Offense Is the Best Form of Defense

Forgive me for being irregular in posting this week.

I have just been very offended.

Firstly as an Indian, I am offended at the fact that Eklavya the Royal Guard did not make it to the Oscar nominee list for best phoren fillum. Face it, that movie about Saif Ali Khan’s paternity and Jimmy Shergill in the dark was plain and simple awesome. Of course, many people in India hated it but there is a reason for that. As Vidhu the Vinod Chopra points out:

Maybe the critics here didn’t quite get it. I got a great response at UCLA and NYU, where they’re asking me to lecture about the film. They must have seen something

Indeed they had. Make no mistake. This would have been an Indian “Crouching Tiger Vidya Balan” had the Oscar committee comprised of friends of Vidhu the Vinod Chopra like Sudhir Mishra and Jagdhish Sharma and people like Ranjit Bahadur (he shot the “Making of Eklavya”). Had that been the case, they would have shown the same neutrality and good taste they displayed,as members of the Indian entry selection committee, while sending “Eklavya–the Royal Guard” to the Oscars.

If this was the only offensive thing this week, I may have been able to control myself. But no. You see I am not just an Indian but also a Hindu. Which means that I am offended only by cow slaughter and cleavage. At the 175th day celebration of “Shivaji–the Boss”, Shriya Saran came to the occasion, in front of Karunanidhi no less, wearing the kind of clothes I would expect her to come to me wearing. I am linking here to two pictures of Saran taken at that event so that all of you can share my sense of shock while doing “Save As”.[ Pic1, Pic2]. Needless to say, there were some alert Hindus who were keeping a tab on the situation, namely the Hindu Makkal Katchi. They immediately launched a police complaint under Section 34C of the Indian Penile Code.

And so prompt and ferocious were they, that Shriya had to bend down and ask for forgiveness.

Accepting her ‘mistake’, she said she never intended to hurt the feelings of Hindus or Tamilians. She had deep respect for the long standing tradition and culture of Tamil Nadu.

”I was unaware of the repercussions that would arise because of the attire I wore during the function,” she added.

”I came to know about the silver jubilee function while shooting for a Hindi film in Thanjavur. I came to the function directly from the shooting spot,” she said, conveying her apology to all Tamilians through the media.

So confused was Sriya Saran, that she didnt even know where she was coming from “in a hurry”. While in Rediff she says she came from Thanjavur, according to Sify she came direct from Istanbul (where she was obviously insulting Hinduism in a foreign climes). (From Sify: Shriya says since she was coming from Istanbul in Turkey where she was shooting for the Hindi film Mission Istanbul via Mumbai to Chennai to attend the function, she had no time to change!)

Hah. Such a state of discombobulation where a person does not even know where she is coming from, is only natural for an insulter of Hinduism.

If you thought that the limit of being offended has been reached, think again. No I am not referring to the calenders of bikini babes from Kingfisher, Gladrags that Rediff exhorts us to click on every day on its front page and the accompanying offensive innuendo (“Photographer Haider Khan was the lucky man monopolising the girls”). Instead I am referring to Sharmila Tagore being attacked with scraps of paper by members of Laskhar-e-Bhima.(who rose to fame by attacking multiplexes screening “Bhool Bhulaiya” because they showed women in short saffron dresses)

I am not offended by the attack of course—anyone who allowed “Aaja Naach Le ” to be shown in public should definitely have paper-balls thrown at her. What however gets my goat is the name of the organization—Laskhar-e-Bhima—what kind of “secular” claptrap is this? You can either be Laskhar-e-Biriyani or Bhima Sena, i.e. be either a Jihadi or a Valentine’s Day Hater but definitely not a combination of both !

What next?


66 thoughts on “Offense Is the Best Form of Defense

  1. First? Where do you find the time and patience to watch these movies at?

  2. Greatbong, you gave a low blow when you linked to Sriya bending down and asking for forgiveness. It reeks of DPLK.

    And another Bollywood movie missing the Oscar’s? That is just sad, considering the calibre of cinema that we make.

  3. ROTFL…that was hilarious!

  4. u are seriously a movie freak….amazin…

  5. Lol, the gladrags captions are too terrific … rofl

  6. At the 175th day celebration of “Shivaji–the Boss”, Shriya Saran came to the occasion, in front of Karunanidhi no less, wearing the kind of clothes I would expect her to come to me wearing. I am linking here to two pictures of Saran taken at that event so that all of you can share in my sense of shock while doing “Save As”.[ Pic1, Pic2]. […] They immediately launched a police complaint under Section 34C of the Indian Penile Code.

    ROTFL.. this was sheer genius.

  7. Aha!!!! the moral debate on what to wear and what not to wear especially in front of public ( fanatics)??? I thought sometime ago I read when a lawyer filed case on Ash-hritik liplock itself was laughable enough ( though I would have supported him to lodge a case on the movie being crap!!!!!!!!). It sounds like slowly but steadily we are falling into the “mob is right” trap.

  8. People protesting against women wearing revealing clothes always reminds me of this one time many years ago that I saw Patthar ke Phool in the front (i.e. rickshawallah) row in Odeon Cinema, Delhi.

    The scene:

    Raveena kidnapped by baddies who demand ransom from her daddy.

    Daddy: “Pehle ladki ko dikhao phir paise milenge” (Show us the girl, you’ll get your money later)

    Front Row Man1: “Haan bhai, dikhao dikhao, ladki ko dikhao” (Yes, yes, please show us the girl)

    Front Row Man2: Abey chutiye saale, kuchh dikhate to hain nahin, saari film mein poorey kapde pehnaake rakhe hain isko. (Those fuckers, they haven’t shown us anything, she’s been fully clothed throughout the film)

    So ahem, what kind of bona fide, hot-blooded Indian man would protest against a woman showing her cleavage?

    Bhai mere, if Karunanidhi has no problems with Shriya’s cleavage, then who are you to take offense on his behalf?

  9. Just like the Bhajji v/s Symonds racism episode (“…maa ki” or “monkey”),
    I seriously feel that Shriya must have said “Istanbul” (probably with a silent or almost silent ‘Is’to stylize it) to both but the rediff correspondent misheard is as “Thanjavur” because he/she was too engrossed in watching her than listening to her. 🙂

    Istanbul –> Is(silent)tanbul –> Tanjbul –> Tanjvur … possible, no?

    However, I believe Arnab has already explained in the best possible way why ‘these guys’ are always offended by such issues as girls wearing revealing clothes, people celebrating Valentines Day etc etc in one of his earlier gems.

    On a more serious note, even I feel offended that ‘Eklavya’ didn’t make it to the nominee list. In fact, it should have won the Oscar this time with such a huge starcast and that intiguing storyline where a nocturnal guard screws his master’s wife to produce a nawab, the wife gets killed and in the end the chhote nawab gets to know it was his daddy who killed his mother purely based on the stunning revelations made by a juvenile painting made by his mentally retarded sister.
    Last year we had sent a film in which a ghost screws a somebody else’s woman and produces a child. How innovative !!!

    Why the intellectual giants (who decide which films to be sent to The Oscars) are so fascinated by weird kinds of extra-marital affairs and kids born out of those hush-hush affairs is something beyond my understanding.

  10. The age old moral debate. In my opinion, Shriya should not have apologized as she was within her rights to wear what she wanted. The very fact that she did will make people expect similar apologies for future “inappropriate attires”.

    As for the Eklavya issue, it was sad it was sent as india’s entry with so many worthy movies around. Crouching tiger Vidya Balan really cracked me up, but I must say she is slowly improving her choice of roles. (Heyy Babyy excluded).

    lolzzz @ Al-Mithun-da

  11. Indian Penile Code? Al-Mithun-Da? Hilarious =))

    Seriously, where do you get time from to see those movies you mentioned? 😉

  12. “Crouching Tiger Vidya Balan”…..cracker!!!! rotfl!!!!!

  13. 34C of Indian Penile Code. Please expand on that Oh Great Bong, and give us a more wholesome picture of the laus that prevail.


  14. I don’t know about you people, but I’m sympathetic towards the Lashkar e Bhima.

    Only the most enlightened of souls would think of attacking the censor board for handing out a lifetime achievement award…. a goddamn lifetime achievement award to a curmudgeon who not only wants to snip movies, but computer games as well.
    That they only used paper balls shows their immense restraint.

  15. @aravind
    DPLK ?

  16. GB- Everyone who has watched Eklavya from title to the credit rolls deserve an award!!! Those who “must have seen something in it” deserve two of those awards apiece!
    As for Saran’s blasphemy, I have stored the pics dutifully so that I can see them everytime my Hindu blood gets below boiling point – esp with the big V-Day coming soon…

  17. Offendoda, hope Aurtralia’s innings provided you balm enough from the attrocities around.

  18. Eklavya… phew… don’t even remind me of that movie! I’m glad they did not nominate Aap ka suroor…

    Does the ‘penile’ code have a clause that allows for protests owing to under-utilization of the article in the code? I need to do some further research on that, but on first look, I think the ‘makkals’ were protesting that.

  19. As with the Agent Smith Modi thing,

    Black humour. Very black, VERY humorous

  20. and the guardian called ganesh chaturthi a “gay festival”…. am posting another link …cdnt get the original guardian……
    o well..

  21. Sorry, I couldnt read after the pic of Shriya…

  22. I came here to register my protest against Shriya’s boo^H^H^H dress. Dress. I meant dress.

    *ctrl left click*
    *ctrl left click*
    *ctrl Tab*
    *right click*
    *Save Image As*
    *ctrl F4*
    *right click*
    *Save Image As*
    *ctrl F4*

    All right, where was I?

    Oh yes, DEEPLY offended! I demand DVDs of all her movies so that I can… burn them! Yes! Burn them! But onyl after I watch each and every one from start to bo^H^H finish, so that I can only burn the ones with bad bad scenes. We’re offended but not unjust!

    – Proud member of the Lashkar-e-Bong!

    and don’t we grab ‘hard’ currency by showing ‘furriners’ those ahem-ahem carvings on the khajuraho walls?
    and a cleavage show fells us?
    we ARE made of sterner stuff.
    did we, as a nation, not endure the six-packs of one srk?
    and one miss r. sawant in some dance show?

    and that lashkar-i-bhima must be the most secular organization in India. only wish that they had a better set of agenda.
    1. every indian MUST adore his wife, just like bhima adored draupadi
    2. every indian MUST adore his wife’s cooking, just like the pandavas had adored draupadi’s
    3. every indian wife has a right to have only one husband AND four boyfriends. (5 husbands not allowed by indian penal code, SAD)

  24. @ Swati di

    The “Bhima” part is from Bhimrao Ambedkar (one of the founding fathers of our constitution), not the Kunti-putra Bhima.

    This is supposedly a so-called “Dalit” group which is part of RPI.

  25. Jaish-e-Himesh is goin to beat Al-Mithun-da hands down – what with his ‘Movie of the Year 2008’ Karz (with a triple z in a shad(ow)y manner) goin for Oscars next time!! Shriya Saran…you can take a bow(with the dress you wore in Pic1/Pic2) to this great group right now and be offered free protection! 🙂

  26. @Greatbong: It doesn’t matter where Shriya came from. What is important is she did ‘come’ 😀

    Doesn’t just the name lashkar send shiver down the spine 😦
    Someone should copyright that.

  27. “What however gets my goat is the name of the organization—Laskhar-e-Bhima—what kind of “secular” claptrap is this? You can either be Laskhar-e-Biriyani or Bhima Sena, i.e. be either a Jihadi or a Valentine’s Day Hater but definitely not a combination of both !

    What next?


    Al-Mithun-da! R.o.t.f.l., Greatbong. Superb. And, Lashkar-e-Bhima, really? That’s genius, I say.

  28. Shriya has caused a lot of grief to cultural Hindus like us. She should perform penance (no pun intended) by doing a film called ‘Shiva Ling’ in which Prabhuji (in his unadulterated self, and not in that phony cocktailed avatar that you alluded to at the end of the post) repurifies her. This could be Prabhuji’s version of ‘Last Tango in Paris’. We will send this epic for next year’s Oscar’s and then see whether Chechnian war footage or Couching Tigers and Hidden Chaptas can dare to supersede us.

    PS: If Sharmilaji let a deep film like Aaja Bachle through, I don’t think we should worry about the release of this multi-layered cinematic ecstasy.

  29. f traditions…
    f tamil traditions even more…
    if the tamils have so beautiful looking girls in their midst, why the f do they need to hire actresses from the land up? All for the female population, they have got some non-males with serious hormonal imbalances(even the liberal Europeans would get pissed off by the hairiness) and an obesity epidemic (thanks to excessive carbs from idli, dosa).

  30. sherechhe!! lashkar-e-bhima!!

  31. I am very offended because North Indians and Australians planned a coup and made a mess of Sydney test to eclipse the gem of an inning of VVS Laxman. Everybody forgot about his century in the first innings and talked about all the nonsense that happened later. It is a clear coup by North Indians in their relentless efforts to suppress all the South Indians.


  32. @anomit

    Wow!! You raise trolling to an art form! Looking forward to seeing more gems of wisdom from you.

  33. this is like the shiv sena saying that all the people who pulled off the clothes of that girl on new year’s eve were outsiders.

    in any case, these girls ask for it because they wear western clothes.

    i found this an interesting blog post:

    when i read it i had a lump of indignation in my throat..

    i mean india’s not like that for women.. they went to a shady bar.. they were asking for it..

    asking for it.. hmmm…

    then i realized that despite the fact that one can get into trouble in shady bars anywhere in the world..there is actually nothing wrong in this girl’s opinion of india.

    so i sigh and sing to myself.. ‘it’s getting better.. it’s getting better all the time’..

  34. abe I can’t stop laughing….!!!!
    “Crouching Tiger Vidya Balan”
    “Vidhu the Vinod Chopra”
    “Making of Eklavya”
    “while doing “Save As”” – this one was HIGHLY HILARIOUS!
    “Indian Penile Code”
    My laughing climax came in the end.. the way you’ve written the end to the write-up is the reason why await your write-ups day-in and day-out

  35. I saw Eklavya first day, first show!!!!

  36. Al-Mithun-Da!!!!….
    I doubt if I’ll ever forget these VERY FUNNY terms.. let’s define them in

  37. Hara hara bom bom January 18, 2008 — 12:47 am

    My friend, an insurance claims officer in small towns, told me this. He swears these are genuine cases picked up from interview notes on insurance claims, but I have my doubts.

    These are ’causes of injury’ cited on insurance claim reports, filled in by relatively poor people with restricted access to English, doing their best in the circumstances.

    CASE 1 : A guy had enclosed a sharp object in a bag, and passed it through the franking machine, which malfunctioned, tore the bag, and hurt the guy.

    “What were you doing just before the accident”?

    I enclosed myself in bag. Bag was too big for machine. Thus when big bag went in machine, it broke and hurt me.

    (He presumably intended to say “I ‘myself’ enclosed the object in the bag”)

    CASE 2 : A gentleman’s niece plucks flowers from their garden for puja every day. That day he proceeded to help her, but they got caught in a sudden storm and got injured.

    “How did the accidents happen?”

    “My niece was deflowering in garden. As she was on her own and there was no one else there, I went to help her deflower. As we were deflowering, it was wet and windy, and we slipped. I hurt my back from deflowering”.

    CASE 3 : I think this is the biscuit. A man was marrying ‘off’ his daughter, when a short circuit caused a small fire with minor burns.

    “How did the fire start?”


    “What were you doing in the pandal at the time?”


    If these are porkies, they’re funny, so I forgive my friend the insurance claims officer. 🙂

  38. This boy wonder is not in Indian team, are you offended??

    I guess you would be adding him to the list of “many frustrated Ranji cricketers who know that their regional affiliation is a big impediment in their selection”. Like Ranaddeb “Bad Hair” Bose, Abhishek who??….

  39. Fantastic stuff – thanks for some fresh humour!
    Keep it up.

  40. GreatBong… !!! why did you not approve my comment ??? I am deeply grieved 😦

  41. Kishor is right. The whole string of episodes of the 3 Tests is an Aussie-Northie anti South Indian conspiracy to desperately overshadow the contribution of South Indians to the game. very offensive…

  42. I swear I laughed a full 5 minutes the moment I hit “Lashkar-e-Biriyani”

    I really dont care which moron got offended by clothes or the lack thereof,or which moronica apologized, but I’m thankful to the two for such inspiration that results in gems like these.

    All Heil!

  43. Al-Mithun-da…..he he

  44. Howlarious Al Great Bong..
    Now i can proudly say that I am also part of Lashkar-e-Bongo..


  45. @ Tarzan
    not a bad idea 🙂 hehehe
    Gandhian tactics, aimed at creating identity crisis for the Islamic groups.

    Lets take the Arabic language, away from the Islamic groups.

    The Jaish-e-Mohammed will have to start calling itself “Mohammad Bahini” or “Mohammed Sena” like the Islamic Sevak Sangh of Kerala.

    It would be interesting to observe the co-relation between jihad tactics and purity of nomenclature.

    For example, it has been observed in Kashmir that the more Arabic/Persian the name is, the more hardline the group is.
    Pure nomenclature groups like Jaish, Lashkar, Hizbul, Harkat are more popular and established than “impure” nomenclature groups like JKLF, MJC.

    In Bangladesh, the Islamic groups use Sankritized names like “Islamic Chatra Shivir” and “Jagrata Muslim Janata” to gain support as most Muslims there dont identify with Arabic names at the grassroots. Then, from there it handpicks trained members for more purer/hardcore work under the name of Harkat-ul-Jihad-Islami and Jama’atul Mujahideen.

  46. @The great southie Kishor-

    Please throw some light on this Very very salivating mystery:

  47. What next?

    Britney Al Ghalibi!

    Strange conversion ritual in a boutique —

  48. I wonder how one action of an activist of a party called Hindu Makkal Katchi can represent Hindus.
    My bad , demented mind!

    Also, ‘Hare Krishna, Hare Rama’ song from Akshay Kumar-starrer ‘Bhul Bhulaiya’ had become controversial after an advocate filed a petition in the Mumbai Sessions Court, submitting that the song had hurt the sentiments of Hindus and Buddhists because of half-clad girls shown dancing in the song.

    Laskar-e-Bhima, a plank of non-elected RPI activists, latched on to this for ‘insulting Buddhism’.

    They again did their ‘paper ‘ act on Sharmilla Tagore , for her remarks on Aaja Nach Le.

    I, again wonder, how a party offended by insults to ”Buddhist ideology” is rlevant to Hinduism.

    Are you sayingthat the acts of ‘ freedom fighters’ in Kashmir is also maybe because thet are ex- Hindus?

    My bad, demented mind again.

  49. How could you insult Eklavya by comparing it to a cheap and tawdry Crane and Pulley Potboiler like “Crouching Tiger…”. Eklavya has all the ingredients required to be a Hollywood classic – superficial and sub-100 IQ plot line – where everything is easily understood; limited cast of characters – India exotica and caste – gorgeously shot in Rajasthan – with full of colour unlike the bland gray/blue/pale green/pale sand churnouts of Hollywood. Great story, limited action, and that classic line from Bhishma – righteousness springs from the intellect. But I wouldn’t be surprised when an MPAA that can pass over a classic like Lagaan for a turkey like “Enemy/No man’s Land” or completely ignore 25 Ray classics, or curry favor with Chinese audiences by picking winners like “Crouching Tiger…”

  50. @ anonymous1
    Dont misunderstand.

    I dont think Arnab meant that HMK’s protest represented the “Hindu” point of view. I am sure u are aware of that if you have been a reader here.

    Am also certain that most people of the neo-Buddhist RPI actually dont understand the meaning of the word “Lashkar” in its historical Arabic sense. If they did, they would not be using “Lashkar” and “Bhim”rao Ambedkar in the same sentence.

    Most Hindus in India are quite ignorant (and they prefer to stay that way until the day someone close to them is blown to smithreens), about the historical Quranic significance of words like Al-Badr or Al-Farhan or Jaish or Mujahideen or Jihad.

  51. Wasn’t ambedkar quite open ( or sincere ?) about exposing Islam ?

    Here are some interesting quotes that I have come across


    “The Hindus have their social evils. But there is one relieving feature about them – namely that some of them are conscious of their existence and a few of them are actively agitating for their removal. The Muslims, on the other hand, do not realize that they are evils and consequently do not agitate for their removal.”

    (source: Decolonizing the Hindu Mind – By Koenraad Elst p. 414-424).

    “I prefer the partition on India into Muslim India and non Muslim India as the safest method of providing for the defence of both ”

    -B. R Ambedkar, in “Pakistan or Partition of India ” p364

    “Thoughts on Pakistan”, published in 1940: “Hinduism is said to divide people and in contrast Islam is said to bind people together. But this is only a half truth. For Islam divides as inexorably as it binds. Islam is a close corporation and the distinction that it makes between Muslims and non- Muslims is a very real, very positive and very alienating distinction. The brotherhood of Islam is not the universal brotherhood of man. It is the brotherhood of Muslims for Muslims only. There is a fraternity but its benefit is confined to those within that corporation. For those who are outside the corporation there is nothing but contempt and enmity.”

    “It is this which leads every Mussalman in India to say that he is a Muslim first and Indian afterwards. It is this sentiment which explains why the Indian Muslim has taken so small a part in the advancement of India but has spent himself to exhaustion by taking up the cause of Muslim countries and why Muslim countries occupy the first place and India occupies the second place in his thoughts.”

    “Muslim politics takes no note of purely secular categories of life, namely the difference between rich and poor, capital and labour, landlord and tenant, priest and layman, reason and superstition. Muslim politics is essentially clerical and recognises only one difference, namely that existing between Hindus and Muslims. None of the secular categories of life have any place in the politics of the Muslim community and if they do find a place – because they are irrepressible – they are subordinated to one and the only governing principle of the Muslim political universe, namely religion.”
    (Ambedkar Writings and Speeches, Vol VIII, p-233-34).

    I can go on and on….

  52. @ abi
    thats quite right..Ambedkar hated Islam because he saw through its reality.

    Gandhiji…the good soul that he was..still hoped to separate the human from the Quran…

    failed miserably, with the loss of millions of lives.

  53. And here we go again.

    To everything (turn, turn, turn)
    There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

    A time to be born, a time to die
    A time to plant, a time to reap
    A time to kill, a time to heal
    A time to laugh, a time to weep

    Dohai Rishi-da!

  54. @ Thalassa
    Dilaam tomaye dohai. 🙂

  55. @ Thalassa
    kintu-shottir theke paabena tumi rehai 🙂

  56. IndiaWithoutFundies January 21, 2008 — 7:38 am

    “kintu-shottir theke paabena tumi rehai ”

    Baba, belive me, there’s only one person here which needs a severe dose of reality, and that’s you. I mean, c’mon, even in this post?

  57. @ IndiawithoutFudies
    Go through the sequece of posts…..tell me which one is more out of place, your post or my resposes?

  58. “Laskhar-e-Biriyani or Bhima Sena”
    heh. Good one!

  59. Apparently, Brit al Ghalibi seems unlikely – after she removed her Christian garb and bared her soul for some rigourous indoctrination in a Sherman Oaks boutique last week – Brit has a new revelation —

  60. Tarun Vijay, the editor of Panchjanya, a Hindi weekly brought out by the RSS critisizes the HMK’s cleavage act in this article.

    “There is an organisation in Tamil Nadu with a Hindu tag (HMK) that objected to a dress worn by an actress at a public function. They said it hurt Hindu sentiments. But these Hindus never get hurt when Sanskrit is abolished or the Hindu population declines or when poor Hindus are converted to other religions. Hypocritical Hindus worship Durga for Shakti, Saraswati for knowledge and Lakshmi for prosperity. But the same Hindu also commits female foeticide in large numbers. And this is true for other religious communities equally. True, there are organisations opposing it and spreading awareness and this has provided positive results. But foes of the girl child abound”.

  61. Mr.Kujur,
    you could have given a better link that that.
    This is a much better link to the same article:,prtpage-1.cms

    Interesting, eh?



  64. Where is your sense of humour mani?

  65. shriya sarn looked absolutely gorgeous in her sexy outfit. The dress she wore was very relevaling but not vulgar.

    Without doubt, she is the sexiest actress in the indian film industry.

    Great going, shriya, your fans are always with you.

  66. “Eklavya” was a nice movie but a very distinctive part of it was copied from an American movie “Stolen Memories: Secrets from the Rose Garden”.

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