A few days ago, I read in the news that a lady had been apprehended at the airport for trying to bring in an item considered so detrimental to the health of our nation that it has been banned by the sagacious Government of India.
What was it, you ask? RDX? Drugs? Counterfeit money?
No. No. Those we are fine with.
So then what dangerous item was it that set off the security alarms ?
Nothing makes my heart fill with joy than to see our authorities prioritizing their resources correctly. Hunting down sex toys. Closing down pesky dance bars. Running like Wee Wille Winkie through town, making sure all children are in their beds before 8 oclock. In short, dealing with the most pressing challenges to our nation’s security.
A few Pakistani ambassadors of good-will freely waltz into our country and rain death and destruction. A few bombs are exploded in markets. Our security men have no clue. Even when a few mischief-makers fall into their hands, they cannot make the charges stick because of sloppy detective work. That’s fine. Bade bade deshon main aisi choti choti baatein Senorita and all that. But try to smuggle in a sex toy and be assured, you will feel the full might of the Indian state on your shoulders.
Of course some people don’t get it. They ask why effort is wasted on such trifles when there are more pressing demands on scarce resources. They also wonder, naively I should add, how it is considered to be the government’s business to ban something like sex toys, instruments used for personal enjoyment in closed private spaces.
I am not one of these people. I fully understand why sex toys are threats to the nation. First of all adults should not be playing with toys. Secondly, if people start relying on external help even in their bedrooms, how will we, as a nation, ever be self-sufficient? If unbridled import of sex toys be allowed, won’t we be too dependent on foreign hands (as it is, they are everywhere) for our joys? Can anyone imagine what would happen if phones on vibrate mode are used for the wrong purposes, like being placed on G-spots? If such evil come to pass, the government would have no option but to auction yet another “G” of that money-maker bandwidth they so love. Now tell me honestly, can we take the fallout of that, considering what happened the last time?
Okay here is the deal. The problem with sex toys is actually a very fundamental one. See our government does not care if we die. If you do not believe that, just take a look at their callous attitude after every incident, be it a railway accident caused due to their criminal negligence or a bomb blast that happens due to an intelligence failure.
Our government does care, and that too intensely, as to how we live. As in how miserably. That is their single point agenda—to make our life as desperately pathetic as possible so that when death comes, in a crowded place from ball bearings that dig into your flesh at high velocity, we don’t feel too bad. Now do you see why sex toys are evil? Because they provide simple enjoyment, of the kind that harms no one else, allowing us harried citizens a few seconds of private bliss in a world gone mad.
Deal Do? Yes, yes, please. The sleazier they better. After all isn’t that why they got elected?
Dil Do? No, no never.