The Big B

61 Comments

Growing up in the 90s, most Indian males fantasized about the day they could bring Pam Anderson home as their bahu—-she all sharmili in her red Baywatch-bikini colored sari, her mangalsutra gleaming in the diffused light, coming to the room with a glass of milk.

And then she would bend down and touch our feet.

Well at least bend down.

But we knew it was simply a fantasy. After all, why would Pam Anderson ever come to India when she had the sunny beaches of California to frolic in? After all, what did we Indian men, with our ability to recite multiplication tables upto twenty-three, have to offer her that she couldnt get  from Tommy Lee and Kid Rock?

Why would she ever, to paraphrase the words from the Pardes song, do a “zyara monitor se nikalke saamne a meri mehe-booba”? Why indeed?

Well now she has. And if there any further proof needed as to why India is shining, then one look no further than the fact that we have finally been able to get her, in flesh and blood. So who cares that she is now slightly long in the tooth and that the warranty on her implants might have expired? After all, if we Indians can’t do a mean service contract, who can?

I confess to have had a soft corner for Pam. Most of the magnetic bubbles of the floppy disks I owned were used to store the RGB values of her flesh-tones, most entries in my hard disk’s File Allocation Table pointed to different parts of her. My college backpack had a plastic box full of floppies I carried around like a first-aid box. One of these floppies contained a shareware program called SVGA which allowed one to view JPGs on DOS machines (since not all machines had Windows 3.1 and Paintshop Pro was a pain) very fast (like when the teacher in Numerical Analysis Lab would go out for a smoke) and the others, even though labelled in a Freudianly sinister way “InsertionSort (C++)” and “BubbleSort (C++)”  [putting D++ would have been too obvious] simply had different pictures of Pamela Anderson (Ok some were of Cindy Crawford also). When she as a spokesman for the PETA informed us about how chickens are bred to be top-heavy in poultries and how the weak legs of the chickens cannot support their heavy chest, I applauded her for sympathizing with their plight. When she starred in Barb Wire, a re-make of Casablanca in a strip club, I applauded her acting abilities (though I would have appreciated a line in the movie which went “Do it again Sam”). I applauded her non-acting abilities in some of the independent films that she starred in, shot home-video style.

In short, I adore her. The part of her which was real. And even more that which was imaginary. A most complex emotion if I may say so.

Given this long history, allow me to feel a sense of vindication that Pam Anderson has finally come to India.

Allow me please to feel proud of how much our generation has achieved, becoming from a country that had to barter its gold in 1991 to one that brings in the sona in 2011.

So Claudia, Sheryln and all the other sand-stuffers and heavy-top wannabes take a hike.

The original is here.

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61 thoughts on “The Big B

  1. I was thinking that she is now 40+ and 80% plastic and why would anyone watch her. Per hum Indians ka kya hai – Jo mile se acha.

    GB: Is this the only post which shows a speck of you Comp Sc side to the world?

  2. Bakwaas. Gettin her is no achievement. Its a simple business deal – 3 days for Rs 2.5 crores.. but we r goin gaga over her just like we did in case of obama .. colonial hangover, inferiority complex..watever u wanna name it.

    I cant believe tht “pamela is coming” has become such an event in our country. Its not like US has declared it will attack Pakistan with the help of India.

    Lighten up folks.

  3. All other Indian bloggers have become so boring over the years. Its difficult to say whether they want to make us cry or laugh. Whatay and Vigilidiot and krishasok have completely lost it.

    GB sir, you remain the only one to maintain that charm and humor. Thank you!

  4. @ greatbong.
    For some reason, i never liked Pamela because she had implants. Maybe it was the purist in me.

    Now ofcourse, as i have geown older, i have learnt to compromise. Every woman worth her saline has them.

  5. Maybe it was the puritan in me, or maybe I just didnt like the feel of saline filled bags (having had my share of intravenous as a sick kid), the implant thing was a bummer in those days.
    Preferred the natural look of Cindy or Yasmine bleeth.

    Now of course I have grown to like them, for any pretty girl worth her plastic, has some in her.

  6. What got me, was the mention of Cindy Crawford and SVGA. When I first got introduced to computer, those two formed a deadly combination! My personal favourites 😉

    Well written GB!

    Ullaas,
    RD!

  7. Sudipto,
    Because they have come to understand that is the only news content people really want. By the term people I meant those who check news papers (or websites) like TOI to get news every morning …. even after getting bombarded by BIG BOSS news every day.

  8. “I applauded her non-acting abilities in some of the independent films that she starred in, shot home-video style.”-classic GB

  9. India is a “lovely country” and a destination for the “old celebs”. I was telling someone that this is the place where over the hill celebrities would manage to find an appreciative audience.

    I remember the time when Deep Purple had come to tour India much after they stopped selling their albums and their regular audiences walked away or relegated to opening acts for other major players. This happened to others and now I think Bryan Adams would still belt out “18 till I die”; for his “fans” who are never too old to recount the days when they “head banged”.

    Ditto for all kinds of “used celebrities”; botoxed saline implanted, plasticky white fleshed females who seem to fill up the fetish for pubescent or over pubescent boys because they have nothing else to “whack” about. Apologies for this serious transgression of Queen’s English but it is a sad state of affairs that media is now fuelling the demand for utter debasement of what passes as “entertainment”.

  10. @kushal http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RGB_color_model

    Hilarious post, GB

    Totally OT but had to share this with you. This is from a movie called “Urf Professor” a film by the Late Pankaj Advani (Sankat City). This movie was never released and will never be and you will know why once you watch this. This had Sharman Joshi, Antara Mali and Manoj Pahwa among others. Absolutely hilarious.






  11. @Kushal,

    And RGV is RED GREEN VIOLENCE something that Mr Varama Nostradamused about future of West Bengal and Gonzalez explained in his ‘Digital Image Processing’.

  12. pls cover open magazine’s expose on barkha dutt. it is being blacked out everywhere and only bloggers are giving info. open magazine’s server has been hacked into (possibly by congress)

  13. Admittedly I was the “Really Really Want” raccoon back in her Baywatch days. Now, I’m that famous dog sitting in front of a plate of broccoli. Plastic mammaries are an instant boner-killer for me.

  14. So thats how Barkha D got the Padmashree – for valuable services rendered to CONgress. Shame on sham journalists like barkha & vir.

  15. Barkha and NDTV had succeded to therghten Blogger Chetanya kunte bou now they are on the dock. But more shoking is vir-radia conversetion. My god radia was almost telling her how and what to write. ‘vir ban gaya mahaveer’ jai ho.

  16. “warranty on her implants might have expired?”…..
    Really speaking those unwarranted implants are drawing too much of unwarranted indian males attention :-).

  17. Please write a blog on Radia tapes. Please ! Media is not even covering an inch of this issue except Outlook(and ofcourse OPen magazine)

  18. Very nice post! Which 90s guy has not visualized doing her while squeezing. Just imagine a 3some with her and Madhuri Dixit. In the 90s, that kind of visualizations could make your head spin. Personally, all my visualizations with her were in the otherwise boring missionary pose. Gave me the climax of an Everest climber. She also exuded a dirty bitch type look which, like street food can be repulsive as well as attractive. In short, she had the kind of looks which brought out your deepest fetishes and dirty desires (think of her with a mouthful of white mouthwash, gurgling and almost choking while fluttering her eyelids and giving you that dirty b look, before spluttering some mouthwash on the top of the Twin Peaks. There are a lot of natural girls in us who are DD etc. I once did a girl who was almost of her size, but she was a natural. However, she had considerable junk in the trunk which robbed her of the waist to hips ratio appeal, which goes hand in hand with the boob appeal. I see that kind of size (DD or more) from a sensual as well healthy point of view. DD or DDD’s have a strange bucolic charm like cows grazing, lust green fields and a dairy farm. Maybe it the milk connection. Pamela Anderson must have made many frustrated men take up boxing practice.

    @Rishi- I loved Yasmeen too. You are obviously not a boob guy. Loved the pocket sized Nicole Eggert (what a tantalizing derierre) and Gina Lee Nolin too.

    @dj- Kim K has implants. She also has a terrific p*** (refrence – her sex tapes. Pamela’s is ample to her austere, and somehow lacks the chiselled perfection.)

    Finally I love the floppy disk as first aid box line. You never know when you were gonna need it right? 🙂

  19. @Mayank_Sharma: Dude you lighten up !!! Great post, GB. It is a pity people cant tell the difference between a serious rant and a light hearted back-to-the-old-days-brings-back-fond-old-memories type piece. Jiyo !!

  20. Thanks to a few friends’ recommendations, I check GB’s site off and on.
    But more and more, I get the feeling that this is what non-technical blogs are destined finally to be. Less on content (if one discounts the merry jamboree of factoids and info tidbits), and more on a careful juxtaposition of words to scare up some attention.

    Of course some blogs intend to be precisely that.

    I don’t normally leave replies in blogs (as this very reply shows, a judicious choice) — but while reading this post, I was, all of a sudden, reminded of Satyajit Ray’s movies. When I was 11, I was ga ga about Ray movies. Now, they just bore me — and appear pretentious without much of a cause.

    Maybe I am the only one here with such sentiments towards this blog and/or Ray. Oh well.

    Blogs can serve quite well as a playfield for social experiments — the blogger here seems to have a well adjusted self esteem. And the audience seems to flock to that like moths. Which is, of course, quite nice.

  21. yourfan2 wrote:

    “@Rishi- I loved Yasmeen too. You are obviously not a boob guy. Loved the pocket sized Nicole Eggert (what a tantalizing derierre) and Gina Lee Nolin too.”

    Response:
    No no! I am very much a boob guy. Atleast thats what the strippers used to tell me in my rare gentlemanly days exploring the banks of Mississippi.

    But the thought of gel filled bags inside, turns me off. I feel that I would hurt someone if I press too hard.

    I guess it is the part of me that believes beauty is not just skin deep….as long as the skin is beautiful though.

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