Ash-Shek

64 Comments

Unless you spend all your time reading books or watching the mating lives of walruses on the Animal Planet (as opposed to those of beautiful people), you surely must know that the “will they won’t they” Aishwarya-Abhishek relationship recently became “Yes they will” much to the joy of a whole nation. Rarely since Rama vanquished Ravana has there been such celebration in the world of monkeys.

Taking into account the public mood and the desire for every bit of information about this beautiful couple, the media frenzy has been relentless —whether it be the Bachchan family taking Ash to the temple to get God to make an exception for the badluck he traditionally heaps on the husbands of Mangaliks (Ash is a Mangalik) or the effect Hrittik’s liplock with Ms. Rai in Dhoom II will have on Abhishek. So much has been the media obsession that some people have wondered aloud whether the press has nothing better to do than cover the personal lives of celebrities on their front page and lead their broadcasts with gossip-pieces.

Rubbish. Not the Ash-Abhi marriage but these kharoos assholes who think they speak for the nation when they castigate the press for their coverage of the B family. Tell me dear madam or sir, do you want to have an analysis of why our great friend Iran wants to renegotiate an oil deal they committed to or do you want to know whether Rekha will be invited to the wedding or not?

As a matter of fact I will go further and say that the coverage has been too little. We need more—especially now that the news is officially official. For instance I would like Indiatimes to do a pictorial investigative as to whether Ash will wear a Tarun Tahialiani creation or a Aki Narula work-of-art or just get her bridal-wear from Trader’s Assembly, located at Gariahat crossing, South Calcutta, famous for its exclusive collection. Likewise will the sartorially-impeccable Abhishek plump for Abu Jani or patronize Abu-dada, the ancient tailor who works for the men’s fashion department at New Amrita Vastrayala, Calcutta’s largest supplier of school uniforms?

If the Rishi Kapoor-Neetu Singh wedding was the first time that Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan performed in India, the onus is on the Bachchans to upstage the Kapoors (remember that Abhishek had a failed relationship with Karishma presumably because she kept screeching “Tum bure ho” at Abhishek, as per her monologue in “Dil To Pagal Hain”) in uncovering an even bigger non-Indian subcontinental star. Times TV should look into the unconfirmed rumour that Bangladesh’s biggest anti-vampire rocker (name unknown), famous for his song “Oporichita, rokter nonta swad chai na” (Oh lady stranger, I do not want the salty taste of blood) [Watch it here] may be invited.

Sagarika Ghose of IBN has been writing some serious stuff recently—-both introspective as well as biologically informative.

From here:

Behold, a new baby! Pushing its way through tubes blocked by national apathy. Bumping against a diseased uterus overgrown with tumours from the colonial past. And breaking free of the umbilical cord of antiquated legalism. What is the name of the Indian baby born in 2006? The baby is named Citizen 2006. And she has come to new life this past year.

Which is why she would be the right person to do a piece on the effect of this engagement (and marriage) on the extensive lists of ex-paramours of Ash. No we do not care of Ranjeev Mulchandani, Ash’s original love —he is an insignificant has-been which is also the reason why he was dumped.

I am talking about Salman Khan. Will he take this news in the right spirit or will there will be blood on the pavements and/or in the jungles over the weekends? It is true that he shares a beautiful relationship with Azharuddin (Azhar is married to ex-Salman flame/punching-bag “we do it with Lakhani” Sangeeta Bijlani ) but the ill-will surrounding the Sangeeta-Salman split was nothing compared to the ugliness that accompanied the Ash-Salman breakup. With this being the background, will Salman be able to “cut the umbilical chord” of memories or will he go mad “bumping against a diseased uterus overgrown with tumours from the past”? [Some preliminary reporting here]

Among the other things that we are dying to know is where will Ash and Abhishek go for their honeymoon? Will it be Switzerland or Monaco or Tahiti or the Niagara Falls ? Well they have been there already many times before. Perhaps they will go somewhere different, somewhere off-the-beaten-track. Maybe they will choose the appositely-named “Hotel Bliss” located near Jadavpur that provides a conjugal experience to remember — the smirking clerk, the oily “Kobiraji cutlets”, the much-used bed and the sounds of bliss emanating through the walls. Just the kind of environment in which India TV works the best. Which is why they should follow up on this story and tell us which place the newly wed has chosen to “officially” consummate their marriage.

NDTV’s Barkha Dutt should study the politico-social angle….for instance will the head of the “baraat” be Subroto Roy, supremo of the Sahara group of companies and a close B-family confidante? Or will it be father figure, Amar Singh? Is the “Yash Bharati”, UP’s highest state honour conferred upon Abhishek Bachchan , a bachelor party present from the Uttar Pradesh government to Abhishek or is it given to anyone who acts in a Yash Chopra movie and whose dad “supports” the Samajwadi Party? Will anyone from the Kapoor family be invited? Will an invitation be sent out to friend-turned-foe Sonia Gandhi? Will Shahrukh Khan, with whom the big B has had a falling out (the news of which has made it to The Colbert Report) attend? If he does will he wear a JJ Vallaya or Monisha Jaising? Will Ash-rival Sushmita be invited? Will she be able to carry her implants in or will she have to leave them at the door because of security precautions? Will eunuchs from different parts of India show up to extort the marriage party, ironically singing “Jo hain naam wala wohi to badnaam hain” from Big B’s “Lawaaris” ?

The news-worthy topics are indeed endless.

As to webportals I think they have made a very good start. Within hours of the announcement of the engagement, Rediff was already soliciting advice from its readers as to What Should Abhiwarya do? and as usual pearls of wisdom such as “My sincere advice to both of you are to play a second fiddle and be quiet as usual and when you get married please dont make overstate about your adventures or achievements and lead a very quiet family life for atleast 6 months” have started pouring in. Suffice to say that Ash will be pouring over these gems with the same missionary zeal with which she is serving the starving children of the world.

And most importantly and I cannot overemphasize how important this is, Howitzer Prize winning Indiadaily’s unstoppable reporters Pam Bhandari and Lara Larani, who are known for their accurate and prompt reporting, should bring us daily updates on what’s going on behind the scenes —especially if people are covering themselves in egg yolk.

So dear media, please keep the news coming. We want every juicy titbit and every detail of every sideshow of this national wedding delivered during prime-time and repeated at late night.

And kindly disregard those perennial cribbers, the old-men-on-park-benches, who rant about misplaced journalistic priorities.

[Sagarika Ghose link courtesy Confused]

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64 thoughts on “Ash-Shek

  1. this one kills: “Bangladesh’s biggest anti-vampire rocker…”!!

    Man!! From where do u get these!! Ohh…i just cant hold myself together! :-))

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  3. With the media going ga-ga over this issue, i wonder if there will be a live coverage of the wedding and any highlights of the occassion thereafter….

  4. Since macacas are involved, fecal matter will be hitting the oscillating unit.

    Bong, you are too broad in your details. I wish to know the exact weight of Ash’s wedding dress, jewelery included, and the numbers of precious stones attached to it like barnacles.

  5. Ash-Shek – I had thought of this title looong ago.. Shit! should have blogged about it earlier and done some copyright activity or something. 😦

    I wonder if we get to see the Kuch Kuch Hota Hai wedding scene where Abhishek and Ash are about to do the pheras and then Salman appears from nowhere and Abhishek gently hands Sallus ‘amanat’ back to him a’ la MPKDH. Next we would see Abhishek watching the true couple getting married with a smile on his face and tears in his eyes. He would turn to his side and see Katrina Kaif standing there and then they both smile to each other knowingly (like Akshay and Karishma in Dil To Pahal Hai) giving us a hint of what lies in the future.
    Would be good fun.

  6. I danced around in my boxers because of this URGENT NEWS. at first i thought amitab was dead and i was going to slit my wrist and or drink wine till i escaped all of life’s troubles but then i found out that that ash and abhi were getting married and i did some banghra and my sister took out her dholak and we just spent the entire night celebrating. we partied like it was 99.

    while youre you tubing every possible thing(bengali vampire rockers)

    youtube search sarah silverman – german cars.
    its not for those who are easily offended. or those who are jewish.

  7. “same missionary zeal with which she is serving the starving children of the world.”

    That rocks!! Wonder why all miss worlds want to do “social service”. Its becoming repetitive.

  8. In Bengali:

    ============

    Oporichita
    Rokter nonta shad chai na

    {chorus starts}
    Ami onno karor hote chai na
    Ghorir katar moton tik tik kore somoy jokhon
    Samner dike egie chole serokom
    Oporichita
    {chorus ends}

    [Repeat above]
    Morte jete pari na keno tomake bhule
    Kokhono chole jeo na eka fele
    Morte jete pari na keno tomake bhule
    Kokhono chole jeo na eka fele

    [chorus]
    Beche achi tomake niye
    bhalo je bese
    hariye jete debo na oboshese
    [chorus]

    ”””’In English
    ==========

    Heyyy Stranger girl
    Dont wanna taste your salty blood

    {chorus starts}
    Dont wanna be in nobody else’s hands
    Just like the fuckin’ clock’s tickin’ second hand
    Moves time on like slippery sand
    Heyyy Stranger girl
    {chorus ends}

    [Repeat above]

    Why the hell cant I die just fuckin’ forgetting you?
    Dont ditch me o’ girl you
    Why the hell cant I die just fuckin’ forgetting you?
    Dont ditch me o’ girl you
    [chorus]

    The reason is I am alive
    is my love for you
    So I just cant fuckin’ afford to lose you.

    [chorus]

    …………..

    ROFL. ROFL. This is crazy wild shit man. All hail Ozzy 2.

  9. I think we need to get a fix on the name. It’s very important (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Is it Ash-Shek or Abhiwarya as Rediff.com insists? Remember TomKat and Brangelina? The name matters no matter what Shakespeare said! And I think Guru sucks. Which is why this announcement at this time. So the movie will do well. How sad.

  10. Hats off ! Great Bong.
    I am an avid reader of your blogs and the things which I admire and am also envious of are the inimitable
    adjectives you constantly use in your blogs.
    Thanks for helping us grow our vocab.

  11. Despite being lucky to be at live concerts of Judas Priest, Metallica, Aerosmith,Deep Puple, Def Leppard, Motley Crue and SOAD, one of my lingering regrets was to have never attended an OZZfest. But the arrival of this new Bangladeshi Ozzy, who surely will perform at future editions :), that regret is now gone.

    But I dont think hes anti- vampire. Although its hard to fathom what that guy’s meaning, I think what he means that he lives on for his love for her and hence assures that he wont go for her salty blood. There is a bit of history here actually. Ozzy acually ate a bat on stage once, so its expected for newer ozzy’s to show a penchant for blood. He begun brilliantly and then of mellowed down. :)….

    Possible influence : That fabulous song-

    🙂

    GB, is there any way you can embed Youtube videos within your post?

  12. “Rarely since Rama vanquished Ravana has there been such celebration in the world of monkeys.”

    Priceless.

    GB. I hereby declare you India’s answer to the Jon Stewart, Jay Leno and the Conan O’Briens of the world.

  13. Dear Media,

    We also want to know whether Greatbong is invited in this wedding & the following honeymoon so that we can read all of it in his blogs.

    Crazy-Kiya-Re Monkey

  14. “Maybe they will choose the appositely-named “Hotel Bliss” located near Jadavpur that provides a conjugal experience to remember”

    Hotel Bliss is situated between Gariahat and Ballygunge Station,with typists sitting below the portico.
    And I have been there for the cutlets and moghlais,not “sandwiches” or other delights.

  15. News ticker in every news channel will be displaying SMS from viewers:
    Bani rahey jodi, Abhishek chadhey ghodi- pappu guddu( Chhapra).
    Aishwarya tum doodho nahao pooto falo – Sunita , Puttilal(Saharanpur) .
    🙂 I like these type of messages…

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  17. “do you want to know whether Rekha will be invited to the wedding or not?”

    ofcourse, this is so much more important than Iran’s oil deal:):):)…real funny post…loved it:)

  18. Yourfan writes:
    @GB:It is a fantastically hilarious post. But how come I can’t express myself differently other than what I just wrote whereas you keep on writing so many hilarious posts one after another? – same questions I ask you over and over again. Sorry for being repetitive but that is your fault

  19. @Debopam: 🙂

    @Vajra: Not a she. It’s a he. I know the voice is rather confusing.

    @Aditya: Smuggled-in phonecams ?

    @AnangBhai: TOI has already started obliging with its report on Ash’s 2 lacs worth lehenga.

    @Daneel: Abash ? Salman takes care of all the bashing thank you.

    @Lalbadshah: Too late ! Yes that’s a nice filmi situation….the ghosts shall be those of the pavement dweller and the black buck wondering in the background…..

    @Ali: 🙂

    @Sriram: I have elaborated on such hypocrisy in an old post of mine titled “Your Job Interview is a Beauty Pageant”

    @Bengali Boy: Black Sabbath becomes Black DalBhaath.

    @Rohit: Welcome.

    @RahulGhosh: 🙂

    @Anonymous: No do google again. His name is not Ayub Bachchu (who is quite famous) His name is (I just found out) is Hasan.

    @An Ideal Boy: And a bow back.

    @Asterix: Invited to the honeymoon ! Ahem it takes a while in a marriage before the kinky stuff comes out.

    @Joy Forever: Which one? The Sush one? or the Ramdev one?

    @RK: Viviek Oberoi? That does not count as a tally for Ash because it was all one-sided anyway.

    @Sourya: While aware of the Ballygunj station institution, I meant one in Jadavpur/Santoshpur that used to advertise itself on the “bulleting boards” near 8B stand xerox stores. I have heard of its charms from one particular patron but have not had opportunity to sample it myself.

    @KG: “Aishwarya tum doodho nahao”–mm…what does the doodho mean?

    @Dee: Indeed.

    @Yourfan: And since I am a sucker for compliments, I dont mind hearing it again and again. 🙂

  20. Greatbong, how do WE know that it would take quite a while AFTER the marriage? Let us not be judgemental. Let the media bring it befor the people & let the Aam-Junta decide about the honeymoon.

    Hope you are there to ‘capture’ the moment 😀

    Q. Rai ka pahad kaise banate hain?
    A. Ask Abhi-shake on his honeymoon.

  21. @GB…

    tsk tsk… you of all people should not have ignored the fact that this whole engagement has been timed to deliver a death punch to a certain King Khan… with the whole nation now focussed solely on Ash-Shek’s journey from engagement to marriage (my apologies to Sooraj Barjatya)… the question now is Kaun Dekhega Crorepati…

  22. and they should ask us to send our precious three ruppees to 7575 to know how ash & abhi will do IT on their wedding night!
    A: Doggy
    B: Missionary
    C: she-top
    D: No Sex

    ..followed by expert comments from that short, fat and bald joker singh suggesting how his son like Abhi should do it with his bahu-rani!

  23. LOL. A laugh riot ! Another angle: was that package loaded with Euros from an anonymous well-wisher for Ash a bachelorette-gift for her or something more sinister?

  24. Oh yes. That song has mindfucked me. It keeps playing in my head no matter how much I try to concentrate elsewhere. The man-woman is a genius I tell you. What lyrics. What expression.

  25. now this is what The Times Of India has to say about who should be wearing what on the wedding day:

    “As per custom, Aishwarya should wear a red or maroon Kancheevaram saree, jasmine-studded plait, a ‘patti’ around the waist, ‘vanki’ on the arm, green and red bangles, a ‘mundole’ on her forehead, a bunch of pearls at her upper ear and a seven-diamond stud in her ears. The groom wears a ‘kache-panche’ (traditional dhoti) and a white shirt, though modern Bunts even wear ‘sherwanis’.”
    [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/NEWS/India/Abhishek_could_be_a_ghar_jamai/articleshow/1231698.cms]

    and did i miss the Ghar Jamai stuff!???
    🙂

  26. The Colbert video was too funny! Even better than Stephen Colbert vs. Deepak Chopra… GB, I advise you to watch that. And also the Jon Stewart-Borat interview… that’s the only one I find funnier.

    Seriously, Ak-Shek seems to dominate the airwaves… (Vuttaa’s suggestion is a good one)… but I think SRK vs. “Bakchan” is just as funny.

  27. Bachchans should sell the “live wedding telecast rights” to the highest bidder…and satiate the nation’s obsession…that will make everyone happy..

  28. the bangla “rock” concert totally rocked. Such style, such a voice! And such a fantastic audience involvement. That guy is totally living his dream.

  29. shadhu, shadhu !!

    I am surprised though that you made no mention of Viveik Anand Oberoi!

    With AB Jr taking up a role as a Chelsea fan, my favourite cricket writer Mr Bal may also do a piece on how that may impact cricket following …

  30. yes, its becoming a trend. Gossip everywhere.prince’s willam’s girlfriend’s fashion statement to Monica lewinsky’s degree from london school of economics.
    gossip is synonymous with media. horrible.

    ash is the most beautiful woman in the world. true. but why do i feel most sorry for Abhishek?
    I like her as an actress. she is the best female dancer around. but something about her when she laughs/giggles gives her away.
    beautiful people are not always beautiful.

  31. @GB
    Doodho means milk
    Its a blessing in hindi generally for newly wed girl/woman:
    Bath with milk and have children.

    btw I am your big fan after I read mithunism nearly one year ago 🙂 Keep writing..

  32. I am not sure if this has already been covered by any press, but I am eagerly waiting for a pannel to discuss which periods will be critical during their married life and how should they act during those times. The panel will consist of one astrologer and/or tarot card reader, psychiatrist and/or a marriage counsellor accompnaied by a journo who has vast experience in capturing details of the marriages of celebrities and their married life. I think the TRP rating of the news channel telecasting this discussion will beat the records of kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi during its peak time…

  33. I am expecting the wedding reception menu to be the main story on DNA Afterhours or Bombay Times the next day. Then enterprising restaurants will have a special “Ash- Abhi wedding special” imitating the menu. Someone’s gonna leak some wedding footage on Youtube and Amar Singh will get youtube blocked in UP.
    I don’t have to tell you how super the post is- damn cool. I appreciate your determination and devotion to go find that particular picture of salman. lol

  34. Man,

    The Bangla Rock video clip – “Oporichita” is just “awesome”. GreatBong, I bow before your search capabilities to share these examples of great art with the readers of your blog.

    Muchos gracias!

    Regards,

  35. It seems subtle sarcasm is natural to you! Another great post GB! But, sadly it comes at the cost of an increasingly cheesy & sensationalist media …. as you rightly pointed out -the media gives more importance to affairs of the nation than the affairs of private individuals!

    This post for all its sarcasm & puns made me thoughtful & sad that the Indian Media, which had just taken off onto the International stage in terms of content/packaging etc is degenerating into just another medium of voyeuristic & mushy entertainment.

    I think that this can be partly attributed to the sheer number of News channels this country has! Surely, nobody watches that many channels! Thats why, these channels take a dip into the voyeuristic ganges in order to survive & churn profits.

    But for all the fallacies GB, it has to be noted, that as per a recent international study undertaken, the Indian Media was put above the American Media in terms of freedom of press. Ofcourse, that I dont find it much of a surprise under Dubya’s rule is another matter.

    Eager to hear your thoughts in this regard!

  36. I know Iam on the other side of the fence but I really wished Ash would have shown her middle finger to both the Bachchans. I was really surprised at the way she was being treated by the Bachchans, branding her a Mangalik ( whatever that bullshit means) and then dragging her from temple to temple to be considered as a bahu of the Bachchan family.. I was surprised how a very successful woman of India ( Iam not arguing how good looking she is or how talented she really is but none the less she is successful) was brought down on her knees just to make her realize that her fame , money means nothing, all it means is that she is a woman and has to be treated like one. The whole country just saw this drama unfold without any criticism and savoured every bit of it.
    I really wished that she would have behaved like a true representative of todays women and not succumbed herself to this horrendous injustice. Really , think about it , if such a harassment can be done to such a famous person (at least she is much better then the junior, look wise , fame wise, I guess in every respect) , what about the ordinary girls of our country.

    And the Bachchans, if she is such a bad omen for their son, why did not they leave her alone ( Oh , don’t tell me their son is deeply in love and must marry her and have it in no other way). I guess they cannot really let her go is because she does come with a big fat cheque afterall.

    I really do hate the Bachchans (not so much the junior) because they are always on the news for every wrong reason, either tax evading, or sucking money from every place or even harassing Ash politely under the veil of piety.

    Thanks GB for bringing up wide range of topics and entertaining so many of us on regular basis.

  37. “as you rightly pointed out -the media gives more importance to affairs of the nation than the affairs of private individuals!” …. in my very own words

    …. of course what I intended to mean is the exact opposite:
    “as you rightly pointed out -the media gives more importance to the affairs of private individuals than the affairs of the nation!”

    oops! some typo that is!

  38. Great Bong,
    Its not possible to please you ever. All you do is make fun of other people. Look at the effort the Ozzy2 put in. Did you see those beautiful stars on the stage. Did you see the lice filled hair, which was itching all through the performance. And all you could do was make fun of HER?

    And please dont bring in the Colbert Report, they are just a way of the west to belittle us. I mean isnt Mohabbatein the best hindi movie ever. Did you know that the movie Dead Poet’s Society was copied from it. Robin Williams was no match for the dynamic duo, and hence this “grapes is sour” show. Also they somehow released the movie before our movie.

    And did you know that there was going to be dharna very soon in front of CAB, because this “affair” is nothing else but an attempt to get our Dada out of the headlines.

  39. @Suzi..: I guess wen Abhi Jr patronized his marryin a Manglik in Lage raho Munnabhai,he could have done the same in real life too w/o causing so much agony to teh lady in question.

    @ GB :am a recent reader of urs..Must say..this post like the previous 1s has been thoroughly entertaining.

  40. excellent post!
    But, come on! can’t you just leave Ms. Sen’s implants alone for once? 🙂
    btw, I have had the misfortune of knowing one of the owners of Hotel Bliss 🙂

  41. Should ASH be conferred Jash Bharati now?

    A necessary and sufficient requirement would be to check whether she has slept with Abhi.That would make (made )her a Bacchan in the truest and deepest sense.Mulayam need not wait for the marriage formality.

  42. To ensure international coverage of the great event, only media people will be invited at the Abhiwarya wedding. Nobody from the film industry will be invited. Lots of expensive cars will be given in Dahej, attracting income tax notices after which Amar Singh will reveal that all thos cars belong to him:)

  43. @ Suzi it was, you see, a marriage of conveniences, along with, as GB points out, one of the biggest endorsement mergers of all times since..well..since eternity. A trip to a few temples would hardly have been worth the protest probably.
    Or you never know, all of us might be cynics. They could both be madly in love.

    Btw, The Telegraph dubbed them as the SHEK-ASH. Wonder whether puns were intended.

  44. @ad libber
    After reading your comment I felt may be I am too judgemental but than the images of the French Open with a green tie and a pink tie Bachchan duo flashed my mind. Nah! There was no love in the junior’s eyes it was more like the pain they were enduring to have a L’Oréal bahu in the house. Big fat checks do come with some pain afterall! OMG, I am really being cynical, I am ignoring the other lovely picture where Shek was gripping Ash’s arm and walking away happily somewhere.

  45. lolz…just read a recent news where some brand aishwarya endorses gave her a visiting card studded with diamonds. Costs near about a crore. Suddenly, the marriage seems extremely worthwhile. She calls herself mrs. aishwarya abhishek bachchan now. Bit of a mouthful though. Do i prefer the giggly aish to this mushy avatar? I wonder.

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