BJo [sits in a sauna, clad in a towel] : You know what. I am sick and tired of people calling me a maker of lovey-flubby-pinkie-winkie coochie-hoochie-coo movies like “Kuch Kuch Kiya Hai” and “Kabhi Aage Kabhi Peeche” and “Kaabhi Andar Na Daalna”. I want to make serious impactful cinema with political undertones….
KingKi (eyes shut, enjoying sauna): Gone mad or what?
BJo (smiling): Kidding yaar. Of course my next movie will be a love story, an intense and passionate one. What else can I do in any case? After all asking me to make a non-love story is like asking Sachin Tendulkar to dance ballet. Plus yahaan ka public only wants the coochie coochies. But baat kya hain, today’s audiences want more. When they come out of the movie, they want to feel a surge of “I am so smart” and this is why we need to layer in a political, deeper, “more mature” cocoon over the hoary old cliches and truisms , in essence making old garbage sound profound and brilliant . Simple college romances don’t work any more dude and honestly I cannot make you look like a college kid any more….
KingKi (raising his eyebrow): Well if that idiot can why can’t I? Well at least can you at least make me the world’s best engineer who can improvise devices on-the-fly?
BJo: Of course ! After all what am I for? Here is going to be your slogan in the movie. “I can fix almost everything”….
KingKi: Don’t we have to pay royalties to Aaj-Haar, ex India captain for the use of that phrase?
BJo (ignoring that remark): I think I have got it. For this movie, we will do the whole “minority persecution” thing, set it in the US (because I only shoot stateside). Of course this cannot be too nuanced, since audiences love black and white and to be honest I cannot handle innovative stories or complicated narratives. So what I will do is put in some of the favorite cliches the world likes to believe about the US—-that they target people of a particular faith and color with Mogambo-style delight, national security agents snarl like angry bears and make “I am watching you” gestures like De Niro in “Meet the Parents”, George Bush was bad and uncaring but his successor is greatly different and good. In order to do this pandering to held beliefs, we would have to bend things round a bit like make rural Georgia in 2008s look like the world of Uncle Tom’s Cabin or show every detainee in the US being subject to horrific torture but hey if the world believes these things about US, isnt it smart business to just persist these stereotypes?
KingKi: So essentially we are Slumdog Millionairizing the US, reducing a country to stereotypes for easy audience digestion.
BJo: Exactly. And with this theme I see much business in many countries of the world, particularly in Middle Earth.
KingKi: And also boost my popularity in the country I refer to as the “best neighbor to have”…..But wait. I have a condition. I will be a part of this movie only if I am in every friggin scene. In my last movie “Talli Tailor” I shared screen-time with some other dude and it was a mega-flop cause my loyal fans just cannot tolerate anyone else taking even a second of my movie away from me. Cannot afford one more like that.
BJo: Relax. In this movie, you won’t be the hero. No you will be God. Not only will you make Archimedes look like an engineering school dropout but make even St. Peter look like Caligula. You will help everyone even when being hauled onto the cross, you will rebuild flood-affected villages while the US administration watches in silence, you will fix engines and most importantly, you will always always speak the truth. Just like God. I can just imagine audiences full of women (and men) swooning “Oooooooooo” throughout the movie, the whites of their eyes showing as they are wracked by mini-orgasms at the sight of your sheer awesomeness. And as a final touch, the character will share your last name so that the connection between you and him will be very tight—–if he is God then so are you.
KingKi: I agree. So I am. But you know people tell me I act the same in every way, head shaking, lip-curling—–in short in a very retarded way.
BJo: Aha. Here is where the genius of this concept is. In this movie, you will be suffering from autism, like Dustin Hoffman in “Rainman”. (I need to find out a technical sounding term for it). Which means that not only can you try to copy his mannerisms like the reciting of exact numerical figures, but act any way you want to and it will all be absolutely right. As a matter of fact, this autism is what will be driving your other-worldly honesty and cuteness—-think Forrest Gump. And noone will dare criticize your acting as “hamming” because they will be afraid of looking insensitive. Of course, we both understand you will in no way be able to attain Dustin Hoffman’s levels in “RainMan” but honestly the audience couldnt care less as long as we keep you in every Godly frame.
KingKi: This is actually sounding quite exciting.
BJo: Castingwise, I am going to cajole KyaJhol to act opposite you—–you two have always given megahits. Chemistry is very important and I am sure with her around, the chemistry issue will be handled very satisfactorily. She might screech a bit too much when the drama gets intense, like old Premier Padminis scream and shake at speeds above 60 kmph, but she is reliable. Now what I cannot make up my mind is whether I should get Kiron Kheer or Farida Balal to play the role of the bhole-bhala, hearty “gajjar ka pancake” cooking Southern African-American matron Mama Jinnie or just go with local talent…..depends of course on the budget.
KingKi: Don’t worry about the budget. We will get into a whole lot of corporate tie-ins. Like with Burbak, the shoe company who also act as partners of my cricket team. In first five minutes, we will have a escalator shot of my shoes and then periodically bring the narrative to the issue of shoes. I ammm very smarrrttt………….
BJo: And I am positive I will get Fix SearchingLights to finance this project. It will be ironic for a movie about “minority persecution” being financed by a studio whose parent company is known to pander to the most reactionary elements inside the US but as they say ganda hai par dhandha hai yeh ! Which means we will have enough cash to spread around for publicity. Reviews, as a result, will be good. My spidey sense tells me….
KingKi (phone ringing and picks up. Speaking into phone): No Mr. Sharma. I told you before I cannot go and dance at your wife’s second marriage. No sir. I cannot. I dont care if that’s what the terms of your alimony say. I am sorry. I have….wait what did you say? Two crores? Dinner included? Hmm…ok then. See you in an hour.[Hanging up] Sorry we have to continue this conversation a bit later. I need to do this.
BJo: Sure. I need to get this project moving. Now all we need before release, is to have certain incidents that accentuate the ethereal halo of victimhood around you even more, in essence blurring further the distinction between you and the Godly martyr in the movie. Of course we cannot make such things happen ourselves but there is nothing that prevents us from taking advantage of them , should they occur [wink].
KingKi: Absolutely not [wink back].
BJo: Ok see you then. Remember duniye main do type ke log hote hai—-ek chalaak insaan aur ek buddhu insaan.
KingKi (smiling trademark grin and leaning head on one side): My name is KingKi. And I am not a buddhu.
BJo: That my friend you certainly are not.