Indecent Exposure

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Valentine’s day is coming up. No this is not a Karan Johar—-Yash Chopra movie promotion. This means everywhere in India, frustrated right wing ladies and gentlemen (as well their extreme left-winger compatriots) will take to the streets and try to vandalize shops selling Valentine’s days cards and intimidate couples celebrating Feb 14th. Now I am all for taking down valentine’s day which I consider nothing but a part of a larger obscene capitalist-Judaic conspiracy (this nexus has been blamed for 9/11, the Tsunami and most things in recent history so why not this?) to make money by generating a need where none should exist. Why cant a simple “I love you” do ? Why the need for an elaborate card with cheesy music and a profusion of the color red? Which brings me to an abiding mystery—why do love and communism share the same color? That I shall focus on in another post but here let me come to the point—that being the obsession with non-issues that the loony fringes of political opinion share.

In India the extreme ends of the political spectrum have always taken the role of the moral police, protecting the unwashed masses from the perils of debauchery. The Hindutva saffron police has gone after men in Tata Institute of Fundamental Research wearing shorts (male exposure is an issue I feel very strongly about–it should be banned), set fire to Archies card galleries (something which I do not endorse but fully understand) and stopped the “Kaanta-laga” girl from doing public performances because she wears low-rider jeans showing a bit of thong in the original music video (paraphrasing Sisco from the “Thong song”—it’s wrong, ra-wrong, ra-wrong ). Their most outrageous moral moment occurred when Sushma Swaraj became Information and Broadcasting Minister and informed us that newscasters on the staid state-run Doordarshan had been wearing transparent saris—something that she wanted to be stopped immediately. Do any of you recollect frustrated, hyper-hormonal young men flocking to watch the 8:40 “Samachar” to get an insider’s view of the day’s news? I am sure you do not cause it never happened. How do I know? Cause I was one of these young men and the 8:40 samachar was never on the top or even in the middle of our to-watch lists. Yet the same Atlases of morality promoted crotch-grabbing Wacko Jacko’s Mumbai concert———there was no obscenity there of course because the Bal Thackeray family (the most outrageous voice of the saffron brigade) were doing the event management.

The left is never left behind on these issues. They went after Kentucky Fried Chicken (now Kitchen Fresh Chicken…..if there can ever be anything as kitchen fresh) which they felt was an instrument of imperialism ——-just imagine going upto a KFC drivethrough and being asked “How would you like your imperialism sir—classic or extra crispy?” When the Miss World contest was held in India the leftists formed the first line of defense against the commodization of the female form—–preventing tickets from being sold and in general causing such a nuisance that the swim suit round has to be shifted to Mauritius. The leftists——god when will they get the point? What they should have done is campaign to keep the swimsuit round in India and kick the idiotic question-answer round to some other country——-after all who watches Miss World for those rehearsed hypocritical answers and flashing of the pearly whites?

Now listen to me soldiers of both brigades. I want to make my own choices. If I am brain-dead enough to watch a non-event like a beauty pageant, you have no right to stop me from doing so. If my wife really expects me to buy her a card and waste my money and I do so, you have no right to stop me from being hen-pecked. Is the freedom of the individual in a free society too much for you people to understand? I am an adult and I like my newscasters in gossamer thin saris ——-can you read my lips or as the “Kaanta Laga” girl would say can you read my hips?

So what has prompted my latest outburst? A bunch of Islamic fundamentalist stiff shirts have gone about defacing and vandalizing “obscene” advertisements in UK——-it’s the same thing a constituent of the loony left in Bengal called SUCI (god knows what they stand for) used to do to “A” rated posters in Kolkata (mostly dubbed Southie movies starring Silk Smitha or Disco Shanti or Nylon Nalini) . Aah when will they ever learn?

I wish I could tell all these people, the homegrown as well as the London ones what Robin Williams in “Good Morning Vietnam” says to his superior: “You’re in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in history! “. I wish I could say that but then again I do not want the fellowship of morality painting a black blob on your screen.

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