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“Aha I knew this would happen all along. Praise be to Allah. Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are going to divorce. Whitney is all mine now. Bobby Brown is lucky—I don’t have to kill him any longer with a rusty drug syringe as I had planned.”
Osama Bin Laden was ecstatic. Throwing his head back carelessly, he started crooning: “Though each time I try, I break down and cry, Cause I rather be home feeling blue, So I am saving all my love for youuuuuuuuuu….”
“What the f are you talking about?” snapped Mullah Omar “Can’t I hear my favorite Eric Clapton song Virgins in Heaven without having to be disturbed by your bleatings? By the way, what does Whitney Houston have to do with you?”
Osama smiled and pointed to a print-out.
OSAMA bin Laden, the al-Qaeda leader, was obsessed with the singer Whitney Houston and wanted to marry her, a new book claims.
Kola Boof, a Sudanese poet and novelist, who says she was kept against her will as the terrorism mastermind’s mistress in 1996, writes in her autobiography that he wanted to give the star a mansion and make her one of his wives.
“He told me that Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen,” Boof claims in Diary of a Lost Girl, excerpts of which are published in Harper’s magazine.
But bin Laden had less respect for Houston’s husband Bobby Brown, apparently talking about the possibility of having him killed.
“He said that he had a paramount desire for Whitney Houston and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of some day spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting with the superstar,” Boof writes.
“He said he wanted to give Whitney Houston a mansion that he owned in a suburb of Khartoum.
“He explained to me that to possess Whitney, he would be willing to break his colour rule and make her one of his wives.”
Bin Laden would speak constantly about “how beautiful she [Houston] is, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband – Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women’s husbands killed.”
Boof, who also says the al- Qaeda leader would “ramble on” about his favourite TV shows, The Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver, adds: “In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the star, as well as copies of Playboy … It would soon come to the point where I was sick of hearing Whitney Houston’s name.”
“Holy shit, Osama” yelped Mullah Omar, “you used to see the Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver…..no wonder you hate Western culture. But I didn’t know you read Playboy…you old sod. But who is this Kola Boof, your mistress? I thought you only got lucky with your cousins and blind goats..”
“Aah ignorant one. Unlike you I have not led a life of self-abuse—did your parents not tell you that if you masturbate, then you lose your eye. Evidently not. In any case, as an answer to your question this Kola Boof was my sex-slave for 6 months , a time she spent dancing naked to Van Halen and satisfying my horny urges—even Jihadis need some fun when alive, don’t they?
“I don’t believe it” said Mullah Omar…”I just cannot”
“Read, read oh jealous one….one who has only his hand for company. Read from an extract from my mistress’s autobiography”. [Must read]
He (Osama) would humiliate me by making me dance naked. It was such a strange thing, because for the most part he believed music was evil. If a guest at the estate played music, he would cover his ears until the â€œpoisonâ€ was silenced. But other times he would become this devout party boy who wanted to hear Van Halen or some B-52’s. To this day I hear the song â€œRock Lobsterâ€ in my sleep. I would be jerking around like a white girlâ€”â€œDance like a Caucasoid girl!â€ he would sayâ€”and his eyes would track me from one side of the terrace to the other. â€œYour ass is too big, show me the front,â€ he said. Osama, you understand, did not know the difference between being vicious and being tender.
Mullah Omar gaped at Osama. Breathless. Osama smiled “Heh heh. Ooh Kola’s twin towers…aah…the memories. Read that extract. Learn something. Learn who was the first person to use that eternal Orkut scrap favourite “wanna do franship” (From Kola Boof’s autobiography: But Osama was trying to be charming, despite the fear in my eyes. â€œWhy did you run? I just think you’re lovely and I find you intriguing. I wanted to be your friend.) Learn about my doing drugs from a golden hookah. Learn learn….oh blind one.”
Just then in comes General Pervez.
General Pervez: “Okay now how many times do I have to tell you, that just cause you guys are staying at my place does not mean you can get away with keeping the toilet seat up. Is that too much to expect guys? I have been friggin wining and dining you in my house for the last three years, faithfully ferrying your video tapes to Al Jazeera. And after all that, is keeping the toilet seat down too much to expect in return?”
Mullah Omar yelped “General, did you hear about this Kola Boof?”
General Pervez rolled his eyes. “Oh dear, Osama. When will you stop behaving like an engineering college boy and stop making up sexual encounters when there were none? Holy mother of God, that lady is lying to her teeth and here you are riding on those lies because they make you look more a man than you are. Look at this.”
Peter Bergen, a biographer of bin Laden, says that Osama Bin Laden was never in Morocco in 1996 – in fact, he says that Bin Laden has never been to Morocco at all. He has called Boof “delusional”and described her autobiography as “rife with howlers large and small” – such as her claim of having a group sexual encounter in 1996 whose participants included bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri, with bin Laden’s mentor Abdullah Azzam, and Egyptian jihadist Sayyid Qutb. Bergen finds the encounter implausible, since at the time, bin Laden was in the Sudan, Zawahiri was in prison, Azzam had been assassinated in 1989, and Qutb had been dead for thirty years
Mullah Omar laughed out. “Whoa boy. Old Laden sees dead people. No even better, he participates in orgies with them…..ha ha….so what’s this dear? Another Jewish conspiracy?”
Osama’s eyes flashed with hatred.
“Oh Mullah Omar. Stop laughing you Barbara Streisand you.”
“And as to you old Pervez–you should be the last one accusing me of lying. From claiming that India stole your nuclear secrets...”
“But Osama, they did….”
“Aw shut up General. You guys got confused by the Chinese instruction manual for those nuclear devices…and had to call for an interpreter. We all know that your nuclear bombs were as Pakistani as Chow Mein…so zip it.
Had it not been for the publisher, in your autobiography you were going to claim that you knew who killed JF Kennedy and where King Arthur’s sword is….so yeah you should be the last person talking about truth here.”
Mullah Omar interjected ” At least that we could believe. But when the General says that it was India invading Pakistan during Kargil, then even I, who believe that storks bring babies and that there is a nice gentleman in Nigeria who wants to give me 10% of a 50 million dollar commission, have to laugh and shake my head.”
General P was deflated.
“Whatever fellows. Osama here is the latest edition of Playboy which the newsboy just delivered…it’s titled “Suicide Bombers Show Their Packages” and here Mullah Omar is the “Arabs Gone Wild” you ordered—see exclusive clips of beheadings, castrations and amputations that are too risky to be shown on Al-Jazeera. Right now, I cannot get rid of you two cause if I handed you over, then the money I get from US to catch you guys will die up. But don’t be so cocky you two…..don’t be so cocky”
” So where are you off to?” asked Osama. “Sit awhile and we can all listen to Whitney Houston classics.”
General P smiled “No can do. I have dinner with two of my childhood heroes at the Karachi Sheraton—Elvis Preseley and Bruce Lee. Be good while I am gone—don’t ‘mush’terbate on the bedsheets…..”
Osama and Mullah Omar looked at each other. Smiling knowingly, they whispered:
“Sweet Jesus, this guy can lie.”