As the year comes to a close, it is time to give out the annual Howitzer Awards instituted by RTDM to recognize excellence in news reporting and honor all those inveterate media outlets who have brought to us news as it should be presented, in its pristine pure form, bereft of all sensationalism and falsehoods, presented with the help of beautiful rigid prose and aesthetic visuals.
This award once used to be almost the exclusive monopoly of the entertainment section of Indiadaily whose reporters-at-large Pam Bhandari and Lala Larani went everywhere, bringing news no one else would dare to—chronicling topless fights of Bollywood celebs in nightclubs, use of unwashed underwear and other personal hygiene issues of celebrities, and lesbian domino effects in Mumbai [A detailed analysis of the site here]
However all good things come to an end and Indiadaily’s entertainment section is very infrequently updated nowadays, which some conjecture may have been due to the collapse of investment banks like “Bares and Stares” and “Titigrope” . Though nice headlines like “Kareena goes wild on Sardar Saif” and “Priyanka Shahid stare at each other” with balle balle prose like “she went wild and nuts when she saw Sardar Saif. Kareena says she cannot resist her passion for Saif when she him in Sardar dress” can still be found, they are nothing close to the dizzying standards set in previous years.
So here are this year’s awards, presented in a new way.
Howitzer for Photo-journalism: Goes to this amazing series of photos taken of Amisha Patel at Shilpa Shetty’s wedding. Not only does the photographer, in the best traditions of wild-life photography, catch Amisha Patel at vital moments keeping in mind exactly what the average reader (male) would like to see and not only makes a subtle suggestion of Picasso’s blue period but he also layers in the kind of genius that we at the Howitzer committee so love. Namely lovely captions like “Yeh dhai kilo ka haath” extolling the femininity of her Sunny forearms and “Yeh andar ki baat hain” when the actress’s inner beauty is revealed.
Howitzer for Politically Correct Reporting: In a charming piece of politically correct reporting, this awardee article had the following headline “How Deepika Padukone got her Chinki eyes” which was changed, for reasons unknown (perhaps the Chinese government objected to it, like they have objected to India building railroads and dams inside its own territory and also to Badshah snack corner near Shyambajar in Kolkata calling its oily concoction “chow mein”) to “Secret behind Deepika’s Chinese look revealed!” . For proof of the original headline, google “How Deepika Padukone got her Chinki eyes” for mirrors of the original article like the one here and here.
Howitzer for Use of Old World English: Goes to this headline which simply says “Priyanka Chopra’s Still Gay”.
Howitzer For Most Stinking Headline: Goes to this headline which again simply says “Gas is not Ambanis’ private property: Govt”
Howitzer For Best Celebrity Wedding Coverage: Goes to Zoom “Isko dekho” TV for their breaking of (with sound effects) the story wherein Akshay Kumar’s ghost was sighted in different forms at Shilpa Shetty’s wedding [Video] (Shilpa Shetty having some “history” with Akshay Kumar, being part of an exclusive set of Akkites that consist of about 37% of India’s female population)
Howitzer For Patriotic Reporting: While our government, in perhaps a bit of misplaced honesty, tells the world how vulnerable we are to terror in the process making us even more terrified than we already are, trust India TV to assure us that we are as safe and snug as a politician under Z++ category. In yet another example of great investigative reporting [Video], it tells us of a magical machine that the Indian government possesses, whose code name is “Osama ka baap, Dawood ka Dada, Headley ka chacha” , a machine which is so magical that if you just place your hand on it then it can say if you are a terrorist or not.
Howitzer for Best Scientific Reporting: This one was the toughest. Would it be “Himalaya main kyon baar baar ate hain Aliens”, India TV’s expose on cross-terrestrial infiltration? [Video] Would it be the exclusive story of four year old child Happy who in his previous birth used to be a man called Sukhvinder and wants to now stay with the parents from his previous birth [Video]? Would it be the elaborately researched story which tells the shocked audience that “Insaan ka satta ka THE END” is imminent with “Robot Raaj” round the corner and where visual proof being provided by actual footage from documentaries like Terminator and I Robot? Would it be the “not even the X Files had this one” story of the udan tastari that was sighted, the one with the most dangerous aliens known to man—-“Nimboo” (Lemon) Aliens led by presumably their leader Lime and Lemony Limca [Video] ? Would it be the startling revelation that many millions of years ago a metor hit near Mumbai and it was this one single meteor responsible for the extermination of the dinosaurs (“Mumbai mein mahavinash aaya tha”) because evidently “Mumbai dinosauron ka adda tha“, a revelation that becomes a soon-to-be-realized prophecy of obsolescence if you replace “dinosauron” with the word “Bihariyon” and the “M-ahavi-N-a-S-hkari meteor” with the letters that stand boldly capital [Video]?
This one is a tie.
Howitzeron Ka Howitzer: The best of the best. India TV wins it for answering the most important question of them all, the one whose answer the entire nation wants. And what is that?
“Kiske paas hai Katrina ki pant?” (Who has Katrina’s pants?)[Video]
Watch it and worship.
[And yes if you want to give an award to the Howitzer committee, then please vote for Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind in Category 1 and Category 5 at the Indibloggies. ] (More details about the Indibloggies awards here)
[Acknowledgments for India TV video uploads: Aseem Chandaver]