time they hit fourth grade
    They got the Discovery Channel don’t they?
    “We ain’t nothing but mammals..”
    (Eminem : slim shady)

    Billions of Indians and the millions produced everyday are morally kept upright by a handful of the chosen people who endure the pain of going through all the smut (at tax payers cost) ……..they couldn’t ban the internet(thank god) a questions arises…..

    Is it not that the person who wrote Kamasutra is considered a rishi in our culture?

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