All aspiring Bollywood thriller makers…hear ye. Let me tell you, some of the ways *not* to make an action-filled, edge of the seat international espionage drama. The wisdom I shall now dispense has been gleaned after spending a few painful hours watching “Dus”.
For those who haven’t seen the movie, some minor spoilers follow—-normally I hate putting spoilers, even minor, but in this case its like the surgeon general’s warning on a pack of cigs—-noone calls that a spoiler do they?
1. The opening sequence of an action thriller is half the game for setting the stage for what is to follow. What you should not do is have the lead macho men of the movie, Abhishek and Zayed Khan (yes Zayed Khan is a macho man in this movie….even if I could look past the gaping pot holes sorry plot holes this is one thing I just did not get..) hugging each other and dancing like “girlie men” singing a love song about “Dus Bahane Karke Le Gaye Dil”……….imagine James Bond looking at the camera with the pistol in his hand and instead of shooting a pool of blood starts dancing daintily.
Incidental question, why does the title song, besides some effeminate steps by the action stars, have the words “Hai Hai Hai” sung in a very sexy sorry sixy (chakka) style?
2. In order to get the “multiplex” crowd in, it’s very essential to give these types of movies an “international” look and feel. Okay I got that.
But what you should not do is to think that if the protagonists say “Yo bro I owe you one” or “Dudeee baby I love you” while defusing a bomb (I wished it blew up in Zayed’s face) it makes the movie “chic”. Also having frequently changing labels like “Algiers, Algeria” (while showing a dock in Mumbai) does not necessarily fool the discerning viewer.
3. When you are making a riveting fast-paced thriller, it would go a long way in serving its purpose if you could do away with the “sagai” song where we get to see India’s top counter terrorism experts dancing like maniacs all the while knowing that 25,000 people are going to die in 7 days. Also try to avoid a sad ghazal 30 minutes before the end of the movie—it being a thriller and all.
4. Mustangs arent really the coolest cars around… (they maybe what the car rental had of course)—–whenever the movie wants to show something cool….out comes a Mustang. And in the opening sequence four Hummers—-yes the vehicle considered to be the choice of penilely challenged men.
5. A dragon sprews fire from its mouth. A shotgun fires shots. You should know the difference between the two. Because the makers of “Dus” sure did not—-everytime Suniel Shetty fires his shotgun, it seems he is puffing the magic dragon– in other words its a goddamn flamethrower.
6. A large portion of the movie’s audience knows the basics of computers. So it would help if we did not have superfundas like the one computer hacker Shilpa Shetty gives us while cracking into a terrorist’s computer
“There is a “partition” called “Jeet” (the code name for the terrorists mission)”——
Partition?
I mean why could not a directory have done? I am sure the director said ” Dhyat people wont be impressed with a mere directory—these are super terrorists…..they keep everything in different partitions………”. Well what was it? NTFS ? FAT? THIN ?
6. Okay you are a super terrorist. You want to blend in a crowd watching a sports event. In other words, you want to go unnoticed. What you should not do is wear a split skirt and a low cut top—-it somehow strangely attracts gazes. Someone please tell the director of Dus that.
7. The multiplex crowd are not the Mithun circuit people. They are exposed to Hollywood —at least to the big hits. So if you are going to base your movie’s main twist on Usual Suspects, then obviously you have not done your research. Ergo—action movie makers of the future—do a bit more video library digging and copy your twists from movies which people are less likely to have seen.
8. Noone is asking for realism or a water-tight plot. After all its a movie not a Phd thesis. However having something slightly more plausible than an Indo-Canadian PM’s summit in a stadium in which a soccer game between India and Canada (possibly) is being played would definitely help.
9. And the chiller. Do not repeat do not copy your climax idea from “Awwal Number”. Only Dev Anand, the Chief Minister cum President of the Cricket Board cum Captain cum Police Commissioner can foil such a devilish plot—-not the girlie men of “Dus”.
What BS.
Bus karo Buss……………
The Greatbong Blog & Podcast 
ROTFLMAO. I have to see the movie at any cost now. BTW, have you seen Tango Charlie and/or Lucky? Real titles for these movies would be “Psycho Charlie” and “F*cky”!
LOL!
Man.. this was awesome!!! Read your other “dil mein baithkar aag..” thingie too..
Give up whatever you currently do.. Bollywood misses rare talents like you very badly.
And yes… Vinaya is right… if not Tango Charlie, do take a try at Lucky!! You have missed the best of Mithun!
Do definitely try!
Bravo!!Havnt read such a hilarious ‘review’ of a movie of late.Dude, seriously consider reviewing movies in future, u r a killer :). We need impartial guys like u rather than ‘kiss Big B/Shahrukh/Yash Chopra/..xxxx’s ass’ Taran Adarsh or such so called ‘critics’.
Cool post..
a big fan.
hehe
while i agree with whatever u said, i saw Dus after the war of the world’s and it seemed a pretty k bargain at the time, but after analyzing i thot it was stupid for the sheer number of hollywood movies with comp hacking and action sequences that i have seen (swordfish) for eg.
but the sagaai song was a misfit, and the hai hai hai analysis is pretty apt.
i hope i dont get cramps in my stomach, ur review makes me laugh so hard
Arnab, we should report you to the Energy Saving Commission. You went to see Dus and you KEPT YOUR BRAIN SWITCHED ON?!
Brahthahr, you’re supposed to shut down the lid on your brain (whereupon it presumably makes like a notebook and hibernates) and open your mouth for these movies.
I watched Dus that way. I LIKED it. For the following 12 reasons –
1 – 10 – Pankaj Kapoor
11 and 12 – the Shetty peti
(go back one step for the Shetty face)
12 – nice popcorn
J.A.P.
One among the multiplex crowd of Dus viewers reporting: I went on a weekday…so as a stress buster, I liked Dus, specially coz the brains were switched off.Thankfully I also made the mistake of taking my 2 yr old dynamite! Obviously, a far more entertaining thriller!!
Sarkar dekhechish? Dekh, dekhe bol…sorry lekh.
ROTFL..
and there was also this high tech spy in the PMO who always acessed his mail from the same cyber cafe in CP.
otherwise the movie was ok..bollywood tryin to emulate hollywood. though smbdy toldme the usual suspects conn n spoilt some of the fun.
but still a good deviation from the usual hindi stuff..
who knowz tht better than u..humapke dil me aag..(grin!)
anywys..movie or nomovie the post was cracker in itself..as is alwys with u 🙂
ROTFL..
and there was also this high tech spy in the PMO who always acessed his mail from the same cyber cafe in CP.
otherwise the movie was ok..bollywood tryin to emulate hollywood. though smbdy toldme the usual suspects conn n spoilt some of the fun.
but still a good deviation from the usual hindi stuff..
who knowz tht better than u..humapke dil me aag..(grin!)
anywys..movie or nomovie the post was cracker in itself..as is alwys with u 🙂
@Vinaya_HS: I didnt find Tango Charlie all that bad….esp the opening sequence in the jungles of Assam…the scene where the man is left to die with his guts hanging out while the enemy waits in the shadows was , if I may so, the best “war movie sequence” I have seen from Bollywood.
@Keshav, Yes “”lucky” I have to see….just for the sake of Mithun-da…one of my all time favorites…Aieeeeeeee
@Binesh, The problem with those kiss-ass reviewers is that they know they cant afford to piss up the Yohar-Chopra gang because it would cut them off from the “happening circle”….also Taran Adarsh plain does not understand anything about movies…often giving away vital plot details in his reviews. Ditto the people at Rediff…
@almost_useless Hollywood movies are also pretty bad in the “hacking” respect—screens have large GUI-based “login” and “passwords”….then something like a Unix shell opens and the hero starts typing furiously and voila khul ja simsim……..and how can we forget ID4 where a virus seamlessly uploads on an alien computer.
@JAP….I had turned my brain off as far as I could. In my brain standby state, I actually enjoyed Kaante…..but this movie’s unintentional humor just kept on waking my brain up I suppose.
Shilpa Shetty has always been a “peti” woman…..and I for one wanted to see more of her tattoo. Instead we got to see Raima Sen pregnant…
@Priya…:-)….yes I can understand that with a 2 year old dynamite around defusing a bomb must seem like a cakewalk….I tried to see “Sarkar” but the Bollygrounds “print” was pathetic…cudnt see through it.
@Me_myself: Oh yes :-)…….now there is this new” lets make everything american” thing going around…my friend Joy told me of a movie in which the lead heroes go to college in Mumbai and are champions in basketball and baseball respectively….certainly a new addition to the Hindi movie formula.
arnab… delivered as expected!!! and even more so i guess :))) i laughed and laughed and now am forwarding ur article to my other friends too… 😀
waiting for ur next movie review !
LOL!! As usual this post is entertaining and greatly opinionated, whether one agrees with it or not! Keep posting Arnab!!
🙂
@Joy….many thanks to you for suggesting this amazing movie…
@Urmea…thank you….seeing you here after a long time…at least in the comments section.
@SD 🙂
Aw, Arnab, c’mon, it’s a Bollywood movie. I do agree that Zayed Khan guy is a total lightweight, and the whole faux-macho “let’s rock guys” lines were incredibly annoying, and the end sequence, as in most Hindi movie climaxes, goes on waaaaay too long (hmmm, directors making up for other shortcomings?).
But on the other hand, the clothes on leading men in Bollywood flics are getting a whole lot better. (Figures, just when Govinda leave the industry for politics.) Sanju wore some pretty sharp suits, and I loved the floral shirt on AB in the opening number. The office set was quite naff, and the whole scene comparing the Master Terrorist’s work to a musical composition was well played.
No, it wasn’t a perfect 10, even an enthusiast like myself will admit that, but for a summer movie, I’d give it a 7.5.
hehehe….now i don’t know if i’ll be able to laugh this much even if i see the movie…
@Sunil…trust me you shall laugh like you have seldom laughed before…..:-)
laughed my head off on this bongobondhu, friggin howlarious.
The unintetional humor of this movie was having sanjay dutt as the head of an anti terrorist cell.
another recommendation illmake for you is sade saat phere. The uninentional humor there hits one like the smell of shit on a mornin in a mumbai local.
I waslaughingthroughout the movie on its unintentional humor. It starrs the deep thinking actor ( slightly retarded) irffan khan & a bloated juhi chawla.
Yes when Sanjay Dutt, as the head of the Anti-Terrorist-Cell says “there is a traitor in out midst” I was almost shouting out “Look in the mirror”…..
greatbong, mangal pandey-r review expect kora jabe? after getting slapped on the face by benegal’s latest excuse for a movie, i am kind of wary about these new wave directors having inverted themselves completely into a filmmaking world of compromise and slip-shoddiness.
rudro
Yes bose was a letdown , particularly because it was benegal. the war scenes looked like they had been directed by jp dutta on drugs.
About mangal pandey, one of my friends was a prop supplier to it. He tells me its probably the only indian movie where the scenes have been shot so methodically. there were sketches of most of the important scenes & a lot of research has gone into costumes, jewlery, locales. Am planning to watch it today.
@Rudro and Anon…Unfortunately, I cant watch a movie till its on Bollygrounds…dont know abt nearby Hindi theatres yet…but yes once I see it definitely a review is in order.
ROFL…this is by far the best blog i have come accross…chaliye jan dada!!!
@Anon…thanks…
Lol…what a cool review 🙂
Lol…what a cool review 🙂
Will post something intelligent once I can stop doing this..
*Rolling on Floor – laughing*, Repeat *Rolling on Floor – laughing* etc
Funny review, except for points 4 and 6a where you make a fool of yourself. Apart from those two points, you echoed most of my sentiments when watching the movie
Bought a Mustand did you? Lets see who becomes the fool !
Now anon I am sorry I didnt know that any place I didnt agree with you makes me a fool.
No re. I can’t afford a high powered Mustang. 500 hp and 40K$ is a bit much.
People disagree with me all the time. Does not make them fools. But being stupid takes something special. And you have that in you 🙂
GreatBong!
There should be a blog dedicated to “Anwal Number”
Dus was dhus
Great write up !! watched DUS last weekend.. on 107cm Plasma screen.
The stupidity was even more visible.
I don’t understand one thing…why do these “macho” stars think that a WHITE suit would make them look cool.
I think Zayed Khan & the youngest chopra kid (I forgot his name) is the worst thing that has ever happend to Bonbay film industry
thanks..
WHY NEWTON COMMITTED SUICIDE ???
Here is the reason.
Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything
he had done.
In the movies of Rajnikant, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes from his movies :-
1.) Rajnikant has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can’t be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajnikant is shot in the head. To everybody’s surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajnikant !
2.) In another movie, Rajnikant is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajnikant has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster &
shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle
gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3.) Rajnikant is chased by a gangster. Rajnikant has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah? Not even in your remotest
imaginations…………
He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajnikant opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches
the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. “Bang”……….the gangster dies.
This was too much for Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics.
The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn’t changed. Oops, not so fast!
The ‘climax’ finally arrives. Rajnikant gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajnikant can’t jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajnikant has to desperately kill the villain because it’s the climax. (Newton Dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible)
Rajnikant suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton Commits Suicide !!!
Agreed cent-percent with you here. My review of DUS at :
http://nishitd.blogspot.com/2005/07/dus-funniest-thriller-of-year.html
don’t be knocking Mushtang’s, they are extremely “kewl” cars. I drive one. So what if chiks only laugh at me when i say “babies, u wanting to go for a rides”. Atleast I can hide my tearfulface behind the small tinted windows.