Khilona Jaan Kar Tum

A few days ago, I read in the news that a lady had been apprehended at the airport for trying to bring in an item considered so detrimental to the health of our nation that it has been banned by the sagacious Government of India.

What was it, you ask? RDX? Drugs? Counterfeit money?

No. No. Those we are fine with.

So then what dangerous item was it that set off the security alarms ?

Sex toys.

Nothing makes my heart fill with joy than to see our authorities prioritizing their resources correctly.  Hunting down sex toys. Closing down pesky dance bars. Running like Wee Wille Winkie through town, making sure all children are in their beds before 8 oclock. In short, dealing with the most pressing challenges to our nation’s security.

A few Pakistani ambassadors of good-will  freely waltz into our country and rain death and destruction. A few bombs are exploded in markets. Our security men have no clue.  Even when a few mischief-makers fall into their hands, they cannot make the charges stick because of sloppy detective work.  That’s fine. Bade bade deshon main aisi choti choti baatein Senorita and all that. But try to smuggle in a sex toy and be assured, you will feel the full might of the Indian state on your shoulders.

Of course some people don’t get it. They ask why effort is wasted on such trifles when there are more pressing demands on scarce resources. They also wonder, naively I should add, how it is considered to be the government’s business to ban something like sex toys, instruments used for personal enjoyment in closed private spaces.

I am not one of these people. I fully understand why sex toys are threats to the nation. First of all adults should not be playing with toys. Secondly, if people start relying on external help even in their bedrooms, how will we, as a nation, ever be self-sufficient? If unbridled import of sex toys be allowed, won’t we be too dependent on foreign hands (as it is, they are everywhere) for our joys? Can anyone imagine what would happen if phones on vibrate mode are used for the wrong purposes, like being placed on G-spots? If such evil come to pass, the government would  have no option but to auction yet another “G” of that money-maker bandwidth they so love. Now tell me honestly, can we take the fallout of that, considering what happened the last time?

Okay here is the deal. The problem with sex toys is actually a very fundamental one. See our government does not care if we die. If you do not believe that, just take a look at their callous attitude after every incident, be it a railway accident caused due to their criminal negligence or a bomb blast that happens due to an intelligence failure.

Our government does care, and that too intensely, as to how we live. As in how miserably. That is their single point agenda—to make our life as desperately pathetic as possible so that when death comes, in a crowded place from ball bearings that dig into your flesh at high velocity, we don’t feel too bad.  Now do you see why sex toys are evil? Because they provide simple enjoyment, of the kind that harms no one else, allowing us harried citizens a few seconds of private bliss in a world gone mad.

Deal Do? Yes, yes, please. The sleazier they better. After all isn’t that why they got elected?

Dil Do? No, no never.

53 thoughts on “Khilona Jaan Kar Tum

  1. Bingo! the Govt. gets the priorities absolutely right this time 🙂

  2. Oh! and an iPhone4g for the one who came second?

  3. God, how I despise out Government…regardless of which Party is ruling…

  4. I am not sure if I agree with you. I am equally, if not more, disgusted at the government for “allowing” the terrorists to play with our lives. But does it mean it stops doing whatever little good it is doing? Like: Not allowing smuggled ‘stuffs’? Catching a ‘pick-pocket’?

    The failure of intelligence, needn’t mean that the other departments stop working. I demand my security. But at the same time i wouldn’t mock at some lesser good the government does for its larger failure. A bad analogy would be to mock at a Ramesh who does bad in Madhyamik but manages to win a local gilli danda match.

  5. Prashant, When the smuggled stuff consists of “sex toys” and the achievements consist of stopping parties that have men and women dancing, I would not let it fall under “whatever good it is doing”.

  6. I think girl’s toys should be allowed, but like some of the boy’s toys one can only buy them after he pays 181 % and VAT on the combined price.

  7. And I wonder how RSS-Shivsena-Bajrang Dal can create more hungama for valentines day then they can for anything else!

  8. Albert Pinto (fultoo gusse mein) July 22, 2011 — 2:57 pm

    At least in these issues it is more appropriate to blame the civil servants rather than the politicans/ministers. These and gazillion of toher stupid small rules are framed by the petty-minded dimwits that get into the civil services every year. These officers bear the same attitude that the Kings of yore used to have…. that by doing something which would easily be a part of their job responsibilities.. they are doing a favour on the masses. That condescending paternal attitude leads them to believe that they can decide what’s good for the unwashed masses. Given that many of their erstwhile arenas of power have been eroded now…what with the capitalism…. all they can do to assure themselves of the same superior air is to frame these tiny nagging rules and crap on the nation.
    Every rule like these should have the name of the officer who proposed that rule along with the rule. At least one can use their names suffixed or prefixed with chaste hindi cuss words.

  9. link please. How did I miss this?

  10. The reason why police aggressively pursue these kind of things is because they are a source of easy revenue. Catching a terrorist is risky business and has no prospect of financial gratification. On the other hand, an embarrassed couple or a teen partying at a place he should not be are easy victims, unlikely to retaliate and likely to pay up quietly. Which is why so much time and effort is spent pursuing such high crimes and misdemeanors.

  11. Yeah, I don’t understand how come the state that put it’s tail between it’s leg each time there is a blast, each time china kicks us between shins, each time US president raises his eyebrow, suddenly becomes a Hulk when it comes to curtailing our freedom. Suddenly their impotence disappears when they see their own citizens. Looks like they get some kind of sadistic pleasure in troubling their own people. I dont feel like celebrating independence day anymore because it gives me a false sense of freedom and independence. We are still being ruled by an autocratic regime.

    Maharashtra government says if you are 18 you can have beer but to drink hard drinks you have to be 25. Where is the logic ?

  12. BTW there might be a brighter side. Some IITian might be developing indigenous Sex toys somewhere. We have to only keep a watch on MidDay.

  13. Did you say “a Lady”, in the very first sentence! You guys are so hypocritical, I say…

  14. Totally agree with you, Arnab on the police getting financial gratification by busting parties, etc. point. SO true. Delightful read. Only you can write something like this. LOLing.

  15. I agree with your disgust at the police purposefully preying on people enjoying certain pleasures that society deems are below the moral belt. Couples are still afraid to walk around holding hands, clubs/discos etc will always be under threat of closing down if the local mafia (read police) is not satiated. The whole thing is contemptible.

  16. The government is allowing these attacks to take place to reduce our population.
    Thats the only explanation i have.

    A bit related but amusing post :

  17. Deal Do! Dil Do! OMG!!

  18. When I read that news, I was also actually wondering what was wrong with bringing sex toys – the answer to which I am still unable to fathom and I am sure even when I come to know of it, it would definitely be a stupid one coming from an Indian Babu. I agree that the police aggressively pursue these kind of things because they are a source of easy revenue. But at the same time I think, the police would have let her off if the quantity was one or two, but in this case it was over 60 sex toys, commercial quantities of expensive lingerie, kinky games on CDs and over Rs 6 lakh worth of jewellery through the green channel. In any case, they should not have divulged her identity, where she was coming from, and her statement which I think was definitely supposed to be confidential.

  19. I have seen lot of policeman catch people which has cellphone with MMS clips or films in mumbai. Then they demand 10k rs and will say that you will face 10 years jail if you don’t pay. My friend had similar experience. And generally people pays the money because they will get embarrassed if their family comes to know all this.

  20. isnt it a lovely place we live in, where politicians, government and our gods can come and go into our bedrooms as and when they please…no wonder we need our sex toys…

  21. Probably the govt is just trying to ensure that in the face of rising food prices, we can make our ends meet with the yams, radishes and snake gourds that are available in the market.

  22. If you use the right terminology – lingam – and a tika – they let you go.

  23. As Russell Peters said in one of his jokes…”Indians go: nooooo, we don’t speak about sex. And you just have to look at the 2 largest populations in the world!! Somebody’s f***ing!!!”

    I agree with you dada. Hypocrisy is our first name and Apathy is our last name…what a deadly combination!!

  24. what timing ! just last eveninmg, i was feeling a little out of tune and hence decided to go for a long drive and parked my car next to a Lake (yeah a lake in Mumbai) and decided to just be enjoying the water for a while…

    next thing i know, u

  25. Oops, pressed the enter button too soon ! half comment there..Full comment is here :-

    what timing ! just last evening, i was feeling a little out of tune and hence decided to go for a long drive and parked my car next to a Lake (yeah a lake in Mumbai) and decided to just be enjoying the water for a while…

    next thing i know, there is apolice man dangerously close to my car wondering if there was a couple nicking in 7 int he evening…after i glared at them, they moved ahead..another car was parked a little ahead of me where there was a man (alone) sitting in the car enjoying a ciggie..The cops made him get out, checked his papers, questioned him at length and mad ehim leave the spot..

    i was like WTF ?
    instead of keeping an eye on heavily crowded places and checking on suspicious looking mmiscreants, you are ordering people to leave the lakeside , ONLY coz you want to abuse ur uniform (and somehow massage ur egos)…

    You are right,the priorities are not just in line..they have lost it somewhere, half way !

  26. This is a joke, surely, GB. This cannot be real. I mean, THAT bad? 😦

  27. As reported by the newspapers here in Mumbai, the charge the custom guys levied was bringing in the ‘toys’ in commercial quantity – the lady had explained that the toys and stuff are for her daughter who is getting married shortly ( Seriously !)

  28. immoral and unhealthy July 23, 2011 — 11:02 am

    imported things like these may or may not have passed health checks and manufacturers tag them as novelty to bypass and use restricted toxics while manufacturing them. And it will only create immoral environment. we dont need to ape west in all sections.

    some things may be allowed but it should be medical aid sort of thing.

  29. And we wonder why the terrorists are able to literally walk into our country,carry out deadly terror strikes and walk out,without breaking a sweat!

    I remember having read a book by former Cabinet Secretary T.S.R.Subramaniam in which he says that Governments everywhere exist for the sole purpose of the welfare of the government employee and the well-being of the governed couldn’t be farther from their minds.The author insists that this statement is issued in light of his long experience at various administrative capacities in India along with stints across the globe at various UN posts.

    This curious case can be explained as the result of the eager Customs officer taking his job a little too literally.Jokes apart,sex toys are available at ‘duty paid shops'(the name is an oxymoron as most of them deal in contraband and smuggled goods)across the country and although not kept in display will be produced once the customer asks for them and the seller is convinced that he/she is a genuine buyer.On enquiring,one shop-keeper told me that these were sourced from China and would be shipped in under the title ‘electronic goods’ or ‘computer components’-the latter being favoured since they all fell under the lowest duty bracket.It is rumoured that most of these ‘electronic goods’ enter the country via the port of Chennai,where it is rumoured a three year posting costs tens of Lakhs of Rupees with stiff competition amongst Customs Officers eager to serve their motherland.

  30. Inside info is that the woman was a CBI plant who was to distribute those toys among, um, “embedded” terrorists and their concubines so that the spirit of Jihad is all spilled prematurely. CBI just bungled and forgot to alert airport security.

  31. wow awesome post
    Sometimes we feel why is police required?
    do you know the full form of police?
    Protection of law in city environment.
    but all it does is violation of law in city environment
    very good post.keep it up GB.

  32. Apparently what ticked off the security establishment was the suspicious description of the gadget “to be used for in-depth analyzing …”. I won’t blame them.

  33. The news article –

    The article says total goods found was worth 8 lakh. THAT is quite a big amount, no?

  34. Tejas,

    Sex toys are illegal in the country. In 2007, there was a controversy which resulted in a letter to MMS.

  35. Just like What would Seth Godin Do and What would Google do, we should have our own version of opinion polls and line of thought – what would Diggy raja say?

    Any guesses? 😀

  36. GB no post of yours in todays D.N.A newspaper

  37. the indian state is a generally heartless beast .. but one has to love how they interpret their priorities!

  38. I think that one person has touched the aspect of commercial quantity… the other / related point is that if you import any thing beyond INR 25000, you are liable to pay duty.

    I believe, from a reading of the article, that the lady was not ready to pay the duty… she was moving to green channel (no duty) and hence she is also liable for ‘custom duty evasion’… for the items that are not ‘illegal’ … the lingeri aspect.

  39. I remember there was a huge hue & cry when Durex launched a condom with a vibrating ring… i remember the moral brigade saying “what if people remove the ring an use it with their hands?” 😀

  40. Thank goodness! I was thinking of bring some of those khilonas as gifts back from Amsterdam 😉

  41. Illegal, you say? How about the public display of humongous phallic shapes atop tanks in the I/R-day parade? The same big boys salute these toys all right!

  42. In this regard, recall that both aggression and sexual gratification can be traced to common neurochemicals like dopamine —

  43. Pingback: My Web Log
  44. Whats next – a new ministry modeled on ‘the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vices’ ?? As made famous by the afghan taliban?

  45. Dude.. U are a half boiled egg. The lady was arrested for evading the import duty. She brought sex-toys are worth 1.5 lac INR. I had no problem in the airport with 4-5 sex toys in my baggage. Any legal item for personal use is duty free but that does not applies to items for commercial use.

  46. I guess I am not going to buy your book ‘May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss’.I feel it will be more like an empty vessel making a lot of noise. After reading your article on Patriotism and NRI, I thought you are a sensible NRI. I guess I am wrong, you are one among the half baked NRIs.

  47. “zorrrrrrrrrrrrr se bolo comdoooooooooom”
    india has really gone ahead . they dont even care families are out there .. arent they retarded?
    they dont even show single kiss on doordarshan ,never saw in my childhood, PORN IS BANNED , but “zor se bolo condom” ., isnt it irony ?
    on one side you talk about moral values and on other side ‘zor se bolo condom’ . if you want to educate people then implement sex education.why using shortcut like ‘zor se bolo condom’ ?

  48. As a conservative, I find it strange that any aversion to encouraging lax behavior is looked on as hypocrisy.

  49. It depends on how big the smuggle was. If she was smugging one or two sex toys then the whole interrogation was just plain ridiculous. If she was smuggling a bag full of electronics without declaring it, they have to do their duty right? Unfortunately, they just go by what looks suspicious, not based on the big picture like “Last time we let a terrorist walk in, so we should not take our jobs seriously on a middle aged woman”.
    Same with party raids. Until they know that its just men and women dancing, they might be thinking its a drug-fest. It becomes “an unnecessary use of important police work that could have been used elsewhere”, ONLY after the interrogation.

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