Unless you spend all your time reading books or watching the mating lives of walruses on the Animal Planet (as opposed to those of beautiful people), you surely must know that the “will they won’t they” Aishwarya-Abhishek relationship recently became “Yes they will” much to the joy of a whole nation. Rarely since Rama vanquished Ravana has there been such celebration in the world of monkeys.
Taking into account the public mood and the desire for every bit of information about this beautiful couple, the media frenzy has been relentless —whether it be the Bachchan family taking Ash to the temple to get God to make an exception for the badluck he traditionally heaps on the husbands of Mangaliks (Ash is a Mangalik) or the effect Hrittik’s liplock with Ms. Rai in Dhoom II will have on Abhishek. So much has been the media obsession that some people have wondered aloud whether the press has nothing better to do than cover the personal lives of celebrities on their front page and lead their broadcasts with gossip-pieces.
Rubbish. Not the Ash-Abhi marriage but these kharoos assholes who think they speak for the nation when they castigate the press for their coverage of the B family. Tell me dear madam or sir, do you want to have an analysis of why our great friend Iran wants to renegotiate an oil deal they committed to or do you want to know whether Rekha will be invited to the wedding or not?
As a matter of fact I will go further and say that the coverage has been too little. We need more—especially now that the news is officially official. For instance I would like Indiatimes to do a pictorial investigative as to whether Ash will wear a Tarun Tahialiani creation or a Aki Narula work-of-art or just get her bridal-wear from Trader’s Assembly, located at Gariahat crossing, South Calcutta, famous for its exclusive collection. Likewise will the sartorially-impeccable Abhishek plump for Abu Jani or patronize Abu-dada, the ancient tailor who works for the men’s fashion department at New Amrita Vastrayala, Calcutta’s largest supplier of school uniforms?
If the Rishi Kapoor-Neetu Singh wedding was the first time that Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan performed in India, the onus is on the Bachchans to upstage the Kapoors (remember that Abhishek had a failed relationship with Karishma presumably because she kept screeching “Tum bure ho” at Abhishek, as per her monologue in “Dil To Pagal Hain”) in uncovering an even bigger non-Indian subcontinental star. Times TV should look into the unconfirmed rumour that Bangladesh’s biggest anti-vampire rocker (name unknown), famous for his song “Oporichita, rokter nonta swad chai na” (Oh lady stranger, I do not want the salty taste of blood) [Watch it here] may be invited.
Sagarika Ghose of IBN has been writing some serious stuff recently—-both introspective as well as biologically informative.
Behold, a new baby! Pushing its way through tubes blocked by national apathy. Bumping against a diseased uterus overgrown with tumours from the colonial past. And breaking free of the umbilical cord of antiquated legalism. What is the name of the Indian baby born in 2006? The baby is named Citizen 2006. And she has come to new life this past year.
Which is why she would be the right person to do a piece on the effect of this engagement (and marriage) on the extensive lists of ex-paramours of Ash. No we do not care of Ranjeev Mulchandani, Ash’s original love —he is an insignificant has-been which is also the reason why he was dumped.
I am talking about Salman Khan. Will he take this news in the right spirit or will there will be blood on the pavements and/or in the jungles over the weekends? It is true that he shares a beautiful relationship with Azharuddin (Azhar is married to ex-Salman flame/punching-bag “we do it with Lakhani” Sangeeta Bijlani ) but the ill-will surrounding the Sangeeta-Salman split was nothing compared to the ugliness that accompanied the Ash-Salman breakup. With this being the background, will Salman be able to “cut the umbilical chord” of memories or will he go mad “bumping against a diseased uterus overgrown with tumours from the past”? [Some preliminary reporting here]
Among the other things that we are dying to know is where will Ash and Abhishek go for their honeymoon? Will it be Switzerland or Monaco or Tahiti or the Niagara Falls ? Well they have been there already many times before. Perhaps they will go somewhere different, somewhere off-the-beaten-track. Maybe they will choose the appositely-named “Hotel Bliss” located near Jadavpur that provides a conjugal experience to remember — the smirking clerk, the oily “Kobiraji cutlets”, the much-used bed and the sounds of bliss emanating through the walls. Just the kind of environment in which India TV works the best. Which is why they should follow up on this story and tell us which place the newly wed has chosen to “officially” consummate their marriage.
NDTV’s Barkha Dutt should study the politico-social angle….for instance will the head of the “baraat” be Subroto Roy, supremo of the Sahara group of companies and a close B-family confidante? Or will it be father figure, Amar Singh? Is the “Yash Bharati”, UP’s highest state honour conferred upon Abhishek Bachchan , a bachelor party present from the Uttar Pradesh government to Abhishek or is it given to anyone who acts in a Yash Chopra movie and whose dad “supports” the Samajwadi Party? Will anyone from the Kapoor family be invited? Will an invitation be sent out to friend-turned-foe Sonia Gandhi? Will Shahrukh Khan, with whom the big B has had a falling out (the news of which has made it to The Colbert Report) attend? If he does will he wear a JJ Vallaya or Monisha Jaising? Will Ash-rival Sushmita be invited? Will she be able to carry her implants in or will she have to leave them at the door because of security precautions? Will eunuchs from different parts of India show up to extort the marriage party, ironically singing “Jo hain naam wala wohi to badnaam hain” from Big B’s “Lawaaris” ?
The news-worthy topics are indeed endless.
As to webportals I think they have made a very good start. Within hours of the announcement of the engagement, Rediff was already soliciting advice from its readers as to What Should Abhiwarya do? and as usual pearls of wisdom such as “My sincere advice to both of you are to play a second fiddle and be quiet as usual and when you get married please dont make overstate about your adventures or achievements and lead a very quiet family life for atleast 6 months” have started pouring in. Suffice to say that Ash will be pouring over these gems with the same missionary zeal with which she is serving the starving children of the world.
And most importantly and I cannot overemphasize how important this is, Howitzer Prize winning Indiadaily’s unstoppable reporters Pam Bhandari and Lara Larani, who are known for their accurate and prompt reporting, should bring us daily updates on what’s going on behind the scenes —especially if people are covering themselves in egg yolk.
So dear media, please keep the news coming. We want every juicy titbit and every detail of every sideshow of this national wedding delivered during prime-time and repeated at late night.
And kindly disregard those perennial cribbers, the old-men-on-park-benches, who rant about misplaced journalistic priorities.
[Sagarika Ghose link courtesy Confused]