All aspiring Bollywood thriller makers…hear ye. Let me tell you, some of the ways *not* to make an action-filled, edge of the seat international espionage drama. The wisdom I shall now dispense has been gleaned after spending a few painful hours watching “Dus”.
For those who haven’t seen the movie, some minor spoilers follow—-normally I hate putting spoilers, even minor, but in this case its like the surgeon general’s warning on a pack of cigs—-noone calls that a spoiler do they?
1. The opening sequence of an action thriller is half the game for setting the stage for what is to follow. What you should not do is have the lead macho men of the movie, Abhishek and Zayed Khan (yes Zayed Khan is a macho man in this movie….even if I could look past the gaping pot holes sorry plot holes this is one thing I just did not get..) hugging each other and dancing like “girlie men” singing a love song about “Dus Bahane Karke Le Gaye Dil”……….imagine James Bond looking at the camera with the pistol in his hand and instead of shooting a pool of blood starts dancing daintily.
Incidental question, why does the title song, besides some effeminate steps by the action stars, have the words “Hai Hai Hai” sung in a very sexy sorry sixy (chakka) style?
2. In order to get the “multiplex” crowd in, it’s very essential to give these types of movies an “international” look and feel. Okay I got that.
But what you should not do is to think that if the protagonists say “Yo bro I owe you one” or “Dudeee baby I love you” while defusing a bomb (I wished it blew up in Zayed’s face) it makes the movie “chic”. Also having frequently changing labels like “Algiers, Algeria” (while showing a dock in Mumbai) does not necessarily fool the discerning viewer.
3. When you are making a riveting fast-paced thriller, it would go a long way in serving its purpose if you could do away with the “sagai” song where we get to see India’s top counter terrorism experts dancing like maniacs all the while knowing that 25,000 people are going to die in 7 days. Also try to avoid a sad ghazal 30 minutes before the end of the movie—it being a thriller and all.
4. Mustangs arent really the coolest cars around… (they maybe what the car rental had of course)—–whenever the movie wants to show something cool….out comes a Mustang. And in the opening sequence four Hummers—-yes the vehicle considered to be the choice of penilely challenged men.
5. A dragon sprews fire from its mouth. A shotgun fires shots. You should know the difference between the two. Because the makers of “Dus” sure did not—-everytime Suniel Shetty fires his shotgun, it seems he is puffing the magic dragon– in other words its a goddamn flamethrower.
6. A large portion of the movie’s audience knows the basics of computers. So it would help if we did not have superfundas like the one computer hacker Shilpa Shetty gives us while cracking into a terrorist’s computer
“There is a “partition” called “Jeet” (the code name for the terrorists mission)”——
I mean why could not a directory have done? I am sure the director said ” Dhyat people wont be impressed with a mere directory—these are super terrorists…..they keep everything in different partitions………”. Well what was it? NTFS ? FAT? THIN ?
6. Okay you are a super terrorist. You want to blend in a crowd watching a sports event. In other words, you want to go unnoticed. What you should not do is wear a split skirt and a low cut top—-it somehow strangely attracts gazes. Someone please tell the director of Dus that.
7. The multiplex crowd are not the Mithun circuit people. They are exposed to Hollywood —at least to the big hits. So if you are going to base your movie’s main twist on Usual Suspects, then obviously you have not done your research. Ergo—action movie makers of the future—do a bit more video library digging and copy your twists from movies which people are less likely to have seen.
8. Noone is asking for realism or a water-tight plot. After all its a movie not a Phd thesis. However having something slightly more plausible than an Indo-Canadian PM’s summit in a stadium in which a soccer game between India and Canada (possibly) is being played would definitely help.
9. And the chiller. Do not repeat do not copy your climax idea from “Awwal Number”. Only Dev Anand, the Chief Minister cum President of the Cricket Board cum Captain cum Police Commissioner can foil such a devilish plot—-not the girlie men of “Dus”.
Bus karo Buss……………