Watching Sunny Leone’s career is like rewinding a porn VHS—it starts out with full nudity and progresses to demurely clothed. She needs no introduction, of course, merely a Google search. Suffice to say, Leone grew up like many others, playing with toys along with other female friends,before moving on to other greater things, like Picasso in his “blue” period, blowing hot and cold and taking as many positions as Mitt Romney. Shooting into prominence for her appearance in a show that may be referred to, without loss of generality, as Big Bs, she caught the talent-spotting eyes of Mahesh Bhatt who then cast her in his daughter’s film “Jizz Em 2” or, as it is called in India, Jism 2. Purely for her acting abilities. And of course because of her attention to detail, for which it seems she wanted to see health certificates (for HIV apparently) of her male co-stars [Link], perhaps because she did not quite understand what “getting into a character” meant.
The film however is Pooja Bhatt’s and she displays a penchant for giving the audience what they are not expecting. Like gratuitous shots of Randeep Hooda’s nipple, which I am pretty sure was not the nipple people paid money to see. In the hands of a lesser auteur, Jism 2 would have been a sultry sensuality-fest, which was kind of what it was advertised to be. That was however the set-up, the sleight of hand of a master magician. Jism 2 is about as arousing as wading through a three-hundred page government document for improving the production of Bajra.
Truth be told, it’s not even about marquee star Sunny Leone, whose heavy-breathing expressions do add another dimension to her multi-D talents.
No. The soul of Jism 2 is Arif Zakaria. I first became his fan in “Asambhav” when despite being a part of a stellar buffet of sumptousity, that consisted of lock-jawed Arjun Rampal, rapacious Milind Gunaji, boisterous Mukesh Rishi, and, most importantly, Anupama Verma’s legs, he stole the show with his lusty “Alissshaaaaaaaaaaa”. This was then followed by genre-busting role as the absolutely degenerate Iyer (known for drawing asleel tasweerein) in Haunted 3D, which is described, at the time of writing, thusly in Wikipedia:
In 2011, he played the ghost that haunts the female protagonist in “Vikram Bhatt”‘s “Haunted (2011 film)” & was appreciated for the ghastly portrayal of a piano teacher falling in love with his young student who gets murdered while making advances towards her and rapes her as a ghost which forces her to commit suicide in the movie.
In short, an extremely nuanced and complex role.
In Jism 2, he plays the “head” of the Agency, a shady counter-terrorism organization, based in Sri Lanka (As an aside: yes even our movies are now like our cricket…it’s all about Sri Lanka). Every second of screen-time Mr. Zakaria gets, he chews the scenery. No no change that. Chewing the scenery would be too quotidian. Mr. Zakaria bites it off like a shark does a swimmer’s leg, masticates it with absolute single-mindedness and then spits it out at the camera. He is perennially in the grip of a silent burning passion, nowhere as clearly articulated as when he tells Isna (Sunny Leone) that when it comes to seducing the mark, “Tumhe sab kuch karna hain…sab kuch”. I don’t know about anyone else, but when he said that, at least I felt “kuch kuch.”
The story is as original as any extreme adult film, you know, like where the pizza-man comes to deliver pizza and intensely interacts with the lady of the house (except of course Jism 2 does not have interactions). Irna (Sunny Leone) is a cleavage-baring lady in red who while walking around, casually striking chaste lesbian poses is picked up by a horse-man Ayaan (Arunadaya Singh). After a night of whole-some lovemaking (not shown), the horse-man reveals that “main intelligence ki aadmi hoon” with presumably the reason he got down to his chaddis so quickly was so that he could give her a mission “briefing”.
Impressed by his largeness, she says “Aap to kafi baade aadmi nikle”.
But unfortunately she has to say “No thank you” to his offer for sloppy seconds. The horse-man Ayaan makes an appeal to her patriotism. She replies “‘Mulk ke madaat main to paheli se hi kar rahe hoon, apni kapde utaarke”.
And as Poonam Pandey has taught us, no one loves their country more than one who strips for it.
The horse-man Ayaan, in return, gets passionate and shouts ” Kab tak utarogi yeh kapde” to which Irna states her price—10 crores and first-class travel.
She is then whisked off to Sri Lanka to meet the Head, Arif Zakaria, who, between intense rolling of eyes and shaking of a mane of perfectly boot-polished hair, lays out the plan—Irna has to go under cover, and then take off all her covers to seduce the dangerous terrorist Kabir (Randeep Hooda) and find out where he has hidden the “data”. Why Irna? Because she used to be Kabir’s girl-friend and so intense is his love that after their split, he has “had no girl-friends… no prostitutes even”. Which granted is a very intense sort of love. After some counter-suggestions from Irna given to the “Head” , most pointedly a suggestion for a gang-banging “Yeh kaam to aap sab milkar bhi kar sakte hain”, all of which are shot down, she is dispatched, posing as the horse-man’s fiance, to Galle in order to seduce and.. ahem…bring the serpent out of its hole (” Taaki woh saap ap ke bil se bahar a jaaye”).
There, she meets Kabir (Randeep Hooda) who looks like the serpent is caught permanently in a zipper, so perpetually tortured his expressions are. A dangerous game beings, a game of sensuality (“Naheen nikaal payogi tum, nahi main nikaal payoonga”), data-extraction (“Yeh data tum jaise rakshon ko kabhi naheen dungi”), pre-mature firing (“We have to do something naheen to mission suru karne ke liye pahele hi khatam ho jayega”), post-mature release (“Wait, I have not finished yet”), austere serenity (“Sab natak hain behenchod”), intense self-realization (“You fucked him”), horsing around (“Mera sabse behtereen siphahi ek langde ghore ke tarah kona pakadke khada hai”) and creepy mystery (What exactly does Irna when she asks Kabir to meet her in the “highway ka jungle”?)
Contributing no less to the experience are the marvelously-written lines like when Hooda’s character, after some excitement, says “Ja soja mera Laxman, tu hi mere hifazat ke liye barson se jagaa hai”.
And finally the ending, you never saw it coming, unless you have seen Gangster of course.
In short, a glorious celluloid achievement, the type that makes the audience scream for “release”, Sunny Leone stylie, “Mujhe mukti chahiye”.
The Greatbong Blog & Podcast 
MacBook.
Second!
Arif Zakaria was actually quite impressive in Darmiyan.
“Jism 2 is about as
arousing as wading through a
three-hundred page government
document for improving the
production of Bajra.”
LOOOL!
Awesome!
Totally loved this review GB
Sometimes ur reviews r more entertaining than the movies themselves 😀
Jizz Em 2, ….”because she did not quite understand what “getting into a character” meant….” 😉
great!! really like this play of words…maybe it could be “Jizz Umm 2 also…
I think Arif had played good role in “Chunauti” a serial telecasted on doordarshan aeons back…
Always pleasure to read your blogs, of course commenting first time….
Typical GB ‘review’. very sharp and funny indeed. 🙂
But is it ok ,in your view, to even call it a review when the only thing you have done here is retelling the story and made fun of the characters/actors/script?
P.S. : I totally adore your blog and haven’t missed reading a post in last 3 years.
Jizz em 2…
and all the innuendoes that follow.
Masterful.
I dont know what has gotten into Bollywood. A series of “intelligence” related themes…each competing with the other for ludicrousness.
Honestly, what comes first for you, the movie or the review.
Great.. laughed after every third sentence while reading this review. haha
as one famous commenter (on rediff, of course) said: “This film is a learning curve 4 me and my wife, we both enjoyed the movie and shared popcorns..”
and another one quipped: “after each show, i am sure most rows will get slippery after movieBuffs would have done ApnaHaathJaganNath several times during enjoying the movie.”
Poor by GB’s standards. Maybe the movie didn’t merit a review by GB.
http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/arif-zakarias-blog/entry/a_few_good_men
How about this?
Hahaha ! You’re a great reviewer and a witty one, GB … with a penchant for classy double entendre. 🙂
Guess what? See this excerpt from this Washington Post article:
Director Pooja Bhatt insists there was no double entendre intended.
But the title, coupled with the oeuvre of the film’s leading lady, Sunny Leone, set off alarm bells at Apple, Google and YouTube.
Apple rejected the filmmakers’ request to list “Jism 2” — a sequel to the 2003 film “Jism” — on its Movie Talkies app.
“They wrote to us saying I’m sorry it’s a rude word, this is porn,” Bhatt said. “We said no it’s not, it’s a legitimate Hindi film and the word j-i-s-m actually means body.”
—————-
Interestingly, Sunny Leone’s horse-man Arunoday Singh is the grandson of late Indian politician, Arjun Singh (former Chief minister and Congress union minister). Arunoday’s father, Ajay Singh “Rahul” is the leader of the opposition of Madhya Pradesh state assembly.
Even if Arunoday Singh fails to “get it up” in movies, he can always run for the 2014 parliamentary elections and have a successful erection ..oops.. successful election.
After hyper-sexual proclivities & murder escapades led to the disappearance of Congressi leaders N.D.Tiwari, Abhishek Manu Singhvi, Mahipal Maderna & Malkhan Singh (in the Bhanwari Devi case), Manu Sharma (in the Jessica Lal case) and Sushil Sharma (in the Naina Sahni-in-the-Tandoor case), the Congress is looking for young blood and flesh talent… oops.. fresh talent to supplement the depleted team of Pappu Maino Amethi-wale .
So, be it films or politics, Arunoday’s future is bound to see a Arunoday (Sunrise).
And in other news, the entry of Sunny Leone has turned Bollywood into Bulla-Wood. (I thought Bulla and Wood meant the same thing?)
Excellent review. Only you can write like this.
“Jism 2 is about as arousing as wading through a three-hundred page government document for improving the production of Bajra.” …… ha ha ha ha ha ha
Hilarious!!!! as usual…Does he actually say “main intelligence ki aadmi hoon”.Well at times he actually looks like a girl with lipstick in the promos!!Haven’t seen the film yet.
On a separate and repetitive note. Is Gangs of Wasseypur still not released in US?
“she caught the talent-spotting eyes of Mahesh Bhatt who then cast her in his daughter’s film “Jizz Em 2? or, as it is called in India, Jism 2. Purely for her acting abilities”
“Jism 2 is about as arousing as wading through a three-hundred page government document for improving the production of Bajra.”
In true GB ishtyle !!!
Arif Zakaria has done it again! Brilliant. I will watch it ASAP
Haha!! Died almost..laughing…too good..you actually now aroused interest in me regarding watching the film!
GB you have outdone yourself – loved all the double entendres – though maybe that is being too complex for a bollywood movie *ing Sunny Leone – I guess they were meant to be single entendres !
Fuckin brilliant review !
Btw, why do I have a feeling that 10 years down the line..Jism-2 will become a cult mov like Gunda?
ROTFLMAO, however a small nitpicking. It should be ‘begins’ in “A dangerous game beings”
If nothing else, this should inspire some to join the intelligence in the “hope” of getting laid. Like all family run businesses the Bhatt family business of Jism production is one inefficient machine. Niether Good Porn nor a good movie.
sunny Leone should be used as weapon in delhi ! Ultimate vish kanya.
“….. like Picasso in his “blue” period, blowing hot and cold and taking as many positions as Mitt Romney”
hahaha … that cracked me up !
GB, Came back to the blog after sucha long time and so well rewarded i was..the review is HOWALIROUS 😀
Sunny’s rule bollywood …through muscles ..and flesh ;p
Arif Zakaria felt extremely left out since he did not have love scenes with Sunny and hence was orgasming in every scene that he faced her on screen.
After a long time loved the atmosphere in a multiplex in Pune where the comments were really free flowing and the hooting and clapping are deafening. Half the hall wanted to drink the coffee that Hooda threw away in the end in the hope that it would end their misery earlier !!!
Thankyou for the gist “Jism 2 is about as arousing as wading through a three-hundred page government document for improving the production of Bajra.”. Also thanks for saving me from watching Randeep Hooda’s up, close and personal shots 🙂
Kishan kanahiya and naughty girl !?
and do tell if u have seen that video from where the SL pic has been taken !
http://ibnlive.in.com/news/sunny-leone-takes-rs-5-lakh-to-attend-dahi-handi/280044-8-66.html
Arnab, strangely enough, my office net filter blocked this post (not the rest of your blog) as “Sex” category. Wonder why?
The review was not upto your standards.
If ever , there arises a need of a manual on ‘How Not To Act’, Jism-2 would definitely be the first choice. I had to endure the first half on my friend’s request, as he had booked the tickets. It’s a universal fact, porn stars make the worst actors
‘ After a night of whole-some lovemaking (not shown), the horse-man reveals that “main intelligence ki aadmi hoon” with presumably the reason he got down to his chaddis so quickly was so that he could give her a mission “briefing”.
Impressed by his largeness, she says “Aap to kafi baade aadmi nikle”.’
LLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
She caught Mahesh Butt!! … or but …err… did he catch her??? … OOps!!!
“main intelligence ki aadmi hoon” with presumably the reason he got down to his chaddis so quickly was so that he could give her a mission “briefing”.
Impressed by his largeness, she says “Aap to kafi baade aadmi nikle”.
It was such a *sad* movie. Everyone, everyone died including Randeep Hooda’s creepy side-kick!
Arif Zakaria looks like T-Bag from prison break