Happy, Healthy And Alone

The title for the “luckiest dude in the world” goes to the King of Swaziland, MSwati III beating out super alpha males like P. Diddy (now called Diddy: hat-tip:Gawker), JayZ, R Kelly, Snoop Dog, Bill Clinton and Babulal Gaur.

Points to note:

1. 50,000 topless dancing virgins from which to choose your 13th wife. Isn’t that like way too many options? Personally 15,000 is the number above which I would not be able to make an informed decision any longer.

2. “Wielding machetes and singing tributes to the king and queen mother, also known as the Great She-Elephant, the girls danced around the royal stadium in the hope of catching the eye of the 37-year-old monarch”.

The Queen Mother actually likes being called the “Great She-Elephant?”…..Swaziland surely is a country where people speak their minds—feelings be damned.

3. “The king takes a wife whenever he wants and that’s the way it is. This is our culture and we will never change,” said Tsandzile Ndluva, 21, another dancer.

What the article does not mention is that after saying this, Ms Ndluva , in a voice surprisingly like Lata Mangeskar, sung:

“Hum to bhai jaise hain waise rahenge”

4. Trainee police officer Patience Dlamini, who jazzed up her traditional outfit with a fake diamond necklace: “This thing of many wives is not good, how does he satisfy them all?”

Good question. I sense an outsourcing opportunity here. Lou Dobbs beware.

5. Monday’s ceremony was the culmination of a week of preparations, which included the lifting of a royal ban on sex with virgins, decreed in 2001 to help rein in HIV.
Days after reviving the ancient ban, Mswati in 2001, married a virgin and fined himself one cow. Last week he lifted the five-year ban a year early, ordering thousands of maidens to throw off chastity scarves worn to ward of preying men.

What an amazingly just king. Since he was breaking his own ban on sex with virgins, he very graciously fined himself one cow—now how many politicians around the world can exhibit such examples of self-censure ?

6. “We are happy, we are healthy and we are alone,” sang thousands of tuneful, high-pitched voices.

Sameer would have been proud of the simple, direct lyrics. Next Mithun movie will have the song : ” Hum Khush, Tandaroost Aur Akele Hain”

7. Ok seriously, this man is quite a debauch [or as my friend Saumyadipta comments by mail :” traditional imperialist”]—he “forcibly” carried away last year’s Teen Swaziland contest winner –incidentally the Teen Swaziland contest is locally called “Kaun Banega Garbhabati”) But consider this –a procession of 50,000 topless, dancing virgins which appears reprehensible and dehumanizing, is in a sense nothing but an extreme version of the process by which arranged marriages take place. Yes dear readers—–this is what arranged marriage in India is—stripped off all euphemisms like “wavelength matching”and ” compatibility”.

Sure the girls are not topless, nor do they dance all together saying “I am happy, healthy and alone” —-well not literally anyways.

Aren’t marriage websites, matrimonial ads and the “ladki dekhna” just a more civilized form of the reed dance? Not just for females but for males also. Decisions are based on physical beauty or the bulge in the pocket (due to wallet)——-the same kind of considerations that guide the king when he chooses a consort.

Or as MSwati III calls it —fresh meat.

[PS: The song” I am happy, healthy and alone” seems to epitomize the mental state of single people]

22 thoughts on “Happy, Healthy And Alone

  1. Oye P. Diddy is wonly Diddy now. He will sue if you don’t drop the P.

  2. First time to your blog..and i love it.

  3. Awesomely funny! 🙂

    – A regular reader and first-time commenter.

  4. and queen mother, also known as the Great She-Elephant

    Women in our own country used to be hailed as gajagāmini – one whose walk is as graceful as an elephant’s…

  5. May I know how many ‘eligible’ virgins are left after this virgin hunter preyed? BTW let me know about the certifying body for virginity?

    Great post, again!!

  6. This post has been removed by the author.

  7. This post has been removed by the author.

  8. I read about the antics of the Swazi Kings a couple of weeks ago, perhaps on BBC, and their Lolita syndrome, the present king’s whims such as imposing a ban on sex and then the self-punishment for violating the ban himself, were all a meaty feed for the tabloids for quite sometime now. And yeah. The Matrimonial adverts in India are also sometimes very gross, shameless, flagrant and at times quite graphic also. The qualities sought of a “good” bride are sometimes no different from that of a prostitute. However, the ads are very objective, unhypocritical and make no bones about what their intentions are. By interpreting the ads this way I am, by no means, supporting them, rather I argue that the presence of such wanton practises are more widespread than in the matrimonial pages.

    Pulchritude, oomph and fat bank balance also have an enormous clout on most of what we call love marriages (were it not for contrasting it with arranged marriage, I would not have used the term love marriage either, the scholars of philosophy will bay for my blood because such divisions are not at all well defined, though, clearly understandable in India and make a lot of sense there). Any relation (arranged or love) that lead up to a marriage, take into account all those material factors which are usually very blatantly displayed in matrimonial ads, yes of course sometimes under the eyewash of “wavelength”, “compatibility” etc. Essentially, what the Swazi King did in an uncivilized and unsophisticated way, (note that the king’s pursuit for young virgin lasses and the girls’ for wealth make a perfect wavelength-matching and compatibility), is the case in oodles of other marriages also, whether in India or abroad, love or arranged; more so-called educated the players are, more refined are their behaviors and thicker is the sugar coating; however, the desires at the bottom remain the same irrespective of backgrouds. As for real love in marriages, it is so few and far between that it can never be attained through any fixed formula.

    The whole point about the post is to underline the fact that the carnal desires of the Swazi King is just a tip of the iceberg. There are many wolves that lurk around in sheep’s clothing. Similarly to stigmatize the bunch of spouse-seekers in Indian matrimonials as being worldly mortals is a simplified and shortsighted generalization and very much prone to mistake. On the other hand what is presented as “love marriage” is many a time a clear misnomer.

  9. I did’nt understand the ‘ban on sex with virgins’ bit.I was trying to reason it out and frame a proper question,but it’s very confusing,maybe you can somehow get my drift?

  10. Hum Has Has ke pagal ho gaye —-

    Really Funny …..

    I cant think of commenting anything else anymore

  11. @srin: This is an interesting question with many important corollaries. Suppose I am a virgin but you are not. The ban prevents me from having sex with others. But you are free to do. The end result is Carrying Coals to New Castle. Great injustice, is not it? Ergo, on occasions virginity may be a bane.

  12. @gawker: I bow my head to your Diddy knowledge—corrected.

    @Sakshi: thank you…hope to see you back here. I love your blog template design….wish I had stolen it.

    @Megha: Thank you…what a coincidence….you have an amazing template too….and I also like your musings on Hindi movies being a Hindi movie maniac myself.

    @Srikanth, Comparing someone’s walk to the hip-swinging gait of an elephant is a compliment (I think)…but comparing the person to the entire elephant is a diff story altogether.

    @Ritzy: Thank you…as to the certifying body for virginity I am sure it’s by invitation only.

    @Akash: There maybe a bit of Swazi love in “love marriages” (for want of a better term) but arranged marriages are *all* about Swazi love. Because you never get to know the real person. I am not saying that in “love marriages” you get to know everything but the chances are definitely better.

    @Srin: The better way to put it is “You cannot exit the virgin state. If you were a virgin the day the law passed, then that’s it—you now lead the life of the typical Engg guy student.”

    @@amit: Thanks….:-)

    @Akash: Virginity is always a bane….at any moment you may die before you have ever lived….if you get what I am sayin.

  13. @greatbong: Fortunately I understood what you meant. But do not know whom to give the credit to, you or me?

  14. Hi GreatBong
    Funny post.
    Looking at the picture of the king I had to wonder: Is he wearing a headdress or is he having the very worst hair day ever?

  15. im ROTFL, which is usual for the blog

    must say i agree with the comparisons on indian system, makes a lotta sense

  16. @Michael and almost_useless: thanks…

  17. Ok so,after a certain period of time,when all the people who were non virgins before the law was passes die,nobody will be allowed to have sex,because everybody will be a virgin,is that it?

  18. @Srin…that would be the case unless you have a few cows to spare…every law, you see, has its loopholes.

  19. Hey read your blog and kit was really nice. We are startin a new radio station in Delhi and need a few bloggers cause plan to bring them in the limelight through a show dedicated to them. Format is not cnfirmed but in case you interested write in to me at ginnie.mahajan@radiotoday.com. Also need your contact nos

  20. ooh!
    just an M before my name and ……
    no more housework
    no more indian middle class existance

    have to have a good eye for picking up 13th spouse
    (how does a stadium full of svelte cavorting young men sound to you?)

    if there is a heaven, it must be this, must be this, must be this.

  21. i wish a wish for u
    its a wish for few
    the wish i wish for u is that all ur wishes come true
    so keep wishing because my best wishes are always with u

  22. When the pedophiles masquerading as civilized thinkers (‘wolves in sheep-skin’ as the poster Akash puts it) say “virgin”, they are usually talking about underage girls, since girls as young as 15 can lose their virginity in the free-thinking world.

    I hope this African king is talking about girls who are old enough to have sex but remain virgins because of the law/culture of their land.

Have An Opinion? Type Away

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close