The JawaniPur Fest

Reporting live from the Jawanipur Cliterature Fest—- Into its sixty-ninth edition, this the largest convention of adult media lovers, has had its biggest year yet. And no I am not referring to the orgasmic frenzy triggered by the arrival of Oooh-aaah, one of the biggest adult stars of the world who spectacularly announced at the fest grounds that his life has been like the Qutb Minar. Nor am I referring to the massive numbers who have thronged and thong-ed the venue. I am talking instead about the huge controversy that has blown everyone away—what the press are calling now  L’affair Savita Bhabhi.

Trouble started once it was announced that Savita Bhabhi, has been asked to deliver the event keynote.

Viewers may remember that Savita Bhabhi is officially banned in the republic of Offendia.

[Cut to shot of person from “Protection of Pubic Morality And Phemily Values”]  “This lady has destroyed the moral fabric of our nation. Saali hoti hai aadhi gharwaali, bhabhi ke saath kare kharabi—– when will the dirtyfication of our pavitra rishtas stop? Is there nothing sacred any more?”]

A few days ago, the government of Offendia declared that they had intelligence that four gang-bangers, essentially killers for money-shots, were coming to the festival site to gag the Bhabhi. The response to this threat (which some quarters have suggested is very very silicon-fake) from the festival organizers has been mixed—they had told Ms. Bhabhi to come, stop, come again and then stop leading to speculation whether pressure is being brought to bear from various quarters, some of them quite high-up.

A festival spokesman said “This is an event where adult media lovers from all over the world, common men and women like the pizza-delivery man, mailman, nurse, cop, come and share whatever it is they want to share with similar-minded people.  We do not want controversy but honestly do not mind the free press it gives us.”

Speaking exclusively to our channel, a critic of the Fest said “Hah ! Don’t let the egalitarian claptrap fool you. This fest is what is known as the velvet room in an orgy…the elite sanctum where you can look in but cannot enter. It’s all mutual back-patting and la-dee-daa-ing inside. A bunch of swollen heads trying to get a head. And this Bhabhi thing—-fashionable champagne activism from the velvet room. Hah again!”

Speaking also exclusively to our channel, a critic of the critic of the Fest  stuck his head out from the velvet room “That man is just jealous he was not invited. What a troll. Incidentally, all of us here appreciate the fact that Bhabhi has taken a position and is not kneeling down.”

And if all the drama was not enough, the very popular author of “Point Five Something” and “One Night At Call Girl Center”, in one of the sessions, opined that one must not make heroines out of people who give too much attention to lingerie-salesmen or boys playing cricket near her home. This statement was greeted with shocked gasps by the Fest crowd, most of whom revere Bhabhi as an iconic figure, one who has stood for freedom of speech and action for decades.

In protest against what they perceived as a hardening of stances, four courageous authors performed acts from some of her most famous works (like the very Kafkaian “Interview” ) in public. The festival authorities have gone on record saying that they would like to keep their hands-off from this though they have been watching from a distance. Some of the courageous authors then took planes and left the country, once it became public knowledge that law enforcement have been playing their tapes again and again with sound-off.

There was talk that Bhabhi might do a live webcam performance but even that the authorities shot down. Instead she put out an oral statement where she said that the top of the country has not been with her but the bottom has always been with her. “A woman of the people I am” she said her voice dripping with emotion to which the Fest critic merely gave a light tremor of disapproval.

(Some ideas based on discussion on Twitter)

[Note: My book “The Mine” has its launch event on the 27th at India International Center, 40 Max Mueller Marg from 6:30 pm. I will be in conversation with noted critic Jaiarjun Singh. If in Delhi, please plan to be there.]

27 thoughts on “The JawaniPur Fest

  1. First! Ipad??

  2. This has to be the most fuckin hilarious piece you have ever written!!! I have stiffened up laughing 🙂

  3. Writing such blogs is against Indian Culture. An RSS trained crow will shit on you car today …

  4. Finally Savita Bhabhi got on TV in the evening with some girl-on-girl action with the noted guerrilla performer, Gurkha Butt.

  5. … they banned Satanic Verses but not “The Satan Bhagat”

  6. Ranadurjay Talukdar January 25, 2012 — 9:02 am

    As Larry David would say, “pretty good. Pretty, pretty good.”

  7. hahahah..long live Savita Bhabhi..

  8. do ask the delhiites to raise voice for 100% VISIBILITY IN GLASSES OF VEHICLES.
    My friend had filed a PIL in supreme court regarding this and govt has been asked to respond to it.

    You will be surprised to know abt places near delhi where women are purchased and kept at home.

  9. Take a bow….this is vintage GB….too good

  10. what re greatbong…too scared to actually talk about Satanic verses?
    Too afraid to deal with the Jihadi bombs.
    So trying to Savita bhabify and switch the responders. Small irritants they are.

    A holy cow just shit on your virtual future. Unhorny things will soon start to happen in your life shortly

  11. Uskiball Skoshki January 25, 2012 — 3:05 pm

    hilarious piece GreatBang !

  12. @greatbong: Awesome shala!

    @Shan: Pretty good name that you have come up with : Gu’ka Butt

  13. This is one of the best critique of the Literature Event I have read. Quite hilarious indeed :D.
    The metaphor is spot on. The festival has screwed those who are actually fans of good literature and went there with a lot of hope. And what did they get….A Cow, CB and Oprah.
    Nothing much to add on CB, me thinks enough has been said about him.


    Still….would like to know your views about jlf…after pardoning the small oversight by organisers to not invite the bong we love,of course….i think its great for the literary scene in india…..
    Also do write about your indian adventures…..i could not meet you this time but i seriously look forward to having a chat with you about all and sundry ….may be on the success party of GB selling along with CB nippo and nirodh…. the blog is good enough.till then:-)

  15. Haha!
    There are those who repel Bhabhi. Must be some impotent people, hmm.

  16. GB – fatiye diyecho guru…

    @Vinod – Like the ‘Satan bhagat’ part…

    I was literally stunned at the comment of candyfloss bhagat when he tried to share his ‘offend none – oh I am so impartial’ criticism of Rushdie. what is he trying to do next? fight an election in UP?

  17. Very very good post GB !

  18. bhery bhery nice GB.
    @ Sagar – well said…lol

  19. Greatbong
    on a completely unrelated (but one of your favourite) topics:

    Take a look.

  20. Dude, not upto your usual standards….


    “Nilanjana Roy wrote a piece where she said the only difference between Chetan Bhagat and Salman Rushdie — the reason why we should pay attention to Rushdie, is that Chetan Bhagat has never offended anyone. That’s an entitlement of a writer. That is the most disturbing thing about Chetan Bhagat.”

    Well as soon as I read this I remembered Arnab!

  22. GB, liked that Offendia thing .. wonder when will you be invited to the fest
    waitin for ur blog on oprah

  23. this went over the head

  24. Your tale of Nehru-Gandhara dynasty is still the best.

  25. Hilarious to the core! Though it’s the first time that this me who is an ignoramus is reading thy blog, I wonder why I’ve not done so before. Might keep haunting this blog because your take on the entire “Savita Bhabi” issue is boggling my mind as to what your opinion on other such “in interest of the public” issues might be.

    P.S. :- Is it true you’re gonna be Landmark, Mumbai this weekend for your book launch?

  26. Lovely! THAT Twitter Conversation 😛

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