Hoooo hoooo, hoooo hoooo, hoooo hoooo
Aao sunao pyar ki ek kahani,
Ek tha ladka ek thi ladki deewani,
–Lyrics of a song from Krrish
The moment I read that Taran Adarsh had given Krrish his whole-hearted endorsement, my spidey sense started tingling. After all, this is Taran Adarsh we are talking about —the diabolical reviewer whose taste in movies is only rivalled by Monica Bedi’s taste in men.
But then against my better judgement, I sat through Krrish.
A few hours later as the end credits rolled, I felt as miserable and drained as Superman would feel after he has just been submerged in a vat of liquid kryptonite.
Derivative and unoriginal with flaccid dialogues and a basic plot as old as the hills, Krrish is a super disaster of a movie that Superman, Spiderman and Batman working together cannot save.
The movie opens with the first and only wonderous thing you will see in three hours—Rekha playing a grandmother [And this from the lady who insisted that in order to play the “mother” in Mother 98, the girl had to be 16 years old]. Her grandchild is Krishna, a super-genius, super-powerful young man-child, who was withdrawn from school when he was a kid by Rekha (reasons for that to be revealed later)—his superpowers being inherited from his father who was “touched” by an alien (kept on reminding me of Cartman from “South Park” and the alien anal probes)
Growning up in the hills racing a white stallion he jumps around, with gay abandon, wearing very little clothes as women and happy men ogle his bulging biceps. But he is not happy—-a young man, with raging hormones, he feels alone and in a touching scene confesses to granny that he is sick and tired of being only with animals.
Anyhoo, into his lonely life comes Priya—-whose eyelid fluttering, gasping and oooh-aahing damsel-in-perennial-distress character is essayed with Amesha Patelian “deer caught in the headlights” gusto by Priyanka Chopra.
Priya is rescued from a parachute malfunction by our hero Krishna in a sequence inspired by “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon” and then the movie follows the plot template of”Ram Teri Ganga Maili” (yes that 1980s Raj Kapoor skinfest where the mountain girl falls in love with the saheri babu while bathing under waterfalls) Of course this is the 2000s—the story is reversed with the gullible mountain goat sorry guy, showing off his sculpted torso at every opportunity, while falling in love with the smart, city girl. There is also a totally lame comedic sub-angle where Priya thinks Krishna is a ghost that drags on and on and one could not be blamed for forgetting that this is a superhero movie he/she is watching.
Priya leaves for Singapore (she is a reporter ala Lois Lane) after her sojourn in the mountains and Krishna, the male Shakuntala, is heartbroken. Back in her media office, however Priya and her friend, a cleavage-displaying lady called Honey, come to the realization that Krishna’s awesome powers could make a great, headline-grabbing story. And so Priya calls Krishna over the phone, feigns love (yes we all know where this is heading) and asks Krishna to come over to Singapore to ask for her hand in marriage from her mother.
Yes this is a superhero movie. Bear with me.
Krishna then comes to Singapore—like King Kong was brought to New York to be shown to the world. Here a fire in a circus (Batman and Robin wink wink) and certain other circumstances make him don a mask (somewhat like the Zorro mask but somewhat more ornate—like the ones worn by the men and women at the orgy in “Eyes Wide Shut”) and a Neo-type black trenchcoaty cape and become India’s first superhero (let’s forget Mr. India, Shahenshah, Shaktiman and Mithunda for a few moments)—–Krrish.
As TOI so politically correctly points out, he then becomes ” too busy wooing his lady love and saving yuppie chinks in Singapore” and crossing wits with an orang-otang named (Chairman) Mao. In the process he reveals a “chink” or two in his armour—that being a tendency to copy in toto Neo’s “Matrix” moves.
There is a villain Dr. Siddhanth Arya (played by Naseeruddin Shah) who has plans for world domination using a “look into the future” machine that looks, down to the last detail, like the future reading machine in “Paycheck”. Anyway Dr. Arya has a rather irritating habit of looking into the camera and pretending to be a newscaster ala Rakesh Bedi’s Khabarilal character in “Tiranga”. Somehow this is supposed to numb my brain with great fear but the only thing I kept thinking was how the government should pay Naseer a certain sum a year so that he does not waste his talent going after money and doing these ridiculous roles.
Hrittik Roshan, the greatest male beef-cake of his times, plays yet another romantic lead except that here he has some exceptional powers (for instance he can jump higher than Jeetendra). Therein lies the single biggest problem with Krrish—it is just another Bollywood formula romance story with a superhero angle fitted in to make it unique (or as they say “hatke”).
Which is why Krrish has no superhero-like, larger-than-life character and certainly no flair. He also has no great lines (like AB had in Shahenshah)—I mean how bad does the script have to be when the best lines are delivered by Priyanka Chopra : “Doge ya pahenaoge?”
Priyanka Chopra is hot but her screen time is as soothing as the sound of fingernails scraping a chalkboard. As mentioned before, Naseer is a washout. And without doubt, Rekha is the hottest granma ever that has walked the desi screen.
The only saving grace: CGI effects that are way beyond anything that Bollywood has seen. Remember that the state-of-art was “Rudraksh” where the special effects of Sanjay Dutt and Suniel Shetty fighting against the background of screensavers was slightly less believable than Bipasha Basu being a professor from University of California and having bikini-clad blonde research assistants.
Summing up, Krrish will be enjoyed by a few classes of people: 1) those that want to salivate over Hrittik’s sculpted body, 2)those who have yet to appreciate the grandness of good “superhero” movies because they have not been exposed to the real stuff 3) the Taran Adarshes of the world and 4) those who want to see a formulaic love-story no matter how many times they have seen it before (this point added based on this comment).
Of course there are more than enough people in theseÂ four categories to make Krrish a super duper hit.
For the rest, “avvoid” it like the “pllague”.