After my two earlier posts highlighting the Best and the Worst of Bollywood, now it is time for the So-Bad-Its-Good Countdown for 2005—-surely for regular readers of RTDM its what all of you were expecting. Possibly.
So here without much ado are the Greatbong’s must watch for the year 2005—-of course do remember to be well stocked with Prozac.
Let me start by saying that the skin flick “Topless” (tag line: It takes more than guts to reach the top“) is ineligible for this countdown because even I could not get through 30 minutes of this amazing work of art. Directed by one of Bollywood’s greatest avant-garde directors, Nabh Kumar Raju whose portfolio includes “24 X7 Bombay Saloon Unisex” and “Flirt–Mera Dil”, “Topless” is about an innocent model who is asked to pose “topless” for an ad campaign but she, according to the promotional material, stands “rock steady” against sacrificing her morals. It takes more than guts to sit through this one.
Having gotten that out of the way, here’s my list —tongue firmly in cheek, brain firmly in the drain.
5. Khamosh–Khauff Ki Raat
Ten people in an abandoned motel. A frightful deluge rages outside. Everyone is wet to the bones–which explains why they spend the night “khauffing”.
And then the bodies start piling up. Who is the killer? Why are they being brutalized?
Do you really care so long as you get to see Rakhi Sawant in the bathtub?
Most people have
seen the twisted thriller “Identity“—-one of my personal favorites of the genre in the last few years. Well Dipak Tijori had the DVD in his tijori for some time and he decided, in an orgasm of originality, to make an exact Hindi replica down to the costumes, the motel sign and the characters. However finding the ending and the explanation of “Identity” too confusing, he decided to dumb it down for the Indian audience—flattening a few of the twists at the end to make it more digestible including inserting a few “essential-for-the-plot” disrobing scenes.
Also Tijori threw in a cabaret number or two—-a shortcoming of the original movie many critics had pointed out. After all, we know the rule of thumb—for every 3 murders, there should be at least one item number.
Which reminds us of Agatha Christie’s chilling lines from “And Then There Were None”
Ten little Indians went out to dine,
One saw “Khamosh” and then there were nine.
4.Elaan
No this is not the Madhoo-Akshay Kumar-Rami Reddy starrer “Elaan” with the song “Tururu tururu turururu kahaan se karoon main pyaar shuru?” (From whither shall I start making love) nor is this the Dharmendra-starrer Elaan-e-Jung.
This is “Elaan”—one more quality product of the Bhatt family made with characteristic style and panache. A motley crew of Indians (Arjun Rampal, John Abraham, Rahul Khanna, Amisha Patel, Lara Dutta) go to Switzerland to get back, dead or alive, the greatest terrorist the world has ever known.
The man is Baba Sikander—-a terrifying visage of unadulterated pure evil played with Shakespearean aplomb by the Star of stars—Mithun Chakraborty, the Supreme Sith Lord.
Elaan is Mithun’s vehicle and he rides it like there’s no tomorrow. Sometimes ensconced in his luxurious chalet in the Jungfrau region and sometimes engaging in murderous debauchery in Venice, with the “shayari sprouting” Chunkey Pandey as his right hand man, Baba Sikander pulls the strings and delivers the lines—-in one beautiful Macbethian passage he tells us how despite his attempts to stay good, the world keeps on making him bad. Evil and tragic, Baba Sikander is truly one of the most 4-dimensional villains in Indian movie history.
The rest of the movie however can be summed up pithily in a line from a song of the movie:” Andarlu Mandralu”.
3. Fun— Can Be Dangerous Sometimes
Swapping is not a new concept in Hindi movies—-its been happening to infants in Kumbh Mela for ages. But Bollywood pushes the envelope by stretching this idea to the realm of adults—more specifically to husbands. While wife-swapping is fairly well known, Fun talks about husband swapping—which is subtly different. Its so subtle that I dont even know what the difference is. 
Anyhow here’s the story.
Two women decide to play a dangerous game aided and abetted by Payal Rohatgi, 2005’s biggest discovery. The game is to seduce each others husbands. In the meanwhile, Payal Rohatgi’s boyfriend (shown in picture) rescues a scantily-dressed Meena Kumari-aping lady from the ocean. Thrown in is a subplot of a horny hotelier, a tartar of a wife, a voluptuous maid and a lecherous waiter— and what do you get?
Loads and loads of “fun baba fun” (as the song goes).
And oh there is a murder somewhere too but really when you are having so much fun, who cares?
Payal Rohatgi is a wonder of technology —so much so that you could be excused for considering her to be a Fembot (female robot)—-her dialogue delivery and facial expressions are synthetic and seems to be operating on closed-loop control. She also might be Vulcan considering the number of times she arches her eyebrows ala Spock.
In conclusion, the movie’s greatest strength is its extremely ‘swappable’ nature whereas any scene can be swapped with any other scene in the sequence and even then “Fun” would make just as much sense as before.
2. Chahat Ek Nasha
In the course of her controversial career, Madonna has had her fair share of critics—the Church, feminists and angry moms . But not even her worst enemy could imagine or wish for Manisha Koirala, 200 lbs of gin-soaked flubber, to essay the role of the greatest female popstar.
Supposedly i
nspired by the story of Madonna and Britney Spears (according to the movie promos), “Chahat Ek Nasha” is a heart-pounding story of lust, greed, desire and jealousy between two pop-stars—Mallika played by Madonna Koirala and Rashmi played by “Toxic” Jhangiani. Thrown into this mix is the object of affections of the two fine ladies—recording exec Rahul (Aryan Vaid) and a murderous bodyguard (Sharad Kapoor) who has gone slightly off the rocker under the ceaseless pressure of protecting Koirala’s rather considerable body.
Manisha Koirala fits naturally into the role of an alcoholic superstar—-tottering about in alcohol-induced melancholia like an iceberg struck Titanic. Another weighty performance from her after Choti Si Love Story, Tum and Market. Jhangiani decides to be naughty in peekaboo Britney-ishtyle dresses , of course only because the “role demanded it” and “it was done in a tasteful way”. A “Behenji Trying to be Modern” performance if there ever was one. The dialogues are Tarantino-esque and the production credits, from the guys who brought you “Market”, are top-notch.
In passing, “Chahat Ek Nasha” remains memorable for capturing Madonna in her full playful glory (something even Baba Sehgal tried to do in “Main Bhi Madonna” but failed), crystallizing on film the essence of the Material Girl through the flawless acting of one of India’s heavyweight performers who certainly reveals a lot of “material” inside her (and some bulging out at the wrong places).
1. Laila
Another Payal Rohatgi movie and you know that this strappy lass is having an annus cleavlibis (wonder year). Directed by the brother of Kenny G, Vicky G “Laila” is episodic in nature—-basically a collection of the most common fantasies you would encounter in smut (boss-secretary, minister-villagebelle, master-student, actor-starlet, producer-starlet, biker-hitchhiker, godman-disciple) linked together by an invisible, imperceptible storyline.
A most brilliant narrative device is provided by a mysterious man who sits in a shadow and keeps the episodes “in context”. If the ideal of Engels was the withering away of the socialist state, here we see a true epitomization of the ideal of Hindi movies —the withering away of the plot.
Special mention must be made of Nirmal Pandey, once-rising-star of the Bollywood alternative scene who continues his hemorrhoidal hamming from “Mirchi Its Hot” (2004’s No 1 movie) to essay the role of a lusty actor who teaches method acting while bedding a starlet. Listening to him opining on the art of histrionics, one understands how Pandey has attained his current position in the Bollywood hierarchy of stars.
Summing up, Laila remains one of the most influential movies of the year—the recent Operation Majnu (Laila-Majnu) was no doubt inspired by cops watching this movie and becoming pro-active in preventing the social breakdown the movie depicts.
Keep slapping.
0. Classic Dance of Love
“Classic Dance of Love” cannot be ranked. It is incomparable and even calling it No 1 is an insult. Hence the special placeholder: Zero. (in honor of Mithun-da’s relativistic dialogue in the movie:
“There is no time, no space—only zero.”
)
Nothing more need be said except what has already been written here. Please read this review if you have not already.
The Greatbong Blog & Podcast 
Thanks for the great list. Worth keeping close to heart when I watch a bad movie. I can always see this list and tell myself that it can always get worse.
Laffa-licious – especially your reference to socialism and plot devices
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaha ha hahahahahahahahahahahaha….this is my favourite list..who cares for good and bad when you can have it orgasmically wonderful like this….i am soooo dying to see topless now…
last year i watched a bizarre film called a red rose ( i think ) it said its a musical and the poster did look a little shady but i thought how bad can it be…i shld have realised something…when the man at the ticket counter asked me ” madam aap yeh film dekhengi? akeli?”
my eyes popped out and jaw dropped many a time is all i can say…wish i had your wit to write a kickasss review
‘annus cleavlibis’.
That was yamajing !
Lovely !!
Brilliant lists! LOL at the Christie line and at “spent the night khauffingâ€. Can’t imagine what they must have done to Identity’s multi-personality climax – hope it didn’t involve Rakhi Sawant morphing into Deepak Tijori while in the bathtub.
kool!!!!!!!!
Hey! I have been reading your blog since a long time and I think you have a “shuddho” bangali humour. But I guess your appeal is universal.
I think your best review, among the ones I have read was that of the movie Asambhav, starring Arjun Rampal, whom a movie critic defined as a “handsome piece of wood”.
I maynot be in agreement with some of your movie choices but reading the list was enjoyable.
LOL @ UR LIST. IT BLASTS! Here some more bonus movies u could consider, its an endless list though:
Raat Ke Laddoo: Strictly (A)
Ramgadh Ki Ramkali
Hawas Ka Pujari: Strictly (A)
Loha Singh
Military Raaj
Bengal Tiger
Bhairav
Aaj Ka Rawan
Poocho Mere Dil Se
Taarzan: The Wonder Car
Uljhan
Bombay Girls
Haseena aur Nageena
Sukkh: The Happiness
Damn… its an endless list again. Watch Zee Cinema for some classics! Also refer to movies made by the following geniuses:
Suneel Darshan
B Subash
K C Bokadia
The Ramsays
😀
Absolutely ribtickling review there, Bong 🙂 You are truly the mawster! 🙂 LOL LOL LOL.
BTW, I thought I was the only dude who’s watched Laila. Relieved to find some company.
That Rank 0 thingy was the best part!! :)) Wonderful lists, Arnab!!
what absolutely delicious lists!
Undoubtedly, this is the best list out of the three, and my most favorite of the three lists!!
I couldn’t help nodding everywhere in the list – ROFL – and such similar tastes!! These movies would be up my list as well for their “terrific” entertainment value!!
I watched “Topless” over the weekend – amazing stuff I must say!!! I would put it up in my list – and of course, the others that I would add to this list would be:
“Vajra – the weapon”,
“Bullet – Ek Dhamaka – Time was running out to pull the trigger!” (as if one tagline was not enough)
“Bad Friend” – courtesy Meghna Naidu
“Chetna” – Yes, Payal again!
“RAIN” – Sigh, erotica of a blind woman
“Bhola in Bollywood!” – dont even ask me what this is abt!
LOL – I think I will write on this soon and leave you a link!
Cheers!
Suyog
Although I have not seen any of the above movies I just laughed and laughed only because of your analogies and comments. How can you come up with these appropriate analogies!!! – Ex: “In the course of her controversial career, Madonna has had her fair share of critics—the Church, feminists and angry moms. But not even her worst enemy could imagine or wish for Manisha Koirala, 200 lbs of gin-soaked flubber, to essay the role of the greatest female popstar.†We all love to watch movies but not with the great attention that you pay while watching a movie so much so that you come up with all these hilarious comments or analogies! My God will you be able to make uproarious comments on even a family movie like Parineeta?
Keep up the good work of making people laugh. But I must also mention here that quite a few people commenting on your post on ‘Operation Duryodhana’ on TOI did not get the sarcasm. What I really wonder is how people (supposedly educated ones) who are able to access the net can’t understand sarcasm – how decayed their understandings are.
I don’t know when your birthday is. But from yourfan2’s writings I know it is somewhere near. So let me wish you a very very happy, birthday – be healthy, happy and successful in whatever you do in life. I also wish you and your wife a happy New Year.
Your blog and this list are amazingly funny. If I may make one suggestion, will you consider rating your articles on funny scale! So that I can avoid one like this at work and either couldn’t laugh out loud, or appear guffaing to my collegues, either of which is undesirable.
Also, I wonder what are your sources for these movies. I hadn’t even heard names of most of them even though I keep trek of bollywood offerings reasonably. I always heard India makes 900 movies a year, but never could actually count them myself. Now I know what gems I was missing.
please check this…
http://specials.rediff.com/yearend/2005/dec/27yend1.htm
you will realise that you missed priceless gems like BEWAFA
such an original story…i think akshay was a pop star called the indian raja…and sushmita was boring and dull when alive and only wear chiffons when dead and heave her bosom and look all poutily at anil kapoor…and if you have not seen manoj bajpayee’s awesome performance in this one you haven’t seen anything…and to think that he was upset at being left out of the promos…
and mr ya miss(antara’s autobiographical attempts i tell u…she is still trying to figure what she likes being more…copy of urmila or shakti kapoor…
maybe next venture she will serach deeper and figure out whether she is a human being or not…her perpetual state of convulsions makes me doubt the fact at times…
i beleive there is a film called bhola in bollywood…will get the vcd and maybe write a review myself…
oh i saw a Fun type film too…called Timepass…
a guy (arjun punj) has a mission- to sleep with his ‘chritian’ girlftriedn…that is all he wants …christian =short skirts,wine drinking loose women (ref Julie of my heart is beating and Julie with neha dhupia) so anyway but they get caught in a riot and they don’t come around to the bonking part…she kind of gets raped by 3-4 friends of his…all different situations and different friends…so our guy decides to respect her instead…women beware of men who respect you…
respect=no action…
and he learns taht so what if she is a christian she is still a human being…very touching without anyone touchhing anyone i tell you.
@Sachin: You are welcome. Things always can get worse.
@Aaman: :-)….Engels must be turning in his grave.
@Silbil: But do please write a post about “Red Rose”….I thought that Red Rose had Poonam Dhillon and Rajesh Khanna. Please do elaborate.
@Soham Pablo: 🙂
@Tarit: Thank you
@Jabberwock: It very well might be…do watch Khamosh if you havent…they even copied the electrical malfunction in the motel sign.
@Dwaipayan: 🙂
@Ipshita: Oh yes Ashambhav is something else….Oyeee…
@Ex: Aaah what a beautiful list. I wish there was a Netflix for such movies—would just copied and pasted that list into my account.
@Sandeep: Welcome to the club.
@Sudipta: Yes some concepts cannot be ranked—Trigunatita…
@Teleute: 🙂
@Suyog: Yes please do…if you sat though Topless you are made of sterner stuff than I am.
@Yourfan: Its on 30th Dec…thanks a lot.
@AshishG: Sometimes beauty lies in unexpected places.
@Silbil: Yes checked that out. The plot of Timepass sounds very TP….hope Bollygrounds has it sometime.
Arnab, I know getting them is a problem in the USA, but how about a review of bengali movies next ?
I haven’t watched a single Hindi film released this year. It seems ever since I left India Bollywood has been churning out a lot of silly movies. The So-Bad-Its-Good Countdown is just howlarious.. nevertheless I think reading your entertaining reviews is enough and I would rather miss the actual films themselves. Except perhaps for Mithunda’s Classic Dance of Love.
“There is no time, no space—only zero.” That no doubt “classic” line from the 0 ranked film along with your very apt still of Mithunda (mouth open blissful smile, eyes dreamily half closed) had me in splits 🙂
Great collection. Good Xmass gift for enemies and bosses..
Heh….Rank 0 was the best thing.
3rd and final reminder:
GB’s birthday is on Friday, 30th December.
So, now go and wish him!!!
THIS is the RTDM I got hooked to…I thought you’d lost it, what with all the politics and the cricket. *phew*
…
(no words. NO words. only applause. thunderous)
p.s: I second Srin. Maybe it’s a JU Arts female thing.
As I told in my previous comment, greatbong, here’s my collection of my unmissable movies hehe!
http://suyogdeshpande.net/blog/2005/12/29/unmissable-movies-of-2005/
Cheers!
Suyog
I am reading this today for 4th time, but I have had ridiculous laugh with all my colleagues staring at me and doubting my mental health. To good!!!