The Day of the Nasal

December 13, 2001.

Indian democracy was assaulted by Jihadi cowards.

July 26, 2007.

The Indian way of life itself came under attack, with catastrophe being barely avoided through some judicious phone-tapping.

Himesh Reshammiya, the Voice of the Nation and the Janooo of the masses narrowly survived an assassination attempt by Ejaz Lakdawala’s gang, thus proving again, the age-old adage: “If God loves you, no-one can kill you or make your movie, no matter how crappy it is, a flop”.

Some of the facts about this conspiracy are very sketchy. A few sources say that Ejaz Lakdawala became pissed after Himesh had refused to dignify the mighty don with a call back after the don had called him to ask for some spare change. Enraged, Ejaz put a posting on the “supari”vine asking for a killer with not only proficiency in the handling of a gun but also extreme musical talent. Why? Because the plan was to get the assassin as a contestant on Sa Re Gama where he would Shakalaka Boom Boom the judge Himesh on the sets itself in true filmi style. However like most job seekers, the candidate selected as the melodious murderer had embellished his resume—-while his shooting skills may have been adequate, he could not sing for his life. As a result, he could not get past even the preliminaries thus putting an end to possibly the most optimistic murder plan I have heard in a long time.

Another story doing the rounds was that the contestant was a mafia mole who was being fixed to win the contest so that the don could infiltrate the entertainment world—in true “Departed” style. But Himesh, refused to play ball and hence this act of revenge.

Unconfirmed sources also claim that the assassins (one of whom had the last name Radiowala) were simply lovers of music and movie critics for whom the recent announcement of Aap Ka Surroor sequels and Himesh’s assertion that there is no role he cannot play were the proverbial last straws on the camel’s back.

As an aside, for those who thought that the “talent show” genre on Indian TV could not get any murkier after the Bhappi Lahiri-Abhijeet showdown (for those not in the loop: Abhijeet accused our desi photocopier Bhappi-da of being shameless [besharam] and Bhappi-Da sued Abhijeet for defamation asking him to prove his assertion, in the process ironically proving the accusation of shamelessness himself) this attempted murder on the sets will surely serve as an eye-opener.

Media watchers say that the winner in all this is of course, to no one’s surprise, Himesh. Not only has he proven his indestructibility to all but has also extended the “Aap Ka Surroor” myth into the real world. With this incident, his image will become that of an uncompromising superman prepared to risk his life to uphold his musical “zameer” (conscience) — which coincidentally serves as a suitably apposite plot kernel for the upcoming sequel to the Moviee.

As for me and many other Himesh fans, we are spending “sleepless nights” like our PM-ji just thinking about the tragedy that was averted.

[Thanks to Nishit Desai for informing me of this and the illuminating discussion on Gtalk]

42 thoughts on “The Day of the Nasal

  1. parts of this is eerily similar to the movie plot of American Dreamz, plot summary here

  2. Himesh is becoming our reply to the Hiltons and the Lohans!

    Soon, we’ll see Himesh with Z security! That will be a treat!

    At least someone will be able to see his head from the back!

  3. Himesh Reshammiya is becoming one of those phenomenon which can’t be explained by normal scientific, finance, marketing, rational formulas, but then again..

    “When there is faith, there is no proof.”

    Thanks for the hat-tip. 🙂

  4. For those of you pessimists, this is a clear sign that India and Pakistan have become very good friends. Seems Pakistan has vowed to help solve India’s problems one by one on merit basis. Hope these terrorists cum music lovers won’t get disheartened and give up. God please give strength to them.

  5. December 13, 2001.

    Indian democracy was assaulted by Jihadi cowards.

    Thats the myth spread by shameless Hindutva goons and BJP. We all know how Afzal and Geelani were accused in the case by the police. I have written a book on that.

  6. Why kill him? Just surgically remove that nose in a way that no reconstruction is possible. That should be able to cure the world!!!! Or may be just sent Harry Potter and do an ‘Accio Nose’

  7. Maybe it was Anu Malik taking revenge for the Humko Deewana Kar Gaye controversy! (Did I hear Barkha Dutt mumbling about minorities?)

  8. @Kishor – Vintage form .. dude !

    @mandeep – If you remove the nose, wouldn’t he start looking like Voldemort then ?

  9. I wouldn’t put it past Asha Bhonsle. I heard she was pissed about the Mehbooba remix. She was on the show but her gun skills would have put the rest of the judges in danger.

    Now my last name is Havewala – this means I won’t ever be allowed near the sets of Sa Re Ga Ma Pa. Unfortunate.

  10. @ Kishore : Thats funny dude..

    @GB : Well said .. he must have killed him on the auditions stage.

    God Bless India


  11. @ Kishore: I know it was meant as a joke but why exactly do you think Pakistan is involved? Oh right, a don=terrorist=pakistani. Ignorance is not bliss.

  12. Dear Manish, according to police information, the revolvers and bullets were manufactured in Pakistan. Please check out the details.

  13. You know what is the next item on AXN’s “Who Dares Wins” ?. Watching Aaaap Kaaa Surrroorrr 3 times in a single day.

  14. My sister asked me “Who on earth would want to kill Himesh?!”

    I replied…

    “Half the country?”

  15. Arundhati Roy has completely lost it! LOL!

    She’s now commenting on Arnab’s blog as herself! ROTFL!

    Or is she?




    WE CAN DIE FOR HIMESH!!!!!!!!!!!!











  17. Eminent Historian Romila Thapar July 28, 2007 — 3:38 am

    Modi is responsible for all this.

    If he hadn’t killed the Muslims in Gujarat,

    Ejaz would not want to kill a hindu.
    Its the hindoos fault.

    We are hindus. We are peaceful. We re country of non-viollence. we should not respond them with violence. We should relase them for the sake of human rights.

    As a total aside, this is to Arundhati,
    Did u receive you monthly payment from Aabpara? I received mine from Beijing but not the one from ISM.

    Maybe its been intercepted by those Hindu-Fascists. Darn them Hindoo Fascists!

    BTW my dear you looked amazing in Shobha’s party last night!!!
    I didnt know u were into dirty dancing.

    See you tonight at Mina’s party tonight.


  18. looks like Arundathi Roy, Romila Thapar, Barkha Dutt are taking a lot of flak all over the blogosphere… well, we do need people with all hues of opinions. Like everyone else, they have a specific agenda which causes them to see everything through coloured glasses and ignore things that are there in their blindspots. But we can say that about just about everyone. Why single the “left-liberals” them out ? Let’s have a diversity of opinions. I think they are getting disproportionate amount of flak in the blogosphere.

  19. Divya:
    I dont think any of the eminent people you named are “left-liberal”.
    Arundhati and Barkha are very intelligent and empowered women, and branding anybody by labels doesnt help. It is much better to analize on the basis of issues.

    But Romila Thapar, with whom I had the opportunity to interact, albeit for a very short time, is just plain opportunist. and dishonest. Why else, do u think, a “historian” of her stature would refuse to use Sanskrit source material, and instead use “translations” by Europeans as her basis of presenting Indian history.

  20. Eminent Historian Romila Thapar July 28, 2007 — 6:47 am

    @ Divya,

    On behalf of our friends at the bleeding hearts association, i would like to thank you for supporting me against this onslaught in “Indian” (what is India anyways, eh? Its nothing but a loose confederacy of diverse states which have no singular identity of their own) blogosphere by Bajrang Dal / RSS terrorists.

    Gosh! These Right wing nut-jobs are so dumb, that they cant even see through tactic No.3 as described in our secret-commie-“how-to-argue-with-a-right-wing-fascist”-manual (China Edition, post Godhara) which states, “Thou shalt lure the rightie bigot into a false sense of “sab-ek-jaise-hain..koi-ek-group-ka-dosh-nahin” by generous use of phrases like,

    1. “we do need people with all hues of opinions”
    2. “Like everyone else”
    3. “But we can say that about just about everyone”
    4. “Let’s have a diversity of opinions”
    5. “they are getting disproportionate amount of flak”

    Based upon our extensive research here at JNU, my fellow eminences have found out that this tactic no. 3 (also called all-are-equal and fair principle) works best on those who are truly secular.

    To them, it sounds like first rule of progressive secularism. Whilst under its disguise we can propagate any lies we want. Any half baked truth. OTOH, If right wing nutjobs
    oppose the idea of these seemingly innocent phrases, their bigotry shall be exposed. While we will look so credible in the eyes of a truly secular at heart.

    Let me give you an example to make it more clear.

    When the Supreme court labeled modi as “modern day nero”, we hailed it and shouted it out from our TOIlet and dupatta express. When the same supreme court gave a death sentence to our colleague Mohd Afzal we employed the most excellent rule no. 3. We used phrases from “unfair treatment”, “bechaare bachhe”, “vague evidence” to my personal favorite, “Kashmir will burn”.

    HOLY SHIT I just realized that i revealed a top secret tactic of fellow eminent intellectuals. Darn this coke (and I mean “the real stuff” which was sent to me by my good friend Martha Nussbaum at UofC and not that kiddie stuff in red cans)!!!

    @ rishi khujur

    you sir are clearly a bigot. you hate muslims. u are nero. u are against diversity.

    Let me go ahead and do some pshycho-analysis to explain what it is that makes those RSS nazis so pathetic.

    1.) Indian men have small penis. (source BBC).
    2.) Most indian men are hindoos.
    3.) hence all hindoo men have small penis.
    4.) hence they suffer from inferiority complex.
    5.) plus hindu men have been conquered by any tom-dick-and-harry who chose to conquer them.
    6.) so they take out their frustration on fellow secular citizens like Muslims, Christians,
    and Communists.

    OK now I have spent too much time on this Rightie bong’s website.

    Lemme go to my favorite for my daily dose of “caste-problems in hinduism”, “india is progressing but there is lots of inequality”, “indian army are rapists and war-criminals”, “despicable state of widows in vrindavan”, and my personal favorite, “killing of females and dowry in hindu society”.

    Signing off in all my eminence,
    Romila “main-bhi-madonna” Thapar

  21. Plan to kill Himesh …. hmm – seems a sensible idea (just kiddin) …. nyways, its just been foiled …. I dont know whether I should laugh or mourn …. the police/intelligence authorities have so much else to foil – terrorist plans to blow up temples/buses, communal violence, etc etc …. yet they have chosen to foil the one plan that could have brought an end to noise pollution – especially of the nasal, tasteless variety!

    I am sure Himesh will in his next movie (Aap Ka Guroor) involve this assassination attempt on him in a sensational & melodramatic plot that seeks to portray him being wronged & yet emerge victorious …. from the frying pan into the fire.

    Now, onto another matter – I notice a trend since the last coupla posts for commentators to indulge in Arundhati/Barkha bashing …. I completely concur with Divya that everyone has entitled to an opinion & that each one of us is inherently prejudiced in some way or another …. if one disagrees with someone’s viewpoints & feels they are overtly exaggerated/untrue/biased, then one is free to express dissent tastefully …. but people must refrain from indulging in personalized attacks against the said persons (be it Arundhati or PM or Himesh for that matter) and not choose to cheaply dissent by masquearding to be Arundhati/Barkha, etc (I suspect that to be the case here)

  22. As an apt punishment, I hope this Ghazawat gang is sentenced by the courts to watch “Aap Ka Suroor” 5 times a day, EVERY DAY, for the rest of their lives. That should teach them a lesson !!!

    There is a lesson in this for Reshammiya as well. Wearing a Burkha and grovelling before the bones of a dead Islamic missionary in Ajmer ain’t enough to curry favor with the “believers”. 😉

  23. Hey guys, are you reading India Uncut and Prem Panicker’s blogs ? They are performing “I scratch your back and you scratch my back” act to perfection. Very funny indeed.

  24. @ Eminent “Historian” Romila Thapar

    Romila-ji. I am also for diversity of opinion. That is the sole reason why I take up the cudgel againt threats to diversity.

    Let us not put Communism in the same basket as Islam, eventhough we may dislike it equally.
    They are very different from each other and while one (Communism) has a process of logical reasoning (which has been often applied horribly wrong), built into its ideological discourse, it is exactly the opposite with Islam.

    Nazism is the only ideology that comes close to Islam’s thought process. Both thrive on the basic idea of Leibensraum.

  25. @ Eminent “Historian” Romila Thapar

    and btw, I do not hate Muslims. I hate Islam.

    Muslims (or thei forefathers) are as much victims of Islam and the Hindus and the rest of humanity are.

  26. Hey Romilla. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself. Posting on a Hindu Fascist site ? How could you stoop to the level of a man who abandoned our India(the idea of which is still unclear to us)and our equally world famous universities (JNU/AMU)to pursue his doctorate abroad?

    We must maintain our holier-than-thou attitude and maintain equidistance(!!???!!) from such people.

    Do not post here again.

  27. Rishi Khujur, I appreciate your guts.

  28. Neelakanta Sastry, where are you?

  29. Rishi, “Muslims (or thei forefathers) are as much victims of Islam and the Hindus and the rest of humanity are.” Wow. I salute you.

  30. @ Jasmine_e
    Sorry for the abundance of grammatical errors…
    the sentence was intended to be
    “Muslims (or their forefathers) are as much victims of Islam, as the Hindus and the rest of humanity”.

  31. rishi khujur says

    (Communism) has a process of logical reasoning (which has been often applied horribly wrong), built into its ideological discourse,

    You are right Rishi. Communism is the result of logical reasoning. You will never know how much of thought process goes into every article that I write. The Hindutva goons are not able to counter me with logical and valid points and employ rhetoric. You are wrong about Islam btw. It is a religion of peace. Had GB (George Bush I mean) not addressed the animals in Delhi’s zoo, had Modi not butchered poor Muslims in Gujarat, we wont be seeing all this. Heck! I think I need to get the prize for this contest. Forget six degrees, I can make a direct connection between Modi and anything. So can my friends Romila Thapar and Irfan Habib.

    Romila, whats that you are smoking? Spilling the beans and all that?

  32. Alfred E Neuman July 30, 2007 — 6:06 am

    History is bunk – instead of learning from our mistakes, we learn our mistakes.

    @Arundhati Roy
    “Communism is the result of logical reasoning.”
    The rest of your comment was definitely not.

    @Irfan Habib
    Brain drain argument, eh? About someone whose brain is a drain anyway?

    @Romila Thapar
    I just wish your phone number would be one digit away from an all night taxi service.

  33. did you watch the Himesh on koffee with karan. you have got to!

    he came across as quite a decent chap… seriously. oh and then there was the segment where k-jo goes asking ppl what they think of himesh. believe it or not.. he was so over whelmed that he started to cry. you have to see it to believe it!

  34. Hello Rishi,

    Re: your profound comment on Islam that:
    “I do not hate Muslims. I hate Islam. Muslims (or their forefathers) are as much victims of Islam, as the Hindus and the rest of humanity”….

    Many of us can’t conceive of a “religion” that demands mass murder of non-believers as a foundational pillar, so we tend to deny its reality.

    I agree that the root of the problem lies in the “belief system”, not in its brainwashed adherents.

    A good analogy to your comment would be: “I do not hate Germans. I hate Nazism.”

    In your opinion, is the “Nazism-Hitler-Mein Kampf” model analogous to the “Islam-Muhammad-Quran” model?

  35. Amazing….the assemblage of “fake” scholars/historians that have gathered to comment on a post on Himesh. Just goes to show the magic of the man. Incidentally to “Arundathi” Ray, is that how you spell your name nowadays?

  36. I am not to be confused with that woman who wrote “The God of Small things”. I am different!

  37. LOLzz. :)) @ Romila “main-bhi-madonna” Thapar.. too good. ROFL.. 😀

  38. Rishi,

    Well… I thought you would say that the “Islam-Muhammad-Quran” model makes the “Nazism-Hitler-Mein Kampf” model look like a picnic.

  39. @ Hujur
    Well thats not for me to decide but for the world to experience.

  40. Rishi,

    Interesting viewpoints on the “Islam Vs. Nazism Analogy” can be gleamed from the writings of Amil Imani, an Iranian activist.

    Please scroll down to the middle of Imani’s webpage below, to read more on the “Islam Vs. Nazism Analogy” and Adolf Hitler’s Islamic proclivities:

    Closer to home, the stagnant and repressive effect that Islam has on society is hard to deny when contrasting two countries (one Muslim-majority, the other Kafir-majority) that used to be one just sixty years ago.

    So, yeah, why not…let the world “experience” more and more dollops of the “Religion of Peace”.

  41. Romila, you rock!

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