Caesarian Section

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Noida Police Makes Arrests In Murder of Julius Ceasar

By a staff reporter:

Noida police (the world’s foremost investigating agency famous for cracking the Aarushi  Talwar murder case in mere hours), who had been called in to solve the sensational murder of Julius Caesar, the Roman emperor, made their first arrest today. In a sensational early morning swoop in front of television cameras, Julius Caesar’s wife Calpurnia Pisonis was taken into custody by the Noida police.

Sardar Stroke Singh, supremo of the Special Task Force, in front of a packed press conference revealed that Calpurnia Pisonis had been having an affair with Ceasar’s trusted lieutenant, Mark Anthony. And that Caesar had been murdered because he had come to know of this scandalous secret. Earlier the police had said that this murder could only have been done by a doctor, a butcher or a wife.

The Noida police have based their hypothesis on the suspicious behavior of Calpurnia on the day of Julius’s murder when she kept on talking about “ill omens” and in general kept on preventing him from going to the senate.

When the inconsistencies in the police’s case was pointed out—namely that if Calpurnia was indeed the murderer why the body would be found in the senate where only senators are allowed or why thirty five strikes of the sword were found on the Caesar’s body, the investigating officer said that all angles of the case have yet to be established. And that everything will be clear once narco-analysis is performed on Calpurnia and Ceasar’s CPU analyzed.

However he did point out that the police were hoping to make further arrests in the case specially in relation to two mysterious men who have been reported to have been talking to Calpurnia. Their sketches are provided below.

Mark Antony, accompanied by his wife Jennifer Lopez, made a statement later in the morning, exclusively to NDTV, stating that there was no illicit relationship between him and Calpurnia and asked the countymen to “lend him their ears” at this time of crisis.

Our inside sources have revealed that much of the police’s case is based on the testimony from one of Caesar’s best friends, Cassius.

In a related development, another of Caesar’s closest associates, Brutus, came out with an official statement: “I am shocked at Bhabiji’s arrest. Though I fully believe in her innocence, I am sure that the law is taking its proper course.”

The arrest of Calpurnia has thrown the media into a frenzy. CNN-IBN has been covering the case 24/7 with Sagittarius Ghosium asking the nation, every 3 hours, ” Has urban Roman life made people more bloodthirsty” ? NDTV’s “Are Romans overtly hedonistic”, anchored by Bore-Kia Dutticus garnered record viewership.

Meanwhile, parents are struggling to explain this incident to the little ones with one small kid called Nero taking an obsessive interest in this case.

Caesar’s friends have rallied around their dead compatriot with Servilius Casca honoring the emperor by naming a salad after him—Caesar’s salad.

The nation meanwhile waits for justice.

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44 thoughts on “Caesarian Section

  1. To be honest you are getting less funny by the day.

    [Don’t take this the bad way, I do sincerely hope you reach the highs of your consistently witty posts of the past. You don’t have to approve this comment.]

  2. Very funny post. Dont worry about people who have never read Julius Caesar and hence can make neither head nor tail out of this post.

  3. this is truly a hilarious post !!! if anyone has been watching CNN-IBN they will know. Ofcourse the incident is sad but what the media is doing is ridiculous.

  4. GB,

    Awesome stuff. However I felt you should have included a key for those of your readers who have no clue as to who the hell Julius Caesar, Shakespeare or for that matter Asterix are and what in the hell are you talking about.

    Here is my attempt at a simple explanation. In May 2008, the Noida police bungled royally while investigating Arushi Talwar’s murder at the same time that the Indian press went on a feeding frenzy of speculation and chest-beating. In this piece,GB transplants the bungling and the sensationalism to Roman times when Julius Caesar was murdered and demonstrates how the Noida police would have come to all the wrong conclusions had they been as eager to convict as they are now.In this specific instance, they arrest Caesar’s wife and believe his killers.

    Whew.

  5. Rohan

    I know about the Roman empire, Julius Caesar etc etc and I get the whole attempt at the humour. [I’m not half as thick as you make me out to be] I just don’t find it as funny. And I don’t even mean it in the sense of accusing GB of being poor. I loved his articles, and just found a trend of articles of late that weren’t as funny as they used to be.

    But that’s my opinion, and I’m sure a lot of people will find this extremely funny. Fair play.

    Treat it as constructive criticism, and I hope I am entitled to this opinion.

  6. oshadharon lekha…bhishon insightful. i honestly appreciate, one of the best satires i ever came across…

  7. Vintage GB stuff 🙂 Thine post made tears of mirth flow from my watery eyes mired in the computer’s glow. Perchance thy classical-history(with some Goscinny/Uderzo angle) fancy doth persist for some more time do bestow a few more satires in the same tone.
    On a different note, don’t Asterix comics encompass most of the human follies wrapped in superb satire/art ?

  8. That was BAT (bang on target)Arnab, The noida guys have made a mess of the case.
    I loved the post. sarcasticaly hilarious that’s how I will describe the post, Thanx

  9. Amazing! According to, ROME(HBO), Mark Antony’s would be wife, Octavia, (who was a sibling to Ceasar’s heir Octavian) and Ceaser’s wife, Calpurnia Pisonis, were often seen together in compromising position by their servants(slaves). This is also an angle to look into. Lets not forget Octavian, Mark Antony and Marcus Aemilius Lepidus formed an alliance to rule Rome.

  10. I hate Noida police for this!
    first they declared Hemraj as Arushi’s murderer and then they blamed her father without even getting their act together!
    and this is the same Noida Police who couldnt nail Moninder singh pandher for Nithari killings for lack of evidence or shall we say for lack of investigation and all coverups!

    This is nothing less than being monstrous! Noida Police – Have some shame!!

  11. @Debashish Ghosh:

    “That was BAT (bang on target)Arnab”

    Err…wouldn’t that be BOT?

    @Vibhash:

    “wait for a few days and mahesh bhatt will come of his traditional declaration of making a movie on the issue.”

    Actually Bhatt was spoilt for choice. Two juicy murders in the same week, and he the only vulture! Ultimately he decided to make a movie on the Neeraj Grover murder in Mumbai, because that has more scope for sleaze and sex. True story. http://www.rediff.com/movies/2008/may/26bhatt.htm

  12. Totally cool and sarcastic post! Vintage GB.

    I disagree with the persons who found it not funy or sarcastic. I agree some of GB’s recent post ( Jimmy review) were not of GB class, but this is back again.

    The reference of Asterix and Obelix just cracked me up.

    BTW, I am embarrassed as an Indian at the nadir shown by Noida police time and again.

    1. They first kept a closed eye and diverted the attention in Nithari horror house case ( not that CBI did a better job of it, proving Noida police is not exception rather than rule)

    2. They did not even did a check of the whole house and accused the servant and told media that have already sent a team to Nepal, when his deadbody was lying just on the roof !!!!!!

    3. The way the IG insinuated at whatever between those two poor dead people!!! Pathetic!!!!!!

    4. Regarding media, whewwww, less said the better. GB, you did not know of India TV. so, you don’t know how low these news channels stooped in this issue

  13. Great post. Its great reading the “comedy” version of Shakespeare’s tragedy. Kudos to greatbong for coming up with such an innovative post. Thou dost well, GB.

  14. Hey , your blog was on TV … Was just surfing channels so dont know the exact news etc etc , may be someone else can add more details ..

  15. Good writing. But is more elitist writing. Should be to the point and less about humour. There is enough of the other type of humour on our TV channels already.

  16. Sagittarius Ghosium 🙂
    First I googled if this is an actual character from Julius Caesar
    (ok ok .. people can be dumb sometimes)
    and the only result was this page; then I had to put an effort to decrypt it!

    was this post on TV?
    Some one please give some details (I mean a youtube link) on it.

  17. Hilarious Arnab. And thought provoking too.You are back to your very best. Satire, depth, levity — all in the right proportions. And that to in a subject away from your favourites like cricket, sordid movies and Prabhuji.

    Keep it up sir.

  18. Dont mistake me.. i , as many others, find the actual incident disgusting and brutal.. sumptuous describes your treatment of the subject

  19. Dont worry people we will all forget it soon.. remember we indians are cheap blood and we all have been blessed with poor memory as well.. we will forget all about the case.. its just a matter of time.

    ps: whatever happened to Scarlet keeling case??

  20. Pingback: On Rome and Noida | DesiPundit

  21. Great post GB. Its so well written that you don’t realise whether this is fact or fiction.

    I read your posts regularly but don’t comment on all posts. It was nice to see my pic on yoour post. Need to tell this to Kalpana …well I mean Calpurnia.

  22. I hope this article wins the Pulitzer prize. In fact this is better than anything our journals or TV channels put out.

    LMAO @ “Mark Antony, accompanied by his wife Jennifer Lopez ….”

  23. Yes, Anon, I kind of agree with you. (I’m another Rohan, BTW.) This wasn’t as ha-ha-funny as the Royally Challenged post. Very few of the normal GB neologisms.

    But don’t worry, we’ll keep coming back for more! 🙂

    Regards,
    Rohan
    Daily Humor

  24. Without getting into how funny this post is, why do all posts need to be funny? If you don’t get your daily dose of humor, can you not read Hillary Clinton’s recent statements?

    You should not expect a post on such a topic to be funny anyway. The post should leave you angry at Noida police, not laugh out loud and browse to your next blog.

  25. Armoredfish wrote :…But is more elitist writing. Should be to the point and less about humour.

    I am wondering what is elitist about this ? Surely not the reference to Caesar ? Certainly, the easily corruptible, untrained and incompetent nature of Indian police (especially in Noida it seems) is no laughing matter, but this tamasha is just part of the bread and circuses of Indian life and fairly vital if you want to keep your sanity in India. The entire country needs to see a shrink.

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