Diamond merchant, Brat Shah takes a bite out of his Dhokla.
Bollywood’s most successful director Rabid Ravan (also known an Formula 1) continues—-“Yass sirrrjee…..this porject cannot fail. Ekdom damdar cheez hain….total hatke.”
Vicky Shah, the Columbia filmschool-returned-son of Brat Shah moans: ” Gimme a break yo. Dad let me do this new movie….these people are so desi…oooh.”
Rabid Ravan looks ahead, totally ignoring Vicky’s vitriol.
“Sirjee the movie’s name is superhit…certified by numerologists…..it is “Hum Aapke Dil Main Baithke Aag Laga Diye”. And not just name—-the concept is mindblowing sir. Totally mindblowing.
For first time, in fool technicolor we have all the Bollywood hit formulae put together in one story sir. Phemily drama, revenge drama and exposure drama—-all together…appealing to Chunnu-Munnu, Uncel-Aunty and Mamma Pappa. “Aag” of passion, “Aag” of revenge.
With his mouthful of Dhokla, Brat Shah says—-“Aare Pahele tell us the kahani.”
Rabid Ravan casts a quick glance at Vicky. And continues:
“Ram and Laxman are best friends from bachpan……………….”
“Hold it, hold it, Mr Ravan” interjected Vicky ” Don’t they have last names? ”
“Vicky beta, Rule No 1 of Hindi movies….do not give last names. If you give a Punjabi last name, Madrasi distributor feels bad, you give Bangali last name, Amchi Mumbai wants reduced price…..so no last name…….. and Rule No 2 all doctors are called Dr. Ashok.
“Continue please…”
” Yes , but then in comes villian Lukkha. He poisons their minds against each other and their “dosti’ turns into “dushmani”. Ram becomes very rich….richest person in the world. I have scouted this excellent castle in Scotland which will be perfect location for Ram’s house.”
“So Ram migrates to Scotland?” asked Vicky.
“No baba he maybe rich but we have to show that his heart is “only for India”. So his house has to be in India but for audience entertainment, we show castle in Scotland. In movie,we call it Shantinagar.”
Brat interrupts—-“Yes so Laxman…..uska kya hota hain—what happens to him?”
Laxman, due to villain Lukha’s scheme, loses everything. He blames Ram for his misfortune. He marries Savitri Devi, a poor blind schoolteacher who sings bhajans for orphans. They have twin betas—-Jay and Vijay. ……audience loves twins and we also save money on heroes.”
Laxman dies due to cancer–he is too poor to buy medicines. The Laxman family needs money—-in comes the wicked landlord, snatches at Savitri Devi’s izzat, bangles break and blouse shoulder gets ripped.
But Jay saves the day and accidentally kills the man in a fight. He also steals to get money for baap’s operation, gets caught and is tortured by the cops. The mafia don, Lukkha, adopts him and he grows up on the wrong side of the law. He also goes to the temple, gives a bhashan and decides to stop believing in God. Soon he is the world’s biggest hitman.
” What happens to Vijay?”
“What else…he grows upto become Mumbai’s top cop. Jay is hitman. Vijay is thullah. And beech main…………Maaaaaaaa
Vicky stood up—” Is this original dad? This just seems to be a wish-wash of all 70s-80s Bachchan movies….honestly you don’t expect today’s generation to actually pay money to watch this crap?”
Ravan smirked.
“Aha that’s is the genius. Today everyone likes NRI drama—-rich family, no worries, everyone does song and dance, someone or the other is getting married or pregnant. And for that we have the Ram family.
Ram marries Geeta. They have a son Rohit who is studying Compooters at Princeton. Rohit is a romantic man—in his entrance scene, we show him dancing in the rain wearing only a towel pining for the love that is to come.
And come it does. During a Western dance competition at MIT, he meets Tanya. They have takkar on dance floor, become “jaani dushman” and then becomes “janoos”.
Meanwhile the Ram family is a model of happiness. In her Scottish castle, Geeta Devi does Narayana Puja with 100 backup dancers and whenever she hears the sound of helicopter blades, she knows her pyara son Rohit is coming back to taste her “Muli ki paratha” aur “Gajar Ka Halwa”. She also has a daughter, Sonia—–but Sonia wears short skirts and wants to be modern. She also studies Indian culture in Xavier’s college.
One day some mawalis pass comments at her, in steps topcop Vijay, beats up the baddies. And then puts a ghunghat over Sonia’s head ” Bharatiya nari ki sampad hain uski izzat” and from that day on, Sonia falls in love and stops wearing skirts.
Vicky smiles—-“Oh how nice.”
“Of course I meant that she wears only saris and that too with ghunghat only. But of course she wears her sari dreadfully low and all the time gets wet in the rain while coming back from college. And Vijay, the top cop is always around her….getting wet in the rain too.”
But soon confusion starts as Sonia mistakes Jay, the mafia hitman for Vijay. Jay realizes that she has made a mistake, but decides to become Vijay—his plot being to take badla on Ram’s family by phasaoing Sonia so that he can ultimately throw her down from a rooftop.
When Ram comes to know that Sonia’s mashooq comes from the garib ghar, he throws a khandan fit. He springs a surprise by announcing during eighteenth birthday—-“Leddies and Gentelmen, Mere Beti ki shaadi International business man Mr Lukkha ka eklauta beta Ronnie ke saath hone walen hain.”
“Also making entrance is Lukka’s beti, Natasha. She is the bad girl. She studies in Princeton too. She smokes, drinks and exposes. She burns roses and feels lusttttyyyyyyy for Rohit.
Now what happens? Will Jay murder Sonia or will Vijay win her? Kiske paas Ma jayegi? Who will die on Maaa’s lap? Will Rohit get the love he has dreamed off all his life or will Natasha sink Rohit in “hawas ki aag” ?
To know more come and watch “Hum Aapke Dil Main Baithke Aag Laga Diye”.
“Hey hey hold on Formula 1 Ravan,” says Vicky ” I thought you were going to tell us what happened….”
“Nahin beta, first let your papa call Dubai and Karachi for a few khoka. Then I shall tell the climax baaba….else how do I know that you wont give the script to someone else? Plus I dont work with bound scripts.”
Vicky turns to Brat Shah….”Dad you seriously think has any chance? Such a thing has been done so many times before”
Brat Shah stuffs the last crumbs of dhokla down.
“That’s exactly why I think it will work.”
The Greatbong Blog & Podcast 
greatbong, whenever I read the word “demented mind” in the title of your blog it rings like “cemented mind” in me. I will look it up in the lexicon to know the difference between these two words.
haha
ridiculous, but absorbingly so. I dont know if that makes me more demented or you….:)
Greatbong,eta to puro bilaaa. Thought only I was losing it!!
If Sonia wears saris dreadfully low then she has to be shown wearing a thong……The supercop looks at the thong poking out and wonders, “petticoat ka naada to upar hai lekin sari itni niche kyon hai”.
@Akash….and why do you feel I am “cemented” ?
@Vague…..both of us really.
@Priya—-puro bilaaa—pls explain.
@Anon—-that could get you in trouble with the VHP/Sena
i mean ur the gr8 god, blogdom has a new idol. its u
long live the king
LOL, how on earth could you think this up!!
err… maybe you are in the wrong profession! 😛
rotfl , started laughing hysterically after the doctor ashok thing.
Missed a dialogue somewhere…
“maine injection de diya hai , upar wale pe bharosa rakhiye”
good one again bangabandhu
Funny…falling out of the chair and spurting your morning coffee level of funny. We once spend our entire NCC camp concoting a ‘formula’ like this – but this is much funnier.
‘Western Dance competition at Princeton’….. RFLOL
I can imagine the hero-heroine romancing on the Charles river and Niagra Falls. On second thoughts – strike Niagra Falls – its so 60s – the climax of ‘An Evening in Paris’ was in Niagra Falls (the one near Paris – didn’t you know ?!!)
@almost_useless—Thanks (blushes)
@Aparna….yes I am in the wrong line…only problem my dad was not in the film industry.
@anon…yes and “Sab Uparwale ke haath main hain” and ” Hum operation nahin kar saakte jab tak humko 5 lac nahin milta…”
@Jatayu—Niagra @Paris…now I wonder how the French-baiters in US will feel once they know that their natural national treasure has been appropriated by the French.
Simply amazing! Could not stop laughing though out the read:-)
I did not mean anything mean about you. I was wondering about the phonetic similarity of the words and also the striking suitability of the word “cemented” as an adjective of “mind”.
@SD …thanks
@Akash…:-) methinks a cemented mind is the mind of a fundamentalist….
CUDNT HELP THIS IDEA AT 1 IN THE MORN
the director will b the one, the only one… Parnab Mukherjee, sinc the movie is in princeton
and there wud b manipoori extras evrywhere
:-)….did the Princeton thing give you this idea?
u bet, wud b fun, wontit
hil-bloody-larious!!!
but dude, posts like this shud come with a warning na? i had a mouthful of water and i splattered most of it on the monitor. you’d better pray it’s okay, or else…
Whopping good sense of humour! Kudos, dude. I used to write some such whacky scripts too, panning our ‘beloved’ producers and directors.
-Tendrils
@Rimi—maybe I should have…hope the screen is doing good after that rain sequence.
@Tendrils—thanks.
AWESOME!!! Totally loved this post. Was just hoping Dr. Ashok would say ‘Mareez ko ab dawa ki nahin, dua ki zaroorat hai’……:)
genius. if i had a khoka i would drive down I-95 myself and give you as a gift, tax exempt.
@Nandu 🙂
@Gawker…”tax exempt” is what the firangs call it…we call it “black”.
oops..again once fascinating post…though i get lil confused @ the end and read the last para’s few times :P.
ur becoming a blog-honcho dude,ppl reading your posts in fwd. mails..way to go !!
Hey bong, its only recent that i hav started reading blogs…looking at what i’ve come accross til now…YOU ARE THE BOSS!!! Good work man…shabash bangali!
@Debanjan…:-)…now what came back to you as a forward–the Parnab post?
@Anon…thank u thank u.
http://www.thehotspotonline.com/moviespot/