An extract from Natwarlal ‘s blog “Mere paas aao mere doston ek kissa suno” somewhere in the blogosphere.
I miss the good old days. Siyaram Kasturi used to do the groceries, R Dhanbaan used to cut the onions , Moonekay Gandhi was a model in a towel, and Indura was India. Television was under our control, the PM used to be the RJ-in-chief on Akashvani and I used to sit, legs curled up behind me thinking of 20 points for the latest garibi jamboree program.
There were two superpowers in the world, the people who took money from both of them called themselves the “Non Aligned Movement” and all our conversations consisted of the “North South dialogue”, “the have and the have nots” and ” Get rid of poverty”.
Committees were called Politburos and “Gimme Red” meant another suitcase full of cash had arrived from the Kasturba Gandhi Briddhashram (which the world used to know as the KGB).
You needed a license to scratch your balls and red tape held the country together. And most of all, there was respect.
Now everything is different. It’s still possible to steal money like we used to do but now the pesky press just keeps head butting. Aaah in the old Emergency days we would have just shut down the power and then we would have seen where all this blogging-shogging would have been.
I mean what the f*** is wrong with people? Focker report… my foot? It’s just an insidious plot hatched by my bete noire — the Chutiya Intelligence Agency in return for all the money I took from them and never did anything. They have always hated me because they know of my influence among NAM and CHOWGM and ASSHOLE member countries and my open support for that what’s-his-name Cuban guy who gave Indura-ji a bear-hug and Condom Hussain.
I have never seen a barrel of oil in my life. How could I have stolen all those millions? Suitcases full of cash— I have seen. But this? Gimme a break.
Fact-finding committee my foot? I remember that WMD thing also was produced by a committee. I also remember that a committee absolved my dear friends Bharwah Singh, Jack-This Tightass and “Dekha Hain Paheli Baar” Sajan ” Ki Aankhon Mein Pyar” Kumari of all culpability in the 84 Delhi riots. And after this anyone takes committees seriously?
This was all a friggin set-up from the get go. And that Focker claims that he didnt even know I was a f***ing minister (FM) of India—-I mean god damn it man….the whole world knows who I am.
Of course I have not taken it lying down. Being a huge devotee of the Ponytail Guru, I took a hair out of his mane and have threatened to sue the United Nation for 175 crores if they don’t take out all references to me, my son and my party from the Focker report. I got it duly notarized by email and sent it to the devil. In the good old days, he would have been pissing in his trousers.
He laughed at me even after I threatened his boss that I would burn a hundred copies of the UN charter. Of course his boss and his son Cujo (wasnt that the name of a Stephen King book?) or Mojo …keep forgetting the name… had been let off in his report—-no honesty there of course.
Today I got a call. I was no longer the Man. I understood now why Khrushchev had slammed his shoe in the General Assembly (a most fine man who you used to send a few rubles separately to me as a token of appreciation or what the Soviets called a tip–God bless his soul). The Chutiyas had tried for so many decades to push me out ever since I replaced their dollar-filled suitcase with a suitcase full of Bangladeshi currency. And that too during the 1971 war. Chutiya banaya. Still gives me the jollies to think of it.
Anyway I am still a minister. With no work. I know that’s true for everyone but now it’s official. I have no work but I still draw the perks and everything—-so in that sense it’s all good. And it’s during these times that I appreciate the smaller things of life.
Like the fact that they never found out about the huge shipments of Havana cigars I used to get from Castor Oil (yes I remember his name now) in return for my support to his noble regime. Oh yes, they never found out about those.
This will blow itself out in due course. I shall lie low for a while and in a month or two shall be the head of some government thinktank with all the perks, trying to look deadly serious and talking rubbish with a straight face.
Those haters who think they have ruined me can just take a hike.