The Asli Agent Vinod

[Also published in DNA]

Gather round, children. Today I shall tell you the story of Agent Vinod. Not the Saif Ali Khan- Agent Vinod but the one who came before him, the original “Agent Vinod” from the 1977 movie with the same name.

It was a landmark year for international intrigue. Times were so bad that Iftikaar,  known to play the staid police commissioner who encircles the bad guys ( “Police tumhe chaaron tarah se gher liya hai”), had crossed over to the dark side. There he was heading an international gang of intrigue, which not  content with blowing up what looked suspiciously on-screen like toy-trains and doll-houses, had also hatched a sinister plot which involved kidnapping and imprisoning great scientist Ajay Saxena (Nazir Hussain)  in a lair that had sharp dildos descending from the roof and, even more dangerously, lip-shaped TV screens. Why did they do this? So that they could obtain from him a secret formula he had developed, one that could negate even the effects of a Hydrogen-bomb.

And that plot would have succeeded had it not been for Agent Vinod, played with aplomb by the Daniel-Craig-look-alike Mahendra Sandhu. Do not be fooled by his cross-eyed, paunchy, hairy exterior. Do not be taken in by his cringe-inducing shayris and the bizarre English proverbs like “Never shoot a guy who gives you a gun”.

For Agent Vinod was quite the player. He dispatched villains by spinning like a top on a revolving chair. He assaulted their arses with strategically placed cacti. He ate with chop sticks. He somersaulted from six stories up to land perfectly on a motorcycle parked below. He seduced armies of bell-bottom-clad comely aunties with a wink and a knowing smile, which made them all “paseena paseena”. He discovered spies and moles like a bear does honey, helped only mildly by the fact that the under-cover bad guys all had prominent scorpion tattoos on their hands.

Nothing surprising in all this marvelousness for as his boss, the redoubtable spy-master (played by K.N.Singh)  said with barely concealed reverence—- “woh lomri ka dimaag rakhta hai aur sher ka jigar.” Even the bad men knew not to mess with him. For instance, when once one of them said “Hands up” and Agent Vinod retorted “Mera haath upar karoonga to qayamat a jayega”, they hesitated for a vital second, worried as to what hell might emanate from his sher-like armpits.

Does the new agent Vinod command that respect? I don’t think so. He is too busy slapping people that come in the way of him and his friends having a good time.

The old Agent Vinod too had great friends, without whom he would not have succeeded— a side-kick named James Bond (played by Jagdeep) who wore the hat from Dr. Seuss’s “Cat In the Hat”, a fisherwoman, a Sardarji, a lady-love Anju(Asha Sachdev) and most importantly, a Sanath Jayasurya-lookalike scientist.who worked in a laboratory with beakers full of chemicals which, to an untrained eye, looked like orange drink made from Rasna concentrate.

If there is any doubt left that the original Agent Vinod was awesome, sample this sequence.

Anju (Asha Sachdev) uses two marks of a black pen to paint a moustache so that she can pretend to be a man. So masterful is her disguise that even the Lomri-dimaag Agent finds it difficult to recognize her as a woman, despite her rather prominent Anjus. He asks “him” “his name”. “Ram Singh” is the answer. To which he reaches forward, massages her/his thighs and says with a wink “Tumhara naam aaj se Mulayam Singh rakh lo”.

Smart. Sexy. And still politically relevant after all these years. That’s the old Agent Vinod for you.

A classic.

The Mine is now available for Kindle. Please use this link to buy the book if you are outside India.

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33 thoughts on “The Asli Agent Vinod

  1. “Tumhara naam aaj se Mulayam Singh rakh lo”. – priceless
    A bit disappointed at the end of the post. would have liked a longer post with something on the new AV too.

  2. “…most importantly, a Sanath Jayasurya-lookalike scientist.who worked in a laboratory with beakers full of chemicals which, to an untrained eye, looked like orange drink made from Rasna concentrate.”

    LMAO

  3. I don’t have a kindle. !

  4. You can read Kindle books on PC and any smart phone using the free Kindle application, @Tejaswy.

  5. So what’s your take on the new one. Critics have panned it so far, I loved it though.

  6. plz write on our president whose phoren visits with relatives costed the nation whopping 200 crores !! what the ******* !

  7. bluetoothbuddha March 25, 2012 — 12:27 pm

    Was that ‘Mulayam Singh’ line really in the movie? Or did you make it up?
    Good one, once again, thanks.

  8. Bluetoothbuddha,

    I did not make it up. That line is there in “Agent Vinod”.

  9. No. I have been copied though. Without attribution.

  10. To see the movie in all its gory glory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8SvA21loJI

  11. nice post mann……….i loved the movie at one point of time…

  12. and sir if u can please check my blog…..beacause i am new to this place and will love to learn from you guys

  13. it should be – Police ne tumhe chaaron taraf se gher liya hai

  14. When I first saw the movie, I enjoyed it barring the Jagdeep track.
    The car chase, halfway through the movie is one gem of a sequence.
    I saw the new Agent Vinod and was terribly disappointed. I would still rate the original one higher than the new one.

  15. GreatBong maharaj…I thought not many would see the original Agent Vinod but aapne once again hence proved kar dala!
    BTW, the shayari was actually tongue in cheek and I kinda wanted to see Saif as a shayari spouting ass kicking agent. And Asha Sachedeva’s “ANJUS”!! ROFL!!!

  16. Brilliant post. I have been a fan of movies like Gunda, (Asli) AV, Loha… unpretentious, simple and super timepass. Aaj ka AV cant be all those things.

  17. Brilliant, just brilliant…
    “anjus” hahahhahaha

  18. “her rather prominent Anjus” haha

  19. GB…. waiting for your take on General Singh vs MOD/Army

  20. Ha ha ha..Laughed so hard I thought I’d split my sides. Who cares about the new Agent Vinod.. I’m definitely going to see the “classic”.

  21. hahahahaha, “her prominent anjus”

  22. Ordered THE MINE from FlipKart.. Friggin friend stole it “borrowed” ..Now waiting to finally get my paws on it but heard good review from what he has read..

  23. khub bhalo likhecho GB….khub bhalo

  24. GB , finished reading The Mine this weekend.I can’t exactly point out whether it was entertaining , scary , full of masala or all of these.The ending , though was haunting.

  25. ANJUS bwahahaha
    *yeah that seems to be the runaway favorite in a blogful of GBisms*

  26. Well I think India’s best super apy/agent has to be Gunmaster G9 – Suraksha as a movie is a masterpiece 😀

  27. Still trying to wrap my head around ““Never shoot a guy who gives you a gun”…

    1. Yes you are right. I plagiarized this article from Arnab Ray who wrote it in DNA. BTW do you know my name? I plagiarized that too from the same Arnab Ray. Also did you read the first few words of the post?

  28. Shame on you for the pla… plagi…plagiza… for copying! You’ve devastated me, one of your greatest fans. I shall henceforth refer to you as “Slightly Above Average Bong” 😦

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