Chunari gayee Sarak sarak sarak
Shocking. Simply shocking. Unless you have been living under a Stone, you should know by now about the cataclysmic attack that was inflicted on Indian culture and our traditional way of life during Lakme India Fashion week.
Yes I am referring to the wardrobe malfunctions of Carol Gracias and Gauhar Khan which lay bare to the watching eyes of millions a set of female breasts and a woman’s derriÃ¨re.
Of course the debauches will try to convince us that these were accidents and there was no foul play involved. The pseudo-logicals and the apologists will put forward the argument that if people are already 85% naked, how does 87% make it any worse?
To the first group, all I shall say is that lightning does not strike twice in quick succession. Even if one has 15 girls showing off 35 outfits in 20 minutes. And to the second group I say that it is that 2% which is the titting sorry tipping point—-why even Carol realized it when she slumped on Marc Robinson’s shoulder and cried copiously after the event.
And why do you think she was crying? Well I think she realized that it is going to be tough to get her married off after this horrible event. If it really was nothing, then she should have been saying “Gracias”—right?
So yes—yes it is a big deal. That 2%.
Indian culture cannot and should not tolerate the display of naked breasts, even for a blindingly brief nanosecond. We are addicted to the boob tube. We have old boobs for politicians. Any more will surely rupture the country’s moral fabric and expose the junk in our trunk.
And that cannot be tolerated.
This “wardrobe malfunction” thing has always been an euphemism for the worst kind of vulgarity. Its origins are in the infamous Justin Timberlake-Janet Jackson rumble during the Superbowl half-time when the entire US population were treated to a gratuitous display of breasts as Ms Jackson’s top was torn away by Timberlake. According to Justin, he was expecting something underneath it, Janet claimed she did not know Justin was going to do that– in short, it was all an accident.
Did anyone buy it? No. They however did buy a shitload of Janet Jackson CDs after that—-in the process giving a huge boost to her sagging career.
And why did they not buy the “accident” theory? Maybe because Mr Timberlake was performing a number that had the line “Bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song” in it.
In the Carol-Gauhar case, things are not so open-and-shut. Correction: they are open but not shut.
Which is why I welcome the initiative of one of my favourite politicians: Deputy Chief Minister R R Patil who, in a transport of immense sagacity, has directed City Police Comissoner AN Roy to check all video clippings of the slips and investigate if this was a deliberate act.
A brilliant use of our policeforce’s time and taxpayer’s money as roomfulls of hyperventilating men shall watch and rewatch (in super slow motion) the offending video clips late into the night and try desperately to find hidden clues, exercising the mythical “kanoon ka lamba haath”. (long arm of the law) for the good of the people.
But I am not sure that merely watching the clip a 100 times will be able to solve such a delicate case as this. Clues may be revealed but the case will not be solved. In order to make the case “stand” we should have re-inactments of the act in front of an audience comprising of politicians and other eminent beings who have the total interest of the country in hand.
The models should be made to recreate the scene over and over again while the Patils and the Thackerays compare notes so as to get a grip on the situation. Fingerprints should be collected from the exact “scene” of the crime and for that special agent Amar Singh should be brought in so as to get to the bottom of the case pronto.
What is worrying for me is that if this goes unpunished, it may start a new age of copycat malfunctions. What is there to prevent Laloo Yadav, who like Carol Gracias reportedly has an aversion for underwear, from stage-executing a dhoti malfunction during a Janata Dal rally to win back his Yadav support ?
Is that the kind of open government you want?
I do not think so.
And to all those slaves of the Western world who say we are over-reacting over a small issue, I have one thing to say:
[Update: The case has been solved. It was an accident. A cover-up if there was ever one. Disgusting.]