Some Things I Never Thought Would Happen

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Some things I never thought would happen:

1. Jaya Prada becoming a hip hop artist. Possibly the most matronly heroine around (with the honorable exception of the bovine-eyed Rakhi)—even in her heydays, I would never have thought of her becoming a desi Missy Elliott or Lil Kim once she was on the wrong side of 40. Or it may be 50.

Jaya Prada with a doll in her hand singing [Sanjog]:

Zhu zhu zhu, zhu zhu zhu, Yasodha ka nandlala, Brij ka ujala hai, Mere laal se to sara jag jhilmilaye, Raat thandi thandi hawa gake sulaye, Bhor gulabi palke choomke jagaye…’’

Yes. I get that.

Jaya Prada dancing to “Barsaat main jab ayega sawan ka mahina, saajan ko bana loongi angoothi ki nagina” while Jitendra watched appreciatively in the aptly-titled movie “Ma”.

Yes. I get that too.

Jaya Prada saying “Shizzle ma nizzle” or “My milkshake brings the boys to the yard“.No I never saw that coming.

2. Women’s Day. A day that is dedicated to women’s rights—about recognizing the fact that females aren’t objects but people.

Person in question: Sharon Stone, Jaya Prada’s anti-matter analogue. In Israel on woman’s day to attend a session called “Women’s Role in Decision Making”.

And then this happens !

It may not be what Sharon Stone wants to discuss, but the actress is happy to confirm that, yes, she does indeed get naked in her next movie, the sequel to the 1992 hit “Basic Instinct.”

In Israel to promote International Women’s Day, Stone was badgered not about the fairer sex, but instead about her role as a sexed-up serial killer in ” Basic Instinct 2 ” Wednesday.

“People are just sitting there going, like, ‘I don’t care what she’s saying. I don’t care what she’s saying. I just want to know is she getting naked?

Is she getting naked in that movie? Is she naked? Nude? Nude? Naked? Do I see her boobies?'” the actress, now 48, told reporters, laughingly.

“So let’s just get through to that. Yes! And now that I’ve cleared that up, let’s just go to the next question, because nobody cares about anything else, really,” she said.

Just boggles my mind. A day for female empowerment. A session for discussing how women may become part of the political/decision-making process. And all that the press wants to know is whether Sharon Stone gets naked or not.

Hideous. I never saw that coming.

3. Archies comics coming to the Middle-east.

Again something I could never have dreamed of. I just cant see how those infidel-hating radicals are going to buy comics that talk about dates, dances, kisses, the Western lifestyle and Moose Miller? Or are the promoters of Archies comics banking on a steady demand that shall arise from their periodic burning—kind of like the business model followed by Danish flag sellers in the Middle East.

Because I frankly do not see the Saudis being too enamored of Betty and Veronica’s bikinis and hot shorts. If the religious police allow girls to be burned alive rather than be seen without a face covering, I just cannot see how this kind of debauchery can be tolerated.

Unless of course they redraw Archies, taking the essential storyline but transplanting it into a Middle-East context.

A red-headed Osama who drives an armoured truck to his madrasa, headed by the strict Talib Weatherbee. There he hangs around with fellow Jihadis talking about girls, parties and of course world domination, atom bombs and Western imperialism. His best friend is Umar Jughead, whose eyes are perennially closed. He hates women (opposes healthcare for the female species), loves burgers and enjoys blowing up historic statues. Reggie al-Zawahiri is the slick guy always trying to show off his knowledge of politics and explosive devices. Moose Mullar is the dumb suicide bomber who has been trying to blow himself for years but never seems to be able to find the switch.

Betty and Veronica are sexy camels [that’s the only way they can show some skin in the Middle-East]. Mr. Lodge, the rich financier is a Saudi prince. And finally Ms. Pervez Grundy: the genial teacher who behind his strict demeanour (that is only for Western consumption) actually loves Osama and his fine gang and buys them a soda/burger and a few Ak47s from time to time and when their music practice gets too loud, allows them a safe haven in her home.

As a teen leafing through double digests, I never saw this metamorphosis happening in my lifetime.

4. My 200th post. [This is my 200th post]

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48 thoughts on “Some Things I Never Thought Would Happen

  1. 1. I can’t wait to hear Bappi Da’s in da club remix of “It’s hard out here for a pimp” :) Just the mere thought gives me goosebumps.

    2. Does Basic Instinct 2 feature err… the crossing leg thingy.

    3. Actually the Simpsons beat Archie to it. But I don’t know if Bart will continue to moon or if Lisa will be allowed to attend School.

    4. Congratulations on the double century.

  2. Just 200 posts? Why does it seem you were around forever? :) Congrats!

    Regards Archie in the Middle East, it is the covert American gameplan. They realized invading Iraq was the wrong way to go about things. Let Arabs see what they might get if they live an ‘American’ lifestyle and soon they will badger their ruling sheikhs to get more malt shakes and less suicide bombings.

  3. Haha :-) This was singature Bong piece. Congrats on your double century.

    Regarding the topic at hand, well if The Simpsons can Muslimize to Al-Shamshoon, then rest of it is *chiller* party. I am just waiting for Jitendra to go all-black (as opposed to his patented all-white) and fo shizzle har niggle..(or whatever the fizshicnically the correct term is) – with his item pairing Baby J. Pro.

  4. Nice post GB. Such posts from you can serve as excellent fillers between the blockbusters.

    Sharon Stone crossing legs….Bettie and Veronica….Archie double digests…..Pop and soda….hmm…you sure know how to make one nostalgic….when I was a kid I liked Betty as she was the crowd fav…..liked Veronica more later as she had a rich dad. Juggie was my fav character.

    Those Saudi analogies with camels and jihadis were a gem.

    1 question for you—which hall in Kolkata did you first see BI part-1? Did you go there bunking school…like I did? :)

    Oh….and congrats to India’s best blogger on the double hundred. It was as grand double century.

  5. Am I allowed to say that this is the greatest blog ever! :D

    Hearty Congratulations on your 200 posts. Here is something I thought could never happen… Jayalalitha forming an alliance with Viako, the man whom she sent to prison. I thought I was done with my yearly quota for things that I never thought could happen and was looking forward to normalcy. But the story didn’t end there. Some association has nominated Jayalalitha for the nobel peace prize! My world turned upside down when I read that. What next, Shobhaa De for Bookers and Uday Chopra for Oscars??? The apocalypse is coming I tell ya… ;)

  6. we had no doubts of point no 4
    congrats and keep going ! its a wonderful pace!
    no elaboration of amar singh’s friendly chat?
    sad!

  7. I dont know abt Saudi , but Archies was always available in the UAE . And NO! without any of the changes that u had mentioned above … LOL !!
    They never seemed to hav any problem with the bikinis or any dress worn by Betty or Veronica .. or so i thot . Recently a movie poster made me think otherwise. The movie in question -“Into the blue” , it had a poster depicting Jessica Alba in a bikini .But the magazines around here carried a picture where her bikini bottom was ‘cleverly’ changed to jeans shorts. The end result of the ‘smartness’ -we had a Jessica Alba clad in a transparent jeans shorts .
    Moral of the story – kids are allowed to see women in bikini , adults/teenagers are not. end of story

    Congrats on ur 200th post!!

  8. Congrats bangabandhu, ive been reading your blog since a long time now (back when there used to be no comments on your blogs :P) and ive loved all your posts and stolen some lines out of it too :I

  9. YOURFAN writes: Heartiest congratulations on your 200th posts. I must admit that I have not read all your posts. Is there anybody who has read all of those 200? – my hats off to those persons. It is very difficult to keep track of your writings with so many things which need my participation and attention. I have a serious question – how do you manage all these writing with all other responsibilities? Besides your job, are everything done by your wife which means you have no responsibilities? Then you must be a really lucky person! Congrats also for having such a beautiful life partner.
    The camel analogy is fantastic.
    Congrats again for your writings. Wish for many many 200th posts to come.

  10. WAY TO GO, ARNAB, WAY TO GO!!! I’ve been reading ur blog for some time now and I hugely enjoy it. I, too love movies. Good, bad or ugly, gimme movies anyday, so I freak out on ur reviews, needless to say the ones which feature in “so bad that they are good”. I love ur subjects, love ur writing, makes me feel closer to home. Typical Cal sense of humour. Me, a Calcuttan living in Delhi now, so U can understand how it feels to get a whiff of Cal in ur writing. Thank U!! Once a Calcuttan, always a Calcuttan….and let’s be exactly that way!!

    Here’s wishing U many, many, many, many such posts!!

  11. ROFL..

    “A red-headed Osama who drives an armoured truck to his madrasa, headed by the strict Talib Weatherbee. There he hangs around with fellow Jihadis talking about girls, parties and of course world domination, atom bombs and Western imperialism. His best friend is Umar Jughead, whose eyes are perennially closed. He hates women (opposes healthcare for the female species), loves burgers and enjoys blowing up historic statues. Reggie al-Zawahiri is the slick guy always trying to show off his knowledge of politics and explosive devices. Moose Mullar is the dumb suicide bomber who has been trying to blow himself for years but never seems to be able to find the switch.”

    The best part!! Umar Jughead! ROFL..

    Maa is my all time favourite movie.. Aruna Irani and Jaya Prada have haunted me ever since.. Dheere Dheere.. :P

    Congratulations on your 200th post! :)

    Nirwa

  12. dinosaur says:
    Congratualations! good going for a recently born biped.

    i was delighted when the left and the bjp found themselves condemning the bush visit to india. kudos to bush for uniting these two, albeit in the protest mode.

    quite an instance of some things that we never thought would happen.

  13. :D
    Congratulations greatbong.

    @ yourfan: what happened to your idea of GB Fan club??? You said mooooonths back that you would be the president. Lemme be an insignificant member.

    Just curious.. :-)

  14. YOURFAN writes:
    @ Ritzy: Hello, where did I say that I want to be the president of GB fan club? Actually, I asked yourfan2 to be the first Yourfan mainly because his admiration and support is much much stronger than mine. He also writes more eloquently than me. Besides, I don’t believe that just because I started to use the moniker Yourfan the earliest, I have the right to remain first. I also asked another fan (I forgot his name but I remember the incident) who wished he could be a part of Yourfan club (sadly there is none yet) to use the moniker but he is still using his name. Anyway, you can definitely be Yourfan then I shall call myself Yourfan3 – I have no problem with the hierarchy!! By the way, why do you think yourself to be an insignificant member – you are just as important as any other readers of GB.
    Yourfan for the time being!!

    @ swapnil: Are you Jaya Pradha’s alter ego? If yes, I understand your comment. If not, then I think you suck.

  15. Greatbong,
    You’ve triggered another fond childhood memory – that epic called ‘Maa’. “Saawan mein jab aayega”…remember singing this song in an endless loop, till all the kids in my building started to disown me. Kumar Sanu at his melancholic (and of course..nasal) best going “Aaine ke sau tukde…”
    This movie also featured the brilliantest (sic) dog EVER. I still remember the scene where it rescues Jeetendra’s kid, left out in the sun to burn to a crisp , and applies ‘Burnol’ to the baby’s wounds…

    Suhail,
    “J Pro” – m/ LMAO!!!

  16. Sighhhhhh….. Jayaprada…I kind of shared Satayjit Ray’s opinion on her looks- the lady breaks my fuckin’ heart again and again. Can’t she find more decent company than “lord of the rings” Bappida and pot bellied Amar Singh ?

  17. @Anil: I dont know…they should have asked Ms Stone. I am not keeping my fingers crossed. And any comment that has 2 links and above gets caught as spam.

    @Patrix: Hmm possible. Happy St Patrix Day…

    @Bongopondit: Hope you had a good nights sleep and no hangovers.

    @Suhail: Thank you….once Jeetandra goes black he wont go back.

    @yourfan2: Thanks for the emailed link. As to where and how I watched BI, I shall leave that for another post. Suffice to say it was not a cinema theatre. Did you see it in Jamuna?

    @arZan: Thank you…I applied for a google adsense and YPN a week ago…still havent heard from them.

    @Chetan: Thank you…I dont think a nomination for Jaya is crazy enough—Yasser Arafat actually won this award…so Jaya is par for the course.

    @Varsha: And get into trouble with Amar Singh and get boycotted by Amitabh?….not a chance.

    @Pratyush: Thanks

    @Abhi: Perhaps they have a point. When they are kids, they dont realize they are watching something haram. Only when they get old, that their way of reading Archies comics changes.

    @Anon: Stolen some lines? And used them as—pickup lines? Good luck.

    @Yourfan: There is one such person. Me. Since I wrote them. And as to whats done by my wife, she is very supportive—-and I dont have to do much around the house except the driving to different places. Which leaves me lot of time for blogging. To be honest, writing the post doesnt take a lot of time—and the thinking for the post is done while driving and other daily private moments.

    @Rahul: Yep.

    @Vimal: Yes Calcutta rocks….no doubt.

    @Nirwa…thanks. Yes “Maa” is a haunting movie..

    @Swati: The Left, the right (Hindus and Muslims)—all of them came together. Such is the effect of Bush.

    @Nautilus: As I said, worse people have won the Prize…so whats a nomination here and there.

    @Ritzy: Thank you…

    @Swapnil: Thank you also.

    @Confused: 1000….yes let see how many years that takes.

    @Joy Forever: Lets see they come before me in ways I do not understand.

    @Tapan: Yess….Aiyon ke sau tukde….and that oversmart kid….with that song “Looooooo main chup gya” song.

    @Anon: No it seems she cant.

  18. The all-time best joke that I recall concerning the Basic Instinct movie was from the Late Show starring David Letterman (this was early 1990s). Sharon Stone came on and joked about her role and the infamous scene (which I never saw btw) in which she doesn’t where jettie and the camera see all the way up to her acting ability. She referred to it (inexplicably) as “seeing all the way up to Nebraska.”

    Letterman quipped, “Nebraska? I thought Oregon?”

    That is subtle humor.

    Hint: Google state nicknames.

  19. @Amit: Thanks for that great link.

    @Michael: Yes eager beaver.

    @Nautilus: Great news….one more must-watch movie before I die.

    @Nikhil: Deliberate my friend—nothing is a coincidence.

  20. Arnab, Congrats on your 200th post. How did I miss this !!

    Keep going.

    Heres a feedback..sometimes I feel you overreact to the people who comment on your blog.

    BTW, do you have the stats of how many unique people has commented on your blog (excluding the Anons)?

  21. Mubarak ho!
    But dont you think any given ‘n’th post, can be a milestone? So why dont people be happy at the 201th post? Or the 40th post, or the 151th, or the 123rd post, or 210 for that matter. Next it will be ‘this is my 231st post and im happy because 231 is divisible by 7, which was my age x years ago’. Please be fair. Like 200, even 231 is a whole number!
    End of attempt at pulling your leg :-)

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  23. Hi Arnab,

    Congratulations on the double hundred …hope to see you cross many such milestones.

    As it happens, I am always late in commenting on your posts …there’s a simple explanation to it. I generally don’t get time to read, and hence comment, every day …usually like to pile up the stuff and go through them leisurely on a Friday evening, such as this one, or the weekend ..or generally when I have time on my hands and/or pressure off my head.

    And needless to add ..but I still will : you ROCK !

    ~ Krishanu

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  26. I was going through your archives (and chuckling to myself) on a lazy Sunday afternoon, Greatbong, when I found out a gaffe that is surprising from you. Moose of the Archie comics has the surname of Mason, not Miller. Moose Miller is the eponymous moustachioed lazy bugger from the b/w comics by Bob Weber, that used to come out in the Sunday Telegraph magazine. Surely that was a Freudian slip?

    P.S. I love reading your blog, especially the entries on growing up in 1980s’ Calcutta (with Basic Instinct, Pooja Bedi and Sharodiya Anandalok).

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