The Dawat

49 Comments

[Opening bars of the Bhojpuri song: “Set kara di life he Baba Dhoni sangh hamaar ho” sung by a chorus of girls and Ravindra Jadeja]

Anchor: Welcome back to GBTV’s continual coverage of the Dhoni-Rawat marriage or as we call it The Dawat, perhaps the most significant media event after the Abhishek Bachchan-Aishwarya Rai marriage, which again was the most significant media event after the Lord Rama-Sita wedding. In light of the gravity of the occasion, we have in our studios,  cricket expert and part-time ramp model Rameez Sivaramakrishnan Lal, who has been our chief correspondent for all Dhoni-related news.

RSL: Thanks for having me here.

Anchor: So for our viewers please, set the context for this historical event.

RSL: Gladly. It has been well known for many years now, MSD’s success as a bachelor is matched only by his inability to pass it. He has been linked to Laxmi (who said among other things that Dhoni is affectionate ), Deepika,  Asin and numerous other principally South Indian hotties. Not just that, there have been headlines like “Dhoni holidays with Rudra Pratap in Mussourie” (with Star News Hindi even carried a special news item about RP and Dhoni to the romantic lyrics of “Aja mein haowaon beethake le chaloon” [Must see video]) . Considering the fact that yet another Sri Lanka tour is coming up, a time that many Indian cricketers lapse into depression due to sheer boredom, it became imperative that MSD got hitched immediately.

Anchor: Interesting. So tell us more about Sakshi Singh Rawat, whose name many people have pointed out does contain “Rakhi Sawant” in it.

RSL: Well it is difficult to know something about someone who does not have a Twitter account nowadays since that’s basically where we source our news from. We did discover her Facebook profile and from that we know that she likes “Desperate Housewives” and “Likes” the Rahul Gandhi page. We know she has a cocker spaniel named Joey and that she  has watched Robert Pattinson’s “Twilight” at least ten times…

Anchor: So since she likes vampires, I am sure she will fit right into the Indian cricket administrative community….

RSL: Well we do know for sure she is not much into cricket. Where things do get fuzzy is her age which is reported variously as twenty-three or twenty-one. This is very interesting as according to some versions……

Anchor: Sorry to interrupt you but we have breaking news that a Peshawar court (yes they exist !) has ruled that having intimate relation with Afridi will be statutory rape, since he is still below the legal age of consent.

RSL (irritated at being disturbed) As according to some versions, they fell in love with each other in high school. Considering Dhoni is 29 and she is 21, that would mean he played out a lot of dot balls in school.

Anchor: So what were the controversies? Who did not make the invitation list?

RSL: Well of course there was some heartburn regarding the invitations. For instance, Charu Sharma, under the impression that people even remembered who he was, expressed some personal sadness by saying “I have not been invited, but what I can say is that Ms Rawat is truly a lucky girl” [Link]. Yuvraj Singh was once again not selected for an invitation, reportedly because Dhoni was afraid he would over-eat and add two more inches to his waist, and Sehwag perhaps once again developed a shoulder injury at an appropriate time.

There was also some confusion in the media as to what color sherwani Dhoni wore. Some reported it as green [NDTV], some as blue [Economic Times] and some as black [Hindu]. There is conjecture that he wore all three sherwanis, none of which were yellow, to show different IPL franchises that he was available for a transfer out of Chennai. Some also speculated whether Raina’s dance at the wedding was the “Mere yaar ki shaadi hai” type or the “Raja ki aayegi baraat magan main nachoongi” type.

Anchor: Any feel good stories?

RSL:  Well I would say this:

Ashish, the man who got the mare that Dhoni rode to the wedding, was ecstatic at having the Indian skipper as a client. Said he, “Dhoni asked me the name of the mare. I told him it had two names, Rani and Bobby. He liked the second better. At the end of the ride, he gave me Rs 5,001.”

What many dont know is that Ashish’s mare went “Neeeehhhraaaa” all throughout.

Anchor: Oh from the mention of the word “Bobby”, I was thinking of some other fast bowler.

Anchor: Finally, reactions from the man in the street?

RSL: Well, there has been the predictable “Why not me, Mahi” , a slogan originally used by Amit Mishra after his omission from the team, outcry from women all over, including perhaps from well-lighted areas where he is known to make stops.

My home is just a few kilometres away from Dhoni’s, but now he seems further away,” says Sumedha Sinha, a die-hard ‘lover’ from the cricketer’s hometown in Jharkhand. Her family is now ruing for “not sending the rishta on right time.” “Why her (Sakshi)? Oh God,” laments Sumedha. “Couldn’t Mahi have waited for some more time? Sakshi is 21, after all,” tweeted ManishaT.

This year I’ll no longer be sending him birthday wishes on Facebook, not to a married man, of course,” says DU student Shalini Raj. Incidentally, Dhoni will be celebrating his 29th birthday on Wednesday.

But there have been positive reactions like this wherein the art of keeping is related to the art of being a husband—–which makes sense because in both you are supposed to be patient and relaxed and most importantly, well-balanced. [Link]

Dhoni’s former Central Coalfields Limited (CCL) team captain and a serving official in the public sector, Adil Hussain, said, “He knows what system works for him. He keeps well behind the wickets. He will also do well as a husband

Anchor: Well it’s time for our commercial break. Before we go, we would like to thank RSL….any closing comments.

RSL: Well, some great captains first get married to someone from Kolkata and then try their luck down South. While some other great captains first try their luck down South and then get married to someone from Kolkata. But ultimately all that counts is the legacy they leave behind in the trophy cabinet.

Anchor: Err…..yes that’s very profound. Join us in a little while as we continue with our breaking news coverage of the Harbhajan Geeta Basra breakup and the exclusive Gibbs-Payal hook-up in our segment “You just dropped the World Cup”. Till then, India keep watching.

[Acknowledgments to @prempanicker and @sidvee and many others on twitter for giving me some of these links]

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49 thoughts on “The Dawat

  1. This is another example of how low, Indian media has sunk itself into:-(. The Bobby tab is a riot. I do hope his honeymoon is in a place where TOI cannot reach

    Seriously – who drives this content? Are the Roys (not the fair girl but the fair guy) and India TV’s of the world so dim? Or is it the famed television meters telling them to do so? Considering that India TV is supposedly owned by the largest business house in India; the direction defies logic

  2. Yahoo!: They focus on these stories because that’s what the public desires. Have a look at the list of most read stories on IE or ToI sometime. This isn’t by any means unique to India, although it is more accentuated. The majority in most countries love this kind of insignificant fluff. Ahkhir mein paisa hi bolta hai.

    P.S: I see what you did there, with the username. Not very subtle 😉

  3. @pensive – Public desires? To my last recollection, such kind of public were the universe found in Rediff articles with their excellent comments which could put a combination of Ayn Rand, Tolstoy, Plato to shame. As much as they were capable; they did not and cannot represent the general ‘Public’.

    PS: Did not get the drift on the username:-(Maybe I am getting old and/ or senile or both:-)

  4. @Yahoo!: I thought you chose that username as a reference to the website, which used to be notorious for peddling these stories on their main page. Even now, the Indian version has “Celeb Buzz” as one of the foremost sections (but MSN is worse).

  5. You missed the part on Star news where they carried a near 15 minutes interview with a autoricksaw-wallah of Aurungabad, whose auto MSD supposed to have boarded during one of his escapades with Ms Rawat. The questions being asked were hillarious.

  6. Hillarious. What with the 12 inc ka which earlier was 1.5 ft! Should we expect Mahi not heading south post marriage but alternately after Rani or Bobby – The mare that is.

  7. LOL..Dhoni missed the opportunity only available to luckiest few like him…

    Sachin is smarter ..he married a beautiful doctor and did not mind even if the woman was 5 yrs older.

    Its like going for Karbonn Mobile when you can get iphone.

  8. Funny post … But one thing that surprised me was the absolute inability of the Indian media to break this news before it happened. (Not that Dhoni’s marriage is breaking news in the 1st place. ) Every media house seemed playing catch up after the actual event was over. Considering the number of times they have already married off Saif Kareena , Rani Aditya , Ranbir Deepika , Ranbir Katrina , Salman Katrina , this event does seem like a slap on the noses of Indian media. How did they miss it ???

  9. I never leave such comments… but finally someone’s GROUND BREAKING VIEWS on the ‘BREAKING NEWS”
    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH
    HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAAAAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    BREAKING NEWS!

    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH
    HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAAAAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

  10. Did anyone here follow Aaj Tak’s coverage of Dhoni’s wedding :”1982 mein Kapil ne kiya Romi se shaadi..agle saal bharat ne laya world cup..2010 mein Maahi ne kiya shaadi..kya itihaas fir se dohraega? kay maahi apni mashooka ko dega world cup ka anmol taufa?”

  11. Outstanding Bong Dada! Outstanding! I almost fell of the chair laughing at the satire of an interview….

  12. “Sorry to interrupt you but we have breaking news that a Peshawar court (yes they exist !) has ruled that having intimate relation with Afridi will be statutory rape, since he is still below the legal age of consent.”

    LOL

  13. Most Indian news channels are pure *crap*.

    But all said and done, with me being in another country for the past many days, I really miss watching the entertaining s*** of these guys. Only now do I realize the “importance” of these channels [;)].

    Your article painted a very life-like situation of what must have happened there. Thank you for that [:)].

  14. “Anchor: Sorry to interrupt you but we have breaking news that a Peshawar court (yes they exist !) has ruled that having intimate relation with Afridi will be statutory rape, since he is still below the legal age of consent.”

    absolutely hilarious……..out of the top drawer..totally !!

  15. the only ex-cricketer MSD would avoid taking congratulatory calls from is ….venkatesh prasad….in some cases the ball must reach the batsman in time… smthng that prasad wasnt quite good at

  16. Haha…Hilarious. I am not surprised the Demented Mind comes up with laughable quotes about Afridi’s minor status or the conjoined RSL identity.

    Luckily there aren’t any news stories of Dhoni’s female fans trying to slash their wrists or dousing themselves in kerosene, in front of the TV cameras or in front of the marriage mandap (a la the Bacchan-Rai wedding). This lack of silly fan frenzy shows that there is still hope for India. 🙂

    BTW, Greatbong…. you must serious consider writing a post on the storylines of famous “Desi Sharabi movies” such as:

    “Hum Tight ho Chuke Sanam”
    “Rum De Basanti”
    “Seeta Aur Margarita”
    “Corona Pyaar Hai”
    “Soda Akbar”
    “Rab ne Pila di Thodi”
    “Do Aur Do Scotch”
    “Love Sex aur Vodka”
    “Rum Whiskey se Kam Nahi”
    “Passed out at Lokhandwala”
    “Chandni Chowk to Chandni Bar”
    “Kisme Kitna hai Rum”
    “Bunty Aur Baatli”
    “Jab we Tunn”

  17. The Afridi thing was top notch… 😀 …. So was the Horse going “Nehraaaaaaaa”…… would be better if it had some “Sidhuisms” in it…

    Great post Btw!

  18. “Well, some great captains first get married to someone from Kolkata and then try their luck down South. While some other great captains first try their luck down South and then get married to someone from Kolkata” – Priceless 🙂

    Nilz

  19. the most unique part of this post is the dig on the over rated Ravindra Jadeja and the lines that put Charu Sharma at his place… also liked the priceless conclusion though..

    and going by some exuberant reactions generally, Mr.Bong I believe you should also have tags akin to Kingfisher true fan, new fan etc & our friend sid will come very high in the list of true fan (just my opinion)..

  20. “Considering Dhoni is 29 and she is 21, that would mean he played out a lot of dot balls in school.” Sweet!!

  21. considering that she’s 21 n he 29, she is his child friend and not childhood friend as newspapers are suggesting 😛

  22. Great piece Bong….Just a bit curious.are u working full time??
    Such a piece require a lot of homework & extensive reading which is nearly impossible for an individual,
    or may be your research Job is paying you to research the Google news I guess…

  23. This pricless news for all those who want to know what is this dhoni’s 1.5 ft ka and 12 inch ka thing. When dhoni came into the indian team he had long hair(i.e 1.5 ft or 18 inch). Before the world cup he cut or shortend his hair a little bit (i.e 12 inch). This is the story behind this 1.5 ft and 12 inch. what did you ask how i know about that. because i work in your most preferd News Channel. Do i need to tell u the name of the channel.

  24. Dhoni leaves RP heart-broken, RP will now pair up with Munaf and bowl fast, swinging balls to each other. Chiddu was last seen dancing in Dhoni’s reception in a magenta coloured lungi…

  25. I am back, my friends, with my unique combination of random and arbit observations. I will apply for Booker next year, and have Chirundhati Rooy support me in my campaign.

  26. This news channel media is seriously gone imbecile. I dont know who is so much interested in Dhoni’s marriage anyway except these people as they were not allowed inside. Similar to the stupidity that prevailed during Abhi-ash marriage. Indian TV has stooped so low that it will go out of the other side of the earth, with its totally useless serials and Tv channels. This one serial on Sony had the prospective “in laws” checking the girl’s body for marks and getting her tested at gynae doctor like a test driving a vehicle…..freaking ridiculous.

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