Oh The Humanity !

44 Comments

If this year hasnt been depressing enough with corruption in every branch of the government, the final pin-prick on the boil is the news that Karan Johar is going to re-make Agneepath. I get it. Since mainstream Bollywood has evidently run out of ideas, they have now taken to recycling old hits. Now I didn’t so much mind when they took “Jab Jab Phool Khile” and made it into the equally mushy Raja Hindustani but, especially after what happened to Sholay, can we please keep classics like “Agneepath” out of the clutches of today’s mainstream directors? Especially a movie like Agneepath, a testosterone-driven celluloid epic for real men (the kind who kept their chest-hair un-shaved and didn’t do their eyebrows in a beauty parlor) from directors like Karan Johar? Forgive me for being paranoid, but I am just afraid that his re-imagination of Agneepath will be the cinematic equivalent of taking an AK47,  painting it pink and inserting a red rose in its muzzle.

Ah well. For now here is the totally fake, Wikileaked version of Karan Johar’s remake of Agneepath

The movie begins with a poem being recited by SRK to a background disco-Punjabi track.

Whatever be standing erect
Be it big, be it firm
Don’t worry, take a warm bath
Its Agni Path Agni Path Agni Path

Dinanath Chahuhan is the happy  principal of St Mandawa’s College in Mandwa, a place where pretty young girls wear short skirts and dance in coordinated steps. He is a man who believes in heterosexual love and dance,   values he tries to inculcate in his son, Vijay  (VJ). A troglodyte professor, who does not believe in love and music, named Kancha Cheena (henceforth referred to as Kay-C, like Jay-Z)  frames Dinanath Chahuhan, by taking compromising pictures of him doing a “chance pe dance” with a gay tawaaif during a college fest and gets him thrown out. VJ (Hrithik Roshan) grows up on the streets as a street dancer, hiphopping and be-boingking.

The great scene between Inspector Gaitunde (now called Inspector Gay-T) and VJ will be played out thus with Inspector Gay-T first asking him his name.

VJ: Vijay Dinanath Chauhan. But cool cats call me DJ. You know what? It’s all about loving your parents. So baap ka naam Dino Chauhan … ma ka naam Sue Chauhan, you know she makes the best gajjar ka halwa.  I stay in Mandwa and my Facebook profile says “I am interested in men and women”. My age…you can install the “Birthday Application” to find out” and I am online solwaah ghanta.

GayT: VJ, tum maut ke taraf daud rahe ho….

VJ: So what? Ek paal ka jeena phir to hai jana. All that matters is to how many times you say Shawa shawa mahiyaa… Samjhe? The world is not straight Gay-T-sahab and neither am I. Now look at my Blackberry Outlook calender. Aaaj mujhe dance ke saath appointment hain. Appointment. Haan unlimited data plan bhi hai. Abhi chalta hai…mujhe Farmville main fertilizer dena hain…aii….”

VJ then goes to meet three dancers who have been trash-talking him on other people’s walls—-three dancers whose names are  Ting-a-Ling, U-R-Da-Man Bhai and Annie (in honor of the original three villiains Terelin, Usman Bhai and Anna shetty). He walks in just when they are all texting on their cellphones.

VJ: “Dudes, yahaan pe cellphone ki ringtone to bahoot bajti hai. Bahoot acchi cheez hai  yeh cellphone. Udhar se aadmi sochta kuch hai, bolta kuch hai but agaar coverage accha na ho to call drop ho jata hai aur aadmi karta kuch hai. Is liye Reliance mobile everytime. Best coverage in the country aur do rupaye mein 5 ringtones.”

As his opponents look at him in silence, VJ points to his cell-phone.

“Humme ludkana hai toh idhaar…..block me on twitter na …magar yaad rakhna mera calling plan post-paid hai aur tumhara sab (laughter) pre-paid…”

After which VJ pulls out a long pipe, puts his mouth to it and starts moving his legs like a madman. A deadly dance competition then commences between the four dancers, wherein the action shifts to some of the world’s hottest clubs where hundreds of backup dancers from Russia and Uzbekistan prance about. Unfortunately, VJ will be face-palmed and barely saved from ignominy by Krish Iyer, MBA, Pepsi-cola-wala. He drives  a helicopter, lives in a Scottish castle and his favorite song is ” I would lift my kilt and show you my moves” (special appearance by Salman Khan). These two will then join forces to bring love and dance back to St. Mandwa’s College which they do after seven songs, two remixes and dialogs adapted from the original Agneepath like “Woh teen inch ka VJ aaj chaye inch ka VJ ho gya..”  ultimately leading to Kancha Cheena (KayC), VJ and Krish Iyer dancing climatically to “Bole chudiyaan, bole kangana, send free voice SMS to your sanjana….. No dropped calls, yeh hain humara sapath, Agni path Agni path Agni Path”

I don’t know about you but I just can’t wait.

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44 thoughts on “Oh The Humanity !

  1. Just reminded Me of the great movie i saw in my teens. Mukul Anand pulled off a great movie. his movies were a visual treat. A real whizkid . Thank you. I hope it doe not end up as “Karan ki **** mein Agneepath”. (A line lifted from your review of RGV ki Aaag

  2. Well, I hope Karan Johar falls sick and never makes the movie.

    Or at least makes it exactly like this post! As usual, this is true GB stuff.. ROFL! And since you arent giving us movies of 2010 posts, you better keep these absolutely delightful spoofs coming! :))

  3. Bole chudiyaan, bole kangana, send free voice SMS to your sanjana………
    ha ha ha ha ….. amar pet fete jabe….ha ha ha

  4. Why has KJo still not received Bharat Ratna? Why is Arun Lala insulted in every online forum? When will “elevation and distance” LS get a six-pack? These are questions to ponder upon….

  5. Please bear with me while i indulge in my own personal experience on agneepath -which is a movie very close to my heart –
    it was released on 16th february’90 in menoka cinema.I first saw the clips on “follow the star” a wonderful video which was shown on lehren video magazine and since then i was hooked and wanted to watch it by any means- since i was a teenager then i wasnt wise to the world of black market ticket process in cinema across calcutta.
    anyway on 14th feb wed when they “sell” the tickets for friday first day first show -me & my friend nilu woke up @ 4am and went around to menoka to que for tickets when they open the box office at 9am- at 4am there were already 100 odd in front of us. By the time the counter opened around 9am there was bedlam- the que had gone for a toss and we were pushed out of the que and to top it all there lathi-charge by the police and i got a laathi or two on my backside- to top it all the tickets were “soldout” in 15minutes or so – as i cam home dejected rubbing my backside at the failed attempt i didnt give up hope.I spent all of thursday in front of menoka hoping against hope for some luck- on D-day around 10am –
    my so-called friend munna took pity on me and “sold” me a front stall ticker for Rs15 !! no haggle nothing- promptly i raided my mothers handbag nicked R15 and i had the first day first show agneepath ticket- !! that is the perhaps the greatest “event” of my life- all through the show i didnt sit – i was dancing and shouting and even collecting the coins thrown from behind . when this event ended i had lost my voice and i was dancing my way out scarcely believing what i just seen .. !!i have ever since had the highest regard for mukul anand and w.b.rao the cinematographer of this epic. Looking back it all feels so silly and even the movie is laughable but boy it gave me the best 2 hours of my life on 16th feb – so thanks arnab for having a post on this and i know i wont watch this remake simply because i dont want to spoil the fond memories i have of this great experience of my life- i still have lots of things to say about the after effects of this movie and the impact it had on me and my friends lives but this has already become longer than arnabs’ post !! so sorry folks and thanks for reading through this – i just couldnt stop myself-

  6. “Woh teen inch ka VJ aaj chaye inch ka VJ ho gya..”

    Ha ha ha, you really cracked me up with that one, over all an excellent post

  7. Seriously ,
    The movie was awesome. The way he talks , the way he walks just amazing.
    Three salutes to all who were involved in the making of this movie.

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  8. Vruksh ho bade bhale,
    ho ghane ho bhale,
    Ek Patra chhah bhi mang mat, mang mat, mang mat,
    Agnipath, Agnipath Agnipath;

    Tu na thamega kabhi tu na mudega kabhi tu na rukega kabhi,
    Kar shapath, Kar shapath, Kar shapath,
    Agnipath, Agnipath, Agnipath.
    Ye Mahan Drushya hain,
    Chal raha Manushya hain,
    Ashru, Sweth, Rakta se Latpat Latpat Latpat..
    Agnipath, Agnipath, Agnipath.

  9. Mithun’s character (remember the yexcellent Krishnan Iyer M A Nariyal Paani Wala?) has been chopped out of the new Agneepath. In a way that’s great –
    KJo would probably have cast Mimoh in the role (shivers)

  10. Agneepath was a commercial failure.
    The movie itself was laughable and Mithunda the only saving grace.
    In the new one Krishnan Iyer is out and Hishi Kapoor is in.
    Can barely wait for the spoof 😀

  11. Just for coming up with this idea we should make KJ bat without a box against Steyn at Kingsmead for 5 days straight. …

    …. and oh yes, he is not allowed any diapers either ……

    SRK can be the cheerleader breaking into a giggle-dance sequence whenever Dale hits the target.

  12. “… the cinematic equivalent of taking an AK47, painting it pink and inserting a red rose in its muzzle” – loved it. excatly what i felt when i heard the scoop.

  13. GB,
    May be i am offbase. But it’s a rather homophobic post, don’t you think? I think you have started pandering to your fanbase. Don’t get me wrong. The post is brilliant and i kept laughing through it.

  14. maaf karna greatbong. But solid shot baitha ye blog. May the new year give you better idea’s to write about.

    I feel your commenting on karan johar and his sexual orientation is really an abomination to your wit. Spare us the agony, the promo’s of his films are torture enough.

    Far worse than what alex from “A clockwork Orange” experienced.

  15. KJ should remake Devdas. RGV also should do. Sudhir Mishra is already doing that with Farhan. Actually all Bollywood directors should remake Devdas within first 10 years of their carrier. Otherwise they should be banned from making films.

    In RGV’s version, I would like to see Devdas as a gangster and son of the most successful mafia family in Bombay who falls in love with Paro, daughter of one of their hit men. As Devdas can’t express love for Paro, she got married to a bigger mafia lord based out of Dubai. In the meantime Devdas meets Chunilal – a gangster from rival gang, befriends him and together they met Chandramukhi – a trans-continental prostitute based out of London who has access to direct numbers of different big names. When she expressed her love to Devdas, all hell broke loose. After a series of inter gang fights on who owns her, Devdas, injured, went Dubai to meet Paro but Dubai lord’s people killed him in front of her home – all the while with background music of Govinda Govinda.

  16. gud1 GB…
    it wud b a delite watchin d muvie……..n @sensor board….keep ur eyes n ears closd…..here comes d muvie…..;)

  17. I don’t know why you hate KJO this much. OK you dont like his movie fair enough. But there are many people who love KJO’s movie. I don’t know why people say A must make this kind of film. B must make that kind of film. Arey yaar bollywood main har saal 300 film banti hain. Sab ex jaisi film kyon banayain. jisko jaisi banani hai banayain. jisko jaisi film dekhni ho dekhe. Why Impose your view on anyone. As far as “Agnipath”. I found it poor copy of scareface and Big b’s acting OVER THE TOP. you don’t like his OTT act in black so how it became it good in agnipath. Let him make remake. He is not a SANKI like RGV so be asure that he can’t ruin it like RGV ki sholay. And pls stop attacking KJO on sexual preference ground. I once take a fictional jibe on you that why you make personnal comment about KJO & SRK but you moderate it. So if you can’t take it then pls stop attacking others. It feels sick. no offence intended

  18. Pingback: Tweets that mention hilarious post by how KJo's aginpath may look like :D -- Topsy.com

  19. Superb post Arnab. If KJo remakes Agnipath, it will be nothing less than a nightmare.

    @ajit: Can relate to your nostalgic thoughts. I too had bought a rear stall ticket of Rs.5 at Rs.15 and watched the film in Oriental Cinema!

  20. GB,

    your post seemed very forced. good and funny in parts but not vintage stuff. Maybe you are keeping it for the actual review of the new agneefart when it releases.

    so lets see what has transpired till now:

    Hritik replacing AB – i dont think that is a bad move. HR will definately do a better job than AB jr. Plus post guzaarish, Jodha akabar & Dhoom 2 – we know that atlease Hritik has better screen presence and can draw crowds. However, I am not confident if he can do some scenes which only AB can carry off (jail scene where he shoots avtar gill, when he kills deepak shirkey – the south indian don who kidnaps his sister etc)

    Priyanka Chopra replacing Madhvi – she is apparantely named Kaali and is a major deviation from the original script. Well, madhavi didnt have a very active role in the first part in any case. But, too much attention to PC will definately dilute the film’s script.

    Krishnan Aiyer – apparetnly the role has been chopped off – the movie is going to suffer majorly for this. What is a sholay without veeru?

    Rishi Kapoor as Kancha Cheena – am not really sure how this is going to work – will RK kill people by smiling at them and then flashing his famour sweaters? Danny was the best for the role and seeing that Danny still is in great physical form – why dont they sign him up again? Kancha cheena was a legendry screen villain and lets not have a lover boy/ fat man kill the image.

    Tinnu anand – hope he plays himself and uses the same cusswords

    The problem happens when too many tinkerings with the script to make it “different” take place. it you had to make it different – then why remake an original? why dont they just make a new movie…

    some trivia –

    1) Pradeep rawat – who played one of his sidekicks along went onto play Ghajini.
    2) while the movie was a cult classic one cant ignore the fact that some scenes were copied from Scarface. Mukul Anand himself had said that he was inspired by Scarface.
    3) Mithun had played a similar role in a film called Mujrim – here Shakti kapoor had played the role of the Gangster’s friend who falls in love with the sister. – also inspired from Scarface.
    4) shakti kapoor in turn had made a special appearance in Agneepath.
    5) the scene where AB lands in mauritius and proceeds to meet Kancha has a song going on in the background – this is by Mori Kaante – whose other famous song was copied as Jumma Chumma in Hum and Tamma Tamma in Thaanedar.

    whatever be the outcome the classic will stay a classic.

  21. @GB: “Since mainstream Bollywood has evidently run out of ideas”

    Did they ever have any to begin with? Much of the stuff since the 60’s is the same recycled garbage. At least the music in the 60’s was better.

    “can we please keep classics like “Agneepath”

    Classic? Agneepath? I guess, in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is King.

    @sophocles: “Krishnan Aiyer – apparently the role has been chopped off – the movie is going to suffer majorly for this. What is a sholay without veeru?”

    Seriously, you kid! I don’t believe in P.C. and enjoy Mehmood’s “Masterji” from Padosan, despite being a Tamilian, but Mr. Nariyal Pani Wala was downright disgusting. I’m glad he’s gone, but

    “Hritik replacing AB, Priyanka Chopra replacing Madhavi, and Rishi Kapoor as Kancha Cheena”

    If there was a god, he’d have smote KJo by now. There’s your proof.

  22. Agneepath, when it released flopped badly. Please do not refer to it as a cult film. If Agneepath is a cult film, then so is Singh is King.

    Films like Agneepath and Lamhe were trash but were later called “ahead of their time” and then turned into “cult classics”

  23. Dear KJo

    Make as many lovey dovey movies as you want with SRK starting with K with all his hamming, dancing and all other crap.

    But please don’t do this: –
    http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/bollywood/news-interviews/Hrithik-Priyanka-get-physical/articleshow/7332338.cms

    For one I can’t tolerate Agneepath, a film made for men being made into another of your love stories.
    And also because when I think of agneepath being remaked I feel Hrithik is the best choice. Though he has worked in all kinds of crappy movies. But his Mission Kashmir, Lakshya and Koi Mil Gaya remains three of my favourite movies I saw while growing up. So if he works in Agneepath I’ll have to watch it. But please don’t show me another K3G or KKHH disguised as agneepath.
    If you do that the deceased soul of your late father will not be able to rest in peace.

    Amen

  24. I have always enjoyed reading your post. I share the same fears about remakes(especially when it is done by RGV and KJo) and had it for this film too until I saw it yesterday. Overall a descent job has been done barring a few scenes especially some important ones. This is not to say that it is as good as the old classic. Nothing can replace the old bollywood of 80s and 90s. But watch this one. You might like it. Before entering the theatre the friend of mine told me to forget the old one for some time and watch the film( not as a remake).That might have worked on me. But Karan Johar did a better job than I had expected.

  25. ^Whats wrong with u?kjo absolutely murdered the movie and transformed it into complete emo charged bs.expectedly each and every scene was made to over romanticise the plot with every logic diligently thrown out of the window.i had hopes only from sanjay dutt but few sec into his entry and his ‘sheeshe nahin chahiye’ made me regret my ticket.action,which was the crux of the original was diluted badly and the climatic scene,well the lesser said the better.only the music was somewhat good

  26. You have to understand that I was not comparing the old classic Agneepath with the new one. I have mentioned that in the outset.Again, one cannot replace the bollywood of 80s and 90s. I was just trying to compare Karan Johar’s handiwork, his other films with the recent one.

    And speaking of romanticization, who wouldn’t have done it? Didn’t we already knew that it would happen. All I was trying to say was that this one was relatively better. Here it is also important to note that the film has been directed not by Kjo but by someone else.That perhaps made a difference.

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