Many many years hence…
Spontaneous displays of grief were witnessed out all over the city as the death of Imran Kissme, the doyen of Hindi movies, was announced on TV India. At 12:00 midnight, Dr. Rekha Sexena (who this correspondent has gathered has been having a hot affair with her gardener for a year now), chief medical officer at the private hospital he had been admitted to for lip-reconstruction surgery, announced to the assembled press that Mr Kissme passed away peacefully in his sleep of causes unknown.
As soon as the news of his death spread, mobs of heartbroken fans swarmed the streets—wailing in high-pitched nasal Reshmmaic tones, crying out “Woh Lamhe”, setting buses ablaze, vandalizing public property and looting shops—actions which led to the RAF being deployed at many places.
“He took Kissme away from us”–weeped a disconsolate fan, pointing to the sky. Then he pointed to an electronics gadget store, whose doors had been ripped away from its sockets, and said “And He shall pay” as he proceeded to carry away a wide-screen holgraphic device.
The correspondent caught up with another group of students, who were throwing stones and debris at the offices of Microsoft Research, one of the world’s oldest companies. When this correspondent asked why they were trying to vandalize Microsoft, one of the leaders, his eyes red with anger and tears said:
“We owe everything to Imran-ji. Countless generations of young men have used the Kissme Gambit to get girls to take off their top (reference: ” Aashiq Banana Aap Ke” where he gets the heroine to take off her upper garment in order to show that she trusts him)—and now he is no more. He made “adultery” a household word—in addition to “adulteration” which had always been part of our lexicon. The world as we know is over.”
Of course the connection between that and throwing stones at Microsoft Research was not made. But then again logical consistency was never the strong point of Kissme’s work.
The chief minister was quick to absolve all fans of Imran Kissme of guilt. According to him, the violence was instigated by “special interests” and though he knew who it was, he was not telling.
Elsewhere statues of the other doyen of Indian movies: Dino Moronia were attacked by irate fans. Just like Karunanidhi’s statues were after MGR’s death many eons ago.
Reacting to Kissme’s death, Bhatt Patel (the love-child of Mukesh Bhatt and Amisha Patel), whose father Mukesh Bhatt made a record number of movies with Kissme kept looking at the camera, cross eyed with a blank expression on his face–all the while struggling to speak. Ultimately he could only flutter his eyelids.
In late breaking news, curfew has been clamped in anticipation of greater violence as news filtered out that Dave Anand, currently housed at the Museum of Natural History, is planning to do a biopic based on Imran Kissme’s life (called Kiss the Girls) with Dave-ji himself essaying the role of the superstar.