If this year hasnt been depressing enough with corruption in every branch of the government, the final pin-prick on the boil is the news that Karan Johar is going to re-make Agneepath. I get it. Since mainstream Bollywood has evidently run out of ideas, they have now taken to recycling old hits. Now I didn’t so much mind when they took “Jab Jab Phool Khile” and made it into the equally mushy Raja Hindustani but, especially after what happened to Sholay, can we please keep classics like “Agneepath” out of the clutches of today’s mainstream directors? Especially a movie like Agneepath, a testosterone-driven celluloid epic for real men (the kind who kept their chest-hair un-shaved and didn’t do their eyebrows in a beauty parlor) from directors like Karan Johar? Forgive me for being paranoid, but I am just afraid that his re-imagination of Agneepath will be the cinematic equivalent of taking an AK47, painting it pink and inserting a red rose in its muzzle.
Ah well. For now here is the totally fake, Wikileaked version of Karan Johar’s remake of Agneepath
The movie begins with a poem being recited by SRK to a background disco-Punjabi track.
Whatever be standing erect
Be it big, be it firm
Don’t worry, take a warm bath
Its Agni Path Agni Path Agni Path
Dinanath Chahuhan is the happy principal of St Mandawa’s College in Mandwa, a place where pretty young girls wear short skirts and dance in coordinated steps. He is a man who believes in heterosexual love and dance, values he tries to inculcate in his son, Vijay (VJ). A troglodyte professor, who does not believe in love and music, named Kancha Cheena (henceforth referred to as Kay-C, like Jay-Z) frames Dinanath Chahuhan, by taking compromising pictures of him doing a “chance pe dance” with a gay tawaaif during a college fest and gets him thrown out. VJ (Hrithik Roshan) grows up on the streets as a street dancer, hiphopping and be-boingking.
The great scene between Inspector Gaitunde (now called Inspector Gay-T) and VJ will be played out thus with Inspector Gay-T first asking him his name.
VJ: Vijay Dinanath Chauhan. But cool cats call me DJ. You know what? It’s all about loving your parents. So baap ka naam Dino Chauhan … ma ka naam Sue Chauhan, you know she makes the best gajjar ka halwa. I stay in Mandwa and my Facebook profile says “I am interested in men and women”. My age…you can install the “Birthday Application” to find out” and I am online solwaah ghanta.
GayT: VJ, tum maut ke taraf daud rahe ho….
VJ: So what? Ek paal ka jeena phir to hai jana. All that matters is to how many times you say Shawa shawa mahiyaa… Samjhe? The world is not straight Gay-T-sahab and neither am I. Now look at my Blackberry Outlook calender. Aaaj mujhe dance ke saath appointment hain. Appointment. Haan unlimited data plan bhi hai. Abhi chalta hai…mujhe Farmville main fertilizer dena hain…aii….”
VJ then goes to meet three dancers who have been trash-talking him on other people’s walls—-three dancers whose names are Ting-a-Ling, U-R-Da-Man Bhai and Annie (in honor of the original three villiains Terelin, Usman Bhai and Anna shetty). He walks in just when they are all texting on their cellphones.
VJ: “Dudes, yahaan pe cellphone ki ringtone to bahoot bajti hai. Bahoot acchi cheez hai yeh cellphone. Udhar se aadmi sochta kuch hai, bolta kuch hai but agaar coverage accha na ho to call drop ho jata hai aur aadmi karta kuch hai. Is liye Reliance mobile everytime. Best coverage in the country aur do rupaye mein 5 ringtones.”
As his opponents look at him in silence, VJ points to his cell-phone.
“Humme ludkana hai toh idhaar…..block me on twitter na …magar yaad rakhna mera calling plan post-paid hai aur tumhara sab (laughter) pre-paid…”
After which VJ pulls out a long pipe, puts his mouth to it and starts moving his legs like a madman. A deadly dance competition then commences between the four dancers, wherein the action shifts to some of the world’s hottest clubs where hundreds of backup dancers from Russia and Uzbekistan prance about. Unfortunately, VJ will be face-palmed and barely saved from ignominy by Krish Iyer, MBA, Pepsi-cola-wala. He drives a helicopter, lives in a Scottish castle and his favorite song is ” I would lift my kilt and show you my moves” (special appearance by Salman Khan). These two will then join forces to bring love and dance back to St. Mandwa’s College which they do after seven songs, two remixes and dialogs adapted from the original Agneepath like “Woh teen inch ka VJ aaj chaye inch ka VJ ho gya..” ultimately leading to Kancha Cheena (KayC), VJ and Krish Iyer dancing climatically to “Bole chudiyaan, bole kangana, send free voice SMS to your sanjana….. No dropped calls, yeh hain humara sapath, Agni path Agni path Agni Path”
I don’t know about you but I just can’t wait.