Targeting her Marxist opponents again, West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee alleged that CPI(M) was plotting with Maoists to kill her with the help of Pakistan’s ISI and financed by North Korea, Venezuela and Hungary. [Link]

“CPI(M) has joined hands with the Maoists in making a blueprint to kill me and to make room for their return to power in West Bengal which will never come off,” Ms Banerjee thundered at her first panchayat poll campaign. [Link]

Mamata Banerjee told an election meeting Thursday that many of the “so-called intellectuals and social workers” who went on television to discuss rape in Bengal were “associated with pornography”. [Link]

It is unfortunate to the extreme that sections of the media, have been trying to suggest that Mamata Banerjee is suffering from an irrational siege mentality, that somehow there is no such international “conspiracy” of the type she repeatedly keeps alluding to.

Well, there is.

The CIA and the Gassad (West Bengal’s secret service that subsists on oily papad-bhaja and kochuri) have been aware for some time of how North Korea, Venezuela and Hungary (even though it is strictly not Communist, the fact that it is Hung(a)ry means they have a strong Marxist tradition) and of course the Pakistanis have been conducting secret deliberations and strategizing on how to dismantle the greatest impediment to their national progress—namely the Trinamool government. It makes perfect sense. By following the policy of Ma Mati Manush, Didi  is making Calcutta into London and Bengal into Shangri-La, thus making countries like North Korea insecure in that they can no longer tell their population “We may not be doing too well  in terms of industry and development but we are definitely better off than West Bengal”.  Hence, they have been operating through their agents on the ground in Bengal, namely the Maoists, the CPM, the BJP, “a particular media group”, and an army of pornographers, so as to destabilize the government (In Bengal, we call it, Elmer Fudd-like, the gowment). What our honorable Chief Minister has not told us yet, perhaps because she does not want to scare her subjects, are the other participants in this conspiracy—-The Illuminati (In Bengal, they cleverly call themselves “Load Shedding” to stress lack of illumination), the Wapas Dei, the ThreeMasons (in Bengal, they are known as Rajmistris), the Ringwraiths (often found near Park Circus eating biriyani at Arsalan), the pornstar-Lenins (Lenin teri le legi tu likh ke le le as the song goes), Hyaenas from China and perhaps most dangerously, an army of indoctrinated cows who call themselves Moo-ists.

Recently in Kolkata and in certain district towns, there has been much uproar after a series of rapes, with ordinary people and “intellectuals” taking to the streets in protest, asking the government to do a better job in protecting women. These consiparators have been tomtoming a report  that has put West Bengal on top (for the second year running) in states with highest crimes against women, which on the face of it seems to castigate the present TMC government for not doing much. The operative word is “seems to”. First of all, statistics is an ISI (Indian Statistical Institute) conspiracy. Also take a look a little closely and you realize that the perpetrators of all these crimes must have all have been born during the CPM or Congress regime and hence it is those parties that should be blamed for their acts and not TMC. It’s here when the insidiousness of the scheme becomes apparent; that the CPM sowed these evil seeds such that they raise their head during Didi’s rule and besmirch her achievements.  The people making the accusations forget the fundamental axiom: “If it is something good, it’s TMC’s credit, if it is something bad, it’s previous government’s fault.” And if anyone has any problem with this, well to quote Didi “Apni ball marben ami over-boundary maarbo” (You hit me with a ball, I shall hit you for an over-boundary) (Video) [Side factoid: Raina has bought a Tshirt with this slogan printed and is packing it for South Africa tour]

The principal problem of course remains the Phantom Menace of Maoists. Like zombies from “The Walking Dead”, they are everywhere, waiting to spring out in front of the chief minister when she least expects it. Like the simple village women who accosted the Chief Minister, protesting against atrocities against women. CPM-Maoists. Like the student who asked the Chief Minister a question in a televised town-hall meeting. CPM-Maoist. Like the TMC party-man who questioned Mamata at a rally. Maoist. (He later joined BJP) Like the man who surrendered himself in front of the CM’s house declaring himself a Maoist. Now this guy is NOT a Maoist. And that’s highly suspicious too.

And here is where the rubber really hits the road. In a state where there are so many Maoists lurking about in 2013, one would think we have had Maoists here for ages. Not so. In 2010, there were no Maoists in Bengal. Yes you read that right. Skeptical? Well Didi herself said that there are no Maoists (link) and we know she is not part of the conspiracy. So how did all these Maoists get into Bengal within three years? We don’t know but I think, and I don’t have any proof of this, that the Federation from Star Trek is beaming Maoists from Rigulus V right into the heart of the state. The reason I say this is the color of Scottie’s jersey, yes the man who mans the transporter. Which for all you non-Trekkies is red. Red like…you know the rest.

What really shocked me was this snippet carried on NDTV where Aparna Sen expresses her shock at the way Mamata Banerjee has changed from the time she and her fellow intellectuals walked in support of her. Oh my goodness “Ami Miss Calcutta 1976”. You want poriborton and then get all upset once you get it. Ms. Sen claims Didi used to be so sensitive to rape victims before and now she isn’t. In those days, and many of us are old enough to remember, whenever there was any case of harassment of women, Didi would rush to the site and demand the dismissal of the CPM government for breakdown of law and order machinery. Now even when no one does anything or even blames her, because there is basically no Opposition in the state, Didi claims that the Maoists and the CPM and the media channels are politicizing the issue of rape just for their nefarious agenda. Nothing wrong about this. People change. Circumstances change. She was in the opposition then and now she is the ruler.  What is your problem? Do you have any problem?

Here is another example of poriborton. There was a time when Banerjee was synonymous with bandhs, where many felt that her espousal of bandhs, which caused untold misery and loss of productivity, was populism at its most aggressive? After all, how can you not like the person who gives you free holidays? Now she has changed after becoming Chief Minister. As a matter of fact,  she has become violently against all bandhs (“It is my humble request that to the Election Commission that parties that call bandhs should be banned”), despite this: “Her comment triggered a huge uproar from various political parties with some even ridiculing her for forgetting that her party had “called bandh 21 times in Bengal between 2007 and 2011”. Not that Didi does not still like for people to have the day off, (after all, the more things change the more they stay the same). But now that she rules, she simply uses her executive privilege to simply declare holidays, like the half-day for Jamai-sashti , a full day for Tagore’s death anniversary and yet another full day for Shab-e-Barat . No need for bandhs anymore you see. Finally, change we may believe in.

So let me appeal to you to not to fall prey to Maoist propaganda. You know your grandma warned you of this when she told you the story of “Hao MAO khao (Ma, Mati) Manusher gondho pao”.  And don’t trust the media. Remember the press only carries stories of rape, they never carry stories of those who were not raped. (“Are all women in Bengal being raped?“) Identify kindly the “news pollution” (a neologism courtesy Didi) which is even worse than noise pollution. Be grateful to this government for its achievements like winning IPL in 2012 (did the CPM government ever do that? Eh?). Most importantly, do not draw cartoons, forward emails, protest anywhere near where the CM can hear you or ask questions or demand answers. Because if you do, that can mean only one thing. Like the invasion of the body snatchers, the Maoist or the CPM cadre spore has infected your mind, and the most terrible thing is that you don’t know even know it.

[Image courtesy: NDTV]


23 thoughts on “Conspiracy

  1. “Hao MAO Khao” … I am in splits!

  2. “indoctrinated cows who call themselves Moo-ists” can’t stop laughing

  3. Now didi should definitely be in Bangla Bigg Boss.

  4. Excellent article.

  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Ending is amazing!

  6. “Remember the press only carries stories of rape, they never carry stories of those who were not raped.”

    Epic !!!

  7. It’s not Illuminati … It’s Illumi-Naa-Thi

  8. Absolutely hilarious…shared on my community on FB…read this an hour ago…this laughing! thanks for writing this.

  9. Of all the things that has been brilliantly said here, I think, you missed a key point. In your article, you didn’t actually consider her as a total looney, eh? You think she is doing it on purpose, right?
    Wait till the elections come, just wait!!

  10. In our history we have had stupid leaders and we have had vicious leaders… this is a rare moment we have a leader who is equally vicious and stupid(sorry….this one is plagiarized from Game of Thrones, courtesy Tyrion Lannister)
    With her proclaiming that 90% of her administrative duties are already done in 2 years, she now has ample time to figure out conspiracies and pick wings off “insects”.
    The (in)famous and vacant MMM rhetoric of ‘Ma-Mati-Manush’ has turned into ‘Mamata-Mukul-Madan’ or ‘Mao-Maku(slang for Marxists aka CPIM)-Murder’.
    What is terribly heart-breaking is our current set of leaders have sunk so low and so fast that they have turned the Indian democracy into a farce. The citizens getting cynical, alienated and disillusioned with democratic structures, processes and representatives pose a great danger to a diverse country like India. Corruption and nepotism everywhere with leaders interested in hogging the limelight, running madly to hog the best piece of the pie and complete lack of accountability is bound to make any sensible Indian citizen weary. Our only recluse, it seems, remains in a general cynicism and the satirical tone that you have taken in this article.

  11. On another note, looks like Harsha Bhogle reads your blogs.

  12. didi is honest that’s y ato kichu chokranto hochche didir against aa vry sad, aro bohudin lal will have no chance to get bck to power so toto din kissu hobena didi ee thakbay tai didi joii

  13. ATYVAN,
    Like it or not, Didi is becoming Bengal’s version of Laloo Prasad Yadav. A canny grassroot politician and rabble rouser who doesnt quite know how to address delicate but grave issues like rape from her Rajproshad. She is on record for stating that the increase in cases of violence and sexual assualts against women were because of increased ghola-mela between the two genders.
    What say you about that?

  14. I think we are all going towards the Orwellian world of 1984

  15. its very funny but also indeed very sad….each day every moment our state is going down the drain and we cannot do anything to arrest this fall.

  16. @Manoj Didir against aa esob chokranto cholchey onek aagay thekei usub baje kotha chorano hochchay.. jottosob sob sajano golpo, actually she is too honest and easy to target by those Harmad Lal bahini as she gets easily agitated and passes remark as she can’t tolerate dishonesty..She is the best CM anyways so chance for lal osob kothai kan ditay naey

  17. Didi is as innocent like a child tai ektu adhtu rege jai r ki..kintu monar thik theke khubiiee bhalo kintu,,however u all are so obsessed with 90’s songs but how about that heart touching song I recently heard..its a song that can bring tears to any eyes here is it

  18. came back to your blog after a while…in between felt it was getting a bit too monotonous or may be you just wanted to sound a particular way, just my thought…..anyways this was a fantastic read…kind of writing which got me hooked to your blog when I first started reading it 7 years back….the issues you have highlighted in this post are more than just a writer’s thoughts sadly….this is happening every day in bengal…things have come to such a pass that no one feels safe walking on the roads after dark in kolkata….like you mentioned there is no opposition to TMC right now….they have very neatly packed off the ground level CPM cadre and the ubiquitous CPM party offices are not to be seen in most of the places anymore….there are various accounts of how and where the CPM cadre and offices have vanished….it is an autocracy and the TMC goons are doing what they are best at…..looting, ransacking, murdering, raping while they still can…. it is living in the dark ages much worse than Bihar of lalu’s era….3 more yrs before the next election but that also does not offer any solace since it appears the same goons and that dimwitted aunty would again come back power most likely….god save bengal

  19. Bengal is on secure hands. Dont worrry. But most imprtnt is that evrybody seems too insecure of SRK. Evry odr puny star wnts to compt with SRK and tries to derail him..aah trailor of Krrish released jst b4 Chennai Exprss release. Rakesh n his son thinks this way cn derail Chennai Exprss. Oh god SRK will come with stronger n better avatar, King will also run a longer stronger race than these crprs..

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