The Devil Made Me Do It


One of the sad realities of living in today’s world is how inured we have become to incidents of terrorism.

Do we know anyone who died today? Naah we don’t. So let’s hashtag, share update on FB, and move on. Which of course raises the bar for terrorists, obligating them perversely to be more “spectacular” to catch people’s attention.

Like bringing down two of the world’s tallest buildings on a busy office day.

Like storming 5-star hotels and butchering people in cold blood.

Like shooting dead close to one hundred fifty school-kids.

As a parent, it is difficult not to feel a deep bond of empathy for those that have lost a child,  for it is the most frightening thing that can happen to a human being. I would not have said this a few years ago but now that I am a father, I truly mean it.

But alas in this world, I cannot just be a father. I am an Indian. I am a Hindu.

Which in Pakistan, means I am the Devil.

Which means I did it.

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New Niyams



[Picture courtesy DNA]

Now that the Narendra Modi will never become prime minister in the multicultural cauldron that is India and there is no Modi wave cards have been conclusively trumped, it is but inevitable that the Modi rule will end India will be turned face-up onto the deck. In that vein, I have been reading, with more than a slight bit of amusement, the slew of “open letters” and predictions of dystopia from our intellectuals, otherwise normally so against the concept of fear-mongering (being a most fascist trait, or so are told). While one respectfully appreciates their point of view (not doing so would be most fascist, or so we are told), one does feel the need to lay down a few niyams, in the manner of Bill Maher’s famous “New Rules” segment in Real Time With Bill Maher.

New Niyam: You have got to stop using Hitler as the metaphor.

I have written before on how logically well-founded the whole  “Modi is a fascist” banshee shriek is and so I won’t go into it again for, let’s accept it, no one likes to repeat rules. But if you are going to equate him to a Fascist dictator, then you have to start using names other than Hitler, like Mussolini or Franco. And if we move beyond fascism as an European political philosophy and embrace a wider meaning of the word i.e. “genocidal dictator who enforces absolute obedience” may I suggest Stalin, Idi Amin or Pol Pot, all of whom I can assure you are sufficiently terrifying. But Hitler? Come on. That’s such a cliche that they have a Mithun Chakroborty movie by that name.

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Good Bye Dr. Singh



Good bye Dr. Manmohan Singh.

You had once said that you hoped that history remembers you more kindly than the present does. Given that history at least in our country is written by a cabal of  historians that are ideologically well-oriented towards your world-view and viscerally opposed to your opponents, you might very well get your wish. Be as it may, and I would not grudge you the odd hagiography, the thing is Dr. Singh I will not remember you kindly.

And let me explain why.

You failed as a leader.

National crises make even ordinary leaders like George W Bush look good. Except you could not pass for a leader even then. When our nation was in peril like as on 26/11 or our people were agitated like after the Delhi gang rape, you surfaced, almost always too late, with a prepared statement that had in it as much passion and hope and spontaneity as a tax form. Now the cynical intellectual in you may scoff at this, but alas when the country is attacked and terrorists do what they do, spread terror, ordinary people often just needs to hear a firm and reassuring voice. Yet the abiding memory of one of the most dastardly acts of aggression this country has seen will remain  your most efficient Home Minister changing his bandhgalas like Suchitra Sen changing saris in a song sequence, and the resounding sound of silence from supposedly the most powerful person in the country.

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Fascism Is Coming



It’s coming, coming, coming, coming.

Take your Cashmere shawls and your long-stemmed champagne glasses and run for the hills. (Or Paris if you have the money). The RSS (yes they have the SS already in there) are coming in their black Shikari Shambhu shorts to pour milk into your Cognac and convert India Habitat Center to India Hindu Center. They will ban your Marxist-feminist tomes, reduce the minorities to dhimmitude, rip the tongues of the free press (Open Magazine tera kar doonga khullam khullah) and put all the dissidents into the Bamboo gulaag with only copies of Bal Narendra for company. And the Chauthi Reich will be established, Devang Patel shall become Wagner, Chetan Bhagat Nietzche (if he isn’t already) and the Brahminical Nazis shall all stretch their hands out and up and say “Kemcho Fuhrer”.

Now I will confess that I am a sucker for doomsday scenarios. That is I believe all of them. Aliens will attack the earth from giant pods and the American president will save us by piloting a plane. Mughalistan shall be established and all women love-Jihaded. The Pope shall rule India through his insidious agents and through Catholic viruses implanted in EVMs. A team easily winning an IPL game in a canter shall lose 6 wickets for 2 runs and contrive to lose. To those who call me paranoid, that last thing did happen to KKR.

But of all these doom-and-gloom-Nazis-are-coming futures, the one that I take most seriously is the one that relates to the ascent of the Saffron Insidious of the Fifty Six Inch, because every respectable media outlet tells me that if he comes to power, the India we know shall cease to exist or to quote Bryan Cranston in Godzilla “You have no idea  what’s coming and it will send us back to the Stone Age”.

And if I cannot believe the media, then hell what am I supposed to believe? My own common sense.


So why do I believe that fascism is coming?

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The Most Awesome Candidates of Election 2014 -Part 1



When the atrocities of the Manoos-es on poor “North Indians” , led by The Bane of Arnab Goswami from the Thacker House, had reached the tipping point, a handsome hero rose by the name of “Deshdrohi” from the Hindi heartland. Through dialogs like “Jitne nafrat humhare liye tumhare  dil main  hain , usse zyada pyar tumhare liye humare  seene main hain. Kabhi UP Bihar aake dekhna, mehman ko bhagwan samajhte hain hum” (The hatred in your heart is surpassed by the love in our heart, come to UP Bihar, we treat our guests like Gods) and the Azamgarh slide, a martial arts move where a man slides and punches the enemy in the testiclewa, KRK established himself as a champion of the common people. Subsequently he went to Big Boss House to represent the awaam where he engineered an eviction based on a carefully constructed act of high drama, (the throwing of a glass at a contestant), a gambit whose principle would be copied in a different context by another mustachioed champion of the aam aadmi to eject himself after 49 days of a similar reality show.

Despite having his milk come from Holland and his water from France and some of his opinions of humanity from the middle ages, KRK’s empathy for the ordinary man and especially for the extraordinary woman (Asin) and his politics of kick and kiss is well known by people on Twitter. Hence come election time, it would be expected that the Deshpremi inside him would triumph over the Deshdrohi.

What was fortunate was that there already existed a political party that shared his progressive views on women and secularism and other important things.

Samajwadi Party.

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Deconstructing Kejriwal Part 4


[Image courtesy Hindu]

[Previous part of the series–Part 3]

One of the principal, if not the principal scourge of the Indian political system is the cynical use of targeted intimidation as a populist political weapon. Deep divisions run without our country with persistent narratives of fear,  historical notions of “hurt”, and generational denial of opportunities. Political parties have realized that the lowest hanging fruit is pandering to this, through violence or the threat of violence. The message is simple. While your elected representatives may not be able to provide basic amenities, they can surely facilitate “revenge” and “maintenance of morality” and “self-confidence” , where the latter is invariably defined by the subjugation of some other group.

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Deconstructing Kejriwal Part 2


[Please read Part 1 first]

Sociologists have a name for it.

It’s called The Alok Nath syndrome.

In it someone creates an image which ends up being so over-the-top in its absoluteness that it becomes impossible for any human being to live up to it in reality. In Alok Nath’s case, that image as we all know is of the living embodiment of  Bharatiya Sanskriti.   If any minor deviation from the ideal is ever discovered,  like lingering hand a bit too much on the shoulder of a “Jagatjanani” not your “Bhagyawan” or missing an aarti for Aarti or wanting to do a Kanya-grahan more than a Kanya-daan, it will not be excused as merely “being human” like it would be for everyone else, but considered a cardinal sin, only because it runs against the grain of the very standards Alok Nath claims he sets for himself, and by extension, expects of the world.

Arvind Kejriwal suffers from the Alok Nath syndrome. He is obligated to maintain the halo of the stubbornly incorruptible and absolutely selfless and supremely reluctant politician. For that is his USP. Without that, he will lose the devoted and the donors and the voices that sing his hymns. Yet the more he stays in the public spotlight, the more he is seen to fall from his own lofty perch, while still remaining entirely unforgiving of infractions done by others.  The more that happens, the more he gets criticized by those that have not bought into his cult. And the more his bhakts scream “Why do you attack our krantikaari, you paid agents of [insert industrial house here] and Modi”?

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