[With new updates]
1. Rajanikanth: Eternal favorite. Here is one person who everyone in India, North or South, can agree is awesome. With Rajani, we won’t need Inter continental Ballistic Missiles. He will point his finger and Helsinki will be obliterated in a second. Why just Helsinki? If he twirls his goggles, the shock waves of that act will travel light-years and rip off the testicles of the Klingon commander in Argelius V. Only he can tell China “I will do what I say. I will also do what I don’t say”, which is guaranteed to put the fear of God in those Godless Commies. The fear of Rajani more precisely.
2. Arundhati Roy: I may be wrong but Ms. Roy may have surrendered her Indian citizenship. Of course, metaphorically, of course. So she is definitely eligible for the post. A leading public intellectual and the toast of the chattering classes, she would bring to the Presidential post the same clarity of thought and pragmatism that she exhibits in her tweleve-page ramblings, which some believe is auto-generated from a dictionary of phrases like “Hindu right wing” ” military-government-industry cabal” and “exploitation of lower classes” and “Gandhi-ian with guns”, tracts of such marvelous quality that, aaj bhi mothers tell their babies “So ja naheen to Arundhati Roy ek aur twelve-pager likhegi”. Vice-president suggestion: Aakar Patel. Why have Aliens vs Predators when you can have both together, on the same side?
3. Mamata Banerjee: The Red Fort may become the Blue Fort. The country may become North Korea with its own government-run paper and TV channel that will carry government-positive-only stories. (Wait, that used to be Doordarshan. DD. Or Didi.) The person who used to campaign for President’s Rule, before she became Chief Minister and discovered the joys of federalism, may once again embrace the joys of President’s Rule because she will be the President herself. And boy, does she love her own Rule. And Rules. The benefits of Didi becoming the President are many, including but not limited to the fact that she will no longer be the Chief Minister of Bengal. And people can laugh again without looking over their shoulders.
4. Mahesh Bhatt: Many pundits say that it is now time to move on from 26/11 and reach out to Pakistan in the spirit of Aman-Asha. I agree. The best way to do this would have been to make Kasab President but then again since he is a Pakistani citizen, he perhaps is not eligible. Sania-Bhabhi would also be a good candidate as an emblem of cross-border bonhomie. But unfortunately she is below the age-threshold needed to be President. Though one can argue that if “true” age is defined by how fit and athletic one looks while moving, like say on a tennis court, then she definitely would qualify to be a BJP leader. Which leaves us with Mahesh Bhatt, who will be awesome in this context. Hell, he might even get Atif Aslam to sing our national anthem, Rock-Sufi style.
5. Robert Vadhra: See this guy already has immunity from searches at airports, like the President. So in a way, he is already, to quote Bon Jovi’s Living On a Prayer, “half-way there”. And we all know, Rahul Gandhi will become the Prime Minister, because, to quote Paolo Coelho, when someone in the Gandhi family wants something, the entire world (at least the Congress party) helps them attain it. With Robert as President, the whole Rashtra Pati Bhavan will become like a set of a Sooraj Barjatiya movie, with Dhiktana dances and friendly cricket games on the lawns. And never any friction, like once came to pass between President Zail Singh and Rajiv Gandhi.
6. Poonam Pandey: Comes with her own C-category security, strong enough to bounce back any missiles from foreign countries. Truly a commander-in-chief who shall lead from the front, enhanced as it is. One of the complaints about the Presidency over the years is that often the citizens have no idea as to what the President is doing. Poonam Pandey will rectify that by supplying an over-dose of information, helped by her dedicated (im) plants in the Press, who shall inform us, even when we do not want to know, every detail about her daily activities.
7. NOT Sachin Tendulkar. I know many people want Sachin to be the President. I certainly do not. First of all, his record of “leading” the team is not that great. Second, it is said that when he performs the team loses. So if he,as President gives a good speech, I am afraid the county might get invaded. Lastly, the President comes with a fixed-term of service. And Sachin, as we have seen of late, does not take kindly to upper-time-limits being imposed on his tenure. Since “No one can tell Sachin to step down” (Fundamental Axiom 1) and he might not want to either (Fundamental Axiom 2), this might create some Idi-Aminish problems.
8. Myself: Yes. Me. First of all, I am a minority candidate since I consider myself (like everybody does themselves) to be in the 10% category of smart Indians that Justice Katju has defined. I like to travel to foreign countries. I also like to host 7-course state dinners and live in a big big house. I can give speeches at will on various topics. After all I blog, don’t I? What will I do if the country faces an emergency, which is when the President is really needed, and I am called to make a critical decision?
Do exactly what those in power in Delhi today do. Ask Madam.
[Acknowledgement: Twitter for the “Didi=DD” reference]