Him

63 Comments

Silence. Total darkness. Save for a circle of blinding light in the middle of the room. And at the centre of the circle of illumination a man, chained to a chair with electrodes placed all over his body.

He is naked. Stripped off all clothes.

Except for a baseball cap on his head.

Presently, the silence is shattered by the pitter-patter of heavy shoes on gravel as a man steps into the light from out of the shadows. Dressed in a black suit and wearing dark shades, he leans forward and smiles at the prisoner.

“Good evening. My name is Agent Z. I am here to have a chat. And ask some questions.”

The prisoner looks up—-his eyes the center of a still cyclone of hatred.

Holding up a newspaper Agent Z reads:

If you are sick and tired of watching singer Himesh Reshamiya all over the place, then beware – you may soon suffer from the M3 phobia.

M3 or the mega music movement that also goes by the name of sangeet, sur and surror movement has been kick-started by Himesh.

So get set to learn music form the Himesh Reshamiya School of Music, wear your love for him on your sleeve by buying dresses from his clothing line, get a recording deal under his music label, drink coffee at his music cafe and pit your talent against others in his music reality shows.

“Himesh Reshammiya as a brand is an emotional and good human being and wants to work hard and continue to do so,” Himesh said.

First in the line is the HR School of Music. With eight centres in four metros, the schools will be functional in the next two or three months.

His fashion label, designed along the lines of his songs, surror, jhalak, aashiq and jhoom, kicks off with T-shirts that will hit the local stores soon.

Himesh will also be endorsing a new brand called Denim Jeans and Casuals (DJ&C). Brand Himesh is being promoted by Future Group who has brands like Pantaloons and Big Bazaar to their credit.

Agent Z stares straight into the defiant eyes of the prisoner.

“So Mr. Reshammiya, why don’t you start by telling us about this M3 movement—this massive conspiracy to corrupt the youth of our nation and bring down the political system through sangeet, sur and suroor ? You think you are very smart? You think we do not know that when a man or a woman buys a Reshammiya Tshirt, his or her soul becomes sold to you? You think we have not cottoned on to the fact that you are trying to start a new religion? That these so-called Schools of Music are nothing but devious churches whose only job is to preach that there is only one true saviour—the “emotional and good” Himesh Reshammiya?

The prisoner tries to turn his face away as Agent Z’s words and the frothing spit that accompanies it hits him square in the eye.

Agent Z laughs—humourless and cruel.

“I am sick and I am tired of you Mr. Reshammiya. Turn on the TV and it’s you. Board an autorickshaw and it’s you. Go to the temple and I can hear your music blaring from outside. My little daughter’s CD case is full of your albums. My wife wears revealing “jhalak” tops and all the “aashiq” T-shirt-wearing lowlives flirt with her singing ” Jhalak Dikla Jaa”.

You, sir, are a virus. A cancer. You need to be eradicated. ”

The prisoner smiles back—flashing a challenge with his eyes. He knows that while Agent Z may have stripped him naked and shorn him off his dignity, it was his named apparel that was touching the Agent’s wife and it was his songs that she sung to herself as she took her shower. Soon, very soon, she would surrender herself totally to him. Like many others.

Agent Z realizes that his manhood is being silently mocked.

The smell of fear permeates the room.

Agent Z takes another piece of paper and reads.

Bollywood’s reigning music sensation, Himesh Reshammiya, is in love with telly actress, Sounia Kapur.

Both are in a denial mode, but sources say, Sounia and Himesh became more than pally during the US tour and they were virtually inseparable in the UK.

Sounia is seen in the SAB show Ishq Ki Ghanti, and has done television serials like ‘Sati’ (SaharaOne), ‘Remix’ (Star One) and ‘Kaisa Ye Pyar Hai’ (Sony) as well as the Hindi play, ‘Yeh Tedha Ghar Yeh Medha Ghar’.

Himesh is a married man, with a son.

Agent Z sneers: “emotional and good eh Mr Reshammiya?”

The prisoner stays silent. He closes his eyes…blotting out the stench of Agent Z’s breath and the heat and the sweat and transports himself to another place, another time—-the intoxicating smell of aromatic candles, the comfort of a luxurious suite in a hotel room, the wanton calisthenics on a king-size bed and the reassuring realization that by simply turning off your cellphone, you can avoid your wife’s interference in your love life.

Brought out of his reverie by the heavy breathing of Agent Z, he is forced to endure his torturer’s tortured whisper: “I don’t think you understand what trouble you are in Mr. Reshammiya. If I want I can send 440 volts of electricity through your “Ishq ki Ghanti” ……and trust me I shall, if you continue to stay silent.”

Agent Z reads on...

Himesh Reshammiya promises to answer all FAQs about himself in his semi-autobiographical film Aap Ka Suroor-The real Love Story coming in June. “People ask me why I wear a cap, never smile and why I always lose the girl in my music videos,” says the singer. “The film has all the answers’’. The movie will be based on his own love story. Shot in 18 countries, the film pairs two actresses opposite him, and will feature nine of his biggest hits. The buzz is that the actor-singer has roped in a foreign actor to play the lead. “It’s still too early to give out details,” says Reshammiya mysteriously.

Agent Z’s face is now improperly close to the prisoner’s.

“No Mr Reshammiya, I cannot wait for the movie to be released. I need to know. I need to know now. Why you always lose the girl in the music video? Who paid 75 crores to finance this movie? Why you never smile? And why oh why do you wear a baseball cap? Please…I need to know.. I need to know…tell me baby girl cause I need to know.”

The prisoner breaks his silence.

“You made a big mistake Agent Z. You have tied my hands, you have put small clamps in bad places and you have even wired up the Chotemiya of Reshammiya. However you forgot one thing.”

“What the hell…?”

“You forgot to gag me.”

Before Agent Z can react, the prisoner unleashes a blood-curdling “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaann ………. nnhhhhhhhhhhhhhh “. Agent Z, caught in the sonic boom, is flung away. Metal and wood splinter and fly all over. Tongues of blue electricity leap outwards. The prisoner sings “Tera surroooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr…………” drowning out the disembodied voice in the background:

“Level 1 security breach. Facility lockdown. Quarantine process activated. Biohazard uncontained and dangerous.”

Agent Z clutches his ears in pain. Blood trickles down his fingers—his ear drums have been blasted to smithereens. Even worse, a rib displaced from its cage by the sonic blast has punctured his heart.

As he drifts away into the next world, seared by a blinding moment of pain, the last thing he sees is the naked figure of the baseball-cap-wearing prisoner, free of his shackles, leap ten feet into the air and lay low the security guards with his vocal punches.

———————–

Epilogue:

Agent Z awakes. A green field. A bright cloudless sky above. A gentle breeze. He feels peace. And he feels light.

A kindly bearded man comes upto him and says:

“My son, welcome to heaven. Peace and goodwill be to you.”

The man is wearing a baseball cap.

And his white gown says “Aap ka Suroor”.

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63 thoughts on “Him

  1. Too good GB!!!! Himesh is supposedly India’s first ROCK STAR… I think, there is something special about a particular narrow band of painfully soothing frequencies that only three creatures know – Himesh, Altaf Raja, and mosquitoes !!!!

  2. Been reading your blog for quite some time. This was too good. True, Himesh Reshammiya is omnipresent. There is absolutely no escape. The worst situation is when you enter a hotel and are about to begin eating and you hear ‘ooooonnh’.

  3. hehh!! awesome!

    //you have even wired up the Chotemiya of Reshammiya.
    //a blood-curdling “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaann ………. nnhhhhhhhhhhhhhh “
    heh!! how appropriate 😀 LMAO!
    himesh really MUST be stopped from taking over the world.. sigh.

  4. I held a similar view to yours…however as I listen more to the guy I realise he does give some wonderfully new music…so what if he is loud, irritating, fashions himself as a rock star… we do not need to like the person to appreciate his accomplishments… right? all of his music will certainly not stand the test of time….but most of his music is music of the time…fact remains both the masses and the classes like him….some of the latter however would rather not be seen liking him. We need to keep watching the guy some more as one gets the feeling Mr Reshammiya is still evolving and it may be too early to do a ‘life and times of himesh reshammiya’

  5. Who is agent Z ? Who’s alter ego it is ? 🙂

    Shall we nominate Himesh for “Mithunda” award of the year or may be “Mahesh Bhatt” award of the year ?

  6. Just awesome Arnab.

    Heard that Himesh makes the ghosts dance to his tunes!! The only others who could do the same were the legendary Goopy Bagha duo.

    Himesh is coming to Kolkata for a live performance on the 19th. Want to come over? Maybe,one can meet the “Bhuter Raja” himself in the VIP enclosure!!!!!

  7. My daughter has just seen the promos of THE MOVIE on the tv. She says she will buy the original version, not pirated stuff.

    So, hey you ALL CAPS PEOPLE
    BUY THE ORIGINAL
    STOP PIRACY
    MAKE HIM MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND M0000000000000OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR
    AFFLUENT,IF NOT STINKING RICH.

  8. Hey Greatbong,

    Just 2 good. U shud seriously consider script writing.
    Its not that bad a profession, and rakes in moolah 2.
    The best part is that the audience wud b able 2 get such maddening scenes, like the one you just wrote.

    N this Reshammiya guy has got a Midas touch, say whtever.

    Asset
    http://www.anshulseth.com

  9. Awesome stuff GB!
    And have you heard the latest “Tan-haaaaaaaaaaaaiyaan” song? Beats Mithunda’s “Haain” by a mile!
    Himesh ka suroor, humara kasoor?

  10. Arre yaar, how come his clothing line doesn’t include CAPS?? or are they ONLY for his use? 🙂

    Actually GB was waiting for this post when the Director of HR’s movie said the movie is based on HR’s real life. (Only problem being they were shooting a love song in switzerland…) 😀

  11. LOL..that was awesome…It’s sad people don’t realize that overdoing something is always going to get on the nerves of your audience. Himesh eventually is going to lose that section of the audience who might have liked him if he was so not “in your face” all the time.

  12. I am sick and I am tired of you Mr. Reshammiya. Turn on the TV and it’s you. Board an autorickshaw and it’s you.

    ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL ….

    The ubiquity of Mr. Reshamiya is unbeatable … and u r tooooooooooo gooooooood Orbnob babu … keep it up .. your blog bheeshon bhalo …

  13. GB – you are just jealous. I mean, here you are, a devout practising Mithunist and along comes this new guy who, within a short span of time, has amassed more devotees than Mithun. And as you have pointed out in the title, His name is conducive to Him being referred to as Him, whereas Mithun just rearranges to ‘him nut’. So, in future, please try to avoid stirring up Mithun – ‘Him’esh riots online.
    ‘Jai Reshamiya’, or is it ‘Reshamiya hu akbar’, or is it ‘Reshamiya saves’. Maybe it is all of them.

  14. ah! greatbong, the disadvantages of not being in Tamil nadu – the only place in India where you dont have Himesh staring our of every available wall space and blaring out of every loudspeaker.There are some good consquences to be enjoyed of the anti-hindi agitation of the 60’s:-)

  15. Wow! Simply superb! As many of the others have already suggested, you can be a very good Bollywood script writer.
    The line about the auto rickshaw… uff, you couldn’t be more correct. If there is one reason that keeps me happy when I am hanging in the front seat of an auto instead of sitting comfortably in the rear, it is the fact that Mr. Reshammiya’s voice sounds much lower in the front seat.
    And the last scene reminded me of Gladiator and… yes! RDB! With the internalisations properly in place, you can’t go wrong. It will be a definite hit. 🙂

  16. if only the torture sequence was true!!

    the hideously receding hairline explains the baseball cap

    and he seems to have misunderstood the concept of a ‘rockstar’ that himesh calls himsef.. total absence of any of the basic elements of rock, the guitar and the set of drums!! real ones i mean

  17. Pingback: DesiPundit » Archives » Him

  18. @All: Thanks for the kind words of appreciation. For those who love Himesh, my opinion of Himesh is that he is a fairly decent music composer who is as good/bad as his competition. He however does have plans of world domination…that is somehing I firmly believe. But no doubt, Himesh rokes…:-)

  19. Not exactly a comment to the post but related to Him.

    Today he was telling that being called a nasal singer is a compliment and that “Nusrat” “Burman” “Mukesh” also sung through nose. And that he has given 37 hits this year.

  20. daaaaaaaaaaarnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn goooooooooood

    i rotfl at the tell me baby girl cos i need to u know link in between the post

    ur sense of humor awesome!!!
    way to go!!!!!

  21. HE IS BST GR8EST SINGR COMPOSR EKTR IN WRLD WITH ALL JLUS 4 HIS FEM POPLRITY SUKXESS…. Eh, what AM I doing……? It’s HIM! It’s HIM! HIMESH HATR SUKZ….Aaaaaaaaaaaaa…..

  22. Himesh now compares himself to Mukesh and RDB. Link

    Music director-turned-singer-turned-actor Himesh Reshammiya is in news and this time for a wrong reason. Reportedly he made an offensive comment against noted music personalities like Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Mukesh and R D Burman.

    During an event when he was accused of singing through nose, Himesh counterattacked by targeting the above mentioned personalities and asking why weren’t they ever accused of the same?

    No Wonder Asha Bhonsle would like him slapped. 🙂

  23. im the girl who dies (well almost in every Himesh video)! i’am the girl evry slobby tear of the bard is dedicated to , im his poetry , his tanhayia and im not to coool with your rantings ..
    Arnab you have no sense of humor … or sentiment ..i think its a case of metro sexual jealousy …
    i bet you cant sing and your girlfriend beats you up in morse code …
    you have deeply and emotionally scarred the feelings of the divine gujju brotherhood..
    i hope you never attain Himeshs talent , popularity , charm or exeedingly good looks …
    ….

  24. @Beenu: Now I am confused… Are you a Dude or a Dudette, just making sure, because when it comes to Himesh there is only one Dude and that is Him.

  25. Excellent piece of Block by GB. Keep it up!!!!

    I am going to arrange HR Contest at my local sound proof tabela. Participants must wear a baseball cap, true or fake mustache, overcoat and any participant with a smile wud be dismissed immediately. The Participant’s would, however, not be able to bring any nasal pain drops or nasal enhancing medicine.

    Disclaimer: Audience are stated that I won’t be responsible for any damage for their hearing impairment.

  26. Pingback: More GreatBong Achievement Awards 2006 at Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind

  27. Pingback: HIM » Bong Buzz

  28. GreatBong..Brilliant Post Bondhu….My fave line from the post “…and you have even wired up the Chotemiya of Reshammiya”..Can’t stop laughing

  29. I dont think it wz funny at all that evry 1 of u is parising to sky.
    this is not him asking to play his music evry where if u guys dont like him cover ur ears damn it.
    this is media which spreads the hype not HIMESH.
    almost evry 1 likes his music and him.
    if u dont kike him then problem is in u.
    why dont u guys put ur self in his place and feel the disgusting vibes from it

  30. i dont think it wz funny.
    making fun of anyone in this disgusting way sucks
    if u dont like to here his music evry where ask ur autorickshaw wala to stop playing it.
    what the hell disgusting thing to read
    almost evry 1 is fan of his music why ur jealous man.
    he has reached here by hard work.
    he didnt say he is a god or he is dominating the world.
    these are the thinking of ur digusting creative minds and of media who creat such hype.

  31. “Please…I need to know.. I need to know…tell me baby girl cause I need to know.”
    ehehehehehe – can’t stop laughing!

  32. faiza i agree with you 300% that himesh rocks and these guys are nothing but just a bunch of pussies who are jealous and scared of lord himesh.He is gujarati, like i amn and he produces the most badass songs on this planet period. his jhalak dikhlaja remix song has killed 20 people. he is god and his name is lord himesh.

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