The Greatest Conspiracy—–Ever !

The greatest mystery in the world———-what is the Holy Grail ? How were the pyramids constructed ? Who made the scribblings in the Nazca desert?

No sir.

It is—” Who character-assassinated the Pandavas ? And why?”

The first answer we still do not know. (I have my hypothesis—will talk about it at the end) But some of the greatest minds of this age have at last put their fingers on the answer to the second.

It was all a part of an insidious plot to denigrate Hinduism.

Think about it for a second. The Vedas did not allow a woman to have multiple husbands. Neither does the Indian Penal Code for that matter. Yet why is Draupadi shown as 5 husbanded ? Is the story of Kunti not looking back and saying “share it among yourself” believable ? I mean the Mahabharata is such a “believable” story grounded in reality—why then this point of aberration where something patently illogical has been inserted into an uber-realistic narrative?

Who put the naughty bits in ? Why did Puneet Issar sneer “Paanch Patiyon Wali Panchali” at Draupadi and point to his unmentionables ? Was that part of the original Mahabharata or did some pondy theatre wallah punch that one in for the sake of “masala” ?

Even thinking about it makes me livid. Had Ashwathama not killed off Draupadi’s offsprings, they surely should have sued for libel. Actually Janamejaya should have done it had he not been so goddamn busy with that Sarpajagna.

Just look at the way Pandavas comes off in the Mahabharata. Pandu, the man who started it all, is a weakling who cannot consummate his marriage with 2 voluptuous beauties—at least Madri was one according to the Mahabharata.

Hold it. He is not the man who started it all. He himself was produced by the dubious union of a very unclean, unhygenic sadhu and a shocked Rani who turned pale at the ordeal. (A standard arranged marriage suhag raat scenario).

If the calumny had been only directed towards the menfolk, it would be kind of okay. Kunti comes off even worse. Pre-marital sex and abandoning the baby. In today’s world she would be on the Maury show as a guest in “Who’s your real mummy?” And then if one indiscretion is not enough—-she keeps on “getting jiggy with it ” even after marriage so much so that all her kids have different fathers none of them being her legal husband. She even gets Madri in on the act —she begets children with the lord of the horses —–nudge nudge wink wink. (hung like a ….)

Pandu dies in a transport of passion……and his sons end up sharing the same wife. The eldest has a gambling problem, the next one is a glutton, the third one is arrogant and was also an eunuch for a year and the last two ones did nothing of note. Oh , will the shame never end?

Just one small matter though . If someone tries to rewrite (as the sages are doing) the Mahabharata with the 5 husband thing bowdlerized , then how will the writers explain Yudhisthir’s right to gamble away Draupadi —-does gambling away his brother’s wife make him look more heroic ? How would Draupadi’s sin of loving Arjuna more than the rest be explained if he is her only husband ?

Well who cares ? I am sure suitable modifications can be made to explain all these small issues—after all remember how George Lucas developed a romantic angle between Skywalker and Leia (even made them kiss passionately) in Star Wars and then made them brother-sister in subsequent editions to resolve the triangle brewing between them and Han Solo ?

Now the last part of the puzzle—who spread these horrible rumors about the characters of Kunti and Draupadi ? I think I know who.

Bekarna. Yes. The guy who escaped. The only Kaurav who was spared by the Pandavas to look after Dhritarashtra and Gandhari. Did you ever hear of him after that? No you did not. Because he vanished and spun the spin of all spins.

What he could not do with weapons he did with his “media manipulation” so much so that the abiding image of Duryodhana will always be the hero vanquished on the battlefield by unfair means—dying but not broken.

While Draupadi shall always be remembered as the lady who had 5 husbands none of whom stood up for her when she was being disrobed.

13 thoughts on “The Greatest Conspiracy—–Ever !

  1. Funny !!!!!!!

  2. Hi,

    Came here from Aparna’s Blog. Great Writing!

  3. Dear Greatbong!

    Great reading however my view are maybe our forefather or five( as pandavas may say) were really liberated lot . I mean rolling in hay before marriage for Kunti was not only accepted but both she and draupadi are considered to be “ideal women” even in our saffron wallah’s list.

    To start with the name of son of Shantanu VICHITRAVIRYA (roughly translated in queens means “one with weird semen” )- I believe that guy is first reported case of STD ( not the phone- the other one !!) and that is reason why the sadhu was involved in bringing Dhatrashtra & Pandu ( what kind of name – any connection with Mumbai Police hawaldar).

    After that Pandu was forbid to roll in hay because of the AIDS (may be) and he asked Kunti and Madri to make hay while sun shine( KUNTI already had- Karna) hence the Pandav’s were born.

    Dhatrashtra although blind had an literal eye popping appetite for sex and had 100 sons – well come to think of it discounting twins Gandhari had to have pregnancy extended for 900 month( ruling out early delivery- that is 75 years!!.). More likely scenario is that Dhatrashatra making merry with palace staff and other minor queens and all adding up to Gandharis’ tally. They were all Dhatrashtra’s son all right but not all Gandhari’s son.

    Draupadi – who came out of Fire and actually came as a BONUS issue with his son which in turn had a specific purpose to avenge his his father Drupad’s feud with Guru Droanacharya.

    Actually I also believe that all these connection with sages & various assorted lords “giving boon” for son must have been added later to justify some real wild time our ancestor has and now being denied why the VHP and ilk.

    However to inform you legal Eagle Ram Jethmalani has two lawful wives as IPC only prohibited polygamy as late as 1955.

    Keep writing


  4. Loved the trivia about “Dwichali Ram Jethmalani”

  5. I do not what to with part of Indian mythology.

    Lord Ayappa, very popular down south, is the son of Shiva and Vishnu. No! they are not Canadian citizens.

  6. Why do you think the humping around started with Pandu’s birth ?
    Santanu too was hormonally charged enough to sit and watch while his ‘wife’ drowned their kids. And hey – Pandu’s dad (at least the one whose name is on his birth certificate) was called Vichitravirya. I think that means ‘Strange Sperm’ !

  7. An epic in wrong hands. They should have made you read it in Sanskrit and let you translate. Blame them for making it easy for you guys. 🙂

  8. Bhalo kono topic na thakle purono text gulor opobaad na korai bhalo……onek kichhu achhe baje bokar jonno

  9. Well there is avery good book on Mahabrata translated in english..
    Its an interesting read

  10. hey why not write something on the koran since you have a funny take on mahabhartha

  11. the whole story of mahabharata revolves around draupadi and her 5 husbands…
    i don’t understand your idea.. .according to you if mahabharata is a real story more than 80% of the plot is altered and if it is a fiction then the writer is to be blamed for conspiracy against hinduism

  12. yada yada hi dharmasya glanir bhavati bharata…..
    abhyutanam adharmasya……….
    tadatmanam srijanmaham……….
    paritranay sadhunam…………..
    vinashnay cha dushkritam…….
    dharma sansthapanarthay….
    smbhavami yuge yuge……….

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