Kidnap—the Review


Sanjay Gadhvi, who had last dressed up Hrithik Roshan as Queen Elizabeth, almost broke the Abhi-Ash wedding by making Ms Happy Plastic kiss another Mr. Fantastic and also wrote the most beautifully poetic line in recent memory “Are you like checking me out?” in Dhoom 2 , is back with “Kidnap”, a movie that is unique in that it is totally built around just one and only one concept—cleavage.

From the opening shot of “Kidnap” that pans off from “Mini”-ssha Lamba’s landing pads to assorted loving close-ups and wide-angles of all kinds of cleavages—not just of Minissha Lamba but also of her uber-hot mother’s (as different from the classic Nirupa Roy ideal as the Imam Bukhari is from Praveen Togadia), Gadvvi never loses sight (and never lets the audience lose sight) of the movie’s central motif. Even beef-cake hunky Imran Khan has to show off a massive expanse of chest and only Reema Lagoo, because she plays the grandmother, is spared from the general madness.

Does “Kidnap” have a story? Does it have a script?

As the cool kidnapper character played by Imran Khan tells the mother of the victim—-“Wrong questions”.

Instead you should be asking why does “Kidnap” have a story? Why does it have a script?

For one purpose and one purpose only. To enable the director to transition from a shot of a blue bra to that of a white bikini to that of a yellow bra. Consider this. Minissha Lamba has been kidnapped by Imran Khan for some reason (and this “why” is what the movie is all about). Clad only in a bikini (naturally) when she is kidnapped, throughout her period of confinement, she keeps changing from one push-up to another. (Al Faran and other professional kidnappers kindly note how considerate they should be to their hostages in terms of wardrobe provided)

And then one day she complains to her kidnapper— there is no water for bathing. She begs and pleads to her captor, pleading for him to “understand”. But before he does, we have. In order for her to serve the purpose of the the movie, she most definitely needs to bathe if only so that she can get into the water and periodically rise in slow-motion to the tune of “Mausaam yeh awesome bada”while contorting her body into various “awesome” poses with droplets of water cascading from her hull and mast.

Performance-wise, the movie is all about newly “bold” Minissha Lamba ( the boldness is just because the role demands it) as the principal mannequin for assorted lingerie and bathing suits. Imran Khan’s performance is wooden for the most part and looking at Minissha’s wardrobe, that’s something understandable. Paraphrasing a wise man from the world of Gunda “Minissha Lamba ne usko Lamba kar diya, maachish ki teeli ko…” and yes you know the rest. (And if you don’t may I recommend a viewing of “Gunda“)

In short, an evergreen cleavage classic from Sanjay Gadvi. “Neil N Nikki” now has severe competition.

32 thoughts on “Kidnap—the Review

  1. First things first…

    I was first here. I have a deja vu feeling that I’ve done written exact same thing before 🙂

  2. Minissha, welcome to Behenji-turned-bikini club!!

  3. Spot on … ! You know to ask the right questions.. “Instead you should be asking why does “Kidnap” have a story? Why does it have a script?”

    heh heh

    Speaking of Ms Happy Plastic… have you noticed how after being the proverbial ‘Ice-queen’ in her pre-Abhi days, she now happily parades her lack of brains and pose with inane giggles in EVERY interview?

    Your take on the cause? Magic mushrooms? Mama Bachchan? IVF injections?

  4. oops… the above comment was frm Moi…

  5. How cud u have missed the Casino Royale chase thru the construction site?

    Sanjay Dutt being James Bond….GOD!!!!

    Sanjay Dutt’s dialog ….”Make a list of all my enemies”

    And a friend of mine actually liked the movie…and that he would watch it again….I just dont understand these people….

    The Gadhvis,Kjos and Anu Maliks rule I guess…..

  6. You have absolutely no idea how eagerly was I awaiting this review . In fact , 30 minutes into the movie , I was wondering how “kick-ass” Great Bong’s review of this movie is going to be . And I was not wrong . But , it was a bit short . You could have explored it a bit more . I wrote something about it as well , but its not in your league though . Anyways , Kudos !

  7. “Imran Khan’s performance is wooden for the most part and looking at Minissha’s wardrobe, that’s something understandable.”

    LOL, laugh-aloud funny post, as usual!


  8. Another solid review …. no-one is spared your caustic critique and astute observations!! …. like many, I look forward to movies these days so that I can read how you tear them apart!!

    Having said that, I think I am gonna give this one a miss and catch it later on via LAN or something!!

  9. ““Neil N Nikki” now has severe competition.”

    And therefore the film must be watched.

  10. Looks like they plan to “kidnap” our brains and threaten and torture us.

    But then, what does Bollywood do anyway? Well written.

  11. My daughter said “Don’t ask me about the film. I was watching only Imran Khan.” Needless to say, she has a huge crush on him.

    I say, better than watching Ms. Lamba’s and her mother’s cleavage. But I guess there were enough boys/men in the audience watching those.

    And the producers made their money?

  12. u dun like cleevagez? lulz

  13. For me the kickass moment in Kidnap was when dad n daughter play some sort of dumb charades while being tied up..Sanjay Dutt: Tum..tum kitni badi ho gayi ho..

    Am sure he would have said in the first few takes: Tumhara kitna bada ho gaya hai !!

    A must watch action-comedy..

    Pl watch Karzzz next week ASAP..can’t wait for ur “review” of it !

  14. have you seen a channel called India tv, you might like the channel …not for news.

  15. Like somebody wrote about earlier, I have been waiting for ur review of this movie..I mean what was Gandvi thinking? In fact was he thinking at all?
    Wish you had written a bit more though.

  16. Like some one said above, this piece demanded a further study from you. Except for cleavage lines, the product placement of clocks and watches also to be noted-
    Nako, Orpat, Opal, Ajanta and a few chinese brands.

    Gadha-vi must’ve been looking at one of those time-bound chase movies. And must’ve thought clocks denote tension, so let’s do it.

    And the piece de resistance was Minissha’s thingmajig on her waist in the finale when Imran Khan walks in injured.

  17. “Imran Khan’s performance is wooden for the most part and looking at Minissha’s wardrobe, that’s something understandable.”
    Priceless 🙂

  18. Don’t even review DRONA. Its too easy.

  19. Hee Hee…
    Another great review!

  20. It takes a powerful suspension of disbelief (far greater than whatever was used to suspend Ms. Lamba’s assets) to accept Vidya Malvade as her mother. When did she have her, when she was 10? Add to that the daughter’s statement “I’m 19 now” and you realize a crane of some sort is needed.

  21. maachis ki teeli ko… rotflmao

  22. Drona pleeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzz.

  23. how come nothing on ” welcome to sajjanpur”…….was a nice movie after all….

  24. Remember Subhash Ghai’s ‘Hero’? Now that movie now looks like a documentary on kidnapping considering what you have described. I always thought it was funny to kidnap someone and sing ‘Ding dong’ with them. But to treat your victim to a bath is phenomenal.

  25. “poses with droplets of water cascading from her hull and mast”……….rotflmao

  26. GB…You saved me…I was about to go to watch this flick!

  27. Can I kid-nap too? October 16, 2008 — 10:38 pm

    I hadn’t heard of the movie until you reviewed it. Now I want to see it. I suppose I will have to play it at 2X the speed. So, no dialog jhanjhat and I still get all the advantages of the cleavage. Maybe I will watch the boat (bath) scene in slo-mo.

  28. Haha really funny………great post………The picture is perfect….hahahaa

  29. real funny man, as always.

    ps: I write on how to improve your site, have a look

  30. yes he cheks out her figure and says ”tum kitni badi ho gayi ho “wth?
    and the way imran sets tasks,sounded like ‘ab tum bartan dho ke aao ‘ ‘ab kapde ”ab jhadu maro ‘.omigod !
    to add to that fellow sitting behind us was doing justice to the jokes[?] by laughing hard and long AND explaining the witty dialogues to his family.
    saw that movie with ur eyes and had fun .the ”try to understand bit was too much.

  31. seriously the most awful movie I’ve watched in a while…everything is wrong with the film …it has huge loopholes(loopholes?potholes)in the script,the main characters don’t know what emotions they r supposed to be portraying,the entire revenge scenario is bakwaas…yuck

  32. well don’t grudge poor minissha her last chance at fame. she’s recently had some errr… cosmetic assistance so that her assets can be displayed. kindly look and admire those instead of looking for a story line 🙂

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