When I Die

When I die, would this be what people will say about me?

His known weakness was for good food, which made him overweight and diabetic.

[FYI: I am not diabetic]

Will gmail be in such an obscene hurry to recycle my mail space that within hours of my death, this would happen?

His e-mail was gbong@gmail.com, which will be defunct from today.

Won’t anyone have the decency to forward my mails from my defunct account to gbong.is.dead@gmail.com so that I can read my spam from Dante’s second circle of Hell while listening to “Jhalak Dikh Lajaaa“? Won’t anyone have the decency to not call me overweight once my soul has left my defunct body?

Will my email reading habits be made public knowledge like Bibek Maitra’s?

Bibek Maitra always asked his friends to forward him e-mails on terrorism, China, the Indo-US nuclear issue etc.

Only in my case it will be “forward him e-mails with pictures of Payal Rohatgi, Mumait Khan and Jessica Simpson”.

Will my mobile number be made public so that people can call it to inconvenience me by ringing my cell at a time when my full concentration is devoted in holding on to the tail of the cow whose job it is to take me across the river of blood?

The New Delhi police has released three telephone numbers from where Moitra received calls just before his death on his mobile phone (9811068282).

Though I don’t know the answers to these questions what I can say after reading this howler of an “obituary” by Sheela Bhatt about Bibek Maitra, is this:

‘That rediff.com be not told of my death,
Or made to grieve on account of me,
And that I not have my obituary written by Sheela Bhatt,
And that I not be called overweight ,
And that my email address not be made defunct within hours of my death,
And that my email forwarding habits are not revealed,
And that no man remember me,
And kindly ignore the line before this,
To this I put my name.’

Inspired by Thomas Hardy.

More about this here and here.

30 thoughts on “When I Die

  1. Bohemian Wanderlust June 2, 2006 — 6:09 pm

    If I screamed out at such an obit,wud I considered weird?
    Yuck.I am sure even Bibek wudnt have wished to see such an obit.

    ANd oh, from prev post , Nez means nose in french arnab.

  2. Bohemian Wanderlust June 2, 2006 — 6:18 pm

    Oopsie .My apologies for multiposting arnab.
    I dint see u had responded to my comment in the last post.

    BTW do u know french?
    [i]Un peu[/i] atleast ?

  3. I saw this article in the morning, and felt exactly the same. What a shameful way of writing an obit – rediff is quickly becoming a second TOI with amateur writers.


  4. Awww man…I read the post’s title..and thought you had started thinking morbid thoughts, wondering about who will attend your fun-eral, how will they react, who will cry and who wont etc…

    pictures of Payal Rohatgi, Mumait Khan and Jessica Simpson eh? what will your wife think i wonder πŸ˜‰

    And yes…truly BAD obit. Srprised to see this coming from Rediff though…I generally find it good.

    Having said that…Would be interesting to read about your thoughts on (your own :D)dying…I mean actually thinking about the first few lines of this comment. What say? Can we expect?

    Musings that Amuse

  5. Oh… will I never learn? The way I walked into that one… I thought you were writing about your own death. My God! πŸ™‚
    And My God for the obituary too. I hate to say this here Arnabda, but that lady seems to have far greater writing skill than you. Could you ever write an obituary in such a style that the readers will forget their sorrow (if any) and start laughing? πŸ˜‰
    And once upon a time Rediff used to publish good articles… 😦

  6. What is it that makes many wonder “What your wife will think” the moment you mention the names of any other actresses, girls etc etc ? (As if your wife doesn’t know you well enough..).or is it a standard line assumed to be used as a witty comment whenever you make such statements.

  7. Very surreal obit!!
    It was like the writer came uo with some random sentences and just bunched them together without forming any coherent theme.
    Her mention of Maitra’s phone no. was really confusing – wht will a person do with it, give blank calls??
    And the mention of Maitra’s ID getting defunct – hilarious!!

  8. huh ? no Rakhi Samant ?

    Death be not proud I say, Death be not proud !

  9. I LOVED the obituary. Rediff has revolutionised obit writing and started a new trend and I’m sure the Nasty Obit will soon be a rage in the world, with famous people clamouring to have theirs written beforehand by writers who are not afraid to be honest (such as yourself?). I see a flourishing trade in it. Why don’t you sit down and write a few for, say, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Bush, Lalu, Mayawati etc?

  10. This Marauder is SUCH an idea-stealer, what to say only. I was just about to demand…er, politely request obs. from the talent pool of ze Greatbong. But she had to go and say it first. Dammit, Shrabonti!

  11. Rahul mahajan case ta ey jata kechcha hochchey..maney ekkebarey jata.Methinks, a lot of “skeletons” are going to be liberated from the closet of our denials. Is His-nose Reshammiya tuned in..:))

    Good post though.

  12. wow, greatbong! tussi great ho ji.

    if the blogosphere were manhattan, then this blog would be the empire state building πŸ˜€

    the mithunda stuff is ulti cool. but i didn’t see a review of gunda (one of the greatest movies ever made) anyhwere?

  13. please send me the sequence of the hit songs of himesh reshammiya.


    also the secreate of the himesh reshammiya power.

    how to success himesh reshammiya (how to learn music or singing) please send me the information

  14. Good to such writing. I still stand a chance of getting a article in rediff πŸ™‚

  15. btw, posting a comment here after a long time. Loved your posts on Himees and Da Vinci πŸ™‚

  16. A brilliant obituary…had a good laugh first thing in the morning and then felt really guilty about it! This Sheela Bhatt woman is amazing…she should try writing for Ananda Bazar`Patrika!!

  17. who was feeling sorry for bibek’s “unfortunate death “?
    Sheela is more original than Kaavya ,see how beautifully she has stringed ‘her pearls’.

  18. Will my mobile number be made public so that people can call it to inconvenience me by ringing my cell at a time when..

    Oooh, that would be a lot of roaming airtime charges dude!

  19. YOURFAN writes:
    @GB: Although I donÒ€ℒt like anything remotely related to death (as it depresses me very quickly Γ’β‚¬β€œI am quite touchy about the subject) yet I honestly liked your article. It is hilarious as usual. But what is even more hilarious is how things are unfolding now. So many theories/stories to choose from. What sure is not at all funny is the mental state of RahulÒ€ℒs mother!!! One thing I so badly want to mention which I think is going to stir up controversy is that our Sonia Gandhi did something right in bringing up her children Γ’β‚¬β€œ at least she has taught them to wrap their secrets really well enough as to not get caught or end up in hospital or worst be dead!!!!!

  20. ur writing, choice of topics is amazing!

  21. such an interesting article. (the rediff one, not yours!)

    there is a certain reason for writing mobile no & gmail….to show the world that Bibek used to have a very close relationship with Ms Bhatt….now don’t be surprised if Delhi Police starts questioning her.


  22. About the Mahajan family, the buzz in India is that:

    a) Pramod was having an affair with Praveen’s wife – this is a crime of passion a la Nanavati
    b) Pramod was aware of Rahul’s drug habit and had tried to get him into detox
    c) Bibek was gay but Pramod (rightly) didn’t care
    d) Pramod’s brother in law, Munde had a concubine but again Pramod didn’t care

    I am beginning to like this family. They are so outre…almost as weird as the Ramanis! πŸ™‚

  23. ah,
    what a nice, dysfunctional family it is/was.

    all us poor indians saying — what a blessing that we are low flying nonentities– our siblings have never got a handout from us, our chillun cant afford drugs (thats what all parents think) and we cant afford faithful-to-death-secretaries.

    i wonder what the rich indians are saying?

  24. Not to miss: Ms Sheela Bhatt’s ‘beautiful’ article on Rekah Mahajan!!! Rediff 07-Jun…its serious yikkes stuff!!! God save us from this woman!!!

  25. wow !I am begining to like this Sheela Bhatt…here is the link

  26. @Bohemian Wanderlust: Weird? Nothing is weirder compared to this obit.

    @Suyog: Heh.

    @IndianArchie: Bhai…what is there for my wife to mind? Seeing pictures of actresses (okay not in the exact sense of the word) would make any wife mad?

    @Joy Forever: Yes she does have skills I will find tough to acquire… but I am trying.

    @EMC3: Sigh !

    @Dhananjay: Of course ! Dialling the number of a dead man so as to check who answers is great fun.

    @Bombay Addict: Rakhi Sawant oh yes..

    @The Marauder’s Map: I would be out of business if the celebs you mentioned hit the dust—-maybe an obit of Paris Hilton would be in order..

    @Rimi: All in good time…

    @Abhijit: Of course…

    @Mental Baba: I am leaving that for a rainy day—actually its tough to do justice to Gunda in a review—one needs a micro-site for that…

    @Rajesh kale: I wish I had

    @HP: πŸ™‚

    @Nautilus: ABP mm…

    @Varsha: Truly..

    @Pavan: LOL….verizon might even have their network there.

    @yourfan: Exactly. Mama Sonia has truly groomed her son well….she doesnt want him meeting the uncle sanjay fate.

    @Varsha: Thank you

    @Indranil: Which means my post wasnt interesting?

    @Shan: I started writing the next post before I saw this comment. Totally agree.

    @Kosh and Indranil: Beautiful…

  27. nothing is more interesting than a sheela bhatt article…not even your post !!!

    ever heard of ‘Bhat boka’ ?

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