Commentator 1: Welcome to the first game of the Kalashnikov cricket World Cup, 2015 brought live by the Lashkar e Toiba, who proudly tell you to “Live and LET die”. We are at the Kasab stadium in Karachi and the atmosphere I have to say is just electric.
Commentator 2: Who would have thought that after the whole world stopped touring Pakistan on the basis of some unfortunate minor incidents involving players from Sri Lanka in 2009 that we would be hosting an event like this—the World Cup? Of course India, Sri Lanka, West Indies, Australia, England, South Africa have declined to come and the ICC has refused to recognize this as a World Cup. Just like the world refuses to recognize what our textbooks tell us—that we defeated the Indian army totally in the 1971 Bangladesh war and that India is responsible for terrorist attacks in Pakistan and that India is a failed state. But really who cares what they say? It is the World Cup if the avaam say so.
Commentator 1: Exactly. And its not as if we do not have international teams. There is the Bangladesh team. And one from Swat. And one from the Tribal Regions. And of course one from Afghanistan.
Commentator 2: I think the full house today is sending a clear message to the world. Pakistan is a safe country. And security arrangements as we can see are topnotch, being provided by the world’s leading security organization, the Bangladesh Rifles. Noone messes with these badasses, not even their superiors. Let me tell you that all spectators have been thoroughly searched—-you should have seen the number of belt-bombs they had to confiscate outside the sign at the gate that said “No satellite phones, plastic water bottles and remote detonation devices allowed”.
Commentator 1: True. No effort is being spared by the organizers to entertain the packed house. Just before we came on, there was a public stoning spectacle where two girls from the Swat valley who had dared attend a school were pelted with igneous rock near the practice pitches as the band played “We will…we will…rock you”. Nothing like that to get the crowd going.
Commentator 2: I think the best moment was when the giant scorecard flashed the “Happy 21st birthday Shahid Afridi” message. That sent the crowd wild.
Commentator 1: Haha. I thought that was less because of the message but more because of the unmanned predator drone that just happened to fly across the stadium around that time. But I do agree. Truly a Taliban moment of exhilaration.
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Commentator 2: Welcome back viewers. Now coming to today’s match. Your thoughts janaab?
Commentator 1: Pretty even Stevens. Tribal provinces are playing with 17 players which is a big advantage assuredly. Of course as we know that there is no law inside the Tribal provinces and so we pretty much let them do whatever they want to. Including playing 17 players and carrying rocket-launchers into the pavilion. But then the Swat team is very strong, has been extensively training in a terrorist camp and are in prime physical condition. Rumor has it that their coach makes them do catching practice with live grenades.
Commentator 2: So what happens if someone drops a catch?
Commentator 1: Well then that guy is automatically removed from the team. Yes they are that dedicated to the game.
Commentator 2: In all, has the makings of a fascinating contest.
Commentator 1: Before we sign off, remember to watch our lunch-time show where there will be mid-pitch public executions, brought to you by Mullah Omar Records “The music-less music company” Rawalpindi Web Hosting and Hostages “Our customers never leave. Guaranteed” and Jaish Corporate Recruitment Services “Leave the head-hunting to us“.