Tu Hi Tu Bajrangi Re

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The tension in the city was palpable as the “Vivah Raath” (marriage chariot), manned by the fighting wings of the Bajrang Dal, (the Dharma Sena [not to be confused with a certain “Kumara” i.e. bachelor Sri Lankan cricketer] and the Durga Bahini [not to be confused with Mamata Banerjee’s followers]) rolled through town.

As they shouted anti-Valentine Day slogans and made a bonfire of cards and cute red teddy bears, I caught up with a particularly ferocious activist who declined to give his name, insisting we address him as simply “Bajrangi”.

When I asked Bajrangi whether this Vivah raath was some kind of publicity vehicle for the movie “Vivaah“, he said:

“No way. We are catching couples in public places and are giving them an option: either get married on the Vivah raath or make the guy tie a Rakhi around the girl and become brother-sister. And please no high-falutin “individual rights” arguments here, as a concerned moral guardian of the nation, mujhe haq hain. End of story.”

I interjected.

“Why only “laowers” or brother-sister? Cannot a man and a woman  be just friends?”

Bajrangi sneered.

“Have you not heard that line from Maine Pyar Kiya? Ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi dost nahin ban sakte!! Yeh to ek bahana hain tadpati raaton main bharakti jismon ki dhadakhti aag bujhane ka”

Before I could interject, Bajrangi started yelping.

“I really do not understand why you people do not get it. I really do not. If displaying wealth in front of those who do not have it is obscene, so is flaunting your girl-friend in front of so many of us consigned to eternal bachelorhood. While these lovers stroke each other’s hands in full public view, how do you think we, whose hands have nothing else to stroke except ourselves, feel? If we cannot enjoy, why should we let anyone else ?”

“And it is not just stroking hands sir. Look at this.”

Owner of another prominent restaurant Amantran in Kidwai Nagar Rajeev Gupta said that because of the threats issued he would take extra care and ensure that couples did not get intimate on his premises.

“Sir, these couples are getting intimate in restaurants ! They are sipping from same cold drink bottle, looking into each other’s eyes, playing footsie under table and not even tipping the waiter. How can I take my parents and go to such a place any more? Look at the picture above sir. “Heart-shaped” balloons being sold—balloons for adults? Next these amorous people will be playing with toys …has anyone ever heard of that before ?

I tell you sir. At the rate things are being perverted, soon there will be no difference between us humans and dogs. Wait. There already is not.

Even pets had it good, with the tailwaggers animal salon playing cupid to “dog couples”, offering them free aroma therapy sessions.

Interrupting his frothing rant, I asked him the next question.

“So why this tension all over the city? This looks like a scene from Fallujah.”

Bajrangi sniggered.

“Sir, this is Kurukshetra. On one hand, are the forces of good: namely us and Dukhtaran-e-Millat and the coalition of the unwilling called Forum Against Social Evils (FASE). And on the other hand, armed to the teeth with mace and batons, and fortified by money from evil corporations like Hallmarks, Archies are these heinous merchants of immorality who, unlike us, are openly talking about taking the law into their own hands:

Two women’s groups, belonging to the Sawarna Samaaj Party (SSP) and the Rashtriya Secular Manch (RSM), have decided to take on those threatening to oppose Valentine’s Day celebrations in the state, ruled by the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP).

If the SSP is threatening Bajrang Dal members with a mace (lord Hanuman’s weapon), the RSM has decided to form baton-wielding groups of women to dissuade Bajrang Dal activists from disrupting lovers on Wednesday.

“These women will provide the necessary security to citizens if the state government fails to do so,” said RSM convenor Chandna Arora. “We will follow the Bajrang Dal workers on February 14 to prevent them from misbehaving with lovers.”

The Congress’ student wing National Students’ Union of India (NSUI) has also decided to oppose “any act of the Bajrangis”.

“NSUI workers would first give roses to Bajrang Dal workers while requesting them not to disturb anyone. Then they would inform the police in case anyone is harassed and lastly take the law into their own hands if the police fails to act,” said NSUI state secretary Abhay Kushal Tiwari.

The NSUI has formed teams to defend lovers in case of harassment and even launched a helpline.

And then it happened. An assault party from the Sawarana Samaj Party started hurling IEDs (improvised explosive devices) which burst open releasing rose thorns, hot caramel and debris from broken perfume bottles everywhere. As several anti-Valentine day activists rolled on the ground, clutching their hearts and screaming in pain, my friend the Bajrangi said:

“Sorry interview over. Vivah raath under attack.”

And then swinging an enormous rakhi over his head like a hunter whip, he ran into the “red zone” of battle.

One more martyr for the cause of love.

[Images courtesy CNN-IBN and Rediff]

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42 thoughts on “Tu Hi Tu Bajrangi Re

  1. Pingback: Please Vote For Me at Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind

  2. “While these lovers stroke each other’s hands in full public view, how do you think we, whose hands have nothing else to stroke except ourselves, feel? If we cannot enjoy, why should we let anyone else ?”

    Too Good Sir. Hope all those bajrangis realise that everyone has their own freedom to do anything they want as long as they are not causing any inconvenience to the society at large. At the same time the couples with an affliction for extreme PDA should realize that they are making the unlucky fellows jealous.. 😉

    As usual, vintage GB dada style. 🙂

  3. “If displaying wealth in front of those who do not have it is obscene, so is flaunting your girl-friend in front of so many of us consigned to eternal bachelorhood.”
    …masterpiece 🙂

  4. “Have you not heard that line from Maine Pyar Kiya? Ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi dost nahin ban sakte!! Yeh to ek bahana hain tadpati raaton main bharakti jismon ki dhadakhti aag bujhane ka”

    Ufff..those days of jacking off visualizing a nude Bhagyasree.

  5. NSUI gets support from NLUI (National Lovers Union of India). The total members in NLUI are always even and the joining formalities include each member bring another member of the opposite sex. These couples from NLUI are sitting in parks below Trees and are fondling each other and waiting for the Bajrangis to attack them. The Bajrangis were surprised to see NSUI members and Media (arranged by congress) waiting on the same TreeTops with Roses for them. Media is skeptical about NLUI being the brainchild of Hallmark and Archies, though the Bharathiya Jokers Party claim that they have sufficient evidence with them to prove it.

  6. “While these lovers stroke each other’s hands in full public view, how do you think we, whose hands have nothing else to stroke except ourselves, feel? If we cannot enjoy, why should we let anyone else ?” – Classic 🙂
    ROFL

  7. Good one GB!!
    “If displaying wealth in front of those who do not have it is obscene, so is flaunting your girl-friend in front of so many of us consigned to eternal bachelorhood. While these lovers stroke each other’s hands in full public view, how do you think we, whose hands have nothing else to stroke except ourselves, feel? If we cannot enjoy, why should we let anyone else ?”

    I think this comprehensively summarizes the reason for their angst. The solution, ergo, would to force the Bajrangis to get married. That should keep them grounded! 😀

  8. “If displaying wealth in front of those who do not have it is obscene, so is flaunting your girl-friend in front of so many of us consigned to eternal bachelorhood”
    awesome …

  9. “Have you not heard that line from Maine Pyar Kiya? Ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi dost nahin ban sakte!! Yeh to ek bahana hain tadpati raaton main bharakti jismon ki dhadakhti aag bujhane ka”
    ..and have you not heard that line from Big Boss, in which Rakhi Sawant says of Rahul Roy, “saamne bahan kahate hain, phir bathroom me jaa kar pataa nahin kyaa karte hain.”

  10. Nice post. Being lived in Pune for more than 5 years, witnessed lots of burnings outside Archies and Hallmark shops. Even birthday greetings cards were not spared. Such were the atrocities.

    On a different note, expecting a post on Ravi “Hai Hai” Shastri. He seems to have no other job except criticizing Dada, as evident from the recent columns in Anandabazar. The man is expecting Dada to finish every match being an opener. God knows what’s the use of middle order batsmen then.

  11. Pingback: Global Voices Online » Blog Archive » India: On Valentine and Culture

  12. Alright, seems like most of my post was chopped off. Here it is again.

    Might sound like nitpicking but I believe the actual words were : “Ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi dost nahin ban sakte, PREM!! Yeh to ek bahana hain tadpati raaton main bharakti jismon ki dhadakhti aag bujhane ka”

    Reason we remember this is, we had a friend with a pet name of Prem. Obviosuly, we had a lot of fun at his expense.

    @yourfan2: It takes serious imagination man. Considering she never showed more than half a shin.

  13. Wait a second, I thought choking the chicken was against Hindooism laows? So you continually rebel against your religion every night at 8pm (when that sexy newscaster comes on perhaps?) but you won’t let any of us in peace.

    PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE someone hand out tasers to all the couples. I SO want to see a video on youtube of some bajrangi asshole shitting himself as 10,000 volts of electricity pass through his virgin grapefruit.

  14. gawd…anangbhai…

    cant believe that Hindoooooism would disallow me from chocking my chicken every night while watching Greta Van Sastren on Fox.

    I have sinned every nite since I was…oh boy.

    I think you and/or my friends are conphujing with Christianity….
    My chicken all these years had looked upon the Kamasutra as my Quran….

    Hold your taser my friend, a Bajrangi without a grapefruit will leave him sad and useless for Vasant Utsav…the Hindooooo festival of love and merry…

    but then again its not known much because Hallmark doesnt make cards for that…

  15. @rishi: Good one.

    @GB: The intellectual smorgasbord of some of your fans is breathtaking. The moment you mention of Bajrang Dal, an all encompassing platform for discourses on BJP, Hindusim is taken for granted.

    Carry on.

  16. Dear GB, great post as usual.

    I guess the Bajrangis won’t object to celebrating Valentines Day as long as you do it on Krishna Janmashtami Day. Oh boy, what fun it would be playing with the Gopis 😉

    You wrote “One more martyr for the cause of love.”……….hilarious, just like shaadi-ka-ladoo 😀

  17. Hallmark cannot make cards for madanotsav/ vasant utsav ‘cos they could be prosecuted under the victorian obscenity law.
    Why can’t we have a Khajuraho Day where the moral brigade can take pride in their Indian-ness and distribute illustrated copies of that magnum opus of Vatsayan.

    Yes, yes Kishor.
    Khajuraho is in south India.
    Vatsayan also came from that part of the world.

  18. @swati
    Great Idea.
    There is a big discussion within the “Bajrangi” circles on how to urbanize the rustic charm of a Vasant Utsava or the erotic aura of the Kamasutra. Unfortunately, that only stays at the discussion level for lack of proper articulation, given that the “Bajrangi” doesnt have too many friends in the world of media or arts.

    The problem is that the within the “Bajrangi” circles, just like in any other ideologically guided groups, there is a pre-dominance of alarmists.

    The other honest dilemma, for the laity is, that it is always sexier to follow the white man’s ways than look into our backyard kitchen for fun.

  19. @Swati
    It will be a good idea to have a Khajuraho day. But again the downside is the ‘ferocious Banjrangis’ may victimize the ‘single-and-dont-mingle’ during that event. Who knows, they may bring in a ‘Sambhog Rath’ with basket-full of khadi-condoms and South Indian ladies with white flowers in their head and ask the singles to get in and the play the game of ‘Kaam Krida’. And the punishment for refusal may be decapitation !!

  20. @Aby
    to pitch in for Kishore (actually I could be him) ….what is wrong with South Indian ladies with white flowers on their heads. They look as sexy as the “bashonti” sari wearing hummingbirds from Bissho bharoti (Shantiniketan for non Bongs)

    And for that matter what is wrong with Khadi condoms. Papa Gandhi did fine with it (just had to keep the salt away from it). Chacha Nehru did fine with it too…..did u hear Lady Mountbatten complain.

    And as for decapitation is concerned, I dont mind getting a head while “Kaam Krida”.

  21. What if the saffronites force the laity to demonstrate the 64 positions?
    Massive cases of slip disks all around.
    All orthopaedic docs are going to vote for the orange party.

  22. @Rishi
    I have nothing against South Indian ladies, the white flowers in their heads and khadi condoms. What I am scared of is the punishment that Bajrangis would give to the single-and-dont-mingle types if they dont participate in the ‘Kaam Krida’ event of annual Khajuraho Day.
    Note that the Bajrangis are the single-and-have-no-one-to-mingle types. Please dont confuse them with the single-and-dont-mingle types.

    @Swati
    Your share the same fears as mine.
    To add on, if saffronites instruct using technical terms like ‘Indrani’, ‘Dhanush’ etc to be demonstrated many of the ‘mouse’-potato[as the new version of couch-potato] bloggers who claim to be ‘sex’opedias would need to rush to google to find out does those positions look like. So the ‘Sambhog Rath’ should have a facility to make them cognizant about the technical terms.

  23. As per my knowledge, the young couples in India whose parents are against their relationship/marriage can now get themselves *caught* by Bajrangis and, under their august protection and legitimate authority, get married… True social liberation from the tyranny of Indian parents: Great job Bajrangi!!
    I hope Bajrangi also keep non-Hindu priests handy for non-Hindu and inter-faith parties.

  24. Dada, have you seen ‘Eklavya’ ? I liked it. Waiting for your review. 🙂

    [PS: Sorry for posting this here, but didn’t think it would be proper to mail you on such a minor issue.]

  25. Hi GB

    That dhadakti-phadakti-tadapti line was too good!!! You sure do have an awesome memory for Bollywood. And a great writing style to go along with it. Am among your recent readers…but a confirmed one at that…

  26. GB, did you know that the noble efforts of Bajrangi were rendered useless by wicked couples who went on double dates and if they got caught, they just swapped quickly and then complied readily to rakhi tying? What a shame!

  27. Yet another super post.

    In 2003 when I was in college I remember us students put up posters outside our college protesting Shiv Sena’s dadagiri on feb 14. We were protesting Shiv Sena’s use of Kalpana Chawla to oppose Valentine’s Day bcos we felt they were unfairly using her name for political mileage http://us.f13.yahoofs.com/bc/44112c66m22d383cc/bc/Barracuda/V DAY REVOLT BANNER.jpg?bf6TT2FBZVMM_lnF. Kalpana Chawla had just died Feb 1st 2003 and Shiv Sena wanted Feb 14th to be celebrated as Kalpana Chawla Day. read here: http://www.tribuneindia.com/2003/20030215/nation.htm#3. I wonder if Shiv Sena still follows Kalpana Chawla Day.

  28. @Launda: 🙂

    @Gangadhar: Indeed. Get a room. Or better still go and see “Salaam-e-Ishq”.

    @Rishi: Do they now?

    @dEboLIN: 🙂

    @Abhishek, Jhingalal: Thanks

    @Yourfan2: Nude Bhagyashree…all I can say is “Kabootar Ja Ja Ja”

    @Footballnath: No that was the Kalinga Sena..

    @EMC3: NLUI seems to be homosexual-unfriendly.

    @Kartik: 🙂

    @Lalbadshah: That is the core of the issue.

    @Amardeep: 🙂

    @Raman: And priceless was Rahul Roy saying “Rakhiji main aap se baat nahin karna chahta”

    @Sang.Froid ::-)

    @Anirban: Why bother about him?

    @Tintin: Mistake. I thought the fact that there is a lot of “Prem” is implied 🙂

    @Anangbhai: Sexy newscaster? Who?

    @VonRunstedt: Yes of course.

    @Asterix: Gopis aha….the joys of no commitment.

    @Gnan: Thank you sir.

    @Swati: But that book is too bloody technical.

    @S Pyne: Hope so too. And double dates….devious

    @Shekhar: Have not seen it.

    @Anon: Frustrated lot.

    @Sriram: Yes I wonder they think shes some sister of Juhi Chawla.

    @Kartik: But Hanuman was a wise man….the wisest of them all.

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