Silence. Total darkness. Save for a circle of blinding light in the middle of the room. And at the centre of the circle of illumination a man, chained to a chair with electrodes placed all over his body.
He is naked. Stripped off all clothes.
Except for a baseball cap on his head.
Presently, the silence is shattered by the pitter-patter of heavy shoes on gravel as a man steps into the light from out of the shadows. Dressed in a black suit and wearing dark shades, he leans forward and smiles at the prisoner.
“Good evening. My name is Agent Z. I am here to have a chat. And ask some questions.”
The prisoner looks up—-his eyes the center of a still cyclone of hatred.
Holding up a newspaper Agent Z reads:
If you are sick and tired of watching singer Himesh Reshamiya all over the place, then beware â€“ you may soon suffer from the M3 phobia.
M3 or the mega music movement that also goes by the name of sangeet, sur and surror movement has been kick-started by Himesh.
So get set to learn music form the Himesh Reshamiya School of Music, wear your love for him on your sleeve by buying dresses from his clothing line, get a recording deal under his music label, drink coffee at his music cafe and pit your talent against others in his music reality shows.
“Himesh Reshammiya as a brand is an emotional and good human being and wants to work hard and continue to do so,” Himesh said.
First in the line is the HR School of Music. With eight centres in four metros, the schools will be functional in the next two or three months.
His fashion label, designed along the lines of his songs, surror, jhalak, aashiq and jhoom, kicks off with T-shirts that will hit the local stores soon.
Himesh will also be endorsing a new brand called Denim Jeans and Casuals (DJ&C). Brand Himesh is being promoted by Future Group who has brands like Pantaloons and Big Bazaar to their credit.
Agent Z stares straight into the defiant eyes of the prisoner.
“So Mr. Reshammiya, why don’t you start by telling us about this M3 movement—this massive conspiracy to corrupt the youth of our nation and bring down the political system through sangeet, sur and suroor ? You think you are very smart? You think we do not know that when a man or a woman buys a Reshammiya Tshirt, his or her soul becomes sold to you? You think we have not cottoned on to the fact that you are trying to start a new religion? That these so-called Schools of Music are nothing but devious churches whose only job is to preach that there is only one true saviour—the “emotional and good” Himesh Reshammiya?
The prisoner tries to turn his face away as Agent Z’s words and the frothing spit that accompanies it hits him square in the eye.
Agent Z laughs—humourless and cruel.
“I am sick and I am tired of you Mr. Reshammiya. Turn on the TV and it’s you. Board an autorickshaw and it’s you. Go to the temple and I can hear your music blaring from outside. My little daughter’s CD case is full of your albums. My wife wears revealing “jhalak” tops and all the “aashiq” T-shirt-wearing lowlives flirt with her singing ” Jhalak Dikla Jaa”.
You, sir, are a virus. A cancer. You need to be eradicated. ”
The prisoner smiles back—flashing a challenge with his eyes. He knows that while Agent Z may have stripped him naked and shorn him off his dignity, it was his named apparel that was touching the Agent’s wife and it was his songs that she sung to herself as she took her shower. Soon, very soon, she would surrender herself totally to him. Like many others.
Agent Z realizes that his manhood is being silently mocked.
The smell of fear permeates the room.
Agent Z takes another piece of paper and reads.
Bollywood’s reigning music sensation, Himesh Reshammiya, is in love with telly actress, Sounia Kapur.
Both are in a denial mode, but sources say, Sounia and Himesh became more than pally during the US tour and they were virtually inseparable in the UK.
Sounia is seen in the SAB show Ishq Ki Ghanti, and has done television serials like ‘Sati’ (SaharaOne), ‘Remix’ (Star One) and ‘Kaisa Ye Pyar Hai’ (Sony) as well as the Hindi play, ‘Yeh Tedha Ghar Yeh Medha Ghar’.
Himesh is a married man, with a son.
Agent Z sneers: “emotional and good eh Mr Reshammiya?”
The prisoner stays silent. He closes his eyes…blotting out the stench of Agent Z’s breath and the heat and the sweat and transports himself to another place, another time—-the intoxicating smell of aromatic candles, the comfort of a luxurious suite in a hotel room, the wanton calisthenics on a king-size bed and the reassuring realization that by simply turning off your cellphone, you can avoid your wife’s interference in your love life.
Brought out of his reverie by the heavy breathing of Agent Z, he is forced to endure his torturer’s tortured whisper: “I don’t think you understand what trouble you are in Mr. Reshammiya. If I want I can send 440 volts of electricity through your “Ishq ki Ghanti” ……and trust me I shall, if you continue to stay silent.”
Himesh Reshammiya promises to answer all FAQs about himself in his semi-autobiographical film Aap Ka Suroor-The real Love Story coming in June. â€œPeople ask me why I wear a cap, never smile and why I always lose the girl in my music videos,â€ says the singer. â€œThe film has all the answersâ€™â€™. The movie will be based on his own love story. Shot in 18 countries, the film pairs two actresses opposite him, and will feature nine of his biggest hits. The buzz is that the actor-singer has roped in a foreign actor to play the lead. â€œItâ€™s still too early to give out details,â€ says Reshammiya mysteriously.
Agent Z’s face is now improperly close to the prisoner’s.
“No Mr Reshammiya, I cannot wait for the movie to be released. I need to know. I need to know now. Why you always lose the girl in the music video? Who paid 75 crores to finance this movie? Why you never smile? And why oh why do you wear a baseball cap? Please…I need to know.. I need to know…tell me baby girl cause I need to know.”
The prisoner breaks his silence.
“You made a big mistake Agent Z. You have tied my hands, you have put small clamps in bad places and you have even wired up the Chotemiya of Reshammiya. However you forgot one thing.”
“What the hell…?”
“You forgot to gag me.”
Before Agent Z can react, the prisoner unleashes a blood-curdling “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaann ………. nnhhhhhhhhhhhhhh “. Agent Z, caught in the sonic boom, is flung away. Metal and wood splinter and fly all over. Tongues of blue electricity leap outwards. The prisoner sings “Tera surroooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr…………” drowning out the disembodied voice in the background:
“Level 1 security breach. Facility lockdown. Quarantine process activated. Biohazard uncontained and dangerous.”
Agent Z clutches his ears in pain. Blood trickles down his fingers—his ear drums have been blasted to smithereens. Even worse, a rib displaced from its cage by the sonic blast has punctured his heart.
As he drifts away into the next world, seared by a blinding moment of pain, the last thing he sees is the naked figure of the baseball-cap-wearing prisoner, free of his shackles, leap ten feet into the air and lay low the security guards with his vocal punches.
Agent Z awakes. A green field. A bright cloudless sky above. A gentle breeze. He feels peace. And he feels light.
A kindly bearded man comes upto him and says:
“My son, welcome to heaven. Peace and goodwill be to you.”
The man is wearing a baseball cap.
And his white gown says “Aap ka Suroor”.