And the nominees are:
Dolly Bindra: “Kisiko anda milta hain, kisiko anda naheen milta hain, isne do aande khaayein isne ek aande khayen”, says a contestant on Big Boss IV capturing perfectly the curse of the human condition, torn between the base instincts of hunger, lust and the desire for eggs, the last mentioned being an appropriate metaphor for them both. And if there is anyone who perfectly captures Big Boss and reality shows in general, it has to be Dolly Bindra, Sushmita Sen’s true ideal for “woman of substance”.
For long, Big Boss has experimented with the tried-and-tested formula of sidey starlets and wannabe models/actors and their fake romances but this time they alighted on the perfect guest, who crystallizes perfectly Big Boss’s biggest viewership demographic—large, aggressive foul-mouthed aunties with a penchant for hyper-drama. Whether it be reacting to Asmit Patel’s fake “ubercool” “Talk to the hand” with a gusty “Talk to your hand kya, hand aapne **** main daal” and “finger daalna [Asmit’s MMS partner’s] *** main jaake” or her writhing on the ground, claiming to having been possessed by a ghost (perhaps a person inside her trying to get out) Ms. Bindra has been incomparable, setting the bar high, way way high for people to follow in successive iterations of Big Boss.
Rakhi Sawant: One of the most inspiring sights this year has been that of Rakhi Sawant meting out her brand of justice in front of the kind of frenzied, zombie-like, adulatory crowd one last saw in old footage of Hitler addressing the German awaam. Humiliating people who, for a few hundred ruppees had been co-erced to sell their honor on national TV or washed-out starlets looking for a second of exposure on a big stage, Rakhi truly defined the concept of justice at a time when judgments like Ruchika’s verdict has shaken our faith in the judiciary. And to all those who say that law does not have teeth, one need look at Rakhi’s concept of insaaf which not only led to the deaths of thousands of gray cells all over the country but also allegedly led to a contestant to commit suicide. Now only if we could let her try Kasab, before he becomes a guest on Big Boss Five, the fucker might finally die.
Yana Gupta’s panties: One only realizes the worth of teeth once they are gone. And one realizes the value of panties when they are forgotten at home. Yana Gupta revived her faltering career with a truly commando performance, allegedly getting a crore offer for a repeat act and huge buzz for her upcoming dance reality program. Some may argue that the real person of the year would be the industrious photographer (of course the thought that he might have been pre-informed to click photos of such a spontaneous mistake is blasphemous) who showed his nose for a good story by being there with “Yoni” Gupta at exactly the right time. Now if only our police could reach the scenes of heated activity this quick.
Diggy Baba: Now Mrs. Karkare may condemn what Diggy Baba has said. And there may be no records to prove the conversation he had with Hemant Karkare before his death. But like the kid in high school, who claims that all the popular girls call him and tell him how hot he is so that his loser male friends pat him on the back and say “Bhai tum to ekdam Bond Ho” , Diggy Baba likes to tell us that it was the Hindus who perpetrated 26/11. Though he may have later denied implying this, when someone makes the statement at a release function of a book called 26/11 RSS ki saazish, what else does one conceivably mean? While Diggy Baba is not my choice for man of the year, I can say that he is definitely on line for higher awards—-not just being the toast of the “liberal” crowd but also a shoo-in for a Padma-Bhusan or Padma-Vivishana or whatever they want to call it for him.
Kalmadi: It may be the year of the Raja but for me, THE MAN was “Sir U Made Lacs” Suresh Kalmadi. Not just for being the dude who unleashed a slew of PJs second only to the “Felicitations to 61 for turning Rajanikant” that assaulted us this year or for his 9 lacs rented treadmills which, according to him, came with their own German technicians and “free service” (of what type we dare not ask) and the concomitant herapheri of crores, what I found priceless was the expression of shocked innocence he wore on his face throughout and the outrageous “Dog ate my homework” excuses he would give as the pools would run out of water and the dry parts of the stadium would flood with water, made me double up with laughter. Unlike the Rajas and the Reddys who just made me feel enraged. I also feel bad for Kalmadi because after doing so much for our prestige, Sonia mam did not invite him to the after-party. Bo hoo.
Indian Press Megaheroes: Not much to say to these people but to repeat the immortal lines from Agneepath: “Yahaan pe telephone ke ghanti bahot bajtaa hai. Galat cheez banaya Telephone. Udhar se aadmi sochta kuch hain, bolta kuch hain, karta kuch hain”
Ravindra Jadeja: Like a boil that returns more stubborn than ever just when you think you have gotten rid of it, Ravindra Jadeja was unstoppable this year when it came to finding his place in the Indian team. Whether that was because he had Radia buried in his name or because experts see Agarkarian talent in him, I do not know. But all I can say is that when your fans, who have bought a domain name for you ravindrajadeja.in write posts titled “Ravindra Jadeja Messes Up !” and “Ravindra Jadeja Messes Up Again !“, you gotta stretch your arms out, bend forward and say in unison—We are not worthy !
And the winner is….
Nira Radia: While our media heroes were shown taking dictation for their stories and negotiating…mm sorry…”stringing along source for stories”, politicians were making money in the thousands of crores, literally selling the air of the country, “sweat equity” became an euphemism for “sweetheart deals” to curry favor with those in power and Bollywood made one sorry mess after another, there was just one person, one friggin person who was doing her job with sincerity, single-minded purpose and uncommon intelligence,making Indian democracy dance to her vocal chords. Yes I am talking about Nira Radia, the undisputed Person Of The Year, encapsulating old world ideals of “Work is worship” in a manner that is truly inspiring, making thousands and thousands of calls that would put a salesman peddling car-loans on a per-commission basis to shame. Salut !