Drona— the Review

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“Story…story…story” shout the little kids all sitting at the foot of old Daddu’s chair.

Daddu (wrapping the shawl tightly around him): Okay okay. Let me adjust my dentures….okay…..that’s done. Today I will tell you the story of Drona.

A long long time ago in a land far far away, a sage Bharadwaj had gone to the river to get rid of last night’s dinner holding two pots—-damn I forgot to take my Dabur Isabgol—-ooh ok coming back to the story…so there in the river he saw a beautiful lady, an apsara Ghritachi, taking a bath…

Small Boy 1 (very inquisitive): Daddu, what’s an apsara?

Daddu: It’s an item girl but who dance only for the Gods.

Small Boy 1: Is Rakhi Sawant an apsara?

Daddu: Yes something like that. Now be off now….I have to go feed the pigeons.

Kids shout: But Daddu….the story?

Daddu: What story? Ooh yes I had totally forgotten. So Bharadwaj on seeing this beautiful lady had a Shakti Kapoor moment and in his excitement, something of himself, a part of his very essence, fell into a pot that he was carrying. That thing that fell into the pot was a magical fluid from which….

Kids giggle and poke each other.

Girl1 (Bespectacled): That is not an age-appropriate story Daddu.

Daddu: Look here little Renuka Chowdhury. I did not make up this story. You have a problem you go and talk to Ved Vyas the author and Ganesha the publisher. Geez. You will turn into someone like your grandma one day (furtively looks over shoulder).

Small Boy 2: Please ignore her daddu. Please please tell us more.

Daddu (clearing his throat): Yes so the holy fluid that fell in the pot and in it was born Drona, the weapons teacher of the Pandavas and Kauravas. Drona means “born in a pot”. This part of the story you can find in any book. What follows next is a Daddu exclusive. When sage Bharadwaj was so in the control of desires, a shishya (student) of a nearby engineering school was near the river, saw what happened to the venerable seer and started laughing in his face all the time saying “KLPD KLPD”. The righteous sage got so angry that he cursed the student: “From now on till eternity, all you male engineering students will be doing exactly what you just saw me doing. Throughout your student life and without any hope of redemption. Then we will see who has the last laugh.”

After saying this, the frustrated sage completed his daily duties near the river. But he forgot to pick up the pot that contained the water with which he had cleaned his soiled bottom, just like he forgot to pick up the pot in which his holy fluid was.

As I told you, one gave birth to Drona, the astraguru.

And the other, the soiled pot, gave birth to an idea.

That of —-the movie Drona. The idea that came out of a pot, brought to the screen by people on pot.

Small Boy 3: So today you will tell us of the other “Drona”.

Daddu: Yes. So there was this young man called Aditya who lives with foster-parents where he is day-night abused by the Punjabi-accented foster-mother and her nalayak son. He doesn’t know who he is. But he has recurrent nightmares of horrible things. Only when a digitally created blue petal would came flying down and make him chase it, that he would forget his sorrows.

Small Boy 2: Like “American Beauty” Daddu?

Daddu: What do your parents let you see now-a-days? Chi chi…..all of you are like carbide-ripened bananas.

Whispers and giggles. Isolated disjoint words like “Chudail”,”Shaitan” and “Khayega Kela” can be heard amidst the muffled voices.

Girl 1: You are making this story up aren’t you Daddu? The growing up among cruel foster parents and step-brother—we have all read Harry Potter here you know.

Daddu (getting angry): Oh so you think I made up this story? Do you think I look like Goldie Behl? More importantly, do you think your dadima looks like Sonali Bendre? Vamoose…no more story.

Boys (in chrous): Ignore her dadu. Please please.

Daddu: Okay but last warning. There is also an evil wizard Riz Raizada aka Gandalf the Gay, whose magic mantra is “Ulluk ulluk Oonta Oonta Vamoose” and who uses his index finger to penetrate men (Bulli kahaan hain teri ungli).

In his past life was super-villain Chutiya which was evident from his Chutiya-style”choti”. Evidently his balls never grew back after Prabhuji cut them off in “Gunda”, which explains his rather special way of speaking.

He also hams incorrigibly, is always found wearing discounted Halloween costumes and like “shaitani type ke baccha” he likes playing with evil toys.

For centuries, the evil man has been looking for a mythical magic fluid (amrit) that will give him immorality.

Boy 4: The same magic fluid that fell into the pot?

Daddu (ignoring the comment); So yes our Hairy Puttar…..see now you made me forget the name…..Aditya right….finds a garish looking golden bangle, the type you used to get at groceries in the 80s with detergent powder. One day the eyes of the evil wizard fall on our Aditya and more specifically his bangle. Realizing that Aditya is no mere mortal, he sets his evil dart-throwing yellow-jacketed minions on him but right when he is going to fall into the hands of the evil wizard, a vision of beauty Sonia arrives, as beautiful as Priyanka Chopra. She wields a miniature merry-go-round as a weapon and makes short shrift of the evil henchmen and saves our Aditya.

Kids (in unison): Then ?

Daddu: Once rescued, Aditya comes to learn of this secret society, known as the “Priory of Amar Singh”, who believe that Aditya is the legendary “Drona” —the only one can defeat the evil wizard Raizada and prevent the destruction of the world. In order to prevent Aditya from harm, they had been guarding him, without Aditya’s knowledge, throughout his life only taking a break from their onerous duties to rub oil on their muscular bodies and dance lock-step in a automobile garage to the magical words of “Boom Boom Sha Boom Boom”. Their leader Sonia reveals to Aditya that his real mother is a queen Jayati Devi and while the conversation is underway, the secret order is attacked by a band of black-hooded Ringwraiths also known as extras without faces. A dangerous chase begins with Sonia acting as Aditya’s bodyguard as Aditya slowly comes to terms with his…(pregnant pause)…destiny.

Girl Number 1: Destiny? The One? A female body guard? Trinity? Black-hooded Ringwraiths? Come on daddu….Matrix and Lord of the Rings…pretty original?

Daddu: Okay young lady. For one, here the Ringwraiths do not ride horses, they drives SUVs. Secondly the Ringwraiths are hardly undead—-one knock of an iron gate breaks their bones. And thirdly Sonia is nothing like Trinity—-Trinity kicks ass and Sonia she shakes it. Big difference.

Kids: Daddu please ignore her. (One of them pulls one of her pigtails and says Raizada Raizada)

Daddu: So once at the palace of Jaya “Bacchan” Devi he is told more about his backstory by the frumpy mother who has been singing mournful songs for her long lost son for many years. But soon amidst a CGI storm, the evil Raizada with an army of Navanirman Sena activists arrives and turns Jaya Devi into a stone statue and tells Aditya to turn over the “amrit” else Jaya Devi will turn Marathi. Eager to get his mother back, a weak Aditya hands over the “amrit” (which is revealed to be a little white pill made by Pfizer) but is tricked by the wicked wizard.

Eager to get back the “amrit” and save the world, the mahabali Aditya assumes his identity as the “Drona” and dons the white “poshaak” — a mythical suit which, many decades ago, had provided its wearer, Jumping-Jack Jeetu the power to defy gravity with his “Tohfa Tohfa Tohfa…Laya Laya Laya” leaps.

Grandma’s (in the background): Come inside you old goat. Else you will catch a cold.

Daddu: Aaah. Wait. So thus dressed Drona will embark on a magical quest where he will meet Darth Maul’s illegitimate son, an enchanted horse like Shadowfax, wagon-breaking Ringwraiths, a sandstorm just like the one you saw in Mummy,plenty of over-acting, “Two Towers”-style Legolas-patented moves, a grand sword-fight where the fighters move their swords like two cooks stirring broth, romantic swinging, tacky special effects and enough mythological cliches to satisfy all you crazy kids.

Next day I will tell you all the details tomorrow…..but for now Dadima is calling. And you all know she transforms into Mamata Banerjee once the sun goes down.

Girl 1: Leave it Daddu. We are not coming back tomorrow. This “Drona” story sucks. Not a shred of originality, totally confusing, a waste of time and energy even for us ten year olds. Yes the same people who spend hours just picking our noses.

Daddu: Wait wait o little ones…

Kids (in unison) run away chanting: Mera naam hain mahabaali Drona, mujhe theatre main dekhke acche khasse ko padta hai rona

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69 thoughts on “Drona— the Review

  1. “Mera naam hain mahabaali Drona, mujhe theatre main dekhke acche khasse ko padta hai rona”
    Really sums up the movie 🙂
    Why at all do the producers put in so much of money in a story that is so senseless!!!!

  2. hohohohohohoho GB that was spot on!! Such atrocities in the name of movies deserve such scathing. Goldie Behl’s “passions” in Orkut must be “to passionately massage egos of old chuddy-buddies & realize my teenage dreams”…he once remarked making a superhero movie was his dream since long,[didnt know they both dreamt of tacky, wooden-faced superheroes with a stubble reminding of constipated despots, btw I dreamt of Jeannie & her hot Arabian sisters :)].

    At best, its a wet dream of a guy with acute mental & orientation troubles.

    For reference:
    [http://www.smashits.com/news/bollywood/movie-talk/6895/drona-is-a-childhood-dream.html]

  3. “From now on till eternity, all you male engineering students will be doing exactly what you just saw me doing. Throughout your student life and without any hope of redemption. Then we will see who has the last laugh.”…
    another great mystery of this universe……. answered

  4. Nice one, somehow the sharply honed instinct which tells me which movies to avoid still works, and I listened to that (thankfully)
    My suggestion, try watchin Vicky Cristina Barcelona

  5. Liberal Oct 13th, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    Nice one, somehow the sharply honed instinct which tells me which movies to avoid still works, and I listened to that (thankfully)
    My suggestion, try watchin Vicky Cristina Barcelona

    Now that’s some suggestion!

  6. I don’t know if you have ever watched Mahipal’s movies. If you are wondering who the guy is his most famous movie is ‘Navrang’, right, the guy lip-syncing ‘Adha hai chandrama’. His other famous song is from the movie ‘Zabak’….’teri duniya se door’. Ok, so why Mahipal? He was the star of fantasy/mythology movies in the 60’s (tentatively, it could be late 50’s am not sure). Almost al of them had the same plot. Makkar jadugar (always played by B.M Vyas) would kidnap the princess or do some major damage and the hero would set on a rescue mission where he will fight demons, decode mysterious messages. The regular fairy tale stuff.

    Then came Jeetendra’s contribution to the genre. Yes, arguably Jeetnedra’s presence itself is fantastical but movies like Patal Bhairavi and Hatimtai belonged to this group. Then somehow we stopped making fairy tales until Sashi Kapoor made ‘Ajooba’ and needless to say the son did not learn from his father’s mistakes.

    Drona was excruciatingly boring and even with special effects something where we have come a long way and you would not even think of comparing Mahipal’s low budget movies…….Ouch! In Mahipal’s ‘Lal Pari’ where ‘Makkar jadugar Kamlaksh’ turns the princess into stone the special effect was outstanding. There was B.M Vyas with his painted eyebrows brandishing a stick saying all sorts of understandable gibberish like ‘Kring klib hiring biring’ and snap there was a white stone statue. The exact same situation in Drona where KK Menon (again makkar jadugar Riz Raizada) turns Abhishek’s ‘Mommy’ (ya his real Mom’s here!) into a stone, the desert storm effect is a disaster. This is a fantasy and I certainly acknowledge B.M Vyas’s gibberish over the melodrama of KK Menon saying ‘Statue’!

    Btw I do think Rakhi Sawant is an apsara!

  7. Lol. well, usually I do think Abhishek’s a cool dude. But WHAT was he thinking when he agreed to this balderdash? ‘Riz Raizada’??? you want your bad guy sounding like a breakfast cereal? And what IS with the blue petals? That was more of a hero than Drona ever was!

  8. Dada i know you will rip apart HIMESH BABA’s karzzzzzzzz too. but mark my word karz not only will take a great opening than D(rona) but also it will be a hit. what a pitty for Bachha B. Here one hand you have HIMESH BABA (one whom everybody loves to hate) and another is Junior B(so called successor of great bachchan legacy). whenever i see Abhishek in the Dhoom And Drona types movies i think about those parents who pressuries thier children to became special while they are not capable (everybody know that abhi can’t be like hrithik). so it is my kind request to Big B and Aishwarya that please leave Bachha B to do roles which suited him, like Sarkar and Guru.

  9. “From now on till eternity, all you male engineering students will be doing exactly what you just saw me doing. Throughout your student life and without any hope of redemption. Then we will see who has the last laugh.”……

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…..

    Sorry for the rude laughter
    I only went to a medical school in Bangalore and could never figure out what was with the engineering guys & grumpy faces…

    Thanks for that gem GB!

  10. Apsara named Ghritachi? So apparently since time immemorial Indian men always liked women with a little asli ghee on the bones (grand tradition upheld by such luminaries as Huma Khan)

    I think KK was trying to pull off an Amrish Puri and miserably failed. Puh-leez, if you don’t have even a 10th of Amrish Puri’s baritone and charisma, do no attempt the impossible and make a fool of yourself.

  11. I have seriously started believing that such attempts are only to make blak money white……!!!! or else how can anybody(even remotely in senses) pull off something so stupid ….and even plan to make a sequel!!!!!Cant we get ourselves insured from such torture!!!! why god why!!!!!

  12. btw…..

    “Small Boy 1 (very inquisitive): Daddu, what’s an apsara?

    Daddu: It’s an item girl but who dance only for the Gods.”

    and
    “…And thirdly Sonia is nothing like Trinity—-Trinity kicks ass and Sonia she shakes it. Big difference.”

    also
    “….Jaya Devi into a stone statue and tells Aditya to turn over the “amrit” else Jaya Devi will turn Marathi”

    ………..just cant stop laughing!!! :D:D

  13. OHHHH… that was eye opener!!!
    I was puzzled by the disturbed expression (very similar to constipation induced trauma) on AB and his Mom’s face, but now i know why…. Because they were looking for that pot of Bharadwaj to clean their soiled bottom, happened after they realized the potential effect of this movie on their career.

    BTW, i liked this part – from now on till eternity, all you male engineering students will be doing exactly what you just saw me doing. Throughout your student life and without any hope of redemption. Then we will see who has the last laugh.

    HA HA HA HA HA

  14. hmm…witty … but…you seem to be losing your touch… and “Gunda” references have become cliched now…

  15. GB,
    Since Drona was deemed a super flop I had been waiting for this masterpiece of a post from you. That said; derision of a dud is still an easier job!
    I really wish to read a post on Welcome to Sajjanpur – It deserves to be mentioned for everything it is! A well made movie with subtle situational humor! Isn’t it time for a positive review for a change? 🙂

  16. @Aditi
    “….Then somehow we stopped making fairy tales until Sashi Kapoor made ‘Ajooba’ and needless to say the son did not learn from his father’s mistakes.”

    I guess you meant his elder brother’s mistakes.

  17. What’s funny are the interviews given by the actors and director before the movie releases- about dream role, once in a lifetime opportunity, life changing experiences, original story line, etc., etc…looks like they were smoking pot or are trying to con the masses.

  18. Was it only me or did someone else also see shades of Prince of Persia (the original DOS game) in the set design as well as the walk into thin air and the steps automatically get formed scene ?

  19. GB,

    Nice piece which was anticipated…however, I was expecting a longer, more scathing article. It seems that the pressure to write a review of Drona (as per public demand) was too much for you. This seems like a rushed up job.

    This turkey called Drona deserves better from you. My suggestion is that you take it easy, drink a beer, watch drona a few more times, watch abishek’s recent interviews, feel the angst and then write from your heart… a sequel to the movie might not see the light of day but would love to see a second and better review of the film.

    We probably have more faith in your talent…and expect much more…

  20. The way you put it, I might well be tempted to watch it. I have been told by other sources it is not worth it 🙂 If only the film was as hilarious as this review! SIgh

  21. Dada,Karzzzzzzz is out and expectation for your review is as high as himesh baba’s confidance in his acting (?). Take your time then post your review. untill enjoy the performance of Team India’s Fab 4 (specially as dada hit a Ton).

  22. Unrelated – but logged in expecting an article on dada’s swan-song century. is it still brewing in the cauldron?

    your drona engineering college curse bit was genius. called up a friend in the states – the culprit who’d introduced me to your blog in the first place – and read it out to him. The “without any hope of redemption” was something only an engineering grad an understand.

  23. LOL! The Engineering student-kamandal mystery is now solved!
    BTW, have you checked out the Drona comic book??? It is a riot. I have not seen the movie though but I get the general impression that it is a print prequel of the movie.

  24. Drona is a copy least in part of the german movie “code of the templars”. This is what I call a WATT movie as in “what are they thinking” movie.

    After seeing Indy 4 and Drona, I am convinced that both Holly and Bolly are completely out of touch with the expectations of the people.

    Cool CGI, costumes and stunts do NOT balance out a weak plot.

    If I had the money I would make a classic spy thriller.

  25. Thid is one of the best reviews ever!
    I have read it 1,093,423,384,974,164,371 times and still laugh at it!
    You rock Arnab!

  26. DO NOT STOP USING GUNDA EVER!ive read ur archive before this and really ur gunda mishmash in every review is plain hillarious!loved it!

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