Liar Liar

Kindly vote for in the category “Best India Blog” at Asia Blog Awards.

“Aha I knew this would happen all along. Praise be to Allah. Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are going to divorce. Whitney is all mine now. Bobby Brown is lucky—I don’t have to kill him any longer with a rusty drug syringe as I had planned.”

Osama Bin Laden was ecstatic. Throwing his head back carelessly, he started crooning: “Though each time I try, I break down and cry, Cause I rather be home feeling blue, So I am saving all my love for youuuuuuuuuu….”

“What the f are you talking about?” snapped Mullah Omar “Can’t I hear my favorite Eric Clapton song Virgins in Heaven without having to be disturbed by your bleatings? By the way, what does Whitney Houston have to do with you?”

Osama smiled and pointed to a print-out.

OSAMA bin Laden, the al-Qaeda leader, was obsessed with the singer Whitney Houston and wanted to marry her, a new book claims.

Kola Boof, a Sudanese poet and novelist, who says she was kept against her will as the terrorism mastermind’s mistress in 1996, writes in her autobiography that he wanted to give the star a mansion and make her one of his wives.

“He told me that Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen,” Boof claims in Diary of a Lost Girl, excerpts of which are published in Harper’s magazine.

But bin Laden had less respect for Houston’s husband Bobby Brown, apparently talking about the possibility of having him killed.

“He said that he had a paramount desire for Whitney Houston and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of some day spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting with the superstar,” Boof writes.

“He said he wanted to give Whitney Houston a mansion that he owned in a suburb of Khartoum.

“He explained to me that to possess Whitney, he would be willing to break his colour rule and make her one of his wives.”

Bin Laden would speak constantly about “how beautiful she [Houston] is, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband – Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women’s husbands killed.”

Boof, who also says the al- Qaeda leader would “ramble on” about his favourite TV shows, The Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver, adds: “In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the star, as well as copies of Playboy … It would soon come to the point where I was sick of hearing Whitney Houston’s name.”

“Holy shit, Osama” yelped Mullah Omar, “you used to see the Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver… wonder you hate Western culture. But I didn’t know you read Playboy…you old sod. But who is this Kola Boof, your mistress? I thought you only got lucky with your cousins and blind goats..”

“Aah ignorant one. Unlike you I have not led a life of self-abuse—did your parents not tell you that if you masturbate, then you lose your eye. Evidently not. In any case, as an answer to your question this Kola Boof was my sex-slave for 6 months , a time she spent dancing naked to Van Halen and satisfying my horny urges—even Jihadis need some fun when alive, don’t they?

“I don’t believe it” said Mullah Omar…”I just cannot”

“Read, read oh jealous one….one who has only his hand for company. Read from an extract from my mistress’s autobiography”. [Must read]

He (Osama) would humiliate me by making me dance naked. It was such a strange thing, because for the most part he believed music was evil. If a guest at the estate played music, he would cover his ears until the “poison” was silenced. But other times he would become this devout party boy who wanted to hear Van Halen or some B-52’s. To this day I hear the song “Rock Lobster” in my sleep. I would be jerking around like a white girl—“Dance like a Caucasoid girl!” he would say—and his eyes would track me from one side of the terrace to the other. “Your ass is too big, show me the front,” he said. Osama, you understand, did not know the difference between being vicious and being tender.

Mullah Omar gaped at Osama. Breathless. Osama smiled “Heh heh. Ooh Kola’s twin towers…aah…the memories. Read that extract. Learn something. Learn who was the first person to use that eternal Orkut scrap favourite “wanna do franship” (From Kola Boof’s autobiography: But Osama was trying to be charming, despite the fear in my eyes. “Why did you run? I just think you’re lovely and I find you intriguing. I wanted to be your friend.) Learn about my doing drugs from a golden hookah. Learn learn….oh blind one.”

Just then in comes General Pervez.

General Pervez: “Okay now how many times do I have to tell you, that just cause you guys are staying at my place does not mean you can get away with keeping the toilet seat up. Is that too much to expect guys? I have been friggin wining and dining you in my house for the last three years, faithfully ferrying your video tapes to Al Jazeera. And after all that, is keeping the toilet seat down too much to expect in return?”

Mullah Omar yelped “General, did you hear about this Kola Boof?”

General Pervez rolled his eyes. “Oh dear, Osama. When will you stop behaving like an engineering college boy and stop making up sexual encounters when there were none? Holy mother of God, that lady is lying to her teeth and here you are riding on those lies because they make you look more a man than you are. Look at this.”

Peter Bergen, a biographer of bin Laden, says that Osama Bin Laden was never in Morocco in 1996 – in fact, he says that Bin Laden has never been to Morocco at all. He has called Boof “delusional”and described her autobiography as “rife with howlers large and small” – such as her claim of having a group sexual encounter in 1996 whose participants included bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri, with bin Laden’s mentor Abdullah Azzam, and Egyptian jihadist Sayyid Qutb. Bergen finds the encounter implausible, since at the time, bin Laden was in the Sudan, Zawahiri was in prison, Azzam had been assassinated in 1989, and Qutb had been dead for thirty years

Mullah Omar laughed out. “Whoa boy. Old Laden sees dead people. No even better, he participates in orgies with them…..ha ha….so what’s this dear? Another Jewish conspiracy?”

Osama’s eyes flashed with hatred.

“Oh Mullah Omar. Stop laughing you Barbara Streisand you.”

“And as to you old Pervez–you should be the last one accusing me of lying. From claiming that India stole your nuclear secrets...”

“But Osama, they did….”

“Aw shut up General. You guys got confused by the Chinese instruction manual for those nuclear devices…and had to call for an interpreter. We all know that your nuclear bombs were as Pakistani as Chow Mein…so zip it.

Had it not been for the publisher, in your autobiography you were going to claim that you knew who killed JF Kennedy and where King Arthur’s sword is….so yeah you should be the last person talking about truth here.”

Mullah Omar interjected ” At least that we could believe. But when the General says that it was India invading Pakistan during Kargil, then even I, who believe that storks bring babies and that there is a nice gentleman in Nigeria who wants to give me 10% of a 50 million dollar commission, have to laugh and shake my head.”

General P was deflated.

“Whatever fellows. Osama here is the latest edition of Playboy which the newsboy just delivered…it’s titled “Suicide Bombers Show Their Packages” and here Mullah Omar is the “Arabs Gone Wild” you ordered—see exclusive clips of beheadings, castrations and amputations that are too risky to be shown on Al-Jazeera. Right now, I cannot get rid of you two cause if I handed you over, then the money I get from US to catch you guys will die up. But don’t be so cocky you two…..don’t be so cocky”

” So where are you off to?” asked Osama. “Sit awhile and we can all listen to Whitney Houston classics.”

General P smiled “No can do. I have dinner with two of my childhood heroes at the Karachi Sheraton—Elvis Preseley and Bruce Lee. Be good while I am gone—don’t ‘mush’terbate on the bedsheets…..”

Osama and Mullah Omar looked at each other. Smiling knowingly, they whispered:

“Sweet Jesus, this guy can lie.”

38 thoughts on “Liar Liar

  1. heh.

    General P can lie as hell!

    But, I tihnk a more plausible sexual orgy would be Omar, Mushy, and Bin Laden while the good doctor keeps track of Bin Laden’s health. :p

    Mushy baby just went nuts selling his book but you missed the funniest bit. He has also objected to his bomb being called an Islamic bomb! He says thats racist! That man is off his frigging head. 😛

    Great post as usual!

  2. And hey, I missed commenting about the orkut bit. The whole scrap wana-do-friendship bit. 😛

  3. Thats some awesome writing Arnab.


    are u aware of the sexual harrasment of a northeast( mizo) girl from the faculty of law , delhi university? the incident happened on friday 22/september/2006 at the arts faculty compound, university of delhi.

    we know u write this hugely popular blog which is read by a wide section of people..including the media…activist…students and people who can dare and sytand up for a cause…….will you please do your bit to raise as much awareness on this issue. there is an active group (friends of the culprit) that is trying to put the entire matter under wraps. we need as much help as we can get from all quaters. we must create an awareness about this unfortunate incident and not let it be just another incident.
    north-east students

  5. How could a respected leader like General Musharraf lie? Not possible. Even Bush and Singh believe him. The rest of us should too.

  6. has anyone ever told you that your writing style is almost exactly as Art Buchwald?
    but you mostly write on topics related to the subcontinent, so its more fun to read as i can relate to it!
    (and obviously your hindi film music encyclopedia gives you an edge over him :))

  7. that was a delight to read.

    @freaky connexion
    this a weird request dear..this is a blog not a newspaper. There are infinite such incidents happening all over delhi …if you really want to promote your cause then why don’t you write about it!

  8. After a sentimental “Durga Pujo Away From Home”.. this hilarious “Liar-Liar” !! GreatBong definitely takes you on a roller-coster ride of emotions !! Great job sir !!

  9. Nandini,

    What does Blank Noise have to do with this?

  10. I think this article needs your attention. Silicon valley is soon going to become silica valley… thanks to the fantastic thought process of the H D Kumaraswamy.

    Please oblige

  11. aah..What a delight to read…


  12. Mmmh. What to say, Laden is laden with some taste – of all species on earth, Whi(t)ney Houston? Maybe Laden was besotted by Bodyguard, what say? Wouldnt mind hearing Laden singing “… And IIIIIIIIIIIIII Willlllllllll alwayyyyyyyyyyyyyyys lovvvvvvvvvvvvve youuuu”


  13. “We all know that your nuclear bombs were as Pakistani as Chow Mein” – LoL ….

    This was a classic good post … something real funnnnnny and not just ‘smart-ass’s sarcastic blabbering’ …
    Btw – our very own Dawood too is Mush’s neighbour …. you could include him too to the party next time ..

  14. Awesome. Just could not stop laughing.

  15. oh man …. this is funny …

  16. Great Writing Sir !!
    Flattered by your composing…

    Keep it yup…


  17. o bhai bongOsama,
    fatale ki dodoMa!
    mush-O-mar LIAR LIAR
    haasi aar jay na thama!!

    sabdhane theko bhaya
    ey lekha sorbOnasha!
    oso bhai porle pore
    jodi hoy bishom g(n)osa??


  18. GB, owing to the negative reviews that Mush’s Memoir is drawing from the Indian press, I guess we are missing out on the very subtle ways in which this book is a very laudable effort. For instance, the general inspires me to self-promote my own review of the book in Please read it and vote for it (as I vote for GB as “Best India Blog” 😉

  19. Somehow, I feel, general public in Pakistan does not enjoy India bashing as Indians enjoy it.

  20. I can’t understand how the President of Pakistan can make such claims and get away with it! And to what advantage? isn’t accusing the US of threatening to bomb Pak a very stupid move?
    I think whatever controversy and media coverage the ‘autobiography’ has recieved is way less than needed.

  21. and hey, this post is extremely hilarious in signature Greatbong style!

  22. wily ol’greatbong is just making sure we vote for him!!
    hilarious post it was…n vote i will!!

  23. I thought you only got lucky with your cousins and blind goats..”

    fell of my seat……………..hail bong dada

  24. Mush can lie allright…..Mush on The daily show…

    Jon Stewart: If Osama and Bush stand for election in Pak who will win??
    Mush: they BOTH will loose!!

    …errr OK chief!!!

  25. @Confused: Yes indeed. He asked why the Indian bomb is not called the Hindu bomb. That’s cause we aren’t a Hindu country—–and thank heavens for that.

    @SujithK, Prasanna, Perspective Inc, Sang.Froid, Sharique, Anirban, mar00ned, SP, HP, Rohan, Prakash, Ezaz, Vuttaa, Sudha, Sunshine, Fah:


    @Freaky Connexion: Unless you can point to some news source, there’s very little anyone can do. It’s also the fact that this blog isn’t an activist site and me mentioning something isn’t going to help matters any. Your cause may be better served by writing to bloggers who are already in the Indian media.

    @S. Pyne: Really…how can he ever lie?

    @MB: Really sad.

    @Suyog: Maybe Osama imagined himself to be Kevin Costner.

    @Nikhil: “something real funnnnnny and not just ’smart-ass’s sarcastic blabbering’ …”

    Mmm so my other posts are smart-ass sarcastic blabbering?

    @S.Pyne: We really should learn something from the General.

    @Sam: Well you think wrong. For a country whose existence itself is justified by its hatred of India, the Pakistani media/movies are full of anti-India references. Their TV has Indians calling “dark people” ..maybe a post on this is in order.

    @Sudha: Anything to sell his book..

    @Gourav: Well the General was not lying. If there is an election in Pakistan between Bush and Osama, it’s the General who wins. That’s just the way “elections” are defined in the land of the pure.

  26. Great Post!
    PS: I tried voting for you but for some reason it would not take up my vote. Anyways you remain the best blogger in my book.

  27. Most heads-of-nations write their autobiography after retiring from public life. Why has Mush written his before giving up his post?

    Possibly because he knows he’ll either be killed and/or overthrown – and he’ll never get a chance to write ‘The World According to Mush’ afterwards.

    People who live by the sword … trite, but true.

  28. I heard that Mush wants Client Eastwood to star again in “In the Line of Fire”. That is the reason why he is in USA now, to persuade the Oscar winning director/actor.
    Ben Kingsley will play Osama. Whitney Houston will play Ms. Rice. Steve Carrel is Bush. Dev Anand will play the PM of India.
    Highlight of the movie:
    Clint (Mussaraf) says to Ben Kingsley (Osama) in a cave in Afghanistan ” I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
    After this brief one-sided interaction, done for the show of CNN and CNBC, they switch off the telly cameras and sit down on the Persian carpet for a round of India bashing, heart to heart talk, and some Kabuli dates.

  29. God, you write so well, some lit talent in display here!

  30. This must rank as one of your all time best posts. LOVED the layers in this one… simply awesome.

  31. awesome blog… this write up is my favourite!! i doubled up with laughter when i first read it. this is my third time!

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