A White tent in Monsoon Wedding style on the lawns of the White House. Music playing: Aja Nachle
Dr. Singh, the PM, ambles about.
Bill Clinton arrives.
“Hello there Dr. Singh. I had a favor to ask of you.”
Dr. Singh: “Oh Mr. Clinton, I thought you were not coming to the dinner.”
Bill: “See that’s the problem. That blasted wife of mine dragged me along—didnt want me to be alone with the new lady secretary I hired to look over my papers [wink]. Would it be possible for your country to invite Hillary over for like a week or two on some excuse?”
Dr. Singh: “But Mr. Clinton, she was in India only recently though why I don’t know myself.”
Bill:”I know I know. And those were such lovely days Dr. Singh. I hadn’t had so much fun since that going-away party for interns I threw in 1998. Can’t you again get her over for some days? Please?”
Dr. Singh (uncomfortable cough): “Well you should mmm talk to someone at the Embassy for that….”
Bill: “Thank you so much. By the way, this here is Mr. Rod Blagojevich and he really wanted to talk to you.”
Dr. Singh: “Rod Blagojevich, you mean the guy who tried to sell President Obama’s Senate seat and extorted a children’s hospital? Why would I want to talk…”
Rod: “Hi Dr. Singh. I am sorry for interrupting. I am trying to turn over a new leaf right now and want to go to India, a country I have long admired as one that reflects my values, for spiritual rejuvenation. I have heard of a guruji who can help me attain a higher level of salvation. His name is Madhu Koda. Could you please make the connection between us?”
Dr. Singh (uncomfortable cough): “Well you should mmm talk to someone at the Embassy for that…By the way, Mr. Clinton, do you know where President Obama is? I really do need to talk to him…..”
A man comes up and pokes out his hand.
“Hello Dr. Singh. My name is Kal Penn and I am part of the Obama administration. You may have seen me as Taj Mahal Badalandabad in the Van Wilder series of movies. You know the one where I say “In my country, a woman’s mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!” No you havent seen it? Well then perhaps you have seen me as Kumar in the Harold and Kumar series? Perhaps not. Well I just wanted to say how much I admire India (my family is originally from it but you would not know since I don’t use my last name Modi) and just as a tribute to my home-country, let me present the people of India with an uncut version of Bachelor Party Vegas…
Dr. Singh (uncomfortable cough): “Well you should mm talk to someone at the Embassy for that….oh there he is….President Obama….Oh hello…”
Obama: “Oh Hello Dr. Singh. I am sorry I was just held up clearing the mess with the state department. If you recall the speech I made about the historical bonds and similarities between the great nations of USA and India, the text of that was going to be sent out to the press with [insert country name here] instead of India. Evidently the dolt who took that template speech from our knowledge-base forgot to do a search-replace. Duh ! I am sorry to keep you waiting though..”
Dr. Singh: “President Obama, I think it is time we had some straight talk. It is one year since we were attacked by terrorists who were backed by the Pakistani administration. In that one year, the US government has taken upon itself to reward Pakistan with billions of dollars in aid, which we all know will be siphoned off for more 26/11 style operations. If that was not bad enough then when Indian intelligence came to question an US citizen by the name of Headley, an individual who had been planning to come to India for terror operations and is possibly a 26/11 mastermind, we were not allowed access and our intelligence officials were sent home after a week cooling their heels in Washington DC.”
Obama: “I am sorry Dr. Singh about that. Next time I will get someone to take them to see Lincoln Memorial and buy them lunch at Amma’s kitchen in Georgetown.”
Dr. Singh: ” That’s not the point President Obama. It is just that he US has not exerted any pressure on Pakistan. As a result, it has brazenly provided sanctuary for the perpetrators of 26/11 and allows them to walk free. Forget exerting pressure, the US has consistently backed Pakistan in its design of keeping India from having any influence in Afghanistan. All so that Pakistan continue operations against the Taliban, which we all know is as real as a Broadway musical.”
Obama: “I am sorry I have a call here on my Blackberry. Oh Hi Ashfaq..”
Bill Clinton (whispering): “Did he say assfu,…?”
Obama: [throwing poisonous glance at Clinton] “Yes General Kayani. Please please do not be upset. Yes I understand you were expecting 20 million dollars this week. No General. You cannot speak to my supervisor. I said I am sorry you will be getting it this Sunday. You do remember to use it for non-military purposes. Right? No General that does not mean you can buy satellite phones to be used by LET volunteers with it—-non-military means peaceful intent. Right? I can trust you—correct? Cross your heart and swear? Scout’s honor? Ok then ciao…”
Dr. Singh is about to speak when a man suddenly barges in to the conversation.
“Yo Dr. Singh, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Advani here had one of the best campaigns of all time. One of the best campaigns of all time”
Obama shouts: “Secret Service. Take this man away. I am sorry Dr. Singh this Kanye West guy is simply the biggest internal problem we in the US have. Yes you were saying”
Dr. Singh opens his mouth to speak.
Obama: ” Hold that thought Dr. Singh. My Blackberry again. Aawww just look at this. Would you believe it Dr. Singh I added Pervez Musharaff on Facebook last week and he just overflows me with status messages and updates. I find this most irritating and inconsiderate. Just look at his status message.
The Jihadi General needs your help in Mob Wars to whack an Indian.
Ilyas Kashmiri and 7320,0000 Pakistanis like this
And as we speak, look another status message.
Pervez Musharaff would like to be your neighbor in Farmville
Hah ! This one I am definitely rejecting. The last thing I would want is for this guy to be my neighbor.
Wait. Wait. Now I feel bad for rejecting that offer. Let me compensate
Obama sent Jihadi General a Health Pack in Mobsters
See Dr. Singh. I didnt send him a Winchester rifle or a hand grenade as a free gift but just something very non-military and positive—like Health. This is essentially our philosophy for aiding Pakistan.”
Dr. Singh: “But then they use the Health Pack to replenish the health that was exhausted after “whacking an Indian” so that they may go and whack another.”
Obama: “Well that we do not know. Or have no proof. Or that is not our problem.”
Dr. Singh (trying another track): “China has become increasingly aggressive against India. That they have been arming Pakistan and creating military bases around India we knew for long. But of late, they have stepped up their provocations by showing Arunachal Pradesh as not belonging to India in their maps and protesting the Dalai Lama’s internal movements in India.
The US attitude towards China has puzzled us ever since you took over as President. For instance, you started out by not meeting with Dalai Lama so as to not make China unhappy…”
Obama: “By the way, why should I meet Dalai Lama? I don’t meet everybody who wants to meet me..”
Dr. Singh: “Well for one he is a Nobel Peace prize winner.”
Obama: “So? Every Tom-Dick and Harry has one of those.”
Dr. Singh: “Mm…Ok. And when you visited China, you essentially endorsed China’s hegemonic designs in the region calling on them to be a party to the India-Pakistan dispute, knowing full well that China and Pakistan are already firmly in bed and the joint statement cannot be seen as anything but a stinging diplomatic slap on India . I am surprised and saddened at not just how your administration has been pressurizing us once again to sign the CTBT but playing footsie with all of India’s enemies…”
Dr. Singh notices that Obama is once again pre-occupied on his Blackberry.
“Whoa. Dr. Singh hear this out. Just now Hu Jintao sent me a message and what a co-incidence —-it is about India.”
Dr. Singh (panicky): “What? Has China crossed the Indian border?”
Obama: ” No no no. Just an intelligence report from the Chinese. God they have eyes and ears everywhere. It says that in Raj Kundra and Shilpa Shetty’s marriage, the family stopped the band from playing Akshay Kumar songs. Can you believe that? By the way Hu says Ni Hao to you. And tells you to get an oil change for your car as it has been 161 days and 11 hours since you last got one. God they do know everything don’t they?”
Dr. Singh (exasperated) : “Did you hear a word of what I said so far?”
Obama: “Ok Dr. Singh. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was this Dad who had three sons.
The eldest son earned a lot and was the true breadwinner, paying a sizeable sum so that Dad can pay his health bill, buy clothes and in general live his life. Dad, knowing that he was totally dependent on the eldest, would scold him from time to time but essentially would let him do what he wanted to if for nothing else than for self-preservation.
The youngest son was wild, debauched and an absolute criminal. He lived off on Dad’s and the eldest son’s charity and yet wanted more. If he did not get what he wanted, he threatened to set the house on fire. Hence he had to be paid off.
The middle son didnt earn as much as the eldest and was peaceful, tranquil and positively sheepish. Hence he neither commanded nuisance value nor actual value.Sometimes Dad, in a gesture of supreme tokenism, would throw a party “in his honor” but that was it.”
Dr. Singh: “Hmm…So USA is the Dad….”
Obama: “Yes Dr. Singh. I know you can figure this one out. Now if you will excuse me, Michelle needs a foot massage and I really should get going. It was a pleasure talking to you and sharing the values of our great democracies and re-inforcing the bonds that have held together the peoples of these two mighty lands.