Noida Police Makes Arrests In Murder of Julius Ceasar
By a staff reporter:
Noida police (the world’s foremost investigating agency famous for cracking the Aarushi Talwar murder case in mere hours), who had been called in to solve the sensational murder of Julius Caesar, the Roman emperor, made their first arrest today. In a sensational early morning swoop in front of television cameras, Julius Caesar’s wife Calpurnia Pisonis was taken into custody by the Noida police.
Sardar Stroke Singh, supremo of the Special Task Force, in front of a packed press conference revealed that Calpurnia Pisonis had been having an affair with Ceasar’s trusted lieutenant, Mark Anthony. And that Caesar had been murdered because he had come to know of this scandalous secret. Earlier the police had said that this murder could only have been done by a doctor, a butcher or a wife.
The Noida police have based their hypothesis on the suspicious behavior of Calpurnia on the day of Julius’s murder when she kept on talking about “ill omens” and in general kept on preventing him from going to the senate.
When the inconsistencies in the police’s case was pointed out—namely that if Calpurnia was indeed the murderer why the body would be found in the senate where only senators are allowed or why thirty five strikes of the sword were found on the Caesar’s body, the investigating officer said that all angles of the case have yet to be established. And that everything will be clear once narco-analysis is performed on Calpurnia and Ceasar’s CPU analyzed.
However he did point out that the police were hoping to make further arrests in the case specially in relation to two mysterious men who have been reported to have been talking to Calpurnia. Their sketches are provided below.
Mark Antony, accompanied by his wife Jennifer Lopez, made a statement later in the morning, exclusively to NDTV, stating that there was no illicit relationship between him and Calpurnia and asked the countymen to “lend him their ears” at this time of crisis.
Our inside sources have revealed that much of the police’s case is based on the testimony from one of Caesar’s best friends, Cassius.
In a related development, another of Caesar’s closest associates, Brutus, came out with an official statement: “I am shocked at Bhabiji’s arrest. Though I fully believe in her innocence, I am sure that the law is taking its proper course.”
The arrest of Calpurnia has thrown the media into a frenzy. CNN-IBN has been covering the case 24/7 with Sagittarius Ghosium asking the nation, every 3 hours, ” Has urban Roman life made people more bloodthirsty” ? NDTV’s “Are Romans overtly hedonistic”, anchored by Bore-Kia Dutticus garnered record viewership.
Meanwhile, parents are struggling to explain this incident to the little ones with one small kid called Nero taking an obsessive interest in this case.
Caesar’s friends have rallied around their dead compatriot with Servilius Casca honoring the emperor by naming a salad after him—Caesar’s salad.
The nation meanwhile waits for justice.