The annual Durex survey on sexual habits of people all over the world came out a few weeks ago. And once again it is “Chak De India” or should we say “F**ck de India”.
Urban Indians have one of the most exciting sex life in the world and are also the most open lovers in the world when it comes to talking to partners about sex, says a new global survey.
Almost three-quarters (74 per cent) of Indians surveyed are comfortable with telling their partners what they like in bed way above the global average of 58 per cent and the UK with just 49 per cent, says the Durex ‘Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey’.
Some people may find that surprising for a culture as supposedly sexually repressed as ours but not me. Indian couples are not at all shy in expressing what they want (and do not) in bed—after all if the “Noo Never…..mujhe kya tum waisi tarah ki ladki samajhti ho [Do you think I am that kind of a girl] and “Please not today, I have a headache” and “No no that’s not the place” aren’t expressions of honest , forthright and emphatic pillow talk then I wonder what is.
The survey further points out that two-third of Indians (68 per cent) think their love lives are exciting, a sharp contrast with 38 per cent for English lovers and 36 per cent for famed lovers in France. Moreover, 63 per cent of Indians say they have enough variety, compared with 47 per cent in the UK and just 9 per cent in Japan.
Verily, nothing makes me feel prouder than when we beat the French in matters of sensuality. Of course there will be some Pakistani ISI agents among us who will point out that the reason the dilettante Frenchmen are dissatisfied with their carnal lives is that, exposed as they are to all forms of sexual experiences from their teens , they very soon have no more worlds to conquer, everything becomes “been there done that” and the act of coupling becomes as predictable as “Yeh Akaashvani hain”.
This is in sharp contrast to most of us Indians, who brought up on a diet of wet saris and Sun TV Midnight Masala on mute, get all excited even when we get an Archies musical gift card that plays the theme of Titanic. In other words, the dissatisfaction among the Gauls is not because they do not have variety—rather they have too much of it. While we have so little that we are happy with whatever we can get our hands on.
I don’t agree with this line of reasoning however. After all, if the French have their menage a trois and their orgies we also have our patented “desi party” train dance—so there !
The survey also tells us that
“Indian bedrooms are the scenes of a range of antics for some, with sensual massage (55 per cent), sexual fantasies (58 per cent) and looking at erotic materials (55 per cent) at the top of the menu. More than a third of Indians also love to include role play (37 per cent) and wearing sexy underwear (34 per cent).
Nothing new here of course. Sensual massage of hair with coconut oil/Champi tel has always been an old favorite for many of us , sexual fantasies/role play implies running round the bedpost singing “Janum Jaanejaan”, looking at erotic materials is nothing but reading Times of India together in bed and as for erotic underwear— Rupa Baniyan’s “Yeh andaar ki baat hain”, in case you did not notice, is an obvious Indianization of Victoria’s “secret”.[Look at this Amul Macho ad for yet another example of how erotic lingerie has become a part of the daily life of the common Indian woman.]
Indian men have averaged six lovers and women have averaged two, while in the UK the figures are 16 and 10 respectively. Globally men, on average, have 13 partners and women have seven.
It’s times like these I feel I have let the country down. Had it not been for me, the average of “lovers for Indian men” would have been seven—I confess that I single-handedly lowered the national average.
Here again some naysayers opine, based on the sheer profusion of desperate “fransip” requests sent out by urban males to anyone who has “female” on their Orkut profiles, that the number six is a bit on the high side , a discrepancy that may be explained by a very “loose” definition of “lover” in the survey because of which some men may have counted Madhuri Dixit and even their hands (both left and right) in their list. Others however just put this down to the proclivity of Indian men to slightly exaggerate when it comes to counting their conquests.
I however have no such doubts as for me the results of the Durex sex survey are beyond question, occupying a position of reliability and authenticity somewhere between the results of a Pakistani election and an Indian politician’s declaration of assets.