So all of a sudden, all our Zodiac signs have changed. So, all you Scorpios, proud of being dangerous and sexy, guess what. You were as bland as a Libra. As astrology-conscious people realize that perhaps their “Hum baane tum baane ek dujje ke liye” was based on wrong facts and that the stars may not be as reliable as they thought they were , many are offended and puzzled. So we asked several people as to who they think is behind this sinister attempt to break up marriages, who it is that had fundamentally changed our astral identities.
Diggy: It was the RSS. Why just now Linda Goodman called me and said..What you don’t believe me? Records? You mean you want my sun-charts? I have them. You mean her call-records? Wait give me a few days, need to make them up…..
Rediff Commentator 1: PORKI.
Rediff Commentator 2: North-Indians.
Rediff Commentator 3: This comment is awaiting moderator approval.
Prominent news anchor 1: Who else could it be? Internet Hindus.Whenever they see stars like us, they abuse and threaten…
Prominent news anchor 2: Misogynists. Incidentally what’s my new star-sign? Oh my God, what should I tell them?
Internet Hindus: Pasta Madam. Raoul. What? Raoul is a French name? Who cares? They had the extra star all these years in Swiss Bank account. Yes of course media never reports it. It is Chormedia. Dalalmedia.
Pakistani liberal Zaid Hamid: Jews and Americans. George Lucas, a Jew in America, has been talking about making a war with stars for many years now…..Hindus…hah they don’t have the intelligence for this…
Zardari: What? They changed the star signs? Wait. Where is my 10%? And oh Mr. Biden I need more money…
Didi: It is the Cheee-Peee-Emmmm…..they have been rigging for past thirty-five years. Now it is proven they rigged the constellations. I will call a Bondh….
Calcuttan: Shahrukh Khan. Our dada’s stars were in the good boxes. He changed this so that Shoni-Thakur comes into his seventh box.
Shahrukh Khan: Dada is like my brother. We all need to make sacrifices. I sacrificed Dada. By the way, this new constellation—will they name it after me? What? They have a name? Ophiuchus? Snake-bearer? No no let it be….
Rakhi: I always knew there was something wrong when a Virgin symbolized my star-sign.
Arundhati: Wait for my twenty-page article in Outlook magazine once I have spent two days of “five-star research” going to each of the constellations.
Aamir Khan: Ailaaa…. I accept. It was me. When I was researching into stars while directing “Taare Zamein Pe” I realized the universe was all wrong. So I just told God—look I have been seeing your work for the past billion billion years and I am not happy. So here is what I am going to do. I am taking over. I have seen a few Youtube videos, I have read some old joke books. I think I am going to do a better job than you, dear God. We will give you rolling credits, if you are good. So yes this new star-sign is one of the results of my creativity.
Update: The star signs evidently wont change. This has all been a rumor. We asked people who do they think spread the rumor.
Diggy: It was the RSS. Why just now……